Do You Have a Baby?

bbbbbbIn my years of experience, I’ve learned that parenthood can be a tricky business. The answers aren’t always clear, even for what seem to be the simplest of questions; for example, some of you out there might not even be sure if you have a baby living at your house, which can make parenting even more troublesome. We get busy, or forgetful, especially with all the sleep deprivation we endure thanks to our demanding careers and/or babies screaming all night long, and suddenly you find yourself wondering, “Wait, wasn’t there a tiny person around here someplace?”

Before you go searching the backyard and feeling around behind the refrigerator for a baby you might not even have, I’ve put together this easy test to help you determine if, in fact, you are the parent of an infant.

1. Look down at your shirt, and determine into which category it falls.
A) It is clean, fashionable, and neatly pressed; I just put it on this morning.
B) It’s wrinkled and could probably use a wash, but it doesn’t smell TOO bad and is (relatively) stain-free. It may or may not have a few holes in it.
C) There are 5 or more stains, concentrated mainly in the shoulder regions; no more than two of the stains originated from something I was personally eating. I don’t remember when I put it on, but I do know I’ve slept in it for at least two nights.

A: You are not a parent. You sound very polished and well-rested, and I hate you.
B: You are not a parent, either – it sounds like you might just be a slob. Pull yourself together.
C: Congratulations! You have a baby.

* * *

2. What do you do when it’s time for dinner?
A) Hop in the car – there’s a new sushi place only a half hour from here!
B) Go to your well-appointed gourmet kitchen that is fully stocked and sparkling clean, and whip up a nutritious, delicious meal for your family. You eat together at the dining room table, which does NOT have a view of the television.
C) Go to the kitchen, where there’s plenty of food for side dishes but you forgot to put any meat in the fridge to thaw, so all the ground beef is hard as a brick. Realizing you haven’t eaten all day, you get out a box of crackers and stand at the kitchen counter, trying to think of something to make for dinner while eating crackers until you aren’t even hungry anymore. Later, at about 10 PM, you will supplement your cracker feast with food that was left on other people’s plates, which you sample while you load the dishwasher. You don’t remember the last time you sat down to eat.

A: You do NOT have a baby, unless you’re that couple who takes their baby to restaurants and are the only two people there who don’t notice she’s screaming her head off. You don’t have older kids either, because they would never agree to try sushi, nor would you think sushi was worth the effort of packing everyone in the car to drive an hour round trip.
B: I’m sorry to inform you that you are fictional. And I hate you.
C: Congrats on having a baby! Or an eating disorder. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

* * *

3. How would you describe the color scheme of your home decor?
A) Monochromatic and modern – I like things to match, creating a pleasing design using texture and subtle pops of color.
B) Warm and traditional – I like deep colors, expensive fabrics, and rich wood tones.
C) Eclectic – The bottom layer of my home decor consists of decent quality, grown-up furniture mixed with cheap college throw-back items, with a thick top layer of random objects that look like several boxes of Crayola markers threw up on them. My home conveys the distinct feeling that an iceberg containing a Toys R Us store recently plowed through my living room, dropping its contents in its wake.

A: You do not have a baby. The only “pops of color” parents get in their decorating are ketchup stains generated when their children throw chicken nuggets across the room.
B: You don’t have a baby; nothing parents purchase for themselves can be classified as “expensive” until their children are all out of college.
C: You definitely have a baby. A good rule of thumb: no childless adult purposely has anything on semi-permanent display in their home that boasts eye-jabbingly bright primary colors.

* * *

4. What was the most ridiculous thing you recently said out loud to another human being?
A) “I believe a two-party political system is the best option we have available for our government. Everything in Washington is positively dandy!”
B) “I’ll bet you I can spit on the cat from here.”
C) “Whats-a wrong wif my doodle? Does my wittle boodle bug have some poopity pants?”

A: There’s no way you have a baby. First of all, parents rarely find the time or energy to have political discussions, because they’re too busy programming their V-Chips to prevent their offspring from getting warped by accidental Barney sightings. They also just plain avoid the topic, because thinking about politics depresses them with the realization that public schools are all going to be poorly organized crack houses within the next five years, but that it doesn’t matter because Big Business is going to explode the environment before their baby gets into kindergarten anyway.
B: I can only hope and pray you don’t have a baby. (Note to B’s baby: If you’re reading this, call 911.)
C: Congratulations – you have a baby! Or you’ve just suffered a stroke. Either way, you sound like a moron; I should know, because that’s exactly what I said to my baby not five minutes ago. There’s an unwritten rule that says to talk to a baby, you have to sound like you’re only mildly more mentally developed than they are. Unless you’re one of those new-age parents who talks to their baby as if they’re reading their dissertation to a committee of astrophysics professors. I hate to tell you this, but your baby has no idea what you’re talking about, and is not impressed.

