I swore up and down (and left and right) that when I had kids I would never be like my mother. Nope. I would be the cool mom who did yoga with her kids and never yelled. I would bring my kids on fun spontaneous excursions just because. The living room walls could be drawn on—with washable crayons, of course—while the sound of French language tapes enriching my children played in the background.
And then I had kids.
My walls are indeed coated in a film of Crayola which, while called “washable,” did not in fact wash off. Those language tapes were fun for seven minutes before the kids started crying that they wanted to watch Curious George instead. Fun spontaneous excursions became emergency trips to the Starbucks drive-thru… or the liquor store.
I was so sure I was still a cool mom until one day when I faked a headache to get the kids to quiet down for a while. If that gem can work on my husband then it might help me win some sympathy points with the wee ones. But wait a second…why was this move so familiar? And that is when I realized that Holy Hell! I am becoming my mother! Before you have a panic attack, check your self and make sure you aren’t guilty of pulling one of these 24 signs that you too are becoming your mother!
1) No child leaves your house without suffering the mom test: sniffing for weird smells, checking hands and faces for dirt, asking 18 questions about possibly having to pee, poop, or needing a snack.
2) You complain about being bloated, having backaches, needing more coffee, or being tired.
3) You wear mom pants of the yoga or sweat or elastic band jean variety.
4) Before leaving the house you say cryptic things like, “I need to put my face on.” And then you rush to slap on some mascara.
5) You once got busted tweezing a rogue black chin hair guided by your reflection in the stainless steel toaster.
6) You mutter under your breath so much that your own voice has become the constant white noise of your day.
7) You have started numerous lectures with the sentence, “When I was your age…”
8) You have worn a coat over your pajamas, at the great embarrassment of your kids, for morning drop off.
9) You sing loudly in the car and wax poetic about music from the ’80s.
10) You have mastered the never-ending goodbye by starting new conversations in mid-sentence.
11) Everyone in your house knows when you have eaten ice cream because with middle mom age comes lactose intolerance.
12) When fashionable means rips, graphics, distressed fabric, or questionable hemlines on your children’s clothing, you have been known to suddenly become super conservative.
13) You say things like, 1, 2…OMG! Don’t make me say 3!
14) You have mastered your mother’s slightly-evil-mostly-disapproving mom glare. So much so that your glare works on the neighborhood kids with as much punch as it does on your own children.
15) The PTA is a really exciting place to be. (WTF? Did you just say that?!)
16) After a few years of parenthood, you have finally realized that that wasn’t coffee in your mom’s mug at every sporting/recital/birthday party.
17) You lie so much to your children about food, reasons why you can’t (fill in the blank), and reason why you have to (fill in the blank) that you are starting to believe that spaghetti really is hair from a giant evil ninja and that if you eat it all you really might win the Golden Sword of All Knowing.
18) You can’t help but over share details about your children, like that time your son mooned the brownie troop or how cute his tushie is.
19) It turns out that moms fart with reckless abandon. Especially after ice cream (see # 11)
20) The excuse, because I gave birth to you is really handy.
21) Your kids are deeply embarrassed by your workout outfit and the fact that you do Pilates in the living room to DVD’s. Hello, Jane Fonda!
22) You once told your daughter that you hope she has children just like her. Pfft…that’ll teach her.
23) You now need half a pot of coffee to be functional in the morning. And then half a bottle of wine 12 hours later.
24) You now have very strong opinions on Spanx, diets, and the appropriate number of years that you can still wear maternity pants after you’ve birthed your last child.
Say what you will, the day will come when you sneak an extra slice of cake and start muttering about starting a diet tomorrow and BOOM it will hit you… you are becoming your mother.