5 Ways to Please Your Man! (Or, Not)

I have come across a few “5 Ways to Please Your Man” articles recently which, more than anything, leave me rolling my eyes instead of feeling inspired. Here’s how the article suggestions would go down in my house…

Article suggestion #1: Greet him at the door wearing an apron and high heels when he gets home from work.

What really happensPut kids to bed early and assume the attire. The only apron you can find says, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating,” but it will do. And you haven’t worn sexy heals since before your first child was born, so you find yourself hunched over boxes, digging through basement storage wearing nothing but an apron. Your four-year-old sneaks out of bed, finds you and announces, “Eeeweee! Mom’s booty!”

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Fast-forward to husband gets home late to find “just marinating” wife passed out on the couch, waiting for him with a bag of potato chips on her chest and one navy blue/one black high heel.

Article suggestion #2: Go to his work at lunchtime wearing nothing but a trench coat and high heels; surprise him in his office and lock the door behind you.

What really happens: Your 20 year old babysitter and 65 year old retired neighbor scratch their heads as you leave the house looking like inspector gadget in July. Kids whine, ” I wanna dress up like Perry the Platypus too!”

When you finally get to husband’s work, the gate security guard tells you he needs to search your jacket and bag before giving you a visitors pass. You turn cherry-red and make a beeline back to the minivan.

Article suggestion #3: Send him a sexy, seductive selfie. Bonus points for nipple.

What really happens: Google “permanency of text messages” and contemplate appropriateness of sending a sext to husband’s work cell. Nothing says sexy like locking yourself in the bathroom, experimenting with seductive pouts and poses while ignoring children’s banging on the door. And try not to slip in the puddle of pee surrounding the toilet. You finally decide to just not include your face.

Husband replies a few hours later to boob-pic: “Did Johnny get another spider bite? Looks bad this time.”

Article suggestion #4: Sit on his lap, look lovingly in his eyes and tell him he is your hero and the man of your dreams.

What really happens: As you attempt to sit on his lap, husband keeps moving over on the couch to make room for you. Finally you announce, “I’m trying to sit on your lap,” to which he replies “why? We have a big couch that we can all fit on.”

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Eavesdropping two-year old gets great idea and claims territory on daddy’s lap. Two additional kids squeezed in-between you, so you lean across two little heads and whisper, “you’re my hero” into husband’s ear.

He scratches his ear and says, “Huh?” Oh, okay,” while switching the Netflix to the Superman cartoon.

Article suggestion #5: Make a reservation at his favorite restaurant and tell him half-way through the meal that you’re not wearing any panties.

What really happens: Hmmm…His favorite restaurant? You contemplate the $3/slice pizza place and the local fast-food place with the play area, but then remember you will be kid-free.

After the salad course, you lean close to your husband and whisper, “I’m not wearing any underwear.” He informs you of the spinach in your teeth and asks, “Oh, are we running low on clean laundry?”

You each have two glasses of wine, not enough to impair your driving, but enough to help you pass out with your mouth hanging wide open before your head hits the pillow…(right after you’ve gotten into your comfie draw-string PJs and back into your booty-covering undies.)

Related post: Why You Should Say Yes Tonight

About the writer

Dr. Angelica Shiels is a wife, a mom of three young boys, and a therapist in private practice in the Annapolis, Maryland area. She blogs shamelessly about psychology, relationships, and parenting adventures at On the Yellow Couch . You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.


Jennifer Osso 11 months ago

My hubby’s ideal day (as told by him) morning sex/ BJ. Golf with his buddy’s, steak dinner and soak in the hot tub with me and a bottle of wine. Actually..that sounds pretty f ing good :) now about those 3 kids? Lol

Ashley Burnam 11 months ago

Hahaha #4!!

Alexandra Rosas 11 months ago


Jessica Parker Zdinak 11 months ago

This is hilarious!!!! Great post :)

Chrissy McIntyre 11 months ago

Every cover of cosmo ever as something about how to get or please a man. How about “How to please yourself and not need a man to define your happiness”

Shannon Rae-Dufour 11 months ago

Ummm yep

Illia Baxter-Burriola 11 months ago

Too funny

Tara Danser Odom 11 months ago

Yep! Canceled my subscription (after over 10 years) when I had my first baby!

Kat Owens 11 months ago

Depressing…..really depressing….

