Kelly Steele
Latest posts by Kelly Steele (see all)
- A Letter to my Pregnant, Child-Less Self… - October 25, 2012
Dear Judgey McKnows-It-All,
Right now, your due date is approaching, and you’re hyper focusing on a lot of insignificant stuff. I wish you knew that none of what you are worrying about matters. What you need to do is go to bed now and sleep until the baby comes. It could be your last chance to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours for the rest of your life.
What’s that you say? You’re not sleeping well because the pregnancy is making you so uncomfortable? Think again my friend. Soon you will be lying awake at 3 am in a pool of baby vomit, but you won’t want to move a muscle for fear of waking your precious little bundle of “sleeps when held.”
While we are on the topic of useless shit (pun intended) that you are obsessing over, it seems as though you are sitting around wondering if you’ll poop on the table during delivery. Guess what? When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you faster than a teenage boy gets off on the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Oh, and that book you’re reading on natural birth? Quit wasting your time with it and pick up a copy of What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby? because once you’re actually in labor, you’ll tap out at three centimeters and beg for curbside epidural service as you pull into the hospital. Besides, the delivery is only one day, and the baby will be here for a l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e. Your time would be better spent learning something about child rearing rather than practicing breathing techniques that will do nothing for the pain, although, they might come in handy for your first bowel movement post childbirth.
On another note, you seem to have a lot of opinions on parenting right now, but you will quickly realize that you have no idea what you’re doing which reminds me that I should warn you about the bitch that Karma is. For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts. So, keep judging your friend who leaves her kids at daycare an extra hour so she can shop or cook by herself. In just a few short months, you will find yourself wishing daycare was open on weekends too. And the woman you saw at the grocery store in the frozen foods aisle whose nipples were pointing in different directions? Nice job criticizing her to your husband. Karma is about to replace your tots with 2 National Geographic style tube socks each holding a teeny, tiny ping-pong ball.
So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.
After the baby is born, between caring for him, your new found realization of what a dipshit your husband can be, and your post partum hormones, you will be so overwhelmed that you’ll start popping birth control like skittles just to make sure you don’t have a second child. Then, one night over a box of Franzia’s finest, you’ll find yourself just loopy enough to do it again.
There is only one thing that will get you through the stretch marks, the puke stains, and the depression over your saggy post birth vagina – the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists.
So hold onto your mom jeans and try not to wet your pants while you still have some level of bladder control – this ride is just beginning. Stop being a judgmental bitch and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need them once you realize that you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing…
Love, Me
{ 510 comments… read them below or add one }
omg!!! I almost died laughing! So very true! I have sat and watched while people made all these judgements on me while I was preggo- with all 3 of my wonderful… oh hell who am I kidding, all of my hellions. I sat back and laughed at my sister when she became pregnant, crying and moaning about how awful pregnancy was. All I said was “Just wait, you think it’s bad now..” The other day he go ahold of the flour… all over her kitchen, living room, and hallway… She sent me a picture, he was making snow angels in it, covered from head to toe. I still cant stop laughing.. paybacks a bitch!
hahaha! now that I have kids and have seen the light, I try SO hard not to judge older kids behavior because I now know that I’m just not at that stage yet!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time….So true about the dentist….I look forward to the gas
Last winter my son went through a stage where everytime I turned around he was dumping something new on the floor. From what I remember we did cooking oil twice, nutmeg, and powder sugar. There may have been more. With the powder sugar I had left him for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom. He was watching T.V. and eating a cookie. He looked very content. I thought he would be fine. I came back and he had dumped one full bag of powder sugar on the floor and just started cutting open the second bag with a pair of scissors. He was only 2 1/2. Oh yeah, our vacuum cleaner bag was full and we didn’t have more.
oh man! I suppose you’re lucky that’s all that happened, and I’m lucky too because my 2 year old likes to do dangerous things when I go to put the baby down for a nap. I have needed the TV many times, but it doesn’t always work….
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
I don’t like to use the T.V., but sometimes it is needed. This particular time he seemed so entranced I thought I had nothing to worry about. It was like he was waiting for me to leave the room. I was very happy he didn’t hurt himself. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to start dragging him to the bathroom with me everytime.
I know what you mean! BTW – I’ve suddenly come down with something today and am finding myself wishing tv was acceptable or effective for a 4 month old…… lol
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
My first decided to skip his nap (the one day in 5 years he decided he could do without it and not resort to spin his head 360 degrees while plotting the destruction of all mankind) one winter day. But rather than making noise like most, he just laid quietly for an hour, leading me to think it was safe to take a nap since his baby sister had kept me up all night teething. “Oh, I have a monitor, and they’re both sleeping…”
Yeah, I woke up to a knocking on the door by a neighbor from our apartment who found my 2 1/2 year old out playing in the snow by himself — he had gotten up, gotten dressed in his snow stuff, unlocked the back door, and slipped outside… 10 ft from our busy parking lot.
That was 7 years ago, and I don’t think I’ve actually SLEPT since.
OH, my GOODNESS – so scary! My 2.5 year old also escaped once when I just had baby #2. He let himself out, but luckily I found him within 2 minutes of going out because I knew the house was too quiet… my heart has never dropped so far!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
My stepson slipped out of the house during the opening ceremony for Football season when he was 2. He was playing on his toy piano. I went to put some spaghetti noodles in the pot, turned around, and he was gone. I barely had time to say “Where’s Joseph?” when the doorbell rang. Our neighbors from across the street were there, holding Joseph. He had made it through the “baby-safe” door to the garage, the big garage door had been left open, and he bolted straight into the street. Fortunately, our neighbors were out front. They saw him, and they also saw the truck that was barreling around the corner, and one of our neighbors jumped out in the street and stopped him inches before Joseph was hit. That happened in way less time than it took me to write it all out here. They are desiged to try an kill themselves, and our sole purpose until they are about 6 or 7 is to keep them alive!!
Six or seven!?!?
I have a just 14 and a just 13 year old boy. These kids must get stupider as they get older. (Not to be mean, but…common sense has left our house and we are looking for sanity on a highway to he double hockey sticks.) they have intelligence so their standardized tests and grades say. But, seriously, who jumps off the roof???
Lol
Do they get their smarts all back at once when they hit adult? Or do they have them hidden under their beds or something?
Common sense leaves boys at puberty, as my mother so gleefully explained to me when I called in exasperation over my own son. He is now 24 and, on my mother`s schedule, is returning to normal brain function. Good luck!
It’s actually been proven that the portion of the brain that is “common sense” not only STOPS developing at the onset of puberty, but actually regresses.
Yes, their common sense returns in their 20′s. I will never forget the first time my son said “mom, you were right”. It was one week after his son was born. ha ha ha
My best friend is a 48 yr old man and he keeps telling me that it doesn’t ever end…they just stop letting Mom find out about the crazy things they do…
Actually, teens and preteens go through a process called synaptic pruning; the effects make it seem like they have lost common sense but it is a natural part of the developing brain.
This looks like a good paper about it : http://ai.stanford.edu/~gal/Papers/chechik_delsyn.pdf
I have three boys under the age of 9, and I can say from LOTS of experience that boys are stupid. They may learn how to read, even becomes doctors, theologians, etc, but they are still just plain old stupid. They will do ANYTHING, things that my estrogen-soaked brain could never conceive on its own. I am constantly dumbfounded by their terrible judgment, and men keep telling me they never really get over their stupidity. They just change focus (slightly) from being stupid about their physical safety and the safety of others to being stupid about girls. I don’t know how boys survive childhood. It is simply and truly amazing to me that none of my children have died yet. A friend tells me that it’s good that boys are stupid because we need men to be able to storm castles, beaches, and other dangerous places. They need to be able to face danger and act anyway. I just wish that they would realize that storming the poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.
“poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.”
OMG, OMG… You are sooooo right!! Hahaha
Most of them get their smarts (AKA common sense) back by the time they are 30, or have their 2nd kid. I know you feel like they don’t hear a word you say, and they don’t, but somehow their pea sized brains absorb your words and come back at the strangest times. Take comfort in the fact that they will one day shock the #$%^ out of themselves. They will open their mouths, intending to say the words in their heads, but what comes out will be YOUR WORDS!!! My kids are now 32, 30 & 25. We also adopted out grandaughter, who is now 10. We have been her parents since she was 4. About that one child who didn’t quite get all the smarts back, there is hope. I used to tell my friends that 2 out of 3 wasn’t bad, but my odds got better since we have the 10 yr old. Now it’s 3 out of 4, and #4 is getting better. You will survive this.
When my son was in high school one of the administrators commented to me once that “we should leave them alone to sleep from 14 -17 and then start to educate them when they wake up!” I am now the mother of a 19 year old delight so yes, they improve!
My son’s 5th grade teacher (in a gifted and talented program) told me that she dreaded spring every year because these wonderfully intelligent boys would, without fail, lose every bit of common sense roughly around the time they turned 11. He will be 14 this spring and I’m still waiting for the brain cells to creep back in through his ears, which is how I imagine they slipped out to begin with.
OMG! Teen brain is the worst! My daughter had the most severe case known to mankind. I think it is designed this way so we aren’t sad to see them leave after high school!
I have to agree that they are made to harm themselves. I think i read or heard somewhere that the first five years you are just trying to keep them alive… i have one more year to go before my youngest is 5.
jessie recently posted..Got off my Arse
Oh, man! I have a friend who says that staying at home with babies and toddlers is really just being on suicide watch. Kiddos just have no idea!
My son escaped when he was about 2. It was very early am and I wasn’t awake yet and didnt realize he was either. He had on his cowboy boots, cowboy hat, gun belt and NOTHING else. When i startled awake because the house felt open, I found him a block down and across the street riding his tricycle. He is grown (21) now and it’s a funny story i tell, but it scared the crap out of me, and I had to install deadbolts that locked up into the top of all the door frames because he became a professional escape artist. I’m surprised he is alive today!
When my son was 3 i was hosting my very first family get together for my fiances family, it was fathers day. We had about 6 people show up and i was busying myself in the kitchen preparing dinner. Levi my son was on the back porch playing with another one of the kids where i could see him through my kitchen window, that and my mother in law was on the back porch as well. I ASSUMED all was well but when i noticed i didnt hear him anymore i instantly panicked. We lived on a golf course at the time that had railroad tracks only two driveways down so the whole area was connected by the course that was right off our back yard. My son just so happened to be OBSESSED with trains. I bolted for them knowing thats where he was and when i got to him some lady had stopped her car cuz she saw him and had him in her arms. He wondered right out of my back yard and when this woman drove by she said she saw him running down the track.He literally took off and was gone in a couple minutes time. I was so sick with the thought of what if a train had come we began house searching to move the very next day. We now own a home with a fully fenced yard and not a railroad track for miles.
I came home from the store we lived in a cul de sack to find my 2yr old in a pair of panties and some plastic high heels and a purse walking down the street without a care in the world. I got her in the car drove home to find my husband and 3 yr old son sound asleep,she had pulled a chair over and unlocked the deadbolt and went for a stroll….
When my son was 2 1/2 we were in the middle of a ND winter with 6ft of snow on the ground. I thought it was safe to take a shower. As I was wrapping the towel around my body I hear the front door close. Well I knew it wasn’t his daddy home from work. I never got dry and dressed so fast in my life!!!!!! His idea of being ready to play in 6ft of snow when the temp read -16 was his diaper and snow boots!
OMG! At least mine put on his boots and coat first.
At least you only had one that slipped out……I had twin 3 year olds that decided to get up in the middle of the night and go visit with the neighbours! That is when the eyehook was put on the inside of the screen door! They were affectionately known as the twins from hell! lol
You are brave to share that one! And very much appreciated!
Baby years are the easy part, i now live with two teenagers. Now i am at the part where i am treated like an A.T.M. banking machine, i see rolled eyes to heaven every time i give an opinion, my fridge is always empty two days after doing a big food shop, i only get to see the back of their heads while they look into the fridge. They enter the house now, not with Hello, their first comment is usually “i m starving”. To get them to study is a nightmare, and i find myself saying things like “when i was your age” you start to feel old when you relize you do not know any of todays music, and when their friends look at you like your an ol one. The baby years, i d have them back in the blink of an eye. GOD help you all when they turn into teens. Good luck.
Jamie and Shannon, you just made me tear up from laughing so hard. My twins are 6 mths old and I am terrified of what is to come. One just started crawling tonight in fact…time to batten down the hatches!
Also, Shannon, one thing to be happy about: at least he got all his snowstuff on and didn’t go outside with his pj’s on :)
When my son was 6 or 7 I had Glandular Fever except we didn’t know it and the fact I had trouble waking up every morning seemed to me to just be excessive tiredness. Well, my boy would rise around 5am and always wanted to eat fairly soon after that. This particular morning there wasn’t any milk and he kept coming to wake me up and ask me to go and get some. I simply couldn’t wake up so he helped himself to some money and walked to the local shop which was a good 20-30 min walk away, bought the milk and walked home again! I woke up before he arrived home and had just started to panic when he arrived home! He is now an adult and still as stubborn and independent! It’s one of those classic childhood stories now but oh my goodness.
That’s terrifying! Did you just want to leash him after that?!? :D
That is hilarious, since mine (2 and 5) still go to the bathroom with me each time, mostly while fighting with each other up the stairs. I suppose that it is good that I have already explained what a period is, why they get it, when they will get it, and to enjoy life now without it. I get no privacy. If I ever do go by myself, the minute I sit down, the younger one starts screaming bloody murder while my older one shushes her. Two is plenty enough for me!
My son is three and knows what a period is. Because I had little to no bathroom breaks in those three years. Comes in handy though, I have a tampon-giver if I forget to bring one from under the sink to the toilet HA.
My youngest (at 2 years old) loudly proclaimed to all Target shoppers where in the body tampons went after she saw me put a box in the cart.
Omg, you are explaining my son! My worst was a brand new bottle of Vegetable oil then a bag of flour dumped on top……on my 2 month old hard wood floors. He pushed a chair over to the pantry while I was caring for his younger sister. My only reaction at that point was to cry for he had already dumped everything else he could put his hands on for the day. I no longer stop any of my kids from transferring their drinks from one cup to the other needless to say……
Yuck, oil and flour had to be awful to clean up. I’ve come close to crying too. It seems like the messes were always right when we were suppose to be heading to bed when I was completely exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was clean them up.
Just as horrifying…A Halloween that I was gawd-awful sick and still took my (then) 3 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old sons out with my husband and I to a friend’s wedding (the boys were the “ring-ghouls”) we left asap and my husband took the older boy and put him to bed and then started playing video games leaving me and younger one sleeping in the chair…I woke up to little hands on my knees and open my eyes to find that he had found the BLACK, GREASE lipstick in my coat pocket and had proceeded to color all over himself and the brand new beige Berber carpeting…
Reminds me of the time my wife’s $300 Mary Kay order came. She put the box in our room. Normally it goes up on the top shelf, but I wasn’t home, so she put it in our room, so I could take care of it when I got home. She put the kids down for a nap in their room, and then started doing housework. At some point they snuck from their room to our room and found the box. When my wife went into the room to clean it, she found 2 kids covered in makeup, along with the floor, the walls, the bed, the night stands, the clothes hamper, the clothes in the hamper. We are talking lipsticks, eye liners, fine powders, lotions, every container in the $300 order was empty and spread around the room.
I had a routine. I got my son up, fed him, put him in the playpen so I could get dressed for work. Then I would change him, dress him and leave for day care. I put him in the play pen. I got dressed for work. I came back to find that he had smeared poop over every square inch he could reach – inside and outside of the playpen and himself from head to toe. Did I mention that it was one of the mesh sided play pens?
I cried. I called into work. I changed him. I put the playpen in the shower because I couldn’t afford to buy another one and because I was afraid that the garbage men would not take it away if I tried to throw it away….
This is kind of like a game show. I think I can top yours, lol.
My son was a nightmare, but to look at him, big eyes long curly hair, he was beautiful. But to live with him was another story. My favorite was when he was 2 yrs old he dumped a large box of Tide and proceeded to open Coke cans and pour the Coke on the Tide, luckily it was in the basement by the drain near the washer, but it still hours to get rid of the sticky hideous looking foam. We had to move everything higher than 5 ft. in a room or else he would try to take it apart. Our cushions were never on the furniture because he thought it was fun to push them off with his head and then leave to create havoc somewhere else. When he was quiet we knew there was going to be a problem. Or if if you heard a “uh oooh” you’d better run. He constantly threw his socks, bottles and other objects in the trash, yes he figured out how to open a child-proof lock. And my family could never figure out why we were always late to family functions. Until they had to watch him for a week, all they did was apoligize for being so bitchy about us being late.
can i ask what your 2 1/2 was doing with access to scissors?? I may not be mum of the year but i make sure that stuff that can cause my child harm (ie scissors, knives, razorblades etc…) are completely out of reach.
That is exactly what I was thinking too!
You just jinxed yourself with the “scissors” comment. Don’t be the parent who says “I ALWAYS keep the scissors, (knives, medicine, dog treats, razorblades, etc..) out of reach. Children have an amazing uncanny ability to climb, scale, gather stools, pots, whatever to get to what you think is in a SAFE place!!! Just wait. When my son was 3ish he got the scissors from on top of the refridgerator (???) and cut the cord to a plugged in fan and melted the scissor blades..I found them in the floor later that evening and about had a heart attack. He was fine and I guess the rubber handles saved him from being electrocuted! Just wait,,something metal will meet something electric by the time they are 10!!!
I have to agree Rigina :) I was a great Mom (even in my own mind LOL!)…but both my kids cut their (or some other childs) hair and visa versa! or cut something else they weren’t supposed to! I kept my scissors on top of the refridgerator. Seems to me, everything I’ve ever tried to keep something away from my children, it always seem to find them somehow. Thats why our jobs are to keep the children safe…because they ALWAYS found unsafe things to do or play with.
Both of my kids made it to adulthood…but I have no idea how they did it! WOW! It’s a miracle! LOL!
Don’t judge about the scissors! My little guy could probably figure out how to make his own pair of scissors out of a bobby pin and a piece of lint! I hope these skills serve him well in the future, if he lives that long.
Are you not letting your child learn to cut with scissors? I think you are crazy to NOT be giving your child scissors. Their preschool teacher would be happy if they had more children start school with scissor skills. See, the mommy judgement works both ways… Most parents have a story about one of their children cutting their hair, or their siblings hair. It’s normal.
My step daughter and my son are 6 months apart. I figured they were playing upstairs in one of their rooms when they were about 3 while I was folding laundry until I heard NOTHING. So I go upstairs and find them in the bathroom covered in Vaseline. They were covered and the bathroom was covered. I mean – vanity, shower door, window, doorknob, EVERYTHING! Nothing like cleaning up Vaseline. I haven’t had it in my house since.
I am 4 1/2 months pregnant and eternally grateful I found you! Not only are you of the wiser, you’re frickn’ hysterical. I haven’t belly laughed this hard in a long time, not just at this post, but pretty much ALL of them-
Keep it coming!
Amanda
Ah, I went to the toilet for like three minutes. It was one of those emergency, “I gotta go NOW” situations. My kids were 2 and 3. I came back and into the kitchen. I had wondered why they didn’t follow me…and they were so…quiet…
Peanut butter from counter to counter, floor to ceiling.
My then 3 year old saw my face and said “Uh oh…Mommy’s going to kick a butt.”
A perceptive child, even then.
I finally just had 2.5 seconds to myself so I read this outloud to Jon and I was crying from laughing so hard! Hilarious!!!
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I love it. That was hilarious and one of the funniest things I have read in such a long time!!!!