* * *

5. What is the best time of day for you to unwind, relax, and just have some “you” time?
A) I like to get up early, before anyone else is awake, to meditate and do some yoga.
B) When I’m driving – I can organize my thoughts or turn up the music and just cut loose!
C) I lock the bathroom door and treat myself to a nice, warm bubble bath.

Ha! This was a trick question, none of these people have a baby. Once you have kids, you can kiss “you” time goodbye – no one gets up earlier than the kids, you can’t jam out in the car because you’re too concerned about blowing out their tiny eardrums before they’re teenagers and have the opportunity to do it themselves, and infants are born with the innate ability to unlock the bathroom door, barge in, and announce they want a peanut butter sandwich, no matter how many deadbolts you install.

* * *

Well, I hope you found this quiz helpful, and if you determined that you do, in fact, have a baby, I hope she turns up before you have to call the authorities!

About the writer


Robyn Welling is a freelance writer, editor and graphic designer.Β She's even a New York Times bestselling humorist, yet her five kids and otherwise pretty amazing husband refuse to admit she's funny. She's a daily contributor to Scary Mommy, creates gorgeous pinnable images for the site's articles and makes sure the Scary Mommy Pinterest stream is full of fabulous stuff you won't want to miss! Follow Robyn onΒ Twitter.


Tammara 2 years ago

I read this post fully about the comparison of
newest and previous technologies, it’s amazing article.

Alicia 3 years ago

ahhh… #1… i’m wearing that shirt right now. i’m not exactly sure how many days i’ve worn this shirt. i know i’ve showered recently. i think it was tuesday. my MIL cut my hair and i felt bad about smelling like a homeless person, so i showered while she cut my son’s hair. you would think that you couldn’t stain a black shirt, not so… i have bleach stains on most of my shirts. i really don’t even attempt to “dress up” anymore. i have a few shirts hidden away for when i have something important to do in a public place but i rarely ever use them. i’ve just gotten to the point that i don’t much care what other people think. when i do have the rare opportunity to leave the house, i do put on makeup and squeeze on a pair of pre pregnancy jeans… and i figure that’s effort enough! lol

recently i’ve forced myself into working out. to manage this i put both babies in their swings or highchairs and listen to them scream while i try not to look like i’m having a seizure, learning the zumba moves. every time i attempt this i get the impression that my toddler and i look quite a lot alike when dancing. while i should be ashamed by this fact, i’ve gone far past the point of having shame. i generally don’t get through 5 minutes without having to pause the video to prevent a meltdown by either one or both of my kids. that’s my “me” time.

Jessica Smock 3 years ago

So true! I thought once my son hadn’t gotten out of the spitting up phase, I would go back to wearing clothes without stains. Definitely not! It’s rare that I get through the day without something smeared or sticky on more than item of clothing. And before our son was born, we were definitely that couple that liked to check out all the new sushi places and ethnic restaurants. Now, we consider anything gourmet if it didn’t come frozen, whether it’s prepared food or takeout.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Right? As soon as you escape the spit up stains it’s peanut butter on your shirt and a finger-paint coated leg embrace. They’re lucky they’re cute, and they better hope new sushi places are still opening after they move out.

Amanda Martin 3 years ago

I laughed so hard at the Toys-r-us iceberg image I nearly woke husband and kids. So that’s what happens to my house every day! (me-time is checking twitter on my phone under the duvet when I hear kids stirring but they’re not quite awake).
In answer to the lady who doesn’t have children: I hate to say it but it’s all true. It’s probably best to hang on to your belief it’ll be different for you (as I’m sure we all did), otherwise you’ll never have kids.!

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    And then some of us keep having them! “Eh, we already have toys and sippy cups everywhere, how much more could there be with another kid?” we think. SO MUCH MORE is the answer.

Rosey yachnes 3 years ago

I just wondering, I understand babies need many things and are completely dependent on you, but to have no life bc of children seems a bit exaggerated. I am not trying to judge bc like I said I have no kids, I definitely will love some. I just feel like there is a way for the parents to enjoy their children, but still contemplate politics.