Karen Brognard 11 months ago


Schirin Jungclaus 11 months ago

Anyone ever saw a piece “how to please your woman” in men’s magazine? Oh wait, they don’t read any of these…and so should we. Stop reading this sh** and do what you feel like…or don’t.

Jenn McPherson 11 months ago

Just because you recently read something doesn’t mean it’s for you. Cosmo is basically for single, 20-30ish year old girls, not women with husbands and families. I’m going to pick up a magazine about baseball now and write a sattire article on how 5 Ways to Improve Your Swing would play out at my house… Would make as much sense as this article just did lol. I was expecting to read something a bit more insightful. Disappointed.

Kathy Svajdlenka 11 months ago

Yeah, I’ll take the cake, thanks. After 17 years, he’s just pleased I let him take a nap instead of taking over with the kiddo. Now that’s love!

Margarita J. Cage 11 months ago


Bri Newhart 11 months ago

LMAO! Hilarious accounts on what reallyyyy happens. Love it.

Kimberlee Weihe 11 months ago

There is a top list of foods to please your man via Pinterest, I had to roll my eyes (I did not even hesitate to open it)! I like to make nice meals for my husband/family but it’s not going to be from a “man pleasing list”.

Harrstead Hollow 11 months ago

OMG! All you feminist man haters go away!! You’re spoiling the humor for those of us who do appreciate our men.

    Amanda Olson MacPherson 11 months ago

    Hush. Feminists don’t hate men. Bitter women hate men.

    Harrstead Hollow 11 months ago

    Lol, they’re one in the same in my book

Tiffany Thompson 11 months ago

Only way I’m making the cake is if he does the dishes. Equal house chores, equal parenting. Don’t care about woman roles, I work 40 hours a week too!

Angie Maragno 11 months ago

This was a great laugh!!!

Susan Whitaker Turner 11 months ago

This is hysterical!

Renée Noelle Pinto 11 months ago

If your man deserves all these things and earns them, then yes, by all means please him! I do my damndest to please my man because he is an amazing husband and I WANT to make him as happy as he makes me. He’s pretty easy to please though, dinner and a BJ, and not just on his birthday! LOL

Mike Rene 11 months ago

there really is only one way to please a man……

Hannah Elizabeth 11 months ago


Wendy Purcell 11 months ago

Loved it

Kristine Barrett 11 months ago

#4 What actually happens is spot on lol

Samantha D. Shaw 11 months ago

“Oh, are we out of clean laundry?” Buahaha

Cheron Burleson-Adcock 11 months ago

How about how he can please ME?

Erin Starowicz Coulter 11 months ago

Ahaha running low on laundry….yup that’s happened.

Rachael Elizabeth Ward 11 months ago

That’s funny

Angie Marie 11 months ago

Just curious, am I the only woman who doesn’t give one flying fuck about pleasing my man?

He knew who he was marrying.

    Cheron Burleson-Adcock 11 months ago

    No!! You are my soulmate. LOL

    Katelyn Blackiston 11 months ago


    Cheryl Andrew 11 months ago

    I like the idea of making each other happy, but “please your man” reeks of sexist entitlement… and I don’t think most men feel that way these days anyway.

Catherine Honse Le 11 months ago

Fookie — yup.

Elizabeth Ryan Catalano 11 months ago


Brandy Winegar 11 months ago

Oh my God, I laughed til I cried

Katrina A. Gunderman 11 months ago

Hahaha! This is fantastic! Such a fun read. My husband even enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing! :)

Laura McLaren 11 months ago

He’s lucky if I do his laundry….hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Breann Haimerl 11 months ago

A friend hired a Doula (no disrespect), my husband served as mine and was amazing. He was my hero in the delivery room when the outcome for me was questionable. I keep him fed and his kids happy 😉

Liz Kazmierczak 11 months ago

This is hilarious!!

Molly Bentz 11 months ago

That’s real life, right there, lol

Sara Morrissey 11 months ago


Amy Skalski 11 months ago

Yeah that’s going to happen

    Sara Morrissey 11 months ago

    OMG thank you

    Janelle Abate 11 months ago

    Thank you!!!!

Jill Hoover 11 months ago

Eh each relationship is different. I always greet my husband at the door with real clothes on (ie not yoga pants and a bra and shirt. You know put forth the effort). I try to minimize the complaints until he has showered and is ready to chat (he’s an introvert). works for us. I stay at home and yes we have spawn. But it’s the little things that make he feel comfortable coming home. He does the same for me

Amanda Shannon 11 months ago

This is in my top 3 scary mommy posts!!!!