My sisters are both pregnant with their first right now, my older sisters favorite thing to say when you ask her to do ANYTHING is to say she is busy…growing a baby. I *might* have told her to learn how to fucking multitask because this is the easiest pregnancy she will ever have.
LOL, Kristin!! That is so true!! I’m 9 mos pregnant with my second and didn’t realize how spoiled I was with my first! It’s not a handicap!
Jules, did anyone warn you that 2 is exactly double what one is? I thought, oh one more, how hard can it be? It. is. exactly. double. the. work. Ha. Consider yourself informed. And good luck with baby #2 – it is twice the smiles, also.
P.S. Kristen: I can’t wait for my sister to have a baby if she ever falls into that trap. I will sit in the corner and sip my wine and try not to laugh out loud. I may burst into flames just thinking about that.
When I was pregnant with my first, my (male) friend said, “You’re not a parent until you have two. And two is not just double the work, it is exponential.” I don’t know much about exponents, but he was right!
The ONE thing I say when people tell me they’re pregnant–side note, when men say “WE’RE pregnant!” harf harf– is that I will never ever give them parenting advice unless they explicitly ask me. I tell them, this is YOUR baby, growing inside YOU. You already know more about this child (especially their sleep habits) than I will ever know. Go with your instinct, and tell all those so-called helpful friends that you will take their sage wisdom “under advisement”. I also mention that yes, their vagina will tighten up and it won’t be like feeding a tic tac to a whale when you’re getting busy. Because, you know, that fucking terrified me, and no one said anything.
You should try having 6!!!
Tears streaming down face from laughing – WHAT a great site. Got to yours and am smiling ear to ear, and nodding KNOWINGLY!! LOL
Oh YES. I feel a lot of guilt over the Judgy McJudgerson I once was towards other moms. Thought I was All That when my 8-month old was perfect and gave advice to everyone freely about ‘how kids are’ and how to parent. I hang my head in shame. Getting my kids out the door at all is a feat — and yes, they probably have food on their faces, mismatches clothes, missing items. I try not to judge any mom now (except maybe Octomom because, I mean, REALLY).
Sarah recently posted..How to Pee in a Cup
haha, we all do it! It burns me now when my friends who havent hit certain stages yet judge my frustration at those times…
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Kelly!! So excited to see your writing in the SM Society!!!!! Great post, loved it! :)
Had I only known…
I would have been savoring those last few days instead of speed-waddling around the mall, stuffying my bloated face with spicy food, and (gah!) trying to have sex when I posess the agility of a manatee on Xanax, in an attempt to induce labor. I mean, good god, we went to a MOVIE in a THEATER the day before my due date! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to a movie? Seriously, do you? Because I can’t remember.
Jeni Kramer recently posted..To All the Ones I’ve Mocked Before…
Omg I’m dying here laughing cause I did the same thing
I took castor oil to try and induce labor! I wasted some of my last days of freedom with horrible castor oil induced diarrhea which did nothing to induce labor anyway. Lol.
hahahahaha at Kari
I went baahaaing….LOL!
The dentist part is so true! I find it so relaxing now. Although, I was never warned about increased likelihood of cavities when pregnant…as if things aren’t rough enough!
Kate@ zMOMbie.com recently posted..Fall Fun Festival at Gaver Farm in Mt. Airy, MD
Ha, I remember thinking the same about my visits to the dentist when my son was tiny and my daughter was 2 – so funny to think of it as quality Me time!!
Laughing my ass off – so thanks for that! I tried hard not to be a judgmental non-mom, but I can remember being irritated when I’d call my sister and my nephews would be hollering in the background, or asking her for something and I’d be all “shut those chickens up!!”. Karma is a bitch – I still can’t have a phone conversation without interruption and my kids are teenagers!! Well done.
My son and daughter are grown now, each with a son and a daughter themselves. God Bless them and their spouses, I still remember how hard it was to have two kids 20 months apart. I remember the phone thing especially b/c it seemed like when I was on the phone it was *the only time* they desperately wanted to speak to me. “Mom, mom, mom, MOM, mom, MOM, MMMOOOMMM!”
I swear to God, I would go back and bitch slap the old me who ever thought I could judge a mom. I used to tell my mommy friends condescending things like
- “hey, make sure you workout! It will make you feel better! Oh, you don’t have time? Well wake up at 5 AM – before the kids do!”
When i saw kids acting up, I would just look at my husband and smile, knowing how lucky we would be with the angels we brought into the world. That we would just BE better parents.
And then my daughter came. Who I might as well have named Damien. And then my son came. And I should have just kept it easy and named his Damien 2.
Love this post!
Kiran@Masalachica.com recently posted..Normal
Oh, see I stick to the “make sure you work out.” thing. BECAUSE THE GYM HAS CHILDCARE FOR WHILE YOU SHOWER!!! I don’t have to wash my hair at 2 am, and I get time to condition it, too!
Funny, I was just thinking about this today and wondering if I should join a gym for that reason!
YES! Find one your kids like the child care area, and you will still hate working out but LOVE the gym. Make sure you check the child care policies before you sign up, though — we had one that would page us to come do diaper changes because they weren’t allowed to. Doesn’t sound like a big deal until you have two in diapers and you’re getting pulled out of a pool to run out and change your baby!
Geez, that’s annoying about the diapers! good tip though :-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Yes!! Seriously, that’s what my Y membership is for. I get to shower (for an hour) and then I take a nap on their couch (for another hour). It’s seriously worth every dime.
Where is this heaven? I mean, gym.
Search for gyms in your area and start calling around. The bigger the gym, the more likely they have childcare and that they take infants. The YMCA often does:)
I have gone and worked out for 30 minutes and then spent 90 in the locker room so I could shower, blow dry my hair smooth, do my make-up…
An uninterupted shower is the best part of the gym! I have been known to stay as long in the locker room as I did in the gym….best $40 per month one can spend :)
Pfft!!!
My first pregnancy, I was all about how names were so important and can speak to a babies personality and such metaphysical babble and I’m not saying its not true. Buuuuttt, I wanted a balanced kid so I named after a demon and an angel. Yeah, I named him Damien micheal. (Spelling changed to protect mr not so innocent.) I was 18. My advice? Name your kid John. Lol
Love this: you’re a funny writer, too, Kiran!
haha, yes, I love when people tell me that the reason I don’t work out is because I haven’t made it a priority. I’m like, yea, you’re right, it’s not a priority – I’m just trying not to let the house catch on fire!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
I laughed so hard the entire time I read this. I was the first to have a baby out of all my friends and the family members in my “age group”. I now have 4 kids. So when another parent says something to me about what I am doing or how they are acting I get frustrated. All my friends and some family are starting to catch up, finally. I have one friend who is on her very first baby, only about 14 wks into pregnancy and I swear she complains everyday. I want to bitch her out, instead I hold my tongue and just laugh, because I know she just doesnt have any idea whats to come.
I was also the first out of my friends and the youngest.. So, of course I had no clue what I was doing.. I was young and dumb according to them.. And bx they all have nieces and nephews they all just knew everything. Yeah freakin right. Now two more of them have kids and guess who gets to say I told you so!!! I SOOOOO needed this right after I spawned my demon.. I love her to pieces, but what I wouldn’t give to have a couple do-overs!!!
My sister is a “parenting” expert by degree, but doesn’t have kids yet. I’m just happy that she’s been open minded enough to realize that real life is different than life inside a research study…
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
I am 35 and had my daughter at 22, son at 26. The first of my friends to have a child was about 4 years ago and it is so funny, now that mine are older and I can actually do things again, watching them run around after their kids. 10 years ago it was always: ring ring “Hey lets go out tonight; come to the beach, meet you there in 20mins; lets get a coffee….” Only now do they understand just HOW MUCH preparation it takes to do something when you have children. I would need at least a week notice to find a babysitter and at least 2 hours to get the kids fed, sunscreened, dressed, packed for the beach etc but they just never got it. KARMA.
Holy jesus. My sister is pregnant now and…she needs to read this.
Judging others in general is just something I try reallllly hard not to do anymore. Whether it be a mom of 20 years or a first time mom to be. I don’t know what they’re dealing with and I can’t spend the time to judge. I have my own issues to deal with!
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Agreed Tracey. I have been judged a lot in my life, which has presented challenges at different times. Although it sucked at the time, it has allowed me the awareness to be more in tune when I start doing the same thing to people.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Karma is a BITCH, especially when it comes to child-rearing!! I used to be VERY irritated with people who ‘couldn’t control’ their kids. Now I have a little boy with a very frustrating case of ADHD. (As if ADHD is ever NOT frustrating.)
Okay, God. I got it. Don’t judge. Loud and clear. Thanks a ton.
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Oh yeah… my oldest has ADD and I remember wondering what people were doing wrong that their kids wouldn’t listen. Um. Yeah. Now I have to actively make sure that my kid is tuned into me or he literally does not hear me! I also remember talking about how parents needed to accept a kid’s limits and not expect more than the kid could deliver in school — “some kids are just stupid!” (Yep, I’m heinous…) — and now I have an incredibly bright child who can’t learn the way most children do, because he can’t memorize.
It will all turn out well. ADD or ADHD, give them the love and support and they will find their way. Before the label, kids grew up and found their way. My ADHD daughter is doing amazingly well at 26 years, I’m so proud of her. P.S. It wasn’t easy for me OR HER!
My kids have actually been surprisingly well-behaved, not too much drama, until their teenage years.
My friend’s teenager had been acting out and I would say to myself, “thank goodness my kids aren’t that way, if they ever talked to me that way, I’d…wait, they would never talk like that.” Haha the joke is on me, they just weren’t at that stage yet, i would take the terrible twos over this anyday.
HOLY FREAKIN CRAP KELLY!!!!! I don’t know you, but I love you. I almost peed my pants laughing! You are a flippin literary genius. I just want to be your friend after reading this.
I’m quite a hermit now that I have 2 little ones so I could use some more friends ;-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Wow! Our baby is about to be one on Sunday and I’ve been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to do the first year and didn’t realize I won’t have time to do until our beautiful, strong willed girl is away at college.
I wish I would have known how crazy it would be, but you are right, I never, EVER in my wildest dreams could imagine feeling love like this.
Our daughter has never used the nursery we so lovingly spent over a thousand dollars on, she sleeps between us.
This was perfect!
Thanks for sharing.
So perfectly written & so perfectly explained. Thank you thank you…THANK YOU for the laugh. Love it. Time to spread the word!
Wow this is so true I totally sent it to a friend of mine who is pregnant! LOL
This had me laughing out loud. I used to judge mothers whose children were acting wild in public. Not my kids! Then I gave birth to a monkey that has just escaped from the zoo. My 2 year old will stay right by me, but no, my TEN YEAR OLD is the one who needs the baby leash. Thanks for showing the REAL picture of motherhood!
I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd and was sooo close to sending this to a few friends who are first-timers. Overall, it’s hilarious, and so true – except to suggest that anyone attempting a natural childbirth should give it up without a shot. Is it for everyone? Absolutely not. Can a first-timer ever really be prepared for a natural delivery? Hell no! But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible, and that doesn’t mean that we can’t be supportive of women who want to try. Judgement goes both ways…
@Carol, I believe she was writing this specifically to herself, about her own experience. I don’t believe it was meant as advice for anyone.
Yes Andrea. Thank you. It’s funny because I was scared shitless of the epidural needle and still am, so the first time, I figured I would prepare myself for a natural birth and things went totally awry and out of my control.
The epidural didn’t take all the way, and I felt a ton of pain. Long story about my horrendous epidural experience, but the second time I knew I wouldn’t do the epidural again. It’s funny because I didn’t do any “natural” prep at all the second time and was able to do it without the epidural. Not sure if I’ll ever have a 3rd child now though…………..
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Docs strongly advised the epidural when I went into labor with my twins after I refused a c section… damn thing numbed the entirety of one side if my body and none on the other, but I had them naturally! Healthy thriving 13 yr olds now, tho at times I am surprised they made it this far lol
I tell everyone to ask for the fluid IV when they go into labor so they can get the epidural right away if they want it. You don’t have to have one, but you’re ready if you do.
Yawn. Unfortunately it didn’t take long to have a nice letter to herself spoiled by the birth police. :/
Kelly, I’m sorry you felt you had to give an excuse for your use of epidural. Judgy moms even followed here on a blog about not being judgy. Oh irony.
Yup, never fails. I call them Sacred Cow Moms, and I do judge THEM.
Wow… you guys are judging her for being judgmental… really??
I was actually thinking the exact same thing… I work in Labor and Delivery and I see plenty of moms who really need the epidural… and I see plenty of moms who don’t. I understand this was a letter to herself. BUT it really did come across as saying that nobody can do it without an epidural, just give up now. That is not a message that pregnant moms need to hear.
I always tell the moms I work with to be open to whatever works for their birth experience and that what works one time might not work the next… after seven babies of my own and working with literally thousands of births that still holds true.
So, I don’t see how it’s right to call this woman a “Sacred Cow Mom” just because she pointed out that not everyone taps out at 3 centimeters. (BTW, I know very few docs who will okay an epidural at 3 centimeters.) If the point is not judging, then why are you guys responding so harshly to a very balanced statement?
Yup I am, because this: “But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible, and that doesn’t mean that we can’t be supportive of women who want to try.”
That line was her nice “subtle” dig, attributing motive to the letter. That the intent of the letter was to do just that. Which is why she’s a sacred cow mom; she’s read a line about ONE persons PERSONAL experience and saw it as a threat to the very existence of natural births everywhere, Oh MY! And just had to get that dig in.
Oh, one more dig, nice of you to not only judge HER for having an epidural, but without any medical info on the situation, you managed to judge her entire medical team, good job.
Lol thanks Susan!
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I had my first child completely pain relief free and was so glad I did!
Thanks for saying judgement goes both ways. I am 35 and pregnant with my first child (due next month!) Not only did I have to endure the know-it-all moms who told me that I better get pregnant fast bc I’m old, I had to be judged by them every time I took a trip to Europe or spent the night out dancing. I made different choices, not better or worse, just different. It totally sucks to have most of my friends and sisters constantly preaching: “just wait until you have kids”; “you want a medal for doing natural childbirth?” and so forth. Because I’m the last to have children my experiences, in their eyes, will always be inferior, and that sucks. We all have our paths, and just because you became a mom before someone else and something worked or didn’t work for you doesn’t give you the excuse to berate those of us who haven’t been there yet. Women need to be nicer to each other and accept that we’re not, nor should we be, carbon copies of each other.
I’m right there with ya Christy! (32 having my first child)
PREACH!
This was LOL funny.. I unfortunately had a great pregnancy but bad news from twelve weeks until thrity eight weeks.. So, uncertain of having a “normal” child or one with developmental delays kept me high stress the whole time pretty much. I gave birth via c-section much to my dismay after close-mindedly only wanting everything natural and picturing the perfect six hours of labor and three pushes later.. YEAH RIGHT!!! Three and a half days of being induced, fifteen hours of labor, an epidural at five cm later.. at 11:52 pm two weeks late.. Our monster arrived into this crazy world!! Wouldn’t trade her for a second, but holy cow.. NOTHING prepares you for the first year.. We’re on month sixteen and it gets a bit easier with time, but I can’t wait to NEVER do it again!!!
I’m so jealous that you never have to do it again! My husband wants 3. We are still in negotiations…
I absolutely love this post! I’m saving it for every person I know who announces a pregnancy. It all rings true – I was nodding with every sentence. Great writing, Kelly!
I have a radical suggestion. Hear me out. It’s like Strangers on a Train but nobody dies. So here’s the thing…let’s all make a list of our friends who really really need to read this. The ones who are planning to have kids, but not yet. The same ones who talk about how we’ve changed and don’t want to go shopping for six hours on Saturdays anymore and then spend the night dancing. Those friends. And then we can all send the email addresses of these friends to one another, and everyone emails this link to someone else’s friend. Then all of our “Oh, I’ll never be THAT kind of mom” friends will get the information they need without ever needing know who really sent it. I believe this is what’s called a win-win. Needless to say, I know some people who NEED to read this.
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Except that those of us who are childless don’t all think that way. We enjoy our childless lives for what they are knowing that if we want kids, they’ll change. I just got married and am going to start trying soon and believe me, I’m going to enjoy the freedom while I can before my life changes exponentially.
Jules, TRAVEL!!
Go drink fancy stuff somewhere- Traveling with kids is likely to make you want to jump off something really high onto something really solid…
Took my 1 and 3 year olds to San Fran and Salt Lake last year- they still hate me and I didnt get to do what a non-mom could.. just go..
So true…I am an L&D Nurse on the weekends and a SAHM during the week. I have given many a patient the very same “pep talk.”
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Hahaha! So true. I think the last time I thought I knew anything about parenting was definitely while I was pregnant!
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Amazing. I remember spending most of my first pregnancy making sure every onesie was founded just so and yelling at my husband for goodness knows what because he wasn’t ready for the baby. Well shit, neither one of us was. And all that effort I put into my three page typed birth plan was laughable at best. Thanks for sharing.
Lol, I look back at how I had to have everything a certain way when #1 arrived, and here I am with an almost 5 month old baby #2 who still doesn’t have a room yet – so different!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
O I completely agree with you Kelly! With my first, I had to have the complete crib set, with the pajamas that matched the sheets and a hat that matched every outfit. Everything just had to be absolutely perfect! There are also well over 5 dozen pictures of our stay in the hospital (4 dozen still undevelped). Skip now to our 4th child who sleeps in her packing play because we just haven’t gotten a crib yet, has hand -me – downs from her 2 older sisters (well that is even if we got out, otherwise…. diapers anyone!?) and we only have a few pictures of her on our phone… It tooks me less than 3 weeks to get realistic that not only could our son (our first) even SEE how amazing his name brand clothing was, and his picture perfect nursery… that even if he could, he wouldn’t give a crap judging by the spit-up stained clothing and blow-outs on his sheets. Take a lesson new expectant mothers (although though it is fun preparing and getting things ready I admit) save your money! My son’s bedding was $400!!!!!! While I had a $20 comforter from walmart which I still use, and my son stopped using his bedding when he was 4… got $35 for it at a garage sale…. O… and don’t get me started on buying super nice couches or dishes… *sigh… I had nice things once…..
Holy shit, LMAO, AMEN!
Hilarious! You nailed it. Every women needs to read this before having their first kid. HA!
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I find all this hilarious. I have two beautiful children and 3 step children. When I met my hunny I only had my son and he was 7. My hunny had 3 girls, 10, 6, and 3. We had another baby last year and had lots of complications during my pregnancy and I have even more after I had her but I look at my hunnys ex and she doesn’t compare to me. I am a supermom and I pride myself that way. I don’t work so I stay home with the kids but I can get everyone bathed and in matching clothes, out the door and still have a clean house. It’s not that hard and I can do it with 5 kids. I have my issues and everyone who knows me says they give me credit bc I do it all. My hunny is appreciative of everything I do which makes it easier to do. And I barely ask him for help with anything unless I can’t physically move. So being a parent is not that hard. It all depends on ur priorities. And mine are the kids come first and I come last. But my hunny always knows when to tel me to take a break. Everyone needs it sometimes. I do judge other moms especially when their kids are old enough to know better but that’s bc I pride myself in being a mom.
I tend to discount the opinion of someone who only refers to her husband as “hunny.”
