21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos – Scary Mommy

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

The outcry this week over the new “thin” Oreos was swift and brutal. An Oreo “designed for adults looking for a ‘sophisticated cookie’“? Who are they kidding?

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Oreos are not for adults, they are not gourmet, they are not dietetic. But as wrong as Oreo Thins are, they are hardly the most egregious variety of the creme-filled sandwich delight out there, as is evidenced by the international selection of Oreo flavors available to cookie monsters everywhere. So hold your fire, purists. Here are 21 far more upsetting Oreos to get furious about.

1. Banana Split Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

There is far too much going on here. No fruit in the Oreo. It’s a chocolate cookie. Even the vanilla kind are a weird kind of Vienna Fingers heresy.

2. Caramel Apple Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Does anyone like a real caramel apple? It’s impossible to eat, a complete physics nightmare, like the food equivalent of Mr. Potato Head. You will definitely lose a tooth in such a low-rent dessert. The only thing worse than a caramel apple is a caramel Granny Smith apple. And then you take that mess and artificially flavor an Oreo with it? Gross.

3. Cookie Dough Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Who decided cookie dough should go in everything? I saw a plastic cup of cookie dough in the yogurt aisle at the supermarket the other day. Oreos are already cookies. Keep other cookies’ dough out of the equation.

4. Cotton Candy Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Another dessert no one actually likes! It’s sugar and air. That’s not a flavor! Is that filling half-blue? No one gets the blue kind of cotton candy! It dries around your mouth into little crystals and you look like you’ve been eating detergent. Leave it at the county fair with the fried dough where it belongs, people.

5. Mango Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

This doesn’t even appear to be a cookie. It’s like a tiny yule log. With chocolate chips. And mango. Let’s just slap the Oreo name on a bag of circus peanuts. Maybe no one will notice.

6. Oreo Wafer Rolls

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Is this physically even possible? It appears that the Oreo wafer has been stretched out to the consistency of a tire and then rolled up. Who asked for this? What focus group greenlit a “chocolate cream flavored” roll-shaped Oreo that doesn’t have cream?

9. Crème Brûlée Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

I was about to say this sounded kind of good, then I saw that this “Oreo” is also some kind of imposter. It appears to be a Weetabix log that you serve with a ramekin of custard. Again: not even close.

10. Root Beer Float Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

The only good root beer-flavored thing that’s not root beer is those barrel sucking candies.

11. Cadbury Dairy Milk With Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

I don’t even understand the strange mashup that is happening here. The Brits will put anything in a Cadbury bar, including fruit, so I’m not surprised they thought this was a fun idea. But even if it tasted okay, anyone who knows Oreos can see that the creme-to-cookie ratio in the center of the Dairy Milk bar is all wrong. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.

12. Limeade Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

I’m speechless.

13. Green Tea Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

It’s only a matter of time before these hit our shores, mark my words. Followed by Açai Berry Oreo, Juice Cleanse Oreo and SoulCycle Oreo.

14. Pumpkin Spice Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

It’s already in your coffee, people.

15. Spring Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Spring is not a flavor. I don’t actually think the Oreos are butterfly-shaped, which might be kind of cute for a toddler’s birthday party or something. Instead the cookie is embossed with “Happy Spring.” Like a commemorative coin. Except a coin might end up being a doubloon that you cash in for a fortune on Antiques Roadshow someday.

16. S’mores Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

While s’mores are theoretically a fun campfire snack, the fun is in the making, not the eating. S’mores themselves are always too sweet and you keep finding sticky remnants in your hair and on your jeans for the next six weeks. I think we can all get behind the idea of a graham cracker wafer, however.

17. Creme Betweens

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

You’re not fooling anyone in that fright wig and Groucho Marx glasses.

18. Strawberry Milkshake Creme Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

I secretly want to try these. Because I secretly love Strawberry Quik. Shhh.

19. Watermelon Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

Remember Watermelon Bubble Yum? It was delicious. It’s possible a watermelon Oreo could be as wonderful, but I doubt it. Bubble gum was able to simulate the juiciness of watermelon. Here we have summer’s most refreshing snack smashed into a duotone patty in a dry blonde cookie. And why is there green creme? You don’t eat the green part of the watermelon! You carve it into a fruit basket and fill it with other fruits!

20. White Fudge Covered Oreo

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

I have tried these. Enrobing an Oreo in anything is gilding the lily. Why are we messing with perfection? And white fudge does not exist—everyone knows that.

21. Chewy Chips Ahoy! Oreo Crème Filled

21 Oreo Varieties That Are More Upsetting Than Thin Oreos

The punctuation in the name alone is giving me a panic attack. Pass the Oreo Thins. I give up.