    Rebecca 3 years ago

    It’s okay, Rosey! Don’t worry! Your life is far from perfect when you have kids, but yes, you can still HAVE a life! My mom raised ten kids and she never complained. It was her job and she put everything into it. Her home was in order, clean, and happy. There were homecooked meals always on the table, and she looked good :) I’m preggo and have an almost two year old. It’s been hard battling the morning sickness and keeping up with my job as a wife and mom, cook and housekeeper. But it’s not impossible! Your children definitely don’t need to run your life :) It’s all about the choices you make! I know frantic moms and mom who have it all together. Sometimes my life is frantic, but then it settles back down. Don’t worry. It’s really not as bad as it sounds :)

      Rosey 3 years ago

      Rebecca thank you. Beshah tova. I guess I’m worrying a little early. Gd willing it will work out for me and my husband and we will still do adult activities and still enjoy our children!

        hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

        You absolutely will – your life will change a lot, in ways you didn’t expect, but you can enjoy your kids and enjoy time with your husband and friends. The key is not to expect perfection. Like Rebecca says, there are times when things get crazy and times when you feel totally on top of things, and you shouldn’t ever feel like you’re doing it “wrong” if you don’t enjoy every second of it or you feel like you’ve been bucked off a horse and trampled. Joking about it helps until you get back in the saddle. πŸ˜‰

Joanne 3 years ago

I have two babies. This shirt isn’t even mine. I grabbed it yesterday (or was it the day before?) off a pile of laundry that I assume was clean.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Ha! Sometimes it’s hard to tell which pile is which!

Rosey yachnes 3 years ago

I don’t have kids, but honest is it really that bad, or are you letting the kids rule your life. Just wondering?

    Joanne 3 years ago

    It’s not like, an option. I don’t let mine rule my life, I just do everything they NEED and there’s no time left.

      hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

      While the post is tongue-in-cheek – I *have* worn a clean shirt, on occasion, since my kids were born, for example – I agree with Joanne. There’s not a lot of time in the day – for any of us. There truly are days when there’s no time to change your shirt, or discuss politics, and while I probably could wrestle my kids into a sushi restaurant if I were really craving it, most of the time there are just more important things I’d rather focus my waning energy on. :)

        Alicia 3 years ago

        ahhh that’s so funny. “that bad”. well i guess it is “that bad” at times. but it’s not about them controlling your life. they NEED YOU. i have two under 2. their birthday’s are seriously 4 days apart (NOT PLANNED!) and they pretty much need me ALL.THE.TIME. yes, you give up your spare time. infact most parents don’t even remember what “spare time” is. when you have kids a strange phenomenon occurs. your life no longer revolves around you and your needs. it revolves around them and their needs. and while it sounds kind of horrible it really really isn’t that bad. the great thing about kids is that while they’re annoying sometimes they’re also really amazing! my 2 year old has regressed quite a bit since his brother was born. he went from speaking whole sentences to barely speaking at all. today he said “stop! stop!” and it made my day. i’d trade a night out and a clean shirt to hear him talk to me any day.

Laura 3 years ago

haha! I love this! Although, on question one, there should be an option “D: What shirt?” Of course, I’m typing this at 10:30 at night while nursing my son. :-)

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Good point, Laura!

Evalynn Rose 3 years ago

It’s like you watch my life… especially the part about eating crackers over the sink until not hungry and then helen kellering other peoples’ food instead of thawing one of 7 hunks of meat in the freezer to eat like civilized people.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Every night, almost. And then I wonder how I can gain weight when, as far as I remember, I haven’t had a real meal in about four years.

Ariana 3 years ago

My 3 kids are grown and this house can still answer C to question 2. I remember to buy meat, I remember to put it in the freezer, but does any one of the 4 people capable of making dinner in this house remember to remove said meat from freezer in time to cook for dinner do so? Tune in next time…

    Hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Oh man, I was afraid of that. I was hoping to just pin that one on the kids, but I bet I’ll be doing it long after they move out, too!

Ashley 3 years ago

So that is a baby in my house- I knew it!

Lisa 3 years ago

As I read this, I was in the bathroom, my 8 month old staring at me laughing, sitting in the doorway. If I put her outside by two inches with the door open , it’s the closest to alone time in the bathroom I will have for a long time πŸ˜‰

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Right? That’s the most personal space you can hope for most days. πŸ˜‰

Tanya 3 years ago

What does “me time” even mean again??

Mercy 3 years ago

I no longer have babies in the house, however #1 still applies sometimes, and #3 covers my house. There is more crayon, pencil, and chalk on the lower parts of my walls than paint – actually, it is hard to find a part that isn’t drawn on. And the toy trails, yes, I know those. I only pick up toys when I need to sweep and mop, otherwise it is a waste of my time. The same goes for making beds. I tried to keep cute matching bed covers on my kids’ beds, but gave up after keeping them looking neat became impossible.
Now that they are a little older, I can finally get some “me” time. I’m lucky that my kids like to sleep in the morning, so I get up early to exercise and by the time I have to get them up for school, I’ve had a workout, shower and coffee. Don’t hate me. :)

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Luckily, those of us whose kids are still babies are too tired to hate you, and too out of shape to hunt you down. πŸ˜‰ Besides, how can I hate a fellow mom who lets her kids be in charge of the decor???