That’s because we aren’t married yet. We are in the process of saving for that but money’s tight. Yet another thing I’ve sacraficed for our kids. We give them what they need. When the times right and we have the money we will get married but until then it’s just a piece of paper. Our focus is on our kids first. I find it even more funny that out of all I said that is what you take outta my post. If you have kids you have to be committed to take care of them no matter what and teach them instead of having them run a muck. I am in the process now of teaching my daughter words, sounds, letters, etc and she’s a sponge. The more you focus on them the better and easier it will be. You can’t let your child run your life. You are the parent.
Ok then, let me be more clear. I found your original comment to be rude, judgmental and, frankly, a little dumb. I’m sure you’ll disregard this comment though, and continue giving yoursel the Mommy of the Year Award.
Mel – I’m not in the business of trying to change opinionated people’s minds, but I saw this article and thought it was appropriate to pass along. When I see a child “out of control,” I don’t know who to feel more sorry for the parent or the child because neither are in a good place in that moment. As this article points out, we also don’t know what is going on behind the scenes…
http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/10/24/be-careful-when-judging/
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
I follow a blog of a mom who has autistic kids- and this is so true. There are tons of things that can cause a meltdown or tantrum in a kid. You never truly know why unless that child is yours. I don’t even have a child yet, and I can show parents that courtesy.
I wonder if you’re referring to Jeni Decker. She’s amazing! This blog really reminds me of her candor and blatant reality. Love it! As for Super-mom…congratulations on being better than everyone else…or at least your hunny’s ex. *eye roll*
You hit the nail on the head LBen. …..And you too Kelli. Altho’ we’ve gotten into other subject matter here The bottom line in this whole message(blog/responses), is that you have no idea what is going on in one’s life. There are so many extenuating(sp?) circumstances at ANY given moment in an individual’s lifetime, any one ‘thing’, or experience can have SOME sort of impact on shaping a child’s behavior.(or a pregnant woman too for that matter) so kelli– I am caught up in skimming over this ‘happened-upon’ blog and I need to say–it is the fucking funniest shit I have read in awhile! I love a laugh out loud kinda read and this did it for me! I am an L/D nurse and work triage–and do you know how bad I want to make a copy to hang in each of our triage rooms! Even tho’ my first pregnancy to current parenting situtation(3 girls age 11, 10, 5) match almost nothing of how you felt/feel/describe—it remains some of the funniest shit (and truthful for many)! a good read! It’s F-ing hilarious people! and maybe alot of it has to do with my job and what I get to experience with SO MANY different women, that I can see how this story probably duplicates itself 1000 times over!!! Thanks Kelli for the laugh! Jesus!
Thanks Lei!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..A Typical Mealtime with Kids
You have FIVE CHILDREN between the two of you and you’re saving money to get married? A marriage license is not that expensive, and I’m sorry. . .but if you’re saving for a big wedding with that many kids, it’s tacky as all hell.
I’m glad that you can “Do it all” and that you’re so much better than your “hunny’s” ex – but wow, you sound like a judgmental witch.
Hear hear! My fiance (because that’s what grown women call the man they are engaged to be married to) and we also have 5 kids between us. Although we plan to get married eventually we couldn’t give less of a crap about how much the wedding will cost, other than it being as cheap as possible. We don’t even really see the need for a wedding, since we already own a house and kids together. He’s been married before, and I haven’t, so while I would like *something*, I don’t care about being a GD princess for a day anymore (I’m also pushing 40, and I think a middle-aged woman in a princess gown pretending to be fancy for 3 hours is a bit much anyway). What matters is our relationship, our commitment to each other and to the kids.
And I’m sorry, but if you stay home with your kids all day, then STFU and stop judging other moms who may NOT have it as together as you do. I’m lucky because I can do my job from home, and my kids are either grown up and out of the house, or they’re in school all day. But guess what? Sometimes laundry isn’t done, I don’t always have supper cooked because I’m working on a deadline, and sometimes my kid goes to school with a dirty face. Honey, if you had a job outside the house and had to get those kids ready AND get yourself ready for an office job and looking professional, on a tight schedule, you wouldn’t be so smug about being a “supermom”, trust us.
Ugh. Grammar/spelling mistakes and it won’t let me go back and edit. I’m not an idiot, I swear! LOL
Thank you N.S.S.M..
I divulge-
I am a single mom of little dude age 2 and little chick age 3. Im single because my ‘hunny’ (I just puked a little in my mouth) wouldnt put his weed and video games down and commit to me and my kids.
I work 40+ hours a week and make enough to support us without their dad’s help. I have done everything for my little hooligans and will continue to do so while never striving for perfection.Sometimes, I forget to pack someones shoes when they go to daycare. The other day, I left little dude’s coat at home. I still love them enough to show them that I am strong enough to handle all their needs and mine- alone and happy.
When I started living with a little bit of grace toward myself, I learned that we can be so much happier because we have the life we create.
Good fricking luck with your ‘hunny’ and your fancy wedding. I hope all your dreams come true. Maybe you should read and see, my friend, that Karma is indeed The bitchiest of all bitches.
I find it astounding that YOU have 2 beautiful children… and 3 step- children… So, your kids are superior, and hunny’s kids are ugly?
I LOVE you.
I’m thinking troll. I’m also thinking, STFU.
And you’re able to find time to share your amazing wonderfulness, with all of the less fortunate moms, whose hunnies AREN’T as fabulously terrific!! You’re my new HEROine.
My reply appeared in the wrong place, inexplicably. SO….
“MEL” – to reiterate -WOW! AND you find time to share your amazing wonderfulness with all the less fortunate moms whose HUNNIES aren’t so fabulously terrific! You’re my new HEROine!!!
This made me laugh out loud! You have no idea about what you don’t know until you have a child. Only then do you realize you no absolutely nothing and just do the best you can everyday to raise a happy, healthy person whose love you can’t imagine not having in your life!!
Okay so this kind of makes me terrified to have children. Sounds like my body will be a wasteland. Yikes!
Don’t forget about the part that gets you through it all – the love that you really can’t even fathom until you have it. It’s crazy… and amazing and totally worth it!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Babies & Hairpulling: May the Force be With You
Kelly- Youre amazing..
It’s so true though. Its like the most fucked up beautiful blessing EVER.
Give it a shot and don’t say we didn’t warn you…
Fantastic post! Really funny and accurate. I remember looking back fondly at the 2 nights in the hospital when the nurses took the baby (2nd child) and took care of her while I slept or read magazines. It was like a hotel compared to home later. So many things I thought I’d never do I ended up doing/eating my words. My poor third child would be better off raised by gypsies she’s so neglected.
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yeah, in the hospital after the birth of my second child, all I really had on my mind was that sitz bath and would it be okay if I just sat there all day and night.
My 2nd is 4 weeks old, and we rented 2 movies from Redbox to watch on our 2nd night in the hospital. Damn DVD player broke and maintenance came to fix it. I felt a *teeny* bit embarrassed that here we were with a brand new baby…but seriously, we really wanted to watch Argo and the 3-year-old is such a PIA at the moment, we figured what the hell.
If you end up having a c-section you will be praying for poop for weeks!
I am dying laughing here. This is all so true. I look forward to my Monday dentist appointment because I think I might be able to doze off a little and get some rest. I wish I was kidding.
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I remember with my first one thinking how awesome we were going to be and how helpful my husband was going to be because he came from SUCH a large family (there were 9) and how we had SOOOOOO many neices and nephews and he’d been changing diapers since he was 15. *Hangs head in shame* After about 3 weeks of getting up with the baby at night by myself and having no help from him after 10pm, I left. I took the baby and went to my parents house so that I could get some sleep. After one night he came up with the every other night rule where we each got one full night’s sleep.
Anyone who says “sleep when baby sleeps” clearly doesn’t understand the concept of “There are no clean clothes for ANY of us anymore” and “I can have a shower!!!!”
After baby number 2 came 20 months later, I was exhausted. But i wouldn’t trade the love i have for them for anything in the world. Even when they team up and act like tornados and hurricanes running through my house, climbing the entertainment centre and jumping off of things onto other things.
Baby number 3 is on the way and I am sitting here going “What the hell was I thinking? Oh that’s right NOTHING!!!” I try not to judge but it’s not always easy with ungrateful kids. That is my downfall. I was raised to say please and thank you and it irks me the kids that I know that just grab things from you and don’t say it knowing their parents were raised the same way and there is nothing wrong with them to not say it.
I am still learning as you can see lol
Good luck with #3!! I am still wondering “when” the baby will sleep so I can too…..
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women…
Good one.
That is stinking hilarious. I have 4 “precious” children, 2 girls (18 and 15) and 2 boys ( 13 and10) and as you can see am completely delusional. Wine is my neatest friend cause I really don’t have time for real people . Most of the time I feel like a bus driver the rest an ATM oh and a laundry mat .. Can’t remember the last time I saw the floor in the laundry room beginning to think there isn’t one . It’s just a bottomless out if dirty clothes! I say cherish those pukey sleepless nights at least at that age you can snuggle with them and they don’t make you want to throttle them cause they just don’t know when to shut the hell up! Ill take enfant over teen any day ! As for the boys .. Well I’m sure they are determined to do themselves in. My advice to any mum of boys .. Keep plenty of crazy glue on hand .. It will save you many a trip to emergency!!! New pregnant mums are hilarious … I snicker and say oh you are so cute you just have no idea do you. !!!! Amazed I have any tongue left when childless people or new mums give me rearing advise .. Pass the wine and lock the door!!! Cheers that was amazing writing thanks for saying what we all are thinking!!!
N StReMminG, your comment worries me, I have 2 boys (7 and 5) and 2 girls (3 and 6m) and was really hoping that things would get easier as they get older! I have this dream that my kids will be doing their own laundry in the next 5 years and cleaning their rooms without me having to scream at them. You just took away all my hope. Please pass that wine. ;)
I have 5 – the 2 youngest are still at home, 17 and 18 – all I can say is – good luck with that!! :)
I have 6 (all girls) my eldest is 15.5 then 13 yr old twins, 5.5, 4 and 1.5.. the eldest helps with the laundry and general house work and without her I’d be mental I am sure of it lol. I’m not the perfect mum but they are all alive and healthy so I am doing something right!
We stopped doing our sons laundry when he turned 14. For the first little bit he complained, then he “punished” us by wearing dirty clothes all the time. Then he realized that girls exist, and appreciate guys that don’t smell like a locker room. Was never a problem after that.
My 3 month old just puked on me as I was reading this.
L.O.L. sorry if I jinxed you!
My 3yr old just coughed til she puked in her sleep. Darn thing was all smiles and giggles while I changed her sheets!
I guess this is funny in some ways, but I found it kind of sad too. We have an 18 month old and have really enjoyed parenting. I can’t complain about when we’ve had a sleepless night because I know someone once did it for me too. I didn’t go blind into parenthood, I knew there would be all sorts of stages, sleepless nights, tantrums and other things were all the things I was signing up for when I decided to be a parent in the first place, (maybe I had realistic expectations, I had myself prepared for everything being way harder than it has turned out to be.) At times I feel like we wish so badly for stages to pass that we end up missing out on parts of parenthood, and it goes so quickly. My biggest advise to new parents is just be realistic in what your expectations are and be prepared to roll with what comes your way.
It sounds like you had more realistic expectations than most, which is good. But I also think it’s likely you have a relatively easy-going child. My first child was nightmarishly difficult, but if I had had my second first I would have felt the way you describe. Kids vary A LOT in how difficult they are.
mmm, I think there is one thing worse than first time, know-it-all-parents…. parents who discount positivity with an ‘easy baby’
This is the best comment on this blog.
I support that being a parent is tough anf you have to pick your battles. However, I say that if you are at Walmart and your kid wants a toy and is mad you won’t get it for him and he spits in your face and you do nothing, YOU are the problem.
Period.
I’m happy for you that the first went well, get back to us after your next one!!
People tend to treat us like we are crazy but we are expecting our 3rd to arrive shortly after our first turns 3 and before our second turns 2. Being a mom is all of these hilarious things and so much more! I am so full of shortcomings but I think judging myself is what makes us good moms. I had 40 hrs of tortuous labor with baby 1 yet was surprised with an awesome delivery of baby 2 less than 18 months later. Both my babies cried non stop for months (4 & 6 month respectively). My kids are NOT perfect and we are NOT perfect parents, but it is by far the best job in the world. Each stage has so many challenges yet so many rewards (thus far anyway). I have a crazy messy house, I consider peeing alone a treat, if boots are on the right feet we are doing well, I figure if I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair its probably worth risking a 5 min shower, I live this everday yet love it. I know so many people who want children yet can’t have their own. We are so blessed to encounter all this crap, it means we are parents!
Wow, Manon. That wasn’t judgmental at all!
…and so much for keeping it light! :)
I agree with Jennifer. Granted, I was a babysitter and a nanny before I had children and became a nurse working pediatrics and L&D/newborn nursery after having a couple… so I know that had a lot to do with my expectations being a LOT more realistic than most new moms. I do giggle a lot at some of the expectations.
But… a positive attitude does help even when baby isn’t the easiest (and with seven kids, one with autistic spectrum disorder, one with ADHD, one who had massive colic… yeah, I know raising a baby isn’t the easiest thing in the world)…. I think Jennifer has the right attitude. Granted… it’s the ones who DON’T have realistic expectations that this post was designed for… and boy, are there are lot of those moms out there!
Good advice regarding the expectations. Although, I too felt much more positive when I had an 18 month old only child. I love my kids to death which is why parenting is so stressful because I put so much pressure on myself to be like super mom for them. I’m not super mom, but they know I love them. Hopefully the rest can be fixed with good therapy.
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I think I feel more positive now with two, even though the second has been my more difficult child (boys, 3 and 15moths). However, I know that pretty much every ounce of my energy and positivity is from a prednisone boost I’m tapering off of. I asked my doctor if I could stay on 30mg every day for the rest of my life! I feel like superwoman!!
I go off the drugs in three days. Wish me and the kids luck, they’ll be the ones crying for a home cooked meal.
Great post!! Now just imagine 2 sets of twins under the age of 2…. attempting to go to the bathroom in peace will eventually be possible right? whoever thought going to the store without 4 kids would be a mini vacation?? Thanks for the laugh.
I sincerely mean this… My hat goes off to anyone with twins or anyone with 4 kids or anyone with kids really close in age. You have all 3 plus 2 sets of twins???? You are my hero!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
My experience is that having one small child is like having one small child. Having two small children is like having ten. Mine are mostly grown and we feel the deep bonding of having been through hell and back together… (learning to cope with bullies at school, not getting the part in the play, broken hearts) it’s the best roller-coaster ride you’ll never recover from. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
Just had my 1st child two and a half months ago. Wish I could’ve seen this before hand. Awesome!!!
I haven’t had my first yet (just a handful of weeks along), but I’m so glad I saw this! I strive not to take myself too seriously, but I’m sure I have plenty of hard lessons to learn both during pregnancy and when Baby gets here! I do agree with another commenter- it’s about expectations and being realistic. I really enjoyed this, and am certainly passing it along to a friend or two.
Anyone find it hypocritical to bash those who research med free births, but the next sentence is telling you to not judge other moms? The judging needs to stop pre baby, not just after baby arrives. If I want to prepare myself for a med free delivery, that’s my perogative. If you want any and all meds as soon as you get out of triage, that’s yours! No biggie.
Sweetheart – it was a letter to myself. I researched the HELL out of medication free births with my first child only to get an epidural. Then, with my second child, I said fuck the research and “labor prep”, and I did it without an epidural or any pain meds. Ironic…. also, the letter is about the fact that I was judging people when preggo, and karma has taught me some SERIOUS lessons. I try hard not to judge now, but I’m only human and sometimes we all fall victim to idiocracy…
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Thanks for this response to the previous poster. I appreciate that it was a letter to yourself, about judging people when preggo, but it’s also a letter you published now, and some of what you said about natural birth prep seemed really judgmental and hurtful.
I’m a mother of two, induced, epidural-ed the first, had my second at home. Natural birth was a fully informed choice and one I would make again. I do not consider the time I spent preparing for a natural birth a “waste.” I don’t judge women who make the choice to have their baby in the hospital and choose to have an epidural – seriously – I get it and I support that choice. I hear so many comments about natural birth vs. epidural that make me feel like a fool and a freak for my choices. I wish we could stop attacking each other over this.
I had my second at a birth center, and honestly am sometimes afraid to tell people because I’m judged that it’s not safe. My parenting confidence is a work in progress… There are a lot of circumstances that surrounded my choice, and in my situation, I actually felt it was safer to do the birth center versus hospital.
Comedy is a coping mechanism for me and many other people, so I’m sorry you feel that what I said is hurtful, but I love candid humor. I do truly believe, though, that many people I know spend more time & energy on labor prep than actually learning about taking care of their newborn.
Thanks for the honest response :)
I hear you on the folks who spend more time on labor prep than prepping to take care of a newborn. I may have fallen in that category myself ;) I distinctly remember realizing during my ninth month that, although I planned to breastfeed, I had no idea how to actually do that. Thank goodness I found a class! And that the class was provided by a Breastfeeding Center that provided great support and parenting advice after my little one was born. I wonder if part of the reason we don’t prep to take care of our babies is that there’s this unreasonable expectation that every woman should just naturally know how to be a good mother. Maybe that’s why there seems to be this weird stigma around parenting classes too. Like you’re a bad parent if you take one.
I suppose I was unique because I was born to college kids who worked it out and got married, but always, always made it clear how hard parenting was, so I was scared shitless.. apparently not during delivery though ;-)
Parenting,nursing class?? Maybe if it weren’t against the LAW to listen to people who have actually DONE this hard stuff, like your PARENTS, you might have a clue or even some help!
Wow, that’s pretty mean. My mom is a great source of support and I don’t consider it against the law to listen to her. She stayed with me for two weeks after each of my kids was born and having her help was amazing. Unfortunately, she lives 8 hours away, and I don’t think it’s out of line to look for additional help and support in that situation. I think a lot of women today are in that situation.
I commend you Katrina for taking classes and loving and caring about your children so much that you seek additional info. It shows dedication, not weakness. I only wish they had classes where I live in the boonies!
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I will explain why I tended to shrug off my mom’s advice and seek out classes on stuff like breastfeeding. Love mom dearly, but she was born in the 20′s and her advice was very old fashioned. Here are a few of the more notable “parenting suggestions” I received:
“Don’t breastfeed. I couldn’t so you probably can’t either.”
“Don’t waste money on formula. We made our own with evaporated milk and corn syrup and your siblings turned out fine”.
“Why is that baby still being breastfed? You were on skim milk at 3 months old”
“Now that she is a year old, start potty training. She should be fully trained by 15 months. You were.
“Paper diapers (disposable) are for lazy mom’s”.
“Don’t use separate detergent. His skin will get used to Tide” (this child has food allergies and still at 16 horrible eczema that is made worse by detergent that is too harsh, he is probably the only one at high school whose mom still washes his “delicates” in Ivory Snow–just don’t tell anyone……….;)
I am glad I didn’t listen to my mom for help, but her child rearing ideas were just too different from mine.
That was supposed to be in reply to Grandma. This blog made me laugh, and my oldest is 18, youngest is 10 with two in between.
Well, since my mother never went through natural childbirth, never breastfed a child and pawned me off on the neighbors to raise, I think the wonderful women who helped teach me the things I needed to know were a huge asset to my life.
And as someone who now TEACHES childbirth, parenting and breastfeeding classes, I would like to point out that there are precious few young women who can just turn to an all knowing, experienced, loving and supportive mom for every single answer. Some young ladies had their mom die before they gave birth. Others didn’t have a good relationship with them. Some have wonderfully supportive mothers who simply don’t have experience with breastfeeding or other issues important to the new mom.
