I’m sorry to tell you this, but chances are pretty freaking good that you’re totally sucking as a wife. I mean, you may be cooking, cleaning, raising children, and doing all of the requisite sexy stuff, but guess what? That’s not enough. At least not according to the book 25 Ways To Communicate Respect To Your Husband. According to this book, there’s about a 100% chance that you’re doing everything wrong.
Just in case you feel like learning how to get your shit together so you can finally give your dude the insane amount of hero worship he deserves, here is the list you should be following in order to not suck. To make it easier to follow (because who has time for understanding rules and regulations when they’re busy in the kitchen?), I’ve cut through all the Stepford Wife bullshit and explained the rules in terms that we can all understand.
25 Ways To Respect Your Husband:
1) CHOOSE JOY: AKA Pretend you’re happy even when you’re hella pissed. Smile anyways, because ain’t no man likes a mad woman.And when it’s time for your period and you can’t seem to control your mood, you need to go to one of those period tents like the women did in ancient times, and you need to keep your bitchy ass in there until you perk the hell up. OK? Your moodiness is a boner killer and your dude don’t need no sass.
2) HONOR HIS WISHES. AKA Do whatever the hell your dude wants you to do. Make sure the house is tidy and dinner is ready. Don’t make him ask you twice. Once is bad enough. Second time it goes in your chart. Third time he gets to kick you in the ovaries with a steel-toed boot.
3) GIVE HIM YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. AKA Listen to your damn dude. When your dude is talking you need to drop everything, stare deep into his eyeballs, and really listen and understand what he is saying to your stupid ass. While you’re staring into his eyes, he will hypnotize you into learning your place. Don’t fight the hypnosis. Shhhhh…Just let it happen. Pretend he’s vampire Eric and you are getting glamored. I know it’s tempting to go all Firestarter on him while you are staring into those manly eyes, but if you do, Satan will eat your soul.
4) DON’T INTERRUPT. AKA Always keep your damn mouth shut. Even if he’s saying something insane, racist, or just plain old stupid. Even if he is calling you a terrible name, like whore faced ass bag. Even if there is a serial killer sneaking up behind him with a bloody ax. Let it happen. Yes, you may be saving his life, but at what cost? Murder or no murder, interrupting your man is still rude and is level 10 insubordination.
5) EMPHASIZE HIS GOOD POINTS. AKA Always tell your dude he’s awesome. Even if he’s a jackass, tell him he’s fantastic. Even if he hasn’t bathed in a week and smells like a hobo’s ass crack, tell him he smells outdoorsy and manly and it’s turning you on. He may not be perfect, but neither are you. AS IF! If you point out his imperfections, he will send you to your room without dinner. The dinner that you cooked. From scratch. On a wood stove.
6) PRAY FOR HIM. AKA Tell your dude only positive things, save the shit he don’t wanna hear for the man in the sky. Dude ain’t got time for your damn negativity. Your man is doing something that’s bothering you? Kids acting like assholes? You’ve been feeling really sick and there’s a good possibility that you’re dying? Don’t bother your man with that nonsense. Tell him everything’s awesome and then dial up God and tell Him what’s up. Why burden your man when he has better things to do? Suck it up, Buttercup. Your dude is busy being king.
7) DON’T NAG. AKA Shut the fuck up, woman. He’s not your child. Don’t treat him like one. Except, of course, when it comes to the whole doing his laundry, laying out his clothes in the morning, making his dinner, cleaning up after him, catering to his every whim, being careful not to set him off when he’s in a mood, and revolving your entire life around him situation. It can be confusing and the lines can seem blurry since you are doing all the same shit for him that you do for your spawn. But you need to know your place and shut the hell up. Dude’s gonna do what dude’s gonna do.
8) BE THANKFUL. AKA Thank your dude for everything he does. Even if it’s just breathing. You should thank him for being alive so you can enjoy his wisdom and awesomosity. You have been given the precious gift of his presence and you should thank him for that constantly.
9) SMILE AT HIM. AKA Lie with your face hole. Even if he’s being a dick, you need to turn that frown upside down, girlfriend. And don’t even try one of those sassy, sarcastic smiles. You best give that dude your best “I am the luckiest woman alive” smile. Don’t worry, he won’t be creeped out at all. Smiles are pretty and Heaven knows there ain’t no ugly bitches allowed up in here.
10) RESPOND PHYSICALLY. AKA Spread your legs because it’s go time. Always tell your dude that you’re in the mood. Even if you have a fever of 103 with vomiting and occasional diarrhea, you need to suck it up, put a cork in it, and do the deed. Even if you feel like you’re about to die, just lie there. He probably won’t even notice if you die in the middle of it. It’s not about you anyway. Don’t you know it makes your man sad when you say no to him? It’s your job as a wife to show him respect, so shut the hell up and do your baby good.
11) EYES ONLY FOR HIM. AKA You should probably just gouge your eyes out with a spoon already. Looking at other men is never okay. Don’t even watch movies or read books with handsome men in them. This might make your man feel inferior, and your man should be the only man worth looking at or thinking about. Only watch movies about ugly people, like Elephant Man, and only read wholesome children’s books. But not Curious George. Because that yellow hat guy is kinda sexy and I hear he’s hung like a moose.