Morgan Strong Greene 11 months ago

I am not ashamed to say that I aspire to please (booty/mashed potatoes) my husband every day.And he does is damnedest to please (a nap/ SHOES) me too. It’s called marriage & it’s not for wimps!

    Christy Dow 11 months ago


    Morgan Buchanan 11 months ago

    BEST COMMENT EVER!!! Sucks to be the man and woman in this article!

    Melissa Lynn Inglis 11 months ago


Jaselle Drexler 11 months ago


Brandi Ginn 11 months ago


Jennifer Tinney 11 months ago

Really? I was hoping to find the recipe for that strawberry pie. The only way I’m going panty less is if somebody shoots me in the shower with a tranquilizer dart.

Alyosha Violet 11 months ago

So we should teach our beautiful little daughters that they must grow up to:
Completely manage house and kids
Keep a strict beauty regimen
Probably also have a full time paid job
Not only sleep with husband every time he wants but be constantly seductive towards him
Build husband’s ego at all times
Never whinge or expect any assistance or reciprocation from said God
Completely subvert self in servitude to husband first and kids second

No, I’m not teaching my daughters to be slaves and sex robots for their masters. What’s so special about men that they deserve all that just to keep them from sleeping around!? (And does it work? Lol). I want them to find someone who believes in commitment, who respects marraige, the family unit, and isn’t an egotistical mysoginist! Then they can give from love, not the fear of hubby straying or ticking the box of what a good wife is meant to do.
The unwritten rule is that if wifey isn’t doing all that, he has the right to stray. Where have all the feminists gone?! Oh, they are turning in their graves.

    Jeanie Ortiz 11 months ago

    Wow, guess you read a whole lot more into this than I did. I just thought it was funny!

    Raya Parvez 11 months ago

    Yep, pretty much. Always good to read a funny parody of the ridiculousness tho.

    Cheryl Andrew 11 months ago

    Jeanie, that’s what the article was… mocking the idea that women are all supposed to be sexy seductresses who cook and clean and raise the kids with a bright smile, as though nothing ever, ever goes wrong, and the men in their lives all just walked out of a 50s-era sitcom. It’s silly.

    Alyosha Violet 11 months ago

    Thank you for taking the time to insult me for having an opinion, I hope you enjoyed it, I didn’t. But I forgive you, you might have been having a bad day or survived some rotten experiences, like most of us.

Tara Anderson 11 months ago

That’s seriously funny and sad but the truth.

Brandi Turner Gregory 11 months ago

Oh, so funny!!!

Pamela Alejandra Lopez 11 months ago

My husband would die (I mean die in a good way) if I ever received him like this. I guess he’ll go to his grave imagining what it’d be like!!!!

Marianne Elizabeth 11 months ago

I did have to read this to my SO. Who also laughed.

Jonathan Rice 11 months ago

My wife tells me I’m her hero, and she doesn’t even read cosmo…

Heather Scott McWhorter 11 months ago

Dying!!! LOL

Karly Tanner 11 months ago


Terri Simpson 11 months ago

I seriously read that thinking the recipe would be in it.

    Janelle Abate 11 months ago

    Me too!!!

Rebecca Owen 11 months ago

Btw, it isn’t just men who cheat. And the cause is unhappiness. No amount of this “please your man” crap will fix that.

Christy Spires 11 months ago

Two ways to please your man. Keep his belly full and his ball sack empty. You’re welcome.

    Jennifer Hammes Logan 11 months ago

    It’s pretty much that simple.

    Marianne Elizabeth 11 months ago

    My man said “preach” lol.

    Christy Spires 11 months ago

    I haven’t been with the same man for 10 years for nothing!!!

    Kaylene Pryor 11 months ago

    ^^ this comment!!

    Megan Bishop 11 months ago


    Morgan Strong Greene 11 months ago

    That’s what I ALWAYS say! Men are simple creatures!

    Christy Spires 11 months ago

    Exactly. You try to do too much you’re either going to make them laugh or confuse them.

    Jessica Holden Lauderdale 11 months ago

    You’re pretty much spot on!

    Marissa Bamberger 11 months ago

    Blow jobs & steak & mashed taders. End of list.

    David Burr 11 months ago

    Simple facts.