Classes are also a place where young moms can connect with each other and form a supportive community of women their own age going through the same experiences.
I laughed I cried I wish every woman would read this. I pray that girls realize that their sweetheart has no clue about any thing she is going thru! I have an unusual view of the world for a man. My wife and I run a daycare and we were married 10 years before we had children. After 3 kids of our own and time on the frontline with other people’s kids I can say OMG! I didn’t know shit! I am so proud of my sister and many of the women I thought I could judge. Putting up with the bullshit of others while raising a child and babysitting their husband….. Wow how sad everyone can’t see wha a great person you are!
Awesome perspective from a guy! Thanks for sharing!
There are not enough adjectives to describe this post, but here are a few – hilarious, truthful, fantastic! The irony is that the women who really need this information are still sitting in disbelief with their mouths hanging open. :) I am happy to spread this post! Ellen
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Now I’m picturing a bunch of preggos with their jaws on the floor ;-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Awesome! Getting loopy over a “box of Franzia’s finest”? You are comedic genius. Where were you during my last pregnancy when this letter was so, so needed for a few of my “friends”? Love it.
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OMG, I have SO many Franzia stories… why do the best stories come out over the cheapest alcohol. I suppose it’s a reflection of the state of my life at the time…
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Brilliant. Really, nothing else can be said.
I agree – brilliant ;-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
I LOVED this! So perfect!! I have no time or patience at all with judgmental people now. My son is a much easier baby than my daughter was, but I’m the same person, so it’s not because of anything I’m doing. If you think being a parent of small children is “just not that hard,” you are a fucking moron and should keep that thought to yourself. You don’t know what type of child someone else is dealing with, the state of their marriage, their finances, their own mental health, etc. Unless your name is spelled “God,” fuck off.
I also think people are more or less suited to parenting different ages. I knew I was going to have more trouble dealing with the challenges of small children than older ages going in, because of specific things I have trouble handling that are unique to a young child. Not enjoying the suffocation years doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It’s for a lifetime, not just until school starts.
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Well put! I couldnt agree with you more to be frank, every child is different and if you can pull your head out of your ass and see that people are trying…. get bent!
Amen! Very true. And very funny. Looking back on pregnancy I wonder why I thought I knew so much better than everyone else. I mean, yeah, there are clearly a few train wreck parents running around in the world *cough, TLC shows, cough* but it’s not like anyone I’m actually friends with calls Mountain Dew “Go-go juice.” I should have been more humble and paid attention.
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I sent this to my girlfriends after having my first son -
The cold hard truth!
So there are a few thing I wished I known about giving birth and the afterwards. Thought I’d pass on the wisdom.
1 – Check your dignity at the door. Over the span of 5.5hrs I had 4 different people’s fingers inside me and was fully fisted by a triage nurse.
2 – After giving birth, you have little to no bladder control. The first pee is a little scary because you don’t know what to expect but it’s the best pee you’ll ever feel in your life. After that, don’t get all cocky thinking you can pee anytime you want! If you get up for some reason, pee! Even if you don’t think you have to, pee anyway. The next time, you might have to pee really badly and you might not make it! You can’t hold it in like you used to be able to! Wear throw away flip flops not your slippers like they tell you to!
3 – For home, make sure you have epsom salts (helps to heal stiches), ice packs (for stiches), lots of pads, LOTS of toilet paper, and most importantly vitamin D drops for the baby (if you are are soley nursing, they need them – ask the pharmacist)
4 – They will give you this squeeze bottle to help you clean your perinuem area (eek!) if you have stiches. Take it home with you! It will become your best friend.
5 – You’ll consider ‘accidentally’ slipping your foot out of the restraints and kicking your nurses in the face. I thought about it. They are helping though! Believe it or not. The bitchiest one will be the one who gets you through!
Lastly – 6 – PUSHING HURTS LIKE NOTHING YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE!!! But it’s totally worth it! When you see him come out and get to hold him for the first time, the pushing seems so long ago and you totally forget about the pain.
Try to stay at home as long as you can through your contractions. The hospital is very boring.
Great tips! The cold hard truth is hard to hear, but sometimes, it’s exactly what we need.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Finally some truth! I hope they pay attention…no one really knows what they’re in for do they?
;)
Hell, even after having the one, I can’t say I knew what I was in for with 2!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Every word of it true, lol! Thanks for the laughs!!
Wish you wrote one to those who have gone through motherhood, Its amazing how much judgemental flack I copped from aunts and grandparents who had gone before me but I will agree what you said is soo spot on. :)
Oh my gosh, I SO know what you mean. I just read this great article on Huffington post about this http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morrison/motherhood_b_2271349.html
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Haha this is great. Though I also agree with judgements from older people can be just as bad. I had a tired son one day while waiting for my mum to finish shopping. I’d been staying with her as my sciatica was pretty bad and I was nearing d day with number 2 and this old bat made comment about my son crying and screaming as he was strapped in the stroller. I ended up having a big argument with her.
This is a really amazing post. Thanks for the laugh. 3 kids of my own now and tons of pregnant friends and family. Everyone’s so judge judge. I’m fat, my house is a mess, and my 6 year old daughter thinks when I potty is social time while she sits on the edge of the tub.
All I can say is I love my friends and family but they will gets theirs. Lol. Oh yes they will.
Yes, yes everyone’s time will come!
I am pregnant with my first, and this is hilarious. I know I’m fucked. I am fully prepared to be one of the worst organized moms in history, due to the fact that I have never even changed a diaper in my life, my house has always looked like a bomb went off even when it was just me and my partner, and I can’t even read more than a chapter of any of the dozen baby books that people have given me before I want to watch reruns of Xfiles in Netflix, but some of my friends are pregnant right now, too, and they think they have all the answers, and it’s just precious.
Sounds like you’re a laid back person, which might just be the most awesome way to parent. You could surprise yourself.
Great article… it’s rare to have such honest impressions of parenting.
But, can you lay off the Dad bashing? I work my ass off looking after and caring for my kids.
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/men-are-crying-out-for-equality-too-especially-in-parenting-20121230-2c1bi.html
My husband does too. That doesn’t mean that when I’m sleep deprived, overworked, and anxious that I don’t think he’s a dip shit even if he isn’t being one… but sometimes he is being one and sometimes I am too. We’re only human :-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
Seriously? Get off the cross. Having a kid isn’t that hard. Your kid will no doubt love hearing one day how, but for the love you share, he ruined your life.
While I’m on my cross, I’ll pray that my kids have a better sense of humor than the nameless #114 comment.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
looks like your comment number has been bumped down… just don’t want whoever ends up at 114 to think I’m talking about them! lol
Um….do you even have children? Or does your spouse do all the work?
That is TOO funny !!!! Thanks for the laughs…oh ya and it’s all true!!
HA. HA. HA! I loved this. Seriously, it made my entire year (and it’s only January). I have 4 biological children, and 3 step children. All full time, with neither of the “other parents” being involved. I thought I had gone through some crazy shit with my own kids, ie. vegetable oil on hardwood, soot from a cold fireplace all over my livingroom, 11kg bag of flour, 6 whole rolls of TP in the toilet, tub of vaseline all over my couch, all when they were 3 and under. THEN… my hubby and I moved in together, and I learned that my demon children who had had a revelation and turned into humans, could indeed have a reverse revelation when influenced by current demon step siblings. So, being as strict a parent as I am, it has improved incredibly, as his kids were lacking any and all forms of discipline in their lives. BUT – these are their ages and genders – boy(11), girl(6), girl(6), girl(5), girl(5), boy(4), and boy(2). That’s right… six between the ages of 2 and 6. I had an INSANELY EASY firstborn, at age 16. Now, at age 27, I’m mom to seven kids, and I have to set alarms to remind myself to put deodorant on, or to brush my teeth, or to remind myself to remind myself to remind myself that I have an appointment that I keep forgetting to remind myself about. LOL. I am in no way a “know-it-all” mom with advice for others… but I can definitely relate to this post, knowing that I was a “know-it-all” mom at age 16. I wish I could have given myself a heads up on the tiny little truth that all children are NOT the same. Easy first child DOES NOT mean easy second, or third, or seventh. We have three children (one mine, two his) who have behavioral and/or learning disorders… mine has ADHD and ODD(Oppositional Defiant Disorder) as well. We are in the process of assessment for his, but one big possibility is auditory processing disorder. So in other words, my “problem child” does shit that’s wrong, on purpose, and has no remorse… gets angry when punished, etc. These problems, if not addressed correctly, could easily lead to a life of drugs, crime, etc. His “problem children” are basically in a permanent “DUHHHH” state of mind. Lacking all forms of common sense. They don’t understand simple directions (“go put your coat and boots on please.” – “what?” – “coat and boots. On. Please.” – (blank stare)”coat and boots?” – “yes. Put them on please.” – (blank stare)”put them on?” – “yes.” – “oh.”
Anyways, when the 4 older kids started a new school this year, and the younger 3 kids started a new daycare as well, I forewarned all instructors/teachers/caregivers. I told them that we are a blended family with a lot of young children very close in age. If we missed a night(or three) of homework, forgot to sign forms, forgot a spoon in their lunchcans, missed a kid during hair brushing/styling routines, forgot to wash a face(or seven), that we were learning. I’m lucky to have a man in my life who is just as involved with our entire life as I am, who knows I’m a control freak who needs things done a certain way, so he does his best to make sure I’m happy while I am busy taking care of everyone else. Either way, as much as I miss lonely bathroom visits, I know that in a few years, I’m going to have two 15yr old girls and two 16yr old girls, all at the same time, and by then I plan on being rich enough (pffffttt) to have my own bathroom hideaway in a secret wall that no one knows about, so I don’t have to fight for the bathroom with any menstruating, makeup crazy, hormonal females (I had brothers).
Anyways, since I wrote a novel within the comments, I will finish with – This is an awesome piece of writing. I laughed out loud, and I found joy(sorry) in knowing that I’m not a spaz, that there are other mothers (obviously by reading comments!) who go through some pretty insane things, and still agree that it’s totally worth the “mommy brain” side effect. I love my children in ways I could never imagine describing… even if I have fleeting mental images of locking myself(or them) in a closet sometimes! Haha thanks for the read!!
Lol, you probably really could write a book! I’m glad you found comfort in my spastic ways ;-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
I’ve locked myself in a closet on more then one occasion. My husband is a saint though…..I hear a “Honey, there’s a coffee out here for you when your ready”
My hubby can bribe me with coffee too, wish I didn’t react like I do (coming out of hiding), but it usually makes me put my game face on and get back into my life with my 3 boys.
I laughed and cried at how true this all is! So well said!!!!!!
I woke my baby that “sleeps when held” up from laughing so loud at the poop part!
Oh no! Sorry about that!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
I have a 7 year old with high functioning autism and a 2 year old and holy cow!!! When my mother in law comes to visit. I freaking sleep. Its all I want to do. Haha but my hubby is deployed.
Having a child with special needs has taught me not to judge. I don’t know their story, their situation. I live my leashes. I have a monkey and a lion. But my girls love them, thank god. I also never was going to be that parent. Haha
So funny we cared about poop during delivery. I could’ve cared less during the actual delivery.
My hubby wants a boy, so a third. I told him no, not even if he can go thru the pg because Im the one raising them and dealing with police coming to my house because daughter called 911, now twice. Why do we teach this to our kids?
Oh and the stroller i bought is a keekaroo because it has a 75 lb limit. Haha
I actually laugh at my sisters (with no kids) that telling me that telling my child isnt good. Umm, ok. I was on that boat with my first
Im going to see if u have any more on your blog. You are awesome.
And to the people saying. Judging goes both ways. Yea, true but im to the point. I dont care. Not only do i not judge, i dont care if someone judges me or not.
If someone wants to go natural during whole labor than be my guest and Im just going to laugh my ass off while reading your status updates.
Oh I am way too much of a basket case to have a deployed husband. More power to you! I did, by the way, have a natural birth with #2 and it was barbaric lol!! Also, you just made me think, “ummm I haven’t taught my now 3 year old 911 – oops, should I? yikes!!”
HA! I totally just peed myself with my sad little lack of bladder control! I LOvE my daughter. But my husband & I muddle through this adventure everyday. I will seriously burn any “how to rear a child ” books if anyone gives them to me. Because they are all total crap! Plus, I look at pictures. I used to be totally hot! LOL!
haha, if only we appreciated it when we had it!
This has been a joy to read, especially other parents comments. I have laughed until tears were streaming down my face. So good for the soul. Could relate to all the flour, oil, eggs and the obligatory toilet paper – plumbers must love kids and throw in some pyromania. My daughter made Houdini look like an amateur and my son had a penchant for just creating havoc.
Mine are thankfully grown up now and we all survived the experience. Now it is their turn!! What I would like to know is why are they vile teenagers and as soon as they move out, they become human again?!
I had this fantasy when they were teenagers. One day I would go to their lovely homes. Revenge would be sweet. Open all windows / doors and make sure the air con / heater is on full blast, leave soggy wet towels under the bed together some lovely plates/bowls with leftovers to fester. Put empty milk cartons back in the fridge…. Oh the list goes on!
Thank you for making me laugh so much!
Great article. While it all rings true, the thing is, I still didn’t learn. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking but when my first daughter was turning two I was thinking “Well at least now I know exactly what to do wth the second one.” Then my second daughter was born and I was all, “WTF??!? How can they be TOTALLY different? NOTHING that worked for the first one works on this one. That’s not fair!!!”
So glad it’s not just me. I had #2 and was like, “wait!!! what do I do with him???” Well, I guess I had some knowledge of things and was more laid back but still, you forget a lot!
It’s always interesting to see what buttons are pushed when reading through the “sarcasm.” Parenting isn’t as dire as all of this. Natural birth is absolutely possible. Mocking and derision tend to expose our insecurities more than they expose anything close to truth.
I was insecure about having a natural birth, but I did it with my second child. I went to a birth center, and it was great. Still wanted to kill myself because of the pain, but once the baby’s there, the focus is on them and you quickly (kind of) forget.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies
I am sitting at work during a quiet day and was just about on the floor I was laughing so hard. It is so damn true! I have a precious 3 year old little girl and wouldn’t trade her for the world. But the judgements from people were astounding! I hear people complain on a regular basis how hard pregnacy is and they are first time parents with no way to imagine how difficult it is now. Well written and thanks!
I laughed so hard that my eyes were tearing…..my son is 21 years old, but I remember all of it like it was yesterday. The part about the breathing technique, I still tell people how it didn’t help at all…I begged for a c-section, which incidentally I got(not because I begged)!! The fecal matter on the table…by the time I was 14 hours into my pitocin induced labor, I couldn’t have cared if 50 people went marching through the delivery room door!! Thank you for writing this…..
Wow, you paint such a lovely picture of parenting; why would anyone want kids?? All everyone does is complain about being parents and say how tired, stressed and busy they are with kids! But then you call them out on it and ask then why did you have them, then they turn to mush and say parenting is amazing….make up your minds and tell us the real truth!
Love,
childless
The truth is that it’s fucking nuts! For me, it’s been the craziest experience ever, like nothing you can describe. Like you love them more than you can describe or imagine, yet that doesn’t mean there aren’t times where you literally think you’re certifiable because they’ll push you to the brink. It’s like in a perfect world, our job would be to take care of our kids, and someone would take care of us, but that’s not life. We have bills, jobs, stress, and kids just add a whole new level to that. Luckily they’re so damn cute!
It is very much both. Imagine the most difficult job in the world paired with the most rewarding job in the world. There you have it!
Bitch.
This was brilliant, thank you for the laughs!! X
Yup… Times like this I’m glad I can’t have kids. Little life ruiners that they are.
I didn’t mean for the post to come off as kids are little life ruiners. They’re life changers for sure though, and like I said, it’s the love that balances it all out.
This is absoloutley hilarious! And any mom can’t help but think mhmm, to each and every paragraph! Well done!! Great for a much needed laugh in the months following the arrival of the little people!! :)
although it is well written I disagree! I thought pregnancy was a wonderful time and giving birth was amazing! I couldn’t wait to get pregnant again and its so not true that your body stays messed up! it took me about six months of eating right and working out and breastfeeding to lose the weight. every second was worth it! breastfeeding was also a wonderful experience after the first few months!
I’m SO jealous of your pregnancies! We want one more child, but I did struggle with the pregnancies. Maybe it’s because I’m so damn short and also short waisted and my first was 8lbs and my back couldn’t take it. You’re one of the legendary moms who actually loses weight while breastfeeding! I, for some reason, only could once I was done. We’ll see what happens this time because I’m still bf-ing….
You had the fortune and blessing to be able to carry a child. None of the rest matters.
:-( I’m sorry….
I had to work out and eat good along with it.yes some moms have to wean to lose the rest but I’m sure you look fabulous! your a good writer also! You gave me a good laugh!
Thanks for the compliment.
I know I will work out some day, but it’s not in the cards right now with my level of sleep deprivation. I am actually eating healthier than I ever have in my life and that helps.
Speaking of sleep deprivation… I need to quit the Internet and go to bed!
Love this! I have a two year old ‘spirited’ little girl and am going to have another little girl (please dear god slightly more mellow) in a couple of months. Nothing can prepare you for actually being a parent. I was one of those ones who focused on ‘researching’ the pregnancy and labour so much that when they actually handed me my daughter I was like ‘wait a minute, what?’. Perhaps not that bad but still had no idea what I was in for.
And no matter how good your husband is you will still think they’re an asshole sometimes because you’re the one who just pushed (or had c-sectioned) out a baby and probably did a bit of damage to your lady bits and hasn’t slept in months and sleep isn’t on the table in the near future either. Plus you have crazy hormones and even if you lose all the weight (I did within a couple of months) your body will still never look the same. All the weight that was on my ass migrated to my hips lol. Anyway long story short I love my daughter more than anything in the world but I learned that judging when you have no frame of reference is moronic.
oh wow that wad too funny! if only we had some sort of clue back then! loved the mention of breathing exercises after birth! I was glad I was crossing my legs while I read this!
julie recently posted..The Leftover Ledger
This was funny but the more blog posts like this I read the more I have to think long and hard as to why I would want to have a child?
There seems to be this consistent undercurrent of frustration, exhaustion, envy of former without-kids life, strain on marriage, etc from new mom’s…at least from all the blogs I come across. Perhaps I have it wrong but I have to be honest that it definitely makes you debate the choice to dive into motherhood!
I never thought I would have a baby… I have lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and colitis and I am 44 and guess what I had on September 2nd?? My little girl… She is the best thing I have ever done in my life… Yes I am tired and I get cranky at times, I am also doing it on my own but you know it’s all worth it… When she smiles or laughs or just reaches or me my heart melts ( and people who know me know I’m not mushy or very lovey dovey but she brings out in me) I don’t think I have ever loved anybody the same or more then I love her … I have had days that I am so tired that I want to gouge my own eyes out but she is almost 5 months old and watching accomplish new things almost everyday and her sleeping more and longer even eating more at each sitting but each sitting is farther apart I can’t imagine ever not having her… I will be honest I didn’t enjoy being pregnant all that much… I found it stressful cuz I was always worried if she was moving enough etc… And then I was almost 2 weeks over due and had to be induced which started Saturday around noon and to make a long story short I had her Sunday at 6:44 pm so this last approx year has been quite the ride but the best ride I have ever been on :):)
GO GIRL!!!
Im High-fiving you!! Youre amazing and keep on keeping on!!
Parenthood is amazing. Everyone’s experience is different, I have a 15 month old boy and he’s wonderful. Sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes overwhelmed, but I am thankful for him every single day. Maybe having kids isn’t for you, that’s your decision, but don’t let some moms getting together to vent sway your mind.
