25 Ways You Know You’re a Parent to a Toddler

190 Comments

two kids sisters play together indoors

1. Someone steps on your breast by mistake.

2. Your slipper is taken off and shoved into your face while you (continue to) have breakfast.

3. There is an email sitting in your inbox titled Head Lice.

4. Things like “I wish I could have a trunk like an elephant” are being said and they don’t seem all that strange.

5. Things like: “you generally shouldn’t put things in your butt. It’s a rule” are also being said.

6. There is something called an Exersaucer in the middle of your living room.

7. There’s an underwear-less 3 year old boy face down in the Exersaucer. He is yelling “help, I’m stuck on a cliff’” while in the background there is relentless hysterical infant crying.

8. Someone is conversing with you while you are sleeping.

9. Someone is conversing with you while you brush your teeth.

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10. Someone is conversing with you while you are peeing and expects you to play hide and seek at the same time.

11. You’re in bed with your eyes closed and fought too hard for this that you’re not opening your eyes, even if it means letting someone walk on your rib cage, step on your head, pluck your hair out, block your airways and repeatedly respond to the question “mommy, did it tick yet?”

12. You never get to drink a cup of tea/coffee while it’s still warm.

13. You never get to finish that cup of tea/coffee, ever.

14. There’s a random high heeled shoe, an egg beater a Viking’s helmet, and a swim board on your bathroom floor.

15. You feel strangely nostalgic as you notice the high heeled shoe.

16. You consider a trip to IKEA with your husband to replace a mattress a date.

17. You wear your high heels for the first time in months and a new totally rocking faux fur vest. There’s a big Charlie Brown sticker dangling from the faux fur you’re wearing for the very first time.

18. You wake up at 7:20am. You lucky dawg!

19. You can’t name a song by Florence and the Machine or One Direction but the Excesaucer tunes are looping in your head.

20. Losing a favorite teddy is your worst nightmare. I apologize, bad choice of words. Losing a favorite teddy is a nuclear holocaust.

21. You get excited when you see a garbage truck.

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22. You have to stop yourself from saying fighted, eated and breaked.

23. There are no more mid-day sweet tooth indulgences. If it’s a real emergency and you just NEED to eat your chocolate cake right now before something really bad happens, you’ll hide like the criminal that you are, so no child knows you eated it.

24. This is what a phone conversation with a friend sounds like:
Hey friend, (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m boiling the water for your hot chocolate. Warm chocolate, sorry). Yes, friend, sorry, I’m with you now, go ahead. (Yes, 3 Year Old, I’m still boiling the water for your warm chocolate. 3 Year Old, 3 Year Old, don’t do this, you’re gonna fall!) Sorry, friend. (Oh, wow, awesome!) Sorry, yes, talk to me, I’m listening, I can talk and listen at the same time.

25. You’re at home, headed toward the kitchen. You step on something and it either starts playing music, lights up or says caterpillar power! You pick it up and put it back in its place even though you’re fully aware you’ll be tripping on it again in 10 minutes.

Comments

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  1. 1

    Anne Kimball says

    Omg, this was hilarious.
    Or how about when you’re in the middle of making dinner and helping someone plot x on a graph and spelling catastrophe for someone else, and a child whines “where is my bacpack” and you answer “in the bathtub”, and nothing at all seems strange….

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    • 4

      Katia says

      Absolutely everywhere, including your hand bag which you open at work and in addition to crumbs you also find a piece of speedo like toddler underwear with an Elmo. True story.

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    • 7

      Ronnie says

      I’ve passed-on the exersaucer, but still have the crumbs…
      My 2 year old likes to play with the Swiffer-Vac, and somehow, I don’t have a problem with that! Just wished she would figure out how to do the corners and under the couch!

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      • 8

        Scarlet says

        I showed my daughter once how to use the Swiffer and she mopped the entire house while I drank my lukewarm coffee. Yesterday our dog tracked in mud and my daughter had cleaned it up with the Swiffer before I got out of the shower. Best. invention. ever!

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        • 11

          Ronnie says

          Hehehe… I’ve been thinking about getting one, but as is I have too much $hit to take care of (quite literally!). With the 3 kids, the cat and the fish! I guess maybe when the 2 year old is done potty training, it might be a better time!

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  2. 12

    teri says

    Yup there’s an excersaucer here too but there’s a 2 year old girl stuck in it hysterically screaming “out!” While my 8 year old takes video instead of actually getting her out. She’s all “mom how many views will we get on youtube?”

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    • 14

      Amy says

      Oh. my. gawd.

      I just had a vision of my girls (big sis 6 years; baby sis 6 weeks) doing this in two years’ time. My 6-year-old loves (and has always loved) operating cameras and video recording devices.

      Also, this article is hilarious. I’m totally the criminal who eated the chocolate cake.

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  3. 15

    Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

    Oh, the good ol days!!! Trust me it gets better! Now, I have conversations when I pee, when I’m on the phone, when I sleep, kids scream random things, get stuck places, walk on my ribcage, trip over air… wait, nothing’s really changes, shit, never mind!

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  4. 17

    Mama Melch says

    I DREAM of waking up at 7:20! I’m so happy everyone else has had to utter ridiculous phrases like “please stop licking things” and “generally, the butt is exit only.” Hilarious post!

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    • 19

      Scarlet says

      Reminds me of video on the local news about a traveling intestines/colon exhibit (REALLY slow news day) and at one end of the gigantic colon (large enough for a kid to crawl through) was a sign that read “Exit Only”. My husband and I were giggling like 12-year-olds when suddenly the camera zoomed in to block the “Exit Only” sign out of the shot. We erupted in uncontrollable laughter.

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    • 26

      Katia says

      Yes, I am totally with you. I bet if they step on our rib cage, head or breast in the middle of the night and wake us up, we’ll be able to sing all of them without ever hesitating.

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    • 27

      lisa says

      You mean the Fisher Price dog that randomly starts talking at 2:30 am from the toy box at the foot of your bed? It took 5 bleary minutes for me to figure out how to turn it off.

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    • 28

      Anne says

      You mean the “Creepy Puppy” that on the way home from the store in the back of my Tucson with nothing touching it suddenly said, “Peek-a-boo! I see you!” Like some kind of fucking Chucky doll? That one?

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      • 29

        Jennie says

        We have one of those and we call it “creepy dog”. Best is when nobody is anywhere near it and it says, “you’re wonderful!” It makes me think that it wants to add, “…to eat!” after that phrase. Creepy-ass dog!

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  5. 31

    Amelora says

    Mine would be – Mondays start to look great because they go back to school, office drama has nothing on a Sunday afternoon “there’s nothing to dooooooo” melt down.

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    • 36

      Katia says

      This is inspiring, 8 is my new mantra. :-) I know what you mean, my older one is only 3.5 but I can already tell this whole growing up thing is happening too fast. And I am curious about how your boys made you feel really old. Gonna have to bookmark that for later.

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