    Bonnie Walker Ahring 11 months ago

    Right on! lol

    Vina Vorasane 11 months ago

    Funny, but sooo true!

    Cheryl Louise Johnson 11 months ago

    Don’t forget to stroke his ego too

    Amanda Olson MacPherson 11 months ago

    If there was a manual, that would be the gist of it.

James Bell 11 months ago

Sure does look good

Sarah Lynn Duncan Imbert 11 months ago

I just gave birth to his son yesterday & only told him to stop talking once. He should be happy for a while.

    Teresa Howick Wilson 11 months ago


Scott Tracey Koehne 11 months ago

Yeah…pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth..

Valerie M Cody 11 months ago

And women wonder why men cheat. Smh. They need to feel wanted too you know.

    Katie Pouk 11 months ago

    Because so many men are studying up on how to make their woman feel wanted? Men cheat because they’re too lazy to invest as much time in making their partner feel wanted as they expect should be invested in them.

    Stacie Tabor 11 months ago

    If someone doesn’t feel ”wanted” in a relationship, they shoudl talk to their partner, not cheat. If they still don’t feel ”wanted” they should end the relationship, not cheat. There’s no excuse for it. No amount of ”making your man feel wanted” will stop him from cheating if he is the kind of person to do so.

    Valerie M Cody 11 months ago

    That is true. Some ppl are just assholes. But at least you can say you did your best in the relationship.

Neishia Grady Preston 11 months ago

I was looking for the cake recipe, damnit

Sandra Newman-Walton 11 months ago

Is that a cake? Or one of those gelatin mold things?

Melissa Larson 11 months ago

“Let them eat cake!”

Renee Clark Lawrence 11 months ago

Too funny!!! I love it!

Veronica Littlewolf 11 months ago

I came here for the cake :(

Claire Russell 11 months ago

The ONLY women who do this crap are in the movies…..just not real. Tell your man he’s your hero???? WTF?

    Ashlee Baird 11 months ago

    Sometimes, when my husband jumps on the blown out diarrhea diaper grenade…I call him my hero.

    Lindsey Clark 11 months ago

    When the kids both puked all over the floor and he didn’t make me clean any of it up….he kind of was my hero.

    Jessica Holden Lauderdale 11 months ago

    My husband is my hero. He fell in love with me even though I was a single mom and had pretty much no future. I worked 50 hours a week at 3 jobs just to make ends meet. He took on me and my two teens whom he loves as his own. He’s my superman and I tell him that often:)

    Michelle Yoder-Godown 11 months ago

    My husband is my hero, and I tell him every day. Every man wants to be knight in shining armor!

    Angie Marie 11 months ago

    Oh barf. My husband is a great husband and father, but doing what he’s supposed to do doesn’t make him a hero.

    Dani Keller 11 months ago

    Every man may want to be a knight in shining armor but not every man is

    Cheryl Andrew 11 months ago

    Jessica, you should be HIS hero. Three damn jobs just to make ends meet? You’re a hell of a catch.

    Angie Marie 11 months ago

    Cheryl, agreed!

    Renée Noelle Pinto 11 months ago

    I agree with Jessica, her story is my story! I worked 7 days a week and had THREE kids and my man was brave enough to take them on, LOL. But yes, we are great chicks Jessica! :)

    Lisa Franklin Smith 11 months ago

    I do these things for my hubby!

    Alyson Maliszewski 11 months ago

    If your husband isn’t your hero then you’re with the wrong man. Of course he can let you know when you’re super woman too…

    Morgan Buchanan 11 months ago

    It’s not in movies – but the feminist movement made this happen.

    As a previous commenter said above, “it’s called marriage and it’s not for wimps”

    Claire Russell 11 months ago

    I adore my husband and he has shown great strength in some very testing situations. We support each other through everything, we are affectionate and loving towards each other. I would go as far to say we are perfect for each other and lead a pretty equal marriage, neither of us gush over each other like the articles advise but we appreciate what we have and show each other when it feels right…..which with every marriage/partnership is not all of the time.

Amanda Parr 11 months ago

Lol. Marco Scot Parr

    Marco Scot Parr 11 months ago

    Def our life.

Taryn Franks 11 months ago

First thing I said as we was I want the cake instead. So I looked it up. I believe it’s a strawberry cream cake.

Pam Davidson 11 months ago

This is along the lines of my husband telling me how his mom (she is 90) would put on a nice dress and heels every day before his dad got home from work…I had a private hysterical laughing fit trying to figure out how that process would work out for me!