I don’t know how judgmental I was–probably WAY too much so but I refused to let having my first two kids slow me down. You want to talk about Karma? Try SPONTANEOUS (as in no fertility drugs) TRIPLETS. Says God Almighty, “There, that’ll settle her down”.
Stacey- mom of six with a smile of insanity that is frequently mistaken for contentment
(((STANDS UP AND APPLAUDS VERY, VERY LOUDLY))) This was BRILLIANT!!! :)
I would like to say that I didn’t act like that when I was pregnant with my first. I was enjoying my pregnancy so much that I have no idea if any of it applies to me. We all have these ideals about how perfect our children are going to be. Hearing my pregnant sister-in-law say that her kids will not have sugary drinks, or juice even, is laughable. At some point she will give her kid anything it wants just to shut it’s mouth for 5 minutes. I also have twins. I know these things. I enjoy your writing, keep it up.
The only thing worse than a sanctimonious non-parent is a “sancti-mommy” and their “yooooooou’ll seeeeeeeeeee!”. If you want to encourage parents to support each other, how about start by not bashing dads and parents-to-be? Take your own advice.
That’s what you got out of this article? Seriously?
Look around. You’re clearly in the minority.
Wow,
nothing more true than this article at the moment trying to stay put and let my 2 1/2 mth old baby boy cry…which has got to be the hardest thing in the world but as many moms have told me he needs to cry i will now be following your blog because a laugh a day may keep me sane thank you for this and yes screw the breathing tips and natural birth books, i had no choice to go natural as happened so quick but knowing what to do when your baby cant poop or pukes excesivly,,,reflux baby i have been blessed with would be more helpful then breathing through labour!
thanks for some laughs…
and here i caave and cuddle my crying baby lol
how do i just let him cry???
This is funny; you either get it or you don’t.
Thanks for the laugh
Thanks for the laughs! I am sorry to see that some didn’t quite grasp the light-heartedness with which this was intended. Obviously we all love our children…but do we want to throw ourselves a pity party sometimes? Absolutely. Do I wish that I did not have dried banana on my sweater right now? Of course. Is my house immaculate? Hell no. I have my supermom moments and I have giant failure moments. They fluctuate more than my bank account. But hey, at the end of the day, I scrape the spaghetti off of the couch and give thanks for the little munchkin as the best blessing in my life.
Beth M recently posted..In a Year’s Time…Newborn to Now!
When you know better, you do better. Isn’t that what they say? Be kind to your pre-baby self.
xxoo
While I didn’t go through childbirth, I can totally tell you that this is so right. Sleep, what is that?
I have to admit I was one of those judgemental bitches telling my sisters what they were doing wrong what was the right/better thing do was. But I wasn’t even a mom myself. I know look back and regret every one of those things I said because now I’m the one having a baby and have no friends with babies and well no family left. Sometimes in life things are just better well… Kept to yourself and I realized that a little to late.
omg.
you are from the lord!
I was trying not to wake the baby sleeping on my chest while I convulsed w/ silent laughter. especially about the dentist which really was a spa vacation for me (they kept asking if I wanted a magazine and i was like “just let me sit here and enjoy the silence please”) and the dipshit husband (well, boyfriend, and i will say he’s trying).
thank.you!
I tell everyone that “I knew EVERYTHING about being a parent……until I had my own kids” ha ha ha. Days are long and years are short :)
hahahaha, ahhh too funny! I was crying laughing, the best was “When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you”. This was good!
What a horrible letter to self ! Thank goodness we all dont think alike AND view parenting the same way ! Ugh
What a horrible comment! Thank goodness most other commenters aren’t as rude as you!
My theory is anything you said you’d “never” do, you are doing within the first two weeks.
Parenthood isn’t pretty, people.
you make me not want to have kids, i mean i want to in many ways, but i hear stuff like this all the time and it makes me feel like we are these animals that force ourselves to have kids without any clarity of thinking because it’s evolutionary instinct and we know no better but that in fact, it makes our lives so much more miserable. so many studies show how miserable parents become with the first child and then even more miserable with every succeeding child – i guess i try to be like everyone else and ignore it and believe that the love and moments of joy are worth all the sacrifice, but then i read something like this?
AMEN ‘mb’!
I felt exactly the same way after reading this and many similar blogs by moms/parents. As a married woman without kids, sure makes the idea of having kids less and less attractive!
Out of all the couples my husband and I know that have decided to have kids, only ONE are seemingly still happy and not frustrated/exhausted/stressed.
It’s meant to be funny. It is funny. But do you want parents to ignore the shit, throw-up, not sleeping, and everything else and tell you it’s going to be pure bliss? Would you rather not know? But if you’re going to be so cynical, do us all a favor and don’t have kids if you don’t want them. But please oh please get off the backs of everyone who does decide that kids are for them. I think we all deserve to express how we feel. And after you’ve been crapped upon several times that day, parenting probably does seem a little tiring. Lighten up.
Other studies show that while parents self-report less happiness *while* they are parenting, they look back on their 20s, 30s, and 40s with more satisfaction, and generally report feeling more “fulfilled”. Coming home from work to carpet shampoo maple syrup out of the stairs is far less fun than coming home from work to change clothes before your massage. Absolutely. But some pretty well-executed studies have demonstrated that in real time, people don’t always recognize what makes for long-term happiness. Think of it this way: Mile 21 of a marathon isn’t any runner’s most joyful moment. It sucks. You hurt. You’re tired. You smell bad. But it’s necessary in order to acquire the sense of accomplishment (and the accompanying joy) that you’ll be able to hold dear for years to come. Parenting’s like that. 2 A.M. with a sick, screaming toddler isn’t anyone’s idea of fun. It sucks. It hurts. You’re tired. Maybe you smell bad. But it’s part of the greater accomplishment of learning the art of real, true, unconditional love, and the joy that goes with it.
This is a great analogy. I don’t want the letter to deter people from having kids. I intended it to be funny for people who are in the midst of this stage of life who could relate.
I don’t need to get to the end of the “marathon” to see how much happier I am now. I look back on my pre-kids life and can’t believe how shallow of a person I was. I think all the time about what an empty life I had. I partied and drank and focused way too much on what I looked like, and I don’t miss that person at all.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
Mb. Where are these studies you speak of? I have a 4 month old daughter and while yes I may be covered in spit up and only have had 3 good nights of sleep in those 4 months but I love every minute with my daughter. Some days are hard and yes I may get annoyed with my husband but that’s called marriage. And while we may be having less “couple time” than before and most of our conversations are about the baby, we are happier than ever because when my heart grew to totally encompass my daughter my love also grew for my husband. I would never say I am miserable and I don’t know any who are due to their children. But if you decide not to have kids that is your decision I just hope you don’t regret it when you are older.
This is really dumb and bitter.
Great! However, I’ve noticed a small typo: paragraph 5, last line. “Tots” should read, “tits.” Best of luck!
Remember nuns? This is why.
All I can say now that my kids are grown is that god has rewarded me beyond belief with 5 grandkids that are amazing and if I’d known how fun they were I’d had them first LOL!
The beauty with the grandkids phase is you can give them back lol that was my mother’s fav saying. Enjoy them all, beautiful little treasures.
This is so damn true! Everyone has all the answers… until they’ve been there.
I would add to your list/advice: So you’re worried about privacy and being naked at the birth, with interns and assorted other personnel catching a glimpse of your ying-yang? Don’t worry – you won’t have a bath, shower, pee or poop for the next year without an infant audience. Instead of worrying, spend the time and energy practising how to “go” or shower with one leg extended to keep the baby seat rocking (*).
Also, read! Read like the wind Tonto! It may be two years before you have the time and energy to read more than the month’s summary paragraph from “What to expect now you’ve spawned” without falling asleep with your face in your spaghetti or blimp-sized boobs (*).
Also, forget your idea that things (non-sleeping infants, leaking orifices, hormones, your weight) sort themselves out by six weeks. For example, it may be three years before your kid sleeps through the night (*). And this might happen again with the second (*).
Great article – should be mandatory reading for moms-to-be!
(*) examples taken from actual, personal experience.
Dear Expectant, Childless Father;
You think you’re tired now, dipshit? ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA.
You think you hate your job now? Wait until you’re the firewall between where you live now and your wife and child sleeping under a bridge somewhere, or worse, at your parents’ house. You’re going to hate that job that you drag your sleepless ass to like a junkie hates the needle, and you’re going to love it exactly as much.
Do you like your haircut? Enjoy it. You may never get another haircut you care about. You’re going to get haircuts the way college kids buy tires- When it’s impossible to move forward without one.
Like those jeans and those shoes? Fall in love with them. You won’t be buying clothes in double-digit sizes for about five years, except when you notice they’re selling bales of t-shirts for less than a box of babywipes at Wal-Mart, where you’ll be at 2am buying… babywipes.
You’re a guy, you lived in a dorm. You committed all kinds of crimes against your gut when you discovered ramen noodles and Milwaukee’s Best and pizza-cheaper-than-grass-clippings-night at Papa John’s. You think you know poop smell. You do not know poop smell. Oh, the symphony of poop smell in your future. You will become a connaisseur
of poop bouquet, texture and color. Astonishingly, you won’t mind.
Your “Buds,” your “Bros,” “The Guys”- go have one more late night with them. By late, I mean 9:30. Your wife is home pregnant, dipshit. You’re going to start worrying about her at 7:30, you’ll call her at 7:35, try to press on like a party warrior into the night, and then call her again at 8:00. Did I say 9:30? You’ll be home by 8:30 and you’ll feel sad and confused and NOT EVEN KNOW YOURSELF ANYMORE, MAN parking outside the house, then you’ll find her eating frozen cheesecake and dabbing away tears watching “Sixteen Candles” on NetFlix and you’ll press your ear against her belly and think “How did I get to be so lucky?”
And, about that: get used to this question: How did I get to be so lucky? You will look backwards down the Barton Fink-ish hallway (Oh, say goodbye to the Coen brothers. For that matter, forget movies without cartoon dogs or elephants in them even exist. Just let it go.) of your life and think “What did I do to deserve this amazing thing?”
Your new life is in there, rolling over, head-butting mommy’s bladder, resting up to pop out and Change Everything. You think you know what “Change Everything” means. You don’t. You are strapped to the front of a speeding locomotive called “50,000 of Human Evolution.” Brace yourself. You will laugh and cry more in the next year than you have in your entire life combined. You will see things on the news that confuse, astonish and anger you where you used to just see one or two people talking into a camera. You will notice other people’s children and find them beautiful, but trust me, you have never seen anyone so beautiful as mommy’s little backache sleeping in there.
Kiss mommy gently as she sleeps. You’re both going to be covered in poop, snot, vomit and piss soon enough, so enjoy each other, even if you’re not feeling particularly sexy.
Hold mommy’s hand as she’s falling asleep. She’ll tell you in a couple of years that she wondered those last few weeks if she might die in childbirth, but she didn’t tell you because she was worried she’d frighten you, too. DON’T BRING THIS UP NOW- if she thinks you’re thinking about it, then that’ll give those fears even more power in her mind. Just hold her hand. Even if you’re just looking at facebook on your laptop or watching Letterman- reach over and hold her hand. She’s got Big Fear she’s not talking about.
Did I already say to kiss her gently as she sleeps? Do it again. Maybe once more after that.
She’s about to give you so much.
Beautiful, Patrick!
<3. Patrick, this Veteran Mom thanks the cosmos for dads like you. On behalf of wives and mothers everywhere, thank you for the kindness and understanding.
He gets it! BEAUTIFUL and THANKS!
Oh my GAWD!!!
The first one had me in tears laughing- This one just brought on the waterworks.
Blissful *KISS* Youre amazing
I laughed my ass off at the article, and then cried a little when I realized that in about 6 months or less, I’m fucked. I knew that I didn’t know anything about anything pregnancy or baby-related, but now, I really KNOW.
I chuckled at some of the comments, cried a little more when people made it even more clear how truly fucked I am.
And then I get to this gem, and I sob, and I sob, because it made me realize how much of a dipshit my hubby is, and how fucked he is too. I only hope that my hubby comes to this kind of clarity after our baby has been here a while, but I’m not holding out much hope. Especially as he pouts beside me because I wouldn’t cook him chicken for supper as the smell of it sends my pregnant ass to the toilet for a good ol’ puke. For shame, the dipshit should be happy that I even bothered cooking after that nonsense, too damn spoiled. Like I said before, fucked, and he doesn’t even know it yet.
Honestly, I am trying not to complain about pregnancy thus far, as I’m truly blessed to even BE pregnant after battling infertility for 2 years. Yes I puked, yes I was nauseous and tired and I felt like my tits were going to explode if anything brushed up against them, but so many have it so much worse. I know it is going to get worse after this little slice of heaven called second trimester, so I’m saving the small amount of bitching that is acceptable from a pregnant woman for when I really need it. Yes, I will absolutely refuse to cook something that I have an aversion to, because why the fuck am I cooking food that a) is going to make me throw up b) I will not eat, and c) is going to turn me off to food for the rest of the night as the smell lingers in the air meanwhile, my belly aches with hunger. None of that makes me a whiny pregnant lady, does it? Lol, lady. Apparently with a sailor’s mouth that I’m going to have to learn to keep zipped once this little creature is born. Otherwise I will be the talk of daycare with my toddler’s “colourful language”, ha! ;)
Love, love, love the article. Also love the daddy version!! *tear* So sweet!
And it only gets better when they become teenagers! But you are right – the love you feel makes it all worth it…
Having read through most of the replies, I wanted to leave a comment to tell you how brilliant this is. Some people just don’t seem to get the light-heartedness of your post – I guess you either get the humour or you don’t. *shrug*
As someone that works extensively with 1-7 yr olds and their parents every day and as a thinking-about-it-soon-but-as-yet-not-a-mum, I think you’re all goddamn saints. Seriously. A bit mad, but still saints.
Thanks :-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
These stories are amazing!
I have a 21-year old daughter and 19-year old son and have been a single parent for 19 years.
The disappearance of common sense with pubescent boys that does not return anytime soon is completely evident with my son. He has moments of ‘awareness’, but generally I just shake my head.
My late Mom had 13 children of which I’m the 12th. She raised 8 as a single Mom, working the nightshift and then taking evening classes for 3 years to get her Health Care Aide Diploma.
So, our beloved Nanny is my baseline when I feel overwhelmed, cuz I have only ever had 2 kids to handle!
This was a fun way to start my day in chilly Ottawa, Ontario Canada. Thanks for the stories and smiles.
Cathy!
One of my daughter’s friends posted this on facebook and I had my morning smile.
The worst is young mothers who pass judgment on mothers of teenagers. “Oh, I’d never let my child do that”. So easy to say when you are effectively in control of your child’s every movement.
Just wait … just wait! Strap your seatbelts on ladies, the ride is about to get rough.
I’m scared shitless of teenagers!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Wow lighten up people it was meant to be FUNNY and that’s what it was, HILARIOUS. I have had FIVE natural births one at home with NO ONE ELSE present and for me it was the only way to birth. Each to their own but that’s not the point she was making IT’S FUNNY. Some people really need to work on their sense of humor!
and once you have your baby, cherish it. Don’t throw it down your friends throats who may not have a baby yet, remember listen to everyone’s advice and pick and choose what you want to do with it.
You’re not a better human because you’re a mother, you’re a mother, congratulations.
Wicked funny! Although an epi-dural-free childbirth was never even discussed in my “birthing plan”. (Ha! “birthing plan” what a joke!!) As far as I know, no one gets a medal or trophy for childbirth without drugs. And for those of you without children questioning this blog asking, “Why would anyone want children? You make it sound frustrating, exhausting, and so complicated…blah blah blah” . Well, it’s because it is!! Duh!! And it’s the best thing you’ll ever do in your life. Worth every bit of puke, stress, worry etc. when look into your little ones eyes and they hug and kiss you and say “I love you Mommy”. It’s the best thing I could ever do and I wouldn’t change a thing. Have a kid if you’re ready and able. You’ll learn pretty quick. Don’t be so damn judgmental!
I feel exactly the same way. I was scared shitless of becoming a mom. My son’s sperm donor has never been in his life but I am now married to the greatest man that loves him like he is his own.
Anyway….The love you have for your children is indiscribible (sp?). It really does make up for all the sleepless nights, the times you have been pissed on, puked on, snotted on, and shit on. When your child climbs up in your lap and says “Mommy, I love you”, you will melt. I cannot imagine my life without his rotten ass. He makes my life worth something.
One of the best things I’ve ever read.
best thing I’ve read in forever!!! LOVE IT! And oh so true! Will be sharing this one for sure!
Wait until you have a full grown teenager that thinks you”re an idiot that’s never been in their shoes before. That you know nothing about being a teenager or life itself. So much fun! Even though you want to strangle what sense they do have out, you will love them through it.
Oh that is so spot on.
Thank you for scaring me into the best idea ive ever had. I just decided I will be childless for life. Thanks again!
You and me both Noelle!
Oh what a hoot! I was a young mum also. My first girl was an angel, slept through the night from 5 weeks, walked n talked early, never had a bad moment really… then when she was 2.5 I had identical twins girls.. and lets just say O M G! They made up for any misconceptions having an angel first gave me on how “other” parents should do things.. they were hell on legs, had to padlock the fridge all cupboards, dead bolt front and backdoors at all times and sleep with one eye open.. When they were 7 we were surprised with news of our 4th daughter on the way, when she was 14 months daughter number 5 made like twins all over again.. then last shot at a boy gave us our 6th beautiful baby girl and thankfully another angel like the first. I miss full nights sleep, house staying clean n tidy for more than 5 secs and having a quiet convo without having any of the middle 4 come in screaming about something oh and baths without having at least one kid find the need to chat at that exact moment.. With 3 teens and 3 under 6 I believe I’ve mastered the art of multitasking.. not just actions, I can even hold 4 conversations simultaneously lol. After my 4th daughter sanity left a sad farewell note and loopy gave a warm welcome to the family. :)
Might I add for all those missunderstanding the humor and choose no to having kids… you are going to miss out on the amazing journey of a lifetime! I love all 6 of my little girls and would never change a thing.. except maybe… nah cant think of anything :)
Omg, this was a riot! I was reading this and some of the other comments remembering the time my son, at 2 1/2, “painted” my daughter, then about 16 months, … with butt cream! That’s what I get for thinking they are playing nicely in one of the bedrooms. :)
LOL Very funny and mostly true!
You have no idea what’s coming until the baby is really there. The only part I didn’t agree with, was the part about the book about natural birth. I had two kids with no epidural, it didn’t kill me :-) But yes, if you can find the manual for Baby that never sleeps or Baby that cries all the times, OMG, read it now!!!!! LOL
I get one “day off”per year. I ask for it as a birthday present. It’s three months away, and I am fantasizing about it everyday. Incidentally, if you hear a story on the evening news about a woman by herself turning cartwheels down the aisle of the shopping mall on or around 4/17, that would be me.
Wow, your life sounds like shit.
Oh, I was so the ‘We will never have a dvd player in the car’ mom, until I had more than 1 kid. When we bought our new car to accommodate baby #3 however, it was all I could do not to scream ‘shut up and take my money’ to the salesman when he started his upsale shpeal.
And I now take advantage of the childcare and showers at our local parks and rec facility. Oldest is in ballet, middle is playing in germland, youngest is napping at home with the husband and I get a sweet, solitary 5 minutes of mildly warm water.
Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) recently posted..Handmade Gifts: The Captain’s Football Scarf!