12) KISS HIM GOODBYE. AKA Always kiss your dude when he’s leaving or returning. Even if he’s taking the trash out or running to get the mail. Wait. Who am I kidding? He’s not doing those menial chores. You are. But even if he’s leaving the room to go look at himself in the mirror and tell himself how awesome he is, kiss him when he walks out and kiss him again when he walks back in. If you don’t, he might leave you forever and it would be all your fault.
13) PREPARE HIS FAVORITE FOODS. AKA If dude don’t love it, bitch don’t cook it. Even if everyone else in your family hates liver and little Susie is so allergic to it that she might die if she touches it. Even if the neighbors beg you not to make it since it makes the entire block smell like dead people. Even if your cat vomits all over the carpet due to the noxious fumes that only cooking bodily organs can produce. None of that matters. You need to make that muthafuckin’ liver at least four times a month. Dude loves liver. Dude gets liver. It’s called honoring your man, bitches.
14) CHERISH TOGETHERNESS. AKA Always sit rightnext to your dude. Even if he’s busy doing something, you need to just sit there, look at him, and bask in his him-ness. Even if he has to take a poop, just sit on the floor outside the bathroom door and pass him little notes that say, “Do you love me? Check yes or no” and whisper things like, “Even your poop smells perfect!” You should pretend there is an invisible rope tying you to your dude at all times. If you don’t stay close to him, he might do or say something amazing that you would miss if you had a life of your own.
15) DON’T COMPLAIN. AKA Just cut your tongue out and be done with it. Why the hell would you ever complain? Your life is perfect! You don’t even have to think for yourself. You get to go through your days like a mindless robot sex chef who also does laundry. If a contrary thought pops in your head, you should totally just punch yourself in the face until it goes away. Or pray it away. If you let a complaint pass your lips, your dude has the right to shank you.
16) RESIST THE URGE TO CORRECT. AKA Dude is never, ever, wrong. If he says 2 + 2 = 17, then 2 + 2 = freaking 17. The end.
17) DRESS TO PLEASE HIM. AKA Always look hot and ready. But not hot enough that other men look at you. It’s a very fine line and you’re probably way too dumb to keep from crossing it, but you need to try. Make-up is a plus and sweatpants are for bitches who wanna sleep in the barn.
18) KEEP THE HOUSE TIDY. AKA Start scrubbing, Alice. How can The King be expected to come home to a dirty castle? This ain’t an episode of Hoarders. It’s an episode of Leave It to Beaver.
19) BE CONTENT. AKA Be happy with what you have and STFU. Just because the neighbor lady has her own car and gets to leave the house without a chaperone doesn’t mean that you get to. And fancy beauty salons are for snobs and heathens. Just wear a ponytail and let your hair grow in its natural color. Highlights are for selfish, vain assholes who don’t spend 24/7 thinking about their husbands.
20) TAKE HIS ADVICE. AKA Do whatever the hell your dude tells you to do. Your dude knows best. Even if you ask for driving directions and he says to turn left at the second light and the second light is a one-way street, your ass better just turn left into that oncoming traffic. Seriously. Do it. Your dude said so. (This is probably a bad example since I doubt that you are allowed to drive. It’s hard to look at your husband all dreamy and moony while operating a motor vehicle. Plus, you are probably way too stupid to understand all of those pedals and knobs and stuff.)
21) ADMIRE HIM. AKA Worship the frick out of your dude. Tell him he looks hot. Tell him he’s a genius. Look at him all damn day. Just stare at him with admiration in your eyes so that he feels worshipped like the god that he is. Do not even think of trying to blink. If you can’t not blink, you need to cut your eyelids off with an exacto knife. Blinking will add up to way too much time you miss staring at his perfectness. You can’t take that chance, so ditch the lids.
22) PROTECT HIS NAME. AKA Don’t ever bitch about your dude. Even if your girlfriends are all talking about how annoying their husbands are, you need to smile and say that your dude is goddamn perfect. Sure, they will know you are a lying asshole and they might beat you up for being so pathetic, but it’s never EVER OK to let anyone know that your dude might not be perfect.
23) FORGIVE HIS SHORTCOMINGS. AKA Your dude can do whatever he wants and it’s a-OK. Even if he is the biggest jerk on the planet, it’s fine with you. You saw him kill a puppy for sport and then have sex with a methy hooker? I’m sure he had a good reason, so you need to deal with it and get all kinds of forgivey up in here.
24) DON’T ARGUE. AKA Shut your whore mouth. Whatever it is, and even if you are right, you need to shut the hell up and say “I’m sorry.” Somehow, some way, it’s all your fault anyhow.
25) FOLLOW HIS LEAD. AKA Simon says obey. Your dude is the king of the castle. It’s his way or the highway. He gets to make all the decisions. You are just the baby factory, the cook, and the maid. And not even a funny, sassy maid like Alice or Florence. You try that crap, you go to hell. You need to get your shit together and know your place.
You’re welcome, ladies.
Now turn off the damn computer and go bake something.
Related post: Being a Good Mom is Making me a Bad Wife