Jody A 3 years ago

Question 6: How do you rate this blog entry?

A. It was funny, informative, well-written, and gave me a much-needed laugh.

B. I enjoyed reading this, but honestly I skimmed a bit because I was distracted.

C. I…what?

A: You don’t have a baby. You probably don’t even have kids if you’re alert enough to make such a cogent assessment.

B: You may have kids, but likely not a baby.

C: Baby. Mombrain.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    So, so very true – I should definitely add that one! :)

Jeni 3 years ago

Um yeah, #1 is pretty much spot-on! You know you have a baby when you choose your tops based on which prints will best camouflage drool!

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Yup, I used to have a strictly solid-colors wardrobe. Now everything is patterned, even the stuff that used to be solid.

Kiran 3 years ago

This is hysterical. I think our two party system is to die for by the way. As in it makes me want to kill someone most days. Which tells me I’m a parent because my tolerance level for bullshit has reached an all time low.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Ha! Perfect.

Christina 3 years ago

I’m laughing so hard right now…people around me are looking at me like I’m a crazy bum. Which doesn’t bother me at all, by the way, seeing as I do look like a bum today because…wait for it…I have kids! Thanks for the belly laughs!

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Hey, if we have to look like bums, we might as well look like happy bums, right? :)

Taralee 3 years ago

I am totally 2c and 3c, eating crackers and cheese thinking on what to make for supper b/c I forgot to take something out to thaw and my color schemes are colors of the rainbow and toys that I can use to build myself a new wal-mart….very good at knowing if I have a baby, the clothes bit are so me aswell, way to go Robyn, thanks for posting these.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Thank YOU for reading and commenting – and commiserating. :)

Jennifer 3 years ago

Sorry, I didn’t have time to read it all,i have a baby! :-)

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Hahahahaha! Wait, I should be crying, not laughing!

Falon 3 years ago

This is hilarious! I laughed out loud at the thought of chicken nuggets being thrown across the room. And who doesn’t have a view of the tv from their eating area?!? Notice I don’t even say table… Who even eats at the table with kids these days?

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    I hear you there – we didn’t even have a dining room table for the first three years we lived in this house!

Jessica 3 years ago

Lol. I do, in fact, have a baby!!!

as a side note…I’ve been known to get up at 3 am after a nursing session and take a nice looooong hot shower…until the hot water ceases to exist just to get some “me” time.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    That’s such a good plan, Jessica! You have to steal precious alone time whenever you can get it. πŸ˜‰

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

Hmmm… interesting… I… don’t have a baby. My kids are 6 and 3. Now I feel a little sad.

But I AM wearing a clean shirt, and we just had sushi over the weekend – even the kids.

So don’t worry – THE CHAOS GOES AWAY! But so does the adorable cooing, chubby little legs, and cute little gummy grins. Those really were some good years! <3

    Amanda 3 years ago

    I know!….I’m a new mom again and keep telling myself (through the colicky screaming) that I’d better enjoy it or else *gasp* risk thinking about having another just for the cute baby stage….someone slap me! lol

    I loved the part at the end about the deadbolts! I swear I must have slept through the baby-making sex with McGyver to have had my daughter who can master any obstacle set before her with only a laundry basket, wooden spoon and a pacifier ( all to get a cookie from the counter)!

      hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

      Agreed! Missing the chubby legs and gummy grins is what landed me this baby – just when my older kids had started to eat sushi and had lost interest in picking locks. πŸ˜‰

Debbie 3 years ago

Hi Robyn,

How I remember those days. Great quiz. And if you are feeling like you have life under control and always have schedule that you meet you don’t have a baby.

And if you take a shower that is longer than 5 minutes, you don’t have a baby.

Thanks Robyn for the smiles and hang in there ladies with babies.

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Thanks for the pep talk, Debbie! Now I’m off to shower – wait, that’s too ambitious. Maybe I’ll just try to rinse off in the sink.

      Debbie 3 years ago

      That was good. Rinsing off in the sink is going to work for awhile. Be sure to get those arm pits good! And don’t forget the clean wash cloth for the next sink rinsing.

Jess 3 years ago

I do have a baby! Now where did I put the damn thing???

    Kristen Mae 3 years ago


Wendy 3 years ago

The one about deciding what to make for dinner…. I laughed out loud!! Very true:)

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Every. Single. Day. Siiiiiigh.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Ah trick question! I new it as soon as I read it!

Alison 3 years ago

Haha! Question 4, C, totally made me laugh.

Good one, Robyn!

    hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

    Thanks so much! And yes, she did have some poopity pants, in case you were wondering.


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