Oh my goodness, what a good read, it’s nice real honest moms exist. I have 5. The oldest is 28 and the youngest is 13. Girl, boy, girl, boy, girl…..
My oldest was an avid painter…..and any of you who has/had a painter knows what I mean. Oh and get into stuff…..It didn’t matter what time you got up, she was up a half hour earlier…I suppose I could have opted not to sleep, but I didn’t think of that….. >_<
I can't tell you how many time I sat on the floor crying as I was scrubbing up the messes she made. Her diaper, her brothers diaper, flour, rice, sugar, any open able container, bag, and could she climb anything, only canned food was safe.
But she lived and so did I. I also never cursed my children (I was tempted) you know the mothers curse? My mom cursed me LOL I didn't have the heart to do it to them. My middle daughter was quite critical of my parenting, I enjoy it now though….she has two little boys hehehehehe She is a pretty good sport about it though and we both have a good laugh about their antics :)
Very entertaining! However I wish that, even in humor, that one wouldn’t encourage women to “tap out” at 3 centimeters and get a drug that has been known to slow labor, make babies less responsive, and encourages labor on the back, instead of a more natural position.
You sound perfect, I think you should have Atleast 5 kids!
This was my story of my first birth. After the stomach flu for 2 days then labor for 21 hours, I was only 3 cm, “tapped out,” and got the epidural. Funny though that the second birth (with NO epidural), I was picked up and placed on my back from a standing position. It was at a birth center… I just think that during labor and delivery shit can get crazy and decisions are made in the moment no matter whether it’s natural, hospital, c-section, etc.
I do, however, strongly encourage my first time mom friends and family to spend much more time on preparing for the baby than the birth.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
SO GREAT!!! I wish I knew you in person!!!!!
I have 3 boys, 9, 12 and sixteen. All insane and wide opening. I’m NEVER amazed at what they do. I started out as the “perfect” preggo mom to be and then the perfect one child judgemental mom. Boy did karma get me! I will never forget the Xmas eve when the oldest (6 at the time) came into our bedroom at 230 in the morning hysterical that Santa was never coming back because of his 2 year old brother. We went to the living room to find that our little one had eaten santas cookies and them pooped on the floor next to the tree. It’s funny now but that night was a long bad night! However my oldest loves sharing that with all the 12 year old girls that like his brother!
Oh my goodness I needed this today…I haven’t laughed this much since, well, since I was single and childless! Even the comments are funny (except for the haters, but whatcha gonna do?) I do love my boys, but I’ve often thought about taking them to North Africa to trade them for donkeys (my wonderful roommates arranged a trade for ME while we were travelling in college…I’m hoping little boys fetch the same going rate as college coeds, lol.) And I’m joking people. Mostly. ;)
Awesome writing! Unlike many others, I found most friends & family un-judgy (or maybe kept their mouths shut). It was me with no idea.
I borrowed a library book when pregnant called ‘confident parenting’ but never read it cos I was so cocksure I’d be one. Baaaahaha! Should put down the preg books for 5 minutes & actually read the one about parenting, could sure use some tips!!
wow! lol funniest thing I have read lately.. thank you. good stuff : ) I cant imagine a mom who wont appreciate that.
my son just turned 2.5 and i could pull my hair out some days.
after i had his baby sister he decided one day to go outside without me .. i found the house to quite and wondered where he had went..well i look at my back door and its open….i panic and think he went further then he really did..after having a new born and a two yr old.. thats the day i went and bought the child safety door locks. but they only seemed to help for a little while…
then when his little sister was maybe 3months old he bolted out into the road while i put his sister in the car and almost got hit i caught him just in time.
So true!
I am still laughing so hard, two of my children are grown and I look at the “new” mommies and think Oh boy you have a long road ahead! You have a fabulous sense of humor!! Thank you for the laugh keep letting all of us live through you.
omg i did look forward to going to the dentist. i just had to lie down and open my mouth and i had silence for almost a whole hour.
“I will never buy my child a Bratz Doll.” “My child will NEVER watch televison” “I will read diligently to my child every night.” My child won’t taste a drop of pop until they are 12.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have done every single one of those things and now she’s ten and with my pre-parent judgment I would have thought she’d be in juvie by now. But no, in the big picture, they don’t mean a thing. She doesn’t dress like a hooker, spend hours in front of a TV, is not illiterate, and actually does make healthy food choices.
If I could I would go back and slap myself. Before I became pregnant I remember having conversations about bf and saying how anyone who doesnt or quits is “lazy”. I have a nutrition degree and thought I knew everything. I was only able to bf for 9 weeks. I had major problems from the getgo and after seeing 7 different lactation consultants then finding out my daughter has a milk allergy i had to stop.
Besides that I don’t think I was that judgemental. But I loved your post. Though I have found the people who are most judgmental are the ones who have no kids and are not yet pregnant, or the grandmas. I have been criticized many times by grandmas while at the store. I can’t wait for my sister in law to have kids, it’s going to be hilarious :)
Oh this made me laugh – currently pregnant on my 3rd and one of my friends on her first. She wants to go to the beautician and have herself waxed, manicured and pedicured for birth. I pissed myself laughing and told her about the time on my second I had a bowel movement on the table and that the midwifes dont really care about her vags hairstyle. This is so true….she cried 3 weeks ago because she got a stretch mark – hello my belly is like a map to Mordor!!!!
Note to self: Never have kids. Problem solved!
I laughed my head off when reading this…I am a mother of twins.. They are five now…I thought six months of bed rest was difficult…I might give a limb to be able to sit, eat and watch just about anything on tv..I was so concerned about baby announcements, room set up and believe me I had my opinions about parenting…as a teacher in my previous life, I have actually apologized to parents of previous students in the grocery store for knowing NOTHING about parenting!
Oh soooo true! Thanks for looking inside my head an writing it down. Brings to mind a favourite song of mine “if I could turn back time” lol Great post xo
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So my children were all little angels …not,from a very young age consisting of cereal spills, burns,climbing falls,biking accidents,then they started getting older and reallly lost their brain cells.Jumping off school roofs breaking bones hospitaal visits ..it goes on and on and my so called children are all grown up some with kids of thier own and I nstill get calls from the hosp.Good luck
This post ROCKS!! I was laughing while shaking my head in agreement, as a mom of 7 I know this all too well.
You are one miserable human being. This is why we should demand IQ tests and work ethic testing for people who want to have children. I’m sure your child will be one well adjusted kid from having you as a mother. When he’s laying on the shrinks couch with mommy issues, I’m pretty sure he can point to this as one of the cornerstones for why he’s popping lithium.
Wow! Your an asshole. Either your a troll or it is just your normal deposition. I have no idea how you got miserable from the post.
Actually it’s YOU’RE genius. And seeing as simple grammar is obviously a major issue for you, I wouldn’t expect you to understand how much of a curmudgeon she sounds like.
OK, how about this one? You are a dick. IQ testing before we are allowed to have children? You are fucking insane. Some of the best parents are ones that do not have genius level IQs. Maybe you should jump down off of your high horse and a stick your dick in an electrical outlet because we sure as hell don’t need any more of you running around.
I suppose “matt” isn’t aware that lithium is for bipolar disorder, which is a very serious disorder that ruins people’s lives. Not something to make light of and not something that you can “give” to someone.
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Even though you sound like a totally charming gentleman, I would like to suggest you take a long walk off a short plank. You should possibly remove the stick from your ass while you’re at it. I’m sure if IQ tests were a requirement to procreate, you would probably be castrated. Maybe you need to re-evaluate your life, and your *mommy issues*, and lay the fuck off of the decent woman, with an amazing sense of humor, who is probably a better parent on her absolute worst day, than you would be on your best day. With that, I just want to say, fuck off, Sir. Maybe before you decide to post about how horrible a person is, you should take a long look in the mirror. Hell, I don’t guess that your views on parenting really matter, from your wonderful disposition, you probably couldn’t find a woman to willingly fuck you, anyway. Without payment in advance, that is.
Hey, Matt, while I notice grammar errors as well, perhaps you should note the missing apostrophe in your own comment (shrink’s couch) before demanding IQ tests and calling out Amanda’s misuse of your.
And while you may call Kelly a “curmudgeon”, she at least has a sense of humor. You’re just an ass.
You think this is funny? No wonder the phrase “people are stupid” carries so much weight. Grow up ya twat
And here we go with the grammar again “ya” is slag and is not accepted for civilized conversations as we are now having the correct term would be “you” which if YOU can see is spelled Y-O-U not Y-A and twat is also not a word that is accepted in civilized conversations and by the way the phrase “people are stupid” carries so much weight is because of some people lack of intelligence and jerkiness like yours and please don’t correct my spelling because I don’t go around saying “ya” like your stupidness
This is great stuff! I have an eleven week old baby girl and I can honestly say I did stress about stupid stuff when I was pregnant. No one can prepare you for what happens after birth. Sleep while you can!
Use your imaginations everyone, I have 5 :) Two boys and three girls :)
I think I must have been the only person in existence that when people asked me “Oh I bet you just can’t wait to get that baby out of there!” I replied with a “No, she is MUCH easier to take care of while she’s in there!” Pregnancy was wonderful, uncomfortable, exciting, scary. Giving birth was much the same. But nothing had me quaking in my shoes so much as the idea of being “Mommy”. When she was 1, people warned me about the “terrible twos”, my response, “Terrible twos is not my fear, I’m still BIGGER than she is at two. It’s her TEENS that strike fear in my heart!” But for now she is nine, I’m still (barely) bigger than she is, and she lights up my world. If anything, I judge myself harder now than I ever did when I was pregnant. But only because she instills in me the desire to be the best I can be. Worrying about the little things during pregnancy and surviving them is just one more stripe you earn in the path of parenthood. To look back on yourself with derision, to mock those fears and worries, is unfair. Accept the experience, the feelings that went with them, stand up and be proud of your growth. :-)
I read blog posts like this, and yes, I understand that’s it meant to be lighthearted and a commentary on one woman’s (and from the comments, many women’s) experience with birth and kids. There is comfort in identifying in someone’s story.
Despite that it saddens me that as women we are still so harsh on our bodies. The people who should identify with us most (women) are often most critical. I look at my friends who are mamas as the goddesses they are whether they have perky breasts or breasts that are heavy with milk for the life they carry. They are all life givers and beautiful. If only we could embrace it and make THAT the norm.
Tell me five paragraphs about “the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists”, rather than stick it at the end as the “don’t worry, it will all work out” disclaimer. To my pregnant friend I would say that I’m not going to share the misery of losing my pre-baby body with you. Instead I’m going to help you see the miracle you are and the miracle you made. I’ll pass that forward instead of this post.
LOVE LOVE your post! So funny and it brought me some comfort :)
This letter was fantastically entertaining! The comments that followed, however, made me wonder why such hostility toward first-time pregnant ladies… I mean, sure it’s “cute” that we have no idea what we’re doing yet, but it seems like everyone’s looking forward to seeing us fall flat on our faces. Can’t we get a little positive encouragement? I swear we’re not all uppity assbags…
I don’t love posts like this. I agree it’s all true, and ultimately, people should go into parenting realistic and aware, but I think it comes across as very negative. You have one line at the end that states the love is worth it…but everything else is awful.
I guess it’s good for women to share stories and feel like they’re “not alone.” But at the same time, it makes parenting seem like misery and that you can’t wait for others to be afflicted with the same misery as you….. I have two step children that we have 50% of them time, and I’ve raised them half the time since they were 2 and 4, they are now almost 7 and 9. I am pregnant with my first.
I missed their baby stage, and I’ve had breaks since I only have kids half the time, so I know this will be a major adjustment- one I am very worried about. However, so much of what you read online is so negative about parenting! Parents come online to vent when things are overwhelming – and I know for a fact that I have gotten overwhelmed with my stepkids and that it happens- and will happen even more when we have 3 and one all the time.
However, people don’t seem to come online to share the great things – like how you re-live your childhood through their little eyes. And how you have this incredible energy and laughter in your house. And how holidays have new meaning and a family unit provides a sense of purpose and love.
There is plenty that I am terrified of…and I am going into this with my eyes wide open…..but I’m still constantly shocked at HOW MANY exceedingly negative parenting posts are online. If people just looked online about parenting- no one would be parents.
I agree not everyone should have a child, and I fully support those who choose not to- and understand that choice. BUT- to highlight the negatives all the time…enough. Life has higher higher and lower lows when you have kids. And you are not necessarily going to be “happier” with kids than without – in fact, maybe the other way around.
But with anything in life — what you put in is what you get out. I am going to have breakdowns – for sure. And I’ll be spit up on- absolutely. I’m sure I will have poo all over the house at some point (and God knows I have with my dog during a very sick episode as well) but I’ll also have a family….and that’s a beautiful thing.
Oh my gosh yes, you just said what I was thinking! I know the article is all in good fun, but when I look passed the sarcasm and the jokes, I still find that from some of these stories, motherhood is a life that I’m terrified to live! There are so many pieces out there that make parenting sound awful! but then at the end they always, always say it’s “worth it”. Maybe it is, but man. I wish there were more posts about the positives. Balance things out a little!
This is really depressing. Can someone tell me why you would ever want to have kids, because from everything I’ve read here you all are miserable.
HAHAHAHA..DONT READ THESE SELF OBSESSED WOMEN!
BUSY – REALLY BUSY? THINK ABOUT IT- IF YOU WERE THAT BUSY COULD U SETT DOWN AND WRITE THIS SHIT?? HELL NO!
ALL THESE “MOMS” DO IF PLAY ON THE NET ALL DAY AND TAKE PIC’S OF THERE KIDS AS ITS THE LATEST “FAD” TO DO!
HAHAHA – BUSY ISN’T UPDATING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS AND UPLOADING A HALF A DOZEN PICS OF YOUR BABY A DAY – COMMMONNNN!!!!! PEOPLE ON HERE MAKE ME SICK- MAKE ALL OURS OLDER GENERATIONS SICK!!!
SERIOUSLY SHOULD NEVER HAVE A CHILD IF YOU FIND TIME IN YOUR DAY TO READ AND RESPOND TO THIS!!! ME – I HAVE A DOG.. NO CHILD AND IF I DID I CERTAINLY WOULD NOT SPEND MY DAY ON THE NET – WOULD SPEND IT WITH MY CHILD…EDUCATING HIM OR HER..ENTERTAINING..SOCAILIZING…ANYTHING BUT THE INTEREST COUCH POTATOES….HAHAH SO ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION..HAVE A CHILD IF YOUR NOT LIKE THESE SELF OBSESSED LOSER’S!!!!
God you are one judgmental bitch. Kids do take naps, they do go to preschool or grade school—-high school even, they do spend time with the rest of the family. Just because we have kids does not mean we have to be up their asses all day long. Good Lord, you have to give them some independence.
Oh and you don’t have kids, but you say that when you do you will spend all your time with the kid. Good luck with that.
hahhhahahaha u got to much time on your hands!!!
ur kids r prolly stupid as fuck…neglected by their mom!
get a job…get a life…something! Get off the internet u so called “mom”
U are the mom i put down..u are The worst…kill yourself slut
ps…BIRTH CONTROL!!!!
First of all it’s “too” not “to”.
My kid is not stupid, he is actually very smart, probably smarter than you. And he is three.
He is far from neglected, I stay home with him all day so I can be the one to raise him, not a fucking babysitter.
I am on the internet a lot because I am a full time college student and all of my classes are online so unless I want to flush $60,000 down the shitter, I won’t be getting off the internet any time soon.
And you want me to go kill myself? Will that make you feel better, little bitch?
I’m a slut because I have a child? No, the slut is the bitch down the street that doesn’t know who the father of one of her 6 kids is.
I don’t need birth control because hopefully, at some point, I can have another baby. Something I hope you never have because if you do that child is going to be one fucked up kid.
Oh my gosh yes, you just said what I was thinking! I know the article is all in good fun, but when I look passed the sarcasm and the jokes, I still find that from some of these stories, motherhood is a life that I’m terrified to live! There are so many pieces out there that make parenting sound awful! but then at the end they always, always say it’s worth it. Maybe it is, but man. I wish there were more posts about the positives. Balance things out a little!
Funny post – but what would you say to a woman struggling with infertility for five years?
What if a childless woman wants more than anything the chance to be a mother, but no number of IUIs or IVFs seem to work? What if she is stranded in adoption waitinglist purgatory for the past two years, with sign of change coming?
What if a childless woman who experienced this actually started trying to have children in her mid 20s, thinking that she was not waiting too long?
What if that same childless woman had deliberately chosen an education and career in teaching, instead of accounting or law school, with the express purpose of hoping to have a career that better allows her more opportunity to spend time with her anticipated children – that never seem to be coming – and now feels like its too late to try to go back to law school or whatever other graduate program she once thought about? What if it feels too late for a career change?
What if this same childless woman worries that her husband may someday want to move on to a woman who can actually have children?
What would you say to that woman? Would you still tell her how great things are for women without children? Would you still make jokes about how naive childless women are?
I only hope to one day have the opportunity to experience the things you describe. At least that chance was available to you, and it was a choice you had. Not all women are so lucky.
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. I have known family members and friends who have gone through, but I have not experienced this so I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I actually did not exactly mean that things are so great before kids because I can’t even imagine what life was like before. I more meant like what a friggin’ wimp I was before!
I hope that things head in the right direction for you.
You know what I don’t understand? I don’t understand why people always must try to make a person feel like shit. I am truly sorry for the infertility issues you have. I have suffered from infertility. I have lost several pregnancies. I have been blessed with my oldest, whom I adopted. He is my husband’s biological son. And I have also had 2 more sons. In between my sons I suffered losses. My heart broke every month I wasn’t pregnant. Little pieces of me died with every baby I lost. Even with that, I would never intentionally make the owner of this blog, who wrote this post in all honesty. Parenting is fucking hard. You never know if you are fucking up that tiny life that you have been entrusted with. Parenting is disgusting. Parenting is messy. No matter what your issues are, it is not *Kelly’s* fault that you can not have children. It is not *Kelly’s* intention to warn people off of ever having children. All *Kelly* is doing is writing an honest, light hearted, humorous post, about HER experiences. About HER life. I’m sorry that you have the issues that you have, but maybe reading humorous parenting blogs isn’t what you need to be doing at this point in your life. I’m sure if you were given a baby tomorrow, your outlook would change. You would see the humor, you would relate to what she is saying. And, yes, you are bitter. Life has given you a shitty hand. I have been in your position. I was bitter, too. Do I also need to mention that I lost my baby girl to SIDS when she was 2 months old? I have been through it all, and have came out stronger. I can still laugh at posts like this, because I take them at face value. For anyone else questioning “Why would you even want to have children, if it’s so bad?” Don’t ask stupid fucking questions. If reading a blog seals your fate on procreating, then you shouldn’t have considered having kids in the first place. Jesus people, if you aren’t in a place where you can laugh at what is meant to be humorous, THEN DON”T READ IT! Being a mother is the single most stressful thing in my life. It’s the hardest job I will ever have. It’s probably the grossest, and dirtiest, too. That being said, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I grieve everyday over my angel babies. Losing my infant almost drove me insane. I did not want to continue my life. But I did. I have been blessed with the children I have. And even though I’ve been through the hardest thing a parent will ever face, I can still thank Kelly for this post, because it is spot on.
I can’t have pregnancies neither (I have severe osteopenia). I’m 27 years old, I found out a year ago and it breaks my heart every. single. day. Knowing that my husband will never leave early to come and put his ear in my stomach is the WORST feeling ever.
And you know what? I laugh my ass off reading this post.