Lisa Prue 11 months ago

Don’t kill him as he sleeps

Connie Carson 11 months ago

Haaa haaaa….sad but oh so true

Gina Griffith Reynolds 11 months ago

Thank you. Those articles are retarded.

Mishelle Smethurst 11 months ago

Do they really still print articles like this? Those attitudes belong back in the 1950’s

    Taara Datta Donley 11 months ago

    I agree. I’ve never seen a man reading “5 ways to please your woman.”

    Teresa Howick Wilson 11 months ago

    Cosmo still does. Sickening eh?

    Jessica Holden Lauderdale 11 months ago

    Nothing wrong with making yours happy.. But he better be doing the same!

    Hannah Jones 11 months ago

    Yep…nothing like some good selfless “I’ll only work to make you happy if you do equal or more for me.” It’s these kinds of attitudes from men and women that are the root cause of the staggeringly sad divorce rate. :(
    Why don’t we aim to love selflessly, and love our spouse regardless of what we get in return? Life would be so much more fulfilling.

    Mishelle Smethurst 11 months ago

    My husband is the most amazing human being I have ever met! When I was suffering post natal depression after the birth of our second child, he’d come home from a 10 hour work day, cook dinner with baby in arms while tending to our eldest daughter. He’d clean after dinner, put them to bed and was completely fine with me taking a 5 day vacation to the tropics on my own to have a break. Came home and I was able to go back to being the way it had always been 50/50 with EVERYTHING. He recognised I wasn’t myself and instead of bitching and moaning about how hard his job is, he stepped up and took care of us. I never have to nag him to be with his kids, he adores them and probably has more fun playing in the mud than they do. He helps after dinner to get the house organised so we can relax after the kids go to sleep and watch a movie together. My wish? That everyone could experience having an amazing helpful partner like this. I feel sorry for women who have men require the sort of behaviour from the article :(

Christi Hoffmann 11 months ago

One time I put on sexy lingerie and heels and came strutting into the living room after the kids were asleep. My husband goes wide eyed and says “ooohhhh”. I instantly become embarrassed and yell at him to stop looking at me while simultaneously trying to cover myself with one of the kids blankets that’s laying on the couch. Yikes!

    Taara Datta Donley 11 months ago

    An “ooohhhhh” is better than an “oh God no” followed by him grabbing the blanket and throwing it on you. :)

    Nicole Slaughter 11 months ago

    LOL, now that’s funny! :)

    Jessica Holden Lauderdale 11 months ago

    That so sounds like something I would do, Nicole!

Jennifer Lovinger 11 months ago

Can’t… Stop… Laughing!!! Thank you for my good belly laugh of the day.

Becky Bateman Joyce 11 months ago

I stopped reading when they referred to a miscarriage as a procedure that would take X number of minutes.

    Angie Marie 11 months ago

    Where did it say that? Or do you mean Cosmo?

    Becky Bateman Joyce 11 months ago


Leigh Marie 11 months ago


Ban Haidar-Peters 11 months ago

:) cute!

Chris Primmer 11 months ago

Love this!!

Kristi Brashier 11 months ago

I just want the strawberry cake recipe.

Erin Matt 11 months ago

LOL big respect to women who can pull this stuff off with a straight face but I am definitely not one of them!

    Teresa Howick Wilson 11 months ago

    Yes! I feel like I’d be laughing the whole time

    Yuliya Geno Romanov 11 months ago

    Hehe me too

Shonda Moon 11 months ago

I would like the recipe for that strawberry cake! Then my man can make it for me!

Chrissy Auer 11 months ago

Amen! I hate that magazine now

Heather 1 year ago

I just have to say thank you so much for this blog!!! It always seems to have the perfect article for me for whatever crazy mood I may be in that day! I’ve got a 6 month old and a 2 1/2 yr old and can use a good laugh and reality check now and then. Thanks again :)

Vivid Rife 1 year ago

Omg I can’t stop laughing

Kassandra 1 year ago

Way too funny! I almost feel weird laughing out loud all alone

Christine Arfsten 1 year ago

Spider bite lol

Jessica 1 year ago

#4 – Or your husband tells you to get off your hurting his legs. Ahh…ain’t love grand…

Jessica Frank 1 year ago

Sounds just like my house

Kath Masch 1 year ago

This is hilarious, loved it and shared!


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