The fact that you can’t have childrens doesn’t allow you to tell other people what they can or what they can’t say! How rude of you to come here and lecture the OWNER of the house! Missy, go buy a bag of sense of humor.
Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, write a book titled “What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby?” Dead serious. An advice book written in the amazing tone and humor you have… I would read the hell out of that book.
I second that!
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Lol, that might require me actually having figured out what I’m doing ;-)
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K8zo, thank you! Oh where to start…this is an awful post! I am a mother of two children here on earth and two in heaven. Before I lost my babies I would have laughed at this post mostly, except for the pushing of an epidural and doubting the breathing techniques.
Now I know better through educating my self and now I can do better! I advocate for education, education , education…educate your self of all risk to child and mother through labor using these choices..and know that even though there is great pain it is normal and natural and you can do it! Surrounds your self with women who believe in you.
Yes your gonna need support, but I would never complain like this why because it’s worth it a million times over and I know that in a second it can all be gone! If you haven’t lost a baby you won’t understand fully what I am saying. But think hard about it!
Your children can teach you so much! Take the messes they make the situations you’ll find yourself in as learning opportunities.
May I suggest a web site..drmomma.org this page my open your eyes to what you’ve been missing as a mother…another fantastic place to find wonderful loving information is http://playathomemom3.blogspot.com if feel sad about your blog, there is another way to think and feel about being a Mom and better way to deal with your children!
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through or what you’ve dealt with. I’m sorry that the Internet cannot filter my (or any) writing that you find offensive. Thank you for sharing the website.
You poor momma’s, lol. I was one of the lucky ones whose baby always slept throught the night and didn’t cry (that came later like around 3 or so), but the most awful story came from my mother-in-law about my husband. She worked 12 hour nights for 20 years + and one morning while she was napping waiting for him to get up and start the day (he was about 2 or so), she says she must have fell actually asleep, what woke her up was little giggles coming from the kitchen and the odd sound of his little motorcycle big-wheel riding toy (!!!). Now up to that point he was notorious for the kitchen supplies dumping game, flour, sugar, ketchup so mom-in-law was on her feet only to be stopped dead in her tracks in the kitchen doorway. Already a rough and tumble boy, he had taken off his poopy diaper and had laid it open next to their round kitchen table, there he made his very own circular dirt track for his “bike”, lol. She said she was so disgusted but laughed so hard that she cried.
You left the fact that you’ll believe that you are really the first person to ever raise an infant, that your pediatrician will always be right (even when he/she says teething babies don’t run fevers) and that your relatives and parents (who by definition have raised at least one infant successfully) don’t know anything.
Love it! Especially the part about trying not to pee your pants…story of my life. When did sneezing become terrifying?
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OMG, never crossed my legs so much!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
If any of you ever thought that having and raising children was a walk in the park, you were are delusional! Parenthood is the hardest work, anyone can do. It’s not for the feint-hearted, the self-centered, the foolish, or the timid. Also, outcomes are not guaranteed. So take it from this 64 year old married mother of three, with eight grandchildren, life is what YOU make it! Hang on tight, it is quite a ride!
OKAY OKAY OKAY!
IF YOU “MOMS” WERE SOOO BUSY WOULD YOU REALLY…REALLY HAVE TIME TO WRITE THESE COMMENTS?
ADD APPROX 5 PIC’S A DAY OF YOUR CHILD TO YOUR FACEBOOK TIMELINE?
UPDATE YOUR STATUS AT LEAST 6 TIMES A DAY??? COMMMMOONNN
PARENTS TODAY!!!!!! R THE PROBLEM WITH THE 2000′TH CENTURY!!!
LETS SEE…JUST HOW MANY “BUSY” MOMS REPLY TO THIS HAHAHAH LOL
BUSY MY ASS!!!
PS. FUCK YOU “BUSY” MOM…GET OFF YOUR ASS AND EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN FOR ONCE…SPEND LESS HOURS ON THE NET AND CONCENTRATE ON THE KID…HAHAHHA THAT IT SELF IS A JOKE HUH
Once again you are a judgmental bitch. You don’t know what is going on in our homes so don’t you dare try to lump us all into a group of shitty mothers. You don’t know anything about being a mom and with the attitude you have you won’t ever be one because no guy is ever going to want to spend that much time with your bitch ass.
FUCK YOU AMBER…bad momma!
Get a life, get off the internet and actually take care of ur neglected kid!!!! LOW LIFE AMBER!!!!
You sure do talk a lot of shit. How about you come to my house and talk that shit. I bet you wouldn’t have the balls to say anything. You are one of those people that likes to talk a bunch of shit behind a computer screen but if it was face to face you wouldn’t say a fucking word. Oh and I missed it the first time I read you post so I will address it now. This is the 21st century, not the 2000th you fucking moron. Maybe if your momma had spent a little more time with you, you wouldn’t be the raging lunatic that you are. And maybe if you had paid attention in, say first grade, you might know that we are a LONG way off from the 2000th century. Lay off the meth, it’s making you fucking stupid.
hahaha amber…calling on a fight – telling a crazy person to come to your house!!! lol doesn’t your kid live there?
Just a regular day huh! hahaha Case and point!
Bad momma Bad momma what u gonna do….get children’s Aid after YOU!!!
hahahahahaha
I love how what i say really grinds your gears!!!
hahaha LOVES IT!!!! really shows your maturity level!!
No, my kid lives across town with a stranger. Of course he lives with me, dipshit. My kid is very well taken care of so CPS can knock on my door whenever they want because my kid is not neglected, beat, starved or anything else that they could be concerned about.
You have managed to “grind my gears”, but you know what? Wait until you have kids. When complete strangers that know nothing about you are telling you that you are a horrible parent, I guarantee, you will go bat shit crazy on their ass, too. My kid is my life and I am a damn good mommy. A low life bitch like you that doesn’t even have kids is not going to tell me otherwise.
Have a great fucking day.
Why does their busy (or not) agenda bother you so much? Live and let live!
OMG! Thank you so fucking much for the laughs! In the midst of my divorce to a dipshit I still love dearly I cry everyday-until I read this! I don’t remember laughing this hard,and yes I did pee myself. Not ashamed to admit it.
Laughter is the best medicine. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Glad I could help with a small bright spot.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
I actually think this was very annoying.
I know this is meant to be funny and light hearted but there are many women who would kill to only have petty things to worry about during pregnancy instead of things like “will this baby make it home with me alive?”
Bad. Ass. Totally true, every bit.
I actually was one of those women that had to worry not only that my baby would survive, but that I would too. I had 3 months in the hospital to think about it everyday before giving birth to a preemie. I didn’t get to worry about “petty” things but I still found this humourous
I find the negative posts about this blog so disturbing. I found it funny and honest. I have 2 kids that are my life. Yes I am on the Internet instead of having a “teaching moment” or some other “quality” time. One kid is away at college and when she called my day got better. My other one is relaxing since finals are over and doing laundry (and that’s my 15 year old son). Even parents need some time to blog or Facebook and “decompress”. As for those of you who desperately want children and are having difficulty, I do know how you feel. I was there. I went through a total of 10 years of fertility before having the family that I have. Pregnancy was scary for me. Was this one going to last past the first 5 or 6 weeks? Then finally giving birth (21 hour labor and emergency c section) I had what I always dreamt about. A beautiful baby. Then what? No books, no articles, nothing could prepare me for what was ahead. My mom and mother in law were there. Not with a ton of advice tho. But there. My friends had all had kids since we started to try first but were the last to actually be successful. Still when it’s you and that baby it’s all gut instinct. This post did not sound miserable to me at all! Having a baby is not easy. Not on the body and on a marriage and not on your mind. I question myself wondering all the time if I did the right thing with regard to my kids. They are amazing people to be around. I love them so completely and with every ounce of my being. I didn’t sleep for years, had a reflux kid who spewed like a fountain and who is also on the mild end of the autism spectrum-he’s the one doing laundry right now. As parents we have been through a lot and yet until I am named mother of the year I will not tell someone how to parent their child. Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done but as parents do get sleep deprived and we do get upset having to clean up the play doh from the carpet or the nail polish or the poopy, pee pee, vomit off wherever the hell it ends up. But just cuz we r tired and sometimes want to cry doesn’t mean that it is not worth it. Would I go back and do it all over. Hell yes! After 21 years I have only one major complaint and no one can help me with it. How can I slow time down! It’s going too fast! This Has been the greatest whirlwind ride ever! My kids didn’t ruin my life any more than the author of this blogs’ children ruined hers. Trolls go away. You clearly are not parents or are so unhappy in your own life that you want to spread your misery to everyone else. Now, shoo, before someone drops a house on you!!!
Thanks for your comments. It does go so fast, and I was aware of it from the moment my first was born because everyone warned me. I tried to slow down time, but then when #2 came, it’s like 5 years passed in just half a year!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
This kind of made me never want to have kids.
Everyday I spend with my baby I learn I was wrong about something else that I judged other mothers for. Turns out I’m not an all knowing mom guru. Who Knew. Awesome post
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I am almost 60 years old…Three adult children and 10 grandchildren…I was a stay-at-home mom for 25 years and have been taking care of my grandchildren for 6 years as they come and my children head back to jobs…I laughed so hard I couldn’t read thru the tears…Well done…
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Some people are just too serious – that being said, I loved this. As a mom with a 2nd child on the way, I can totally relate. I remember when I was pregnant with my 1st I picked up “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and was so freaked out by chapter 3 I never picked it up again. For all those who are going on about how SAHM’s have it easy – you have no idea. I’m only online because my daughter is napping and I’m sick with the flu. If I were feeling well dinner would be on the table, my house would be clean and I would have my daughter up and getting ready for bed. But, I’m human and can’t do it all. I admit I’m far from perfect. And I need my down time as much as anyone. For all those who feel judged, it’s just not worth letting others opinions get you down. For those of you who are judging, it’s your opinion and you’re entitled. That being said, there’s really no reason to get nasty on the comments section of a blog just meant to be lighthearted and amusing.
Well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I used to work full time when my first was a baby and hated it. Now, I only have to work part time, and my mental status has definitely improved now that I get more time with my children; however, I have to say that my hat goes off to SAHM’s because it’s SO hard to be home all day and all night every day with no break.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
Oh my God… If I didn’t know for sure, I would have thought I’d writtent this. I love to write this way and may start thanks to you. People have told me I need to tone it down at bit, but really where’s the truth in that! This was so true and as a mother of 4, I can validate every little detail! I’m sure you’re a fantastic mom! Congrats. :) I look forward to reading more and sharing this.
My biggest fear of having children is becoming a parent like YOU. Non-parents are judgmental? Have you read your own writing? Or are you completely in denial about how you judge everyone else?
Just because you popped out a few puppies doesn’t make you any better of a person, except in your own narrow mind. Get over yourself.
I didn’t realize that I was under myself. Woah, major social faux pas. Thanks for the heads up.
You seem to have come out from under a rock if you think referring to your pre-child self, and by extension everyone else who has had a kid yet, as “Judgey McKnows-It-All,” can be construed as anything more than the typical holier-than-thou parental soliloquy of how all those childless souls out there are so deeply ignorant of the reality of life.
Guess what, they let any jerk out there become a parent, and that may well include you. It does not make you special and it certainly doesn’t make you smart or insightful.
I may still yet have kids, but if I do, it will be in spite of reading horrible, pompous things like this.
You’re pretty :-)
Thanks so much for actually addressing these issues!
Holy shit, Alex. What the hell is wrong with you? Yes, please do the world a favor and follow through with your plans: do not breed.
Alex, If everything on this site bothers you, why are you here?
I LOVE THIS!!!!!
Ugh, I get so sick of the myth that women who want natural childbirth can’t actually do it and end up screaming and begging for an epidural at 3 cm. That’s what you always see in the movies right? Such a silly stereotype, and so demeaning to women. I went to the hospital at 7 cm with my first, 9 cm with the next one, never begged or cried for any drugs, none of the stereotypical junk you see in movies. So, speak for yourself and stop stereotyping women! All of our birth experiences are uniquely are own.
This is a letter to myself, so I was speaking for myself.
I did actually have a natural birth the second time, and I did do the “stereotypical” thing and screamed like a fucking nut. I guess I don’t have a high pain tolerance.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
My son is six and a half, and I still can’t jump rope for fear of wetting myself! His 14 and a half inch head scared me away from having another child. So far anyway! He’s an awesome little dude though, so I forgive him lol
Little dudes are the best ;-)
Don’t blame you for not wanting another after that 14.5 inch head though!!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
Absolutely hilarious!!
I’ve never had any children of my own- atleast not yet. But, I’ve been a surrogate mother/nanny for years. YES, there are women out there with the means who literally drop off their newborn with a paid professional. Shocking right? I’ve raised many children for the first two or three years of their lives. I arrive when they wake and leave when they drift off to sleep. Its been an amazing experience I would never trade for anything. I’ve seen my fair share of first steps and awe inspiring first words. There are many caregivers out there who aren’t birth parents and never recieve any of the credit but do everything and more than you’ve described in your endearing article. Just thought I’d bring that to light.
Interesting… on one hand, I feel sad if the kids are distant from their parents. On the other hand, I feel happy that they have a loving caregiver like you!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
I just love the parents that say ‘my child won’t have tantrums, etc’. Yep, good luck with that ;)
Hahahahahahhahahahhaha, yes I agree!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
I am a grandmother of 2 (5 & 10)and 1 on the way and the mother of three, 34, 30 and 23…..I started early so I didn’t really have any expectations or ideas on how to parent just had what I saw and lived with my parents (and they were great parents)…… I have experienced most of what you all have. Yes there are fears, exhaustion & tears but above all I had the laughter and the love I wasn’t always the best mother but I gave it my best and that is all any of us can do in the end….parenting is the hardest job in the world and it’s also and more importantly the BEST job in the world. I wouldn’t change a thing even my mistakes because that’s how you learn!! Oh and the grandchildren, they are my life now but yes I do love the fact that I can send them home!!!
Oh my… I LOVE this… thanks for the laugh. So funny b/c it is sooooo true :)
Funny! As a guy, I was all set to laugh freely – none of it applies to me! oh wait, the child rearing does, as I well remember – but I would happily do that all over again (would need to be a few decades younger, of course…)
Couple of glitches – I think it’s a “mu-mu” not a “moo moo” however bovine the new mom may feel! And I don’t think it’s “tots” that karma is going to replace….
But HAH!
wetting my pants as I sit here laughing at all that is true!!!! God bless old age and a tired bladder with a mind of its own!!!!!
Wetting my pants as I read this and laughing! God Bless the weak bladder and old age inflicted on me!!!
You need to get your head out of your ass. You should keep your negative thoughts to yourself. I give my condolences to your kids and family for being made to feel responsible for your misery. You are basically spitting on people who can’t have children, and you have taken for granted the ability to have children. Think before you speak.
I’m ecstatic to say I am going to be a first time mom. After being told I was infertile, I conceived on my own and now have a miracle growing inside of me. I have goals and dreams about this pregnancy and motherhood and don’t need to have this squashed by someone who wants to belittle the process. This is the best and most amazing gift I have ever and will ever receive, and I hope every woman has the chance to go through it. And I completely empathize with those who will never get that chance. I find zero humor in your post. I am not naive.
I do not expect anything to be easy with having a child. I don’t expect to sleep well, or look put together. I will wear mom jeans with pride. And I have never looked down upon my friends or family members who wear them, I’ve looked up to them!
I understand you are trying to be funny, and clearly many relate to your comedic spin on this.
I am not one of them. I find this to be offensive. And I think it paints YOU as the judgemental one, judging those of us who haven’t gone through birth or child rearing.
I’m sorry, but you don’t really know what to expect. You have an idea of what to expect. That is all. “Sleep well?” Try “sleep at all.” Trust me, a lot of what I “expected” when I was pregnant either didn’t happen at all, or if it did, it wasn’t in the way I thought it should have. I had a lot of goals and dreams for my child that I was expecting, too. But I admit I WAS naive to think everything was going to happen in the way I planned while pregnant; see my comment below for reference. Oh, but thank goodness you aren’t naive and already know everything to expect.
I do wish you best of luck, but keep in mind, you’re at the beginning of a life-long journey yourself and the only thing that’s going to remain constant is that it’s going to keep changing. I’m a single mom myself, and NONE of it is easy. I didn’t know what I was doing back then, and almost four years later, I’m not ashamed to admit sometimes I still don’t.
I’m so sorry to hear about your fertility struggles. I have friends who went through that; in their lives, when times got tough with their kids, they felt like they weren’t allowed to think it was hard because they had wanted it for SO long and tried SO SO hard.
I just hope that, if you do encounter times that are tough to handle, you don’t feel guilty for feeling normal mom feelings just because of how hard you worked to put yourself in that situation… best of luck to you.
Lol,,,the.pregnancy/newborn stuff sooo relatable!! Thankfully I have a helpful husband and a 2 and a 1/2 yr old daughter whose biggest mess was coloring on her walls with a washable crayon and who will sit and “read ” books for 20 min straight lol
Ohhhh how I love this!!!! I know before I became a mama I was all like I will do this and that and not this or that.. its crazy how things change.. In reality your going to do what you can do to get through what it is you need to get through. I love my son with all my heart.. I cant believe how awesome yet challenging motherhood can be. And he is only 2. I do try hard to just enjoy the little silly thigns he does as long as he is not hurting himself. I know it wont be long and I will miss the heck out of these times.. DJB <3 my life!
The first time I knew I had lost myself and was forever a Mommy was when I was looking at frozen hamburger meat and was rocking the buggy back and forth to sooth a baby that was at home with Daddy. Just for good measure I had a burp cloth over my shoulder…I was allowed to leave the house like that..
Oh, I had forgotten when I was still pregnant I saw my Mother in Law fill my neices bottle with Coke. I told my Husband if I ever caught her doing that to our children I would never let her watch our kids …..well after 2 babies in 2 years I wouldn’t of cared if she gave them a drag off her Camel unfiltereds…..
I liked this a lot, and chuckled because it was funny. But in a way, it also made me feel a little sad because you were nail-on-the-head, dead-on CORRECT. I had a normal pregnancy, and during delivery, my son suffered a very severe brain injury. The completely unexpected happened. During pregnancy, I was so focused on how things were absolutely going to be and how I was absolutely going to parent my son, I never bothered to stop and realize I didn’t control everything. I didn’t know what I was doing when I was pregnant, and frankly, most of the time, I don’t now. I am not at all the parent I ever imagined I would be, except for one thing: I still love my kiddo as much as I knew I always would. Hell, maybe even more.
You have experienced the ultimate in unexpected parenting… I’m sorry about your son :-(
I agree – I def love them more than I knew I could.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..Did I Just Have a Family Dinner or a Family Double Dare SLIME Bomb?
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.
As for some of the commenters on here, you seem like you have a thick skin, but all the same, don’t sweat ‘em. Yes, it’s too bad some people can’t have children and yes, it’s too bad some of us have disabled children, but that doesn’t mean the world should have to walk on eggshells all the time or feel like they have to cater to our pain. Nor does it mean other people don’t have problems just because they have the things or life we wanted for ourselves. Life’s too short to be that angry. So, keep up the great work with writing and parenting!
Thanks Meg. You bring up an excellent point. No one knows what other people have been through…. if I hadn’t been through some crazy shit in my life, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I do still struggle with anxiety, but I wouldn’t change it. Healthy or not, humor is my biggest coping mechanism ;-)
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
You sound very bitter and not funny at all. Also a know it all. Just because you raised a child doesn’t make you an expert.
The only thing I “know” for sure is that I don’t have all of the answers, but I really wish someone did and could give them to me.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Priceless! I love the canter nature of this post. I’m getting ready to have my first in a few weeks and being at my age (mid 30′s) I will embrace all the vomit, poopiness that childhood brings. But I could do without the frantic advice my friends are giving me right now. Babies are the easy part, when they talk back or throw tantrums or even crawl out of the window to see their 18 year old boyfriend when they are 13 those are the moments that are the tough part. But this post was priceless :)
Oh geez – unsolicited advice is the worst to receive, but so easy to give. Congratulations to you, and I agree – the older they get, the more nervous I become!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Honestly, this blog just made me cry. I don’t want a saggy vagina or to not take a shower because my man will get sick of me.. Maybe. Idk. I still have 2 weeks of pregnancy left and honestly as true as this is, I think about it in a completely different way and I already hate how I look and feel, I don’t want to be worse when I’m not pregnant anymore..
Don’t worry! Don’t cry! You may feel worse when you first have the baby because of all of your hormones and the sleep deprivation, but I promise that you won’t be and your body will start to take shape again.
Don’t let that man make you feel like “he’s sick of you.” He’s probably damn lucky to have you!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Ali, I bet you look great and your man thinks you do too.
Ok so pissed myself laughing but as a first time dad to be im now crapping myself. The flowers and butterfly stories were scary enough now you drop this bombshell!
I’ve been trying to download this letter for the past week posted by one of my besties with the subject ” awesome!! You have to read this.” Everytime I opened it my daughters mouth opened first, “mom, can I have a drink of water, snack, can I play my game on your phone?” Needless to say I closed out my awesome e-mail to short order cook and play hungry fucking hippo for the 11th millionth time on MY phone. Not today! I told my daughter I was laying down for a minute to rest, told her there was water on the table, handed her a delicious cheese stick, hugged her, and departed to read with out another word as not to remind her I was going to relax for a second, for fear she may attack during my moment of peace! Well worth the time! I haven’t taken a bath, shit, or watched an adult television show alone in four years! The other day some ladies kid laid down in the middle of check out line and squirmed like a reptile. His mom reprimanded, completly flushed, overwhelmed, imbarrest and justified the behavior. I smiled, there is no justification nessesary, having a child is like having a caged monkey, they make no sense, they want out of there cages so they can eat, drink, shit, reick havock on their owners just to see how far they can push and still be cared for! The funny thing is as mothers we are pushed to the brink of insanity most days, and not only do we continue to care for our children but we unconditionally love and cherish our monkeys! Pregnancy for me was horrible, but it’s true, no one has a clue what is going on when that huge baby comes out of you like a national geographic episode! Props to the mothers who say they don’t struggle, even though we know you do, and cheers to the pregnant woman with their parenting guides and judgments, it’s your time to shine!!! Just make sure to get all your shinning in while you still have time to wash your hair!
Normally I like this site, but this was weak.
….also, do you think no women ever deliver without epidurals or something? Because I don’t know what to say to that.
I did deliver baby #2 without an epidural. I just don’t know what the hell all of the breathing techniques were for because apparently I’m wayyyyy too anxious of a person to be calmed without something like a tranquilizer during the whole crowning thing.
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Extreme,but definitely funny. I’m just glad I didn’t have EVERY one of those things described. Not sure if I would have survived! The love thing, though…totally.
I’m not one for sharing things but after I read this, I had to. I was the pregnant woman judging… I would never do this, I would never do that and you know what every single one of them of them I do. I am one mess away from a complete melt down. My daughter is the one at daycare, where, if I even get her out of her pajamas, she is mismatched, hair sticking everywhere. I look at these moms with more than one child and honestly think they are super woman. Please just let me get one more hour of sleep, not even so much an hour but 15 minutes would work. I used to love sleep… My husband literally lost his mind after my daughter was born.. Oh, I’m not paying enough attention to you, huh? I just pushed a 9 pound baby out and if I’m not changing diapers, pumping, feeding, laundry, the list goes on and on. But if given the choice I would do it all over again every single time. Every time my daughter smiles at me, I am ready to take on anything!
I know, everyone’s experiences are different but I am so glad I didn’t share yours. I loved child birth, went au naturale all three times and was so excited about the first one that I threw out the diaphram the day I got home from the six week checkup and said, “that was incredible, let’s have another one!” The second one came 19 months later and the two were plenty for me. Until the youngest reached high school, then I had another. My body always got thinner than before the pregnancy, my breasts are as perky as ever and at 55 years old, I weigh 119 and am looking good. I have three daughters ages 32,31 and 15 and have to admit that motherhood is the greatest journey of my life. I thought it interesting that I was checking out colleges the same year I was checking out pre-schools. Not many do that in the same summer! Being a mom to me is an honor, I love the opportunity to share in someone else’s childhood and to watch someone grow from a tiny infant to a beautiful adult. It has been more than I ever dreamed it would be.
I want what she’s having….
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..A Questionably Helpful Guide to What Babies Like
Thank you so much for writing this! You have taken the words right out of my mouth! I have a friend who’s going to be a new mother and she thinks she knows it all. And after 9 months of her being a bitch and her snide remarks I’m so ready for her to get the reality slap in the face. She’s been a total jerk because my daughter puts EVERYTHING in her mouth. EVERYTHING. But what kid doesn’t right? She’s like,”Oh that’s gross you just let her chew on that..” I’m like honey, you pick your battles, shoe vs power cord. I’d rather tell her no to the power cord than the shoe.
Ahhhhh the pregnant ass hole!!! I was one too, my kid was only going to eat organic home made food, i would only use cloth diapers, classical music would be piped through the house , and god forbid if my kid was one of those picky eaters… Yup NONE of that happened, he ate gerber baby food, raps baby got back, i never even looked at the cloth diapers, and the only thing that has passed my kids lips in the past 9 months is chicken fucking nuggets…
I love this! I’m currently pregnant with my second one and have a near three year old son with a high possibility of Asperger’s. So far I have been a jungle gym, a climbing post, a chair, a toy, a punching bag, a cradle, and so many other things to name… I’m only four months, but I’m already worn out! Need another doorknob thingy to keep him from getting into his sibling’s room… Little stink knows how to open locked doors so I don’t have a “peaceful” nap. It’s always that sucky half sleep where-you-can-hear-everything-but-you’re-still-asleep sleep.
My firstborn is on the autism spectrum (PDD-NOS) and I just wanted to let you know I’ve been where you’re at. Our road with him has been long, slow, sometimes discouraging, but also joyous and fulfilling. He’s 18 now, a jr. in high school, an honor roll student, has a drivers’ license AND a job at the movie theater. He’s quiet, introverted, but also amazingly self-reliant and responsible. One of the best things we did for him (not that we did it just for him of course) was to give him siblings. They were his first friends and have continued to “force” him out of his shell over the years. And I know that someday when my husband and I are gone, even though he will probably live fine on his own, he will not be alone and will always have his brother and sisters (who adore him) to lean on for support. Do you live in the US? I don’t want to be a know-it-all, but if you haven’t started making plans to do it already, contact your local school as soon as he turns 3 to see if he can qualify for services through the school system. Most school districts have programs for kids like ours. It was a blessing for us.
I actually got him tested today for PPCD class recommendations. ECI refers them straight to a selected Sp. Ed. department to get them enrolled. I must say, there were a few things that I didn’t think he could do and completely blew me out of the water! I’m never underestimating my son again!
Though I have learned while reading for him that I may very well have it from traits that relate to me. I’ve taken AQ tests and scored pretty high. It would explain why I’m so… well, weird, haha. I plan to get a diagnosis soon.
I learned pretty quickly what was or wasn’t socially acceptable (and still learning…) and made it just fine through mainstream school, but I know there are those subjects and “wtf?!” moments while I was growing, and him learning about his condition instead of discovering it (like me) he can understand what he’s feeling and going through a lot better.
Sorry for any horrendous mistakes. I’m typing away with no contacts in!
I waited 7 years to get pregnant, while everyone around me was getting pregnant at the drop of a hat, finally with the doctors help We became pregnant :-) I was in shock suddenly I became Fat… according to people, next I exploded, I had to leave work early due to Diabetes. OMG I had a fantastic job, an amazing salary, nice clothes did I realise the drastic change this baby would have on my life??? NO….. “I know what to do, I had nieces and nephews”, I babysat from 15yrs old. Huh of course I knew what I was letting myself into….. No I didn’t lose the weight from breast feeding or sleepless nights or not eating properly, it took 2 years of hard work and sensible eating and finally I felt like me again but not for too long. Yes I went back for number 2, again we needed treatment as for a year nothing happened, the morning I told my husband I was pregnant, he was in total shock, I was actually over the moon. While pregnant we decided to emigrate to Australia, No 2 son was born (2 months old) and here we are no family, no friends in a new country, depression, don’t be silly (never be afraid to admit, its so much healthier for you and your family) exercise is a great help. Settling into life in Oz, New life, New Friends, New lifestyle, the happiness soon turned to shock my life was complete I had got through it, but nature decided to shock me, yes I fell pregnant naturally (always take precautions), my husband was over the moon, this time I was devastated. Motherhood is definitely different, 13, 9 and 7 year old boys (tough) but so much love is in our household it outweighs the bad – I am blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy, bright, affectionate loving sons. Don’t get me wrong I complain and moan about the mess, the sleeping in, the laziness, I chose this path and they are my life :-)
It could have been entertaining if it wasn’t full of so much swearing.
HAHAHAHAHAHA — SO FRIKKEN TRUE and thats what makes it hilarious!
p.s I had to google Firenzas finest….
This was great! I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my first and I freely admit I know nothing. I do remember many of the things my brother (who is 2 years younger than me) and I did, so although I may not be judgmental, karma will be coming for me! BTW, after reading this and all the comments, I promptly took a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG shower!
I’m a Nana now, but I remember a time when I had the Cinderella syndrome -the time before kids when you believe you’ll get married ,have perfect babies and you’ll clean your perfect house in a evening gown. Then comes the babies that projectile vomit on your velvet xmas dress, toddlers the pee in any open container in the bathroom (in addition to the heat vent) and little genius scientists that try to build electric chairs on daddy’s workbench using wire and electric bulbs. I wouldn’t trade one second! I earned every gray root! (I say root because you’ll never see this Nana with a whole head of grays unless my caregiver of the future slacks off on my dye jobs.) oh well sidetracked again-anyway Hang on to every second-play with your kids-the dishes can wait! go to the park – outside still gives everyone fresh air, wonderment and vitamin D when the sunshines. It goes by way too fast and you’ll regret the times you say I’ll be there in a minute or Mommy is so busy…..You can never get that time back! And her’s the biggie- NEVER say my kids will never do that or we always do……. Those statements will come back to bite you!
Thank you for sharing, this is so true and made me laugh at every turn. I’m pregnant with my second right now and remember having all those thoughts with my first!
This would have been funny but to this mom of two great kids this is not funny. You try to make a mockery of motherhood. Some of us love our kids and prayed every nite for them.
Yeah…I don’t find this funny.
All the same tired crap about how disgusting your body is, the “just you wait” mentality, “you’ll never sleep again” monologue ….. If it wasn’t so overdone, it would be offensive.
Thank god it’s a letter from Kelly to herself…it sure doesn’t speak to me.
Corrrr blimey she bloody moans more than a pregnant woman. Why do these women keep writing such fucki whingey whiney bitch blogs. Unless youre stupid most people know when babies come, so does shit, vomit and sleepless night. So shut the fuck up moaning and leave them be. Youre no better for moaning about the kids you have now. Some of us dont have all our kids here. Try staying up all night crying cos the crib is emtpy and youd kill to be covered in your bundles sick rather than visiting his grave each week!!!! Corrrr blimey she bloody moans more than a pregnant woman. Why do these women keep writing such fucki whingey whiney bitch blogs. Unless youre stupid most people know when babies come, so does shit, vomit and sleepless night. So shut the fuck up moaning and leave them be. Youre no better for moaning about the kids you have now. Some of us dont have all our kids here. Try staying up all night crying cos the crib is emtpy and youd kill to be covered in your bundles sick rather than visiting his grave each week!!!!
I bet this is a funny post for Moms to read but for someone is still deciding to have children (or not), you scare the hell of out us. We know it’s hard. Why the HELL would we want to do it? You are right, we are so unaware of the amazing love that you feel towards a child. I hear too much about how horrible kids are and how difficult it is to have them in your life that I can’t imagine any love strong enough to overcome this bull shit.
STOP SCARING US NON-MOMS!!!
Motherhood is over rated. That is the truth. I have three children and I love them more than anything in the world. But I would not do it again. Way too much heartbreak.
Oh.My.Gosh. I’m pretty sure you’re my new hero!
Amazing. Amazing that no matter how many articles like this they read, young adult first pregnancy moms still have no clue what they are in for. They remain the judgemental teen brained females they are until that magical child-being has latched onto their hearts and lives. We learn from our children. Sometimes we learn without realizing we are learning. This was a brilliant post. I loved it!
I think this is sooooo funny and true and the people who are making rude comments are taking it WAYYYYYY too seriously. Parenting is by FAR the hardest thing I have ever done and it is comforting to know I’m not alone with these struggles. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes its rainbows and unicorns and other times I think that it would be less painful to rip my hair out. I love my son more than anything in the universe and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but we are all human and we all have limits and children test them regularly. Its true no matter what type of parent you are or what type of personality your kids have.
It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder why people want children in the first place.
I laughed and cried!!!!
This seriously had me cracking up! I have a 3 year old GIRL who up until recently insisted that she could fly. She was so sure she could fly that she jumped off of my moms deck and cut up her nose. In the last year (she’ll be 4 in June), she escaped from the house luckily just running up to my boyfriend’s grandmothers who lives right around the corner (she cut through the yards and avoided the road lol) AND cut her hair. Sometimes I find myself calling up my dad or my mom and pleading with them to take her for the night. I always wanted a girl but some of the shit she does I can’t help but think “Really?” She acts like a little boy and still prances around in her dresses and pigtails. And what is with drawing on themselves (or the dog… or a family friends dog…) with PERMANENT marker? Both her and 2 dogs were covered in red and black permanent marker for a week and a half. I still don’t understand how little kids can get into so much trouble even if their parents watch them like a hawk! Like the hair cutting… I turned for maybe 30 seconds to get her a cup and she had found the scissors and took them to her hair. Gotta love kids though! Never a dull moment around here.
TOO FUNNY!
I decided that boys/men were stupid and girls were devious when my three year daughter cut my two year old daughter’s hair in the space of three minutes whilst I changed my baby’s nappy before we left the house to meet my husband’s new boss to introduce our families. I couldn’t understand where she had found the sissors as my locked box on the top shelf was intact. Later my husband informed me that he had the nail sissors in the top drawer of his bedside table because as he put it “they were nail sissors, I didn’t think they would cut hair with them.”! I will never forget the look on his boss’s face when we walked in.
HA! Having fun reading about all the “terrible two” stories. It got me to reminiscing. When my #1 child was 2, he “painted” the entire living room carpet with his poo. I have no idea what he’d eaten but even the steamcleaner couldn’t get those stains out. Gross, gross, gross. And yet we still decided to have #2 child, who at 2 stripped herself naked in the backyard while I was sitting inside at the window nursing #3 child. She scaled the 4′ wood fence (remember, she was naked…ouch) and a neighbor found her 6 houses away down the block. Thankfully, #3 child was a perfect angel at 2 (after most of the first year was spent trying to ease his colic) so, what did we do? Decided to have #4 child who I can honestly say is #1,#2, and #3 child to the 3rd power. Her toddlerhood had the poo of #1, the exhibitionist of #2, and the charm of #3 (thankfully she skipped the colic), with a whole lot of her own eccentric flair thrown in. My “babies” are now 18, 13, 11, and 8 and all I can say is that we have survived. Now the teenager years? Well, I’ll take poo, nakey babies, and colic over hormones and mood swings any day. But in the end they’re all the things that add color, flair, humor and memories that we’ll enjoy looking back on when we’re sitting in our nice, clean, childless houses waiting for the grandkids to come mess it up a little. :o)
And then you have to start taking your kids to the dentist with you, and even that small sanctuary is gone. Ah well, we can always buy ourselves gift certificates for massages and pretend our husband remembered our anniversary.
This is HILARIOUS!! I always thought…..Oh I’ll get married and have two children……dont know about that anymore. I also thought, I worked at a daycare and I babysat for people. I know what to expect when I have a baby and will know what to do…..BOY was I wrong! Love this!
Too funny, love it! Thank you!
I thought I had it all planned out and then reality hit. I spent the next year angry at all my friends for not telling me the truth. I still tell any prego I see the “dark side” and there is always a group of girls who try to make it sound so much better…to calm her down.
Chilly Z recently posted..Scentsy Fragrance~February 2013
I love your sense of humor. I appreciate your honesty…and I thank you for making me realize that every single thing I have felt and experienced with my two children is normal. I feel like going to a big box baby store, ripping out all the pages to “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and replacing them with your letter.
Hilarious but I have to disagree on sleeping better when pregnant! I’d take c-section recovery/ newborn any day over pregnancy, especially the last 8 weeks when I thought reflux would burn a hole through my chest and my pelvis shifted horribly out of place with every movement…oh and the horrible burning itch of PUPPPs… eesh I shudder at doing that again!
This letter is adorable! Even to me, the woman who was born to be a mother but can’t be. I’ve longed for a child for years, and I would gladly accept any part of your letter, to be a part of my life if it meant I could have a baby to hold, a child to love and nurture. A child to raise, instil values, beliefs. A child to support, to cheer for, and to cry with when life is hard. Potty training, spills, poop and puke, give it to me. Super hero capes, fairy tales, first words and funny moments…. I’ll take it! I love all of you moms and realize what you have gone through and had to sacrifice. But I also envy you and all of the moments you have with your child. God bless!
BRILLIANT!!!!
This makes me never want to have kids. Thanks.
Hilarious. Laughing out loud.
Leena Pendharkar recently posted..Episode #1: So Natural!
OMFG!! I think I peed myself, more than once! I knew beforehand that kids could be tough. But I never thought mine would be that awful. I love to fondly call him my “Devil Spawn”.
Pregnancy was AWESOME. Easy. Even my back problems I had disappeared. Childbirth was natural (asides from the laughing gas), labour was 5 hours and pushing done and over in 16 minutes.
I thought he was so perfect when I first held him, I failed to notice he was smurf blue in the face. He had the cord wrapped around his neck 3, yup you read that right, 3 times.
He’s awful, but I love him. Dreadful, doesn’t listen no matter what suggestions, doctor approved, study researched proven options I try. But we are still trying to have more. He’ll be 5 this year.
Because no matter how awful he is, dangerous, heart attack inducing trouble he gets into, there is no other love like it. And you get to realize that, while watching them sleep. Cause usually it’s the only quite time you might get.
Love this ;) wish I had time to read ALL the comments, too! Thanks so much!
This had to be the funniest thing I have ever read about having children! Believe me I have 5 kids and everything you say is so true! Pinning this so I can give it to my daughter when she is pregnant.
You are my hero! I was not a “pregnancy is so beautiful” person. I hated nearly every moment of my pregnancy and couldn’t wait for it all to be over. I had no idea what was on store! I recently had a friend-20 weeks pregnant- say that she has not enjoyed being pregnant and “can’t wait for things to go back to normal.” I had to stop myself from laughing in her face and said, “there will be no normal ever again. Not like you want.” Who run the world? Girls!!!
I’m a mom and I loved this! Seriously wondering about the sanity of Rachel Gram though and why in the world she was reading this if she isn’t a mother…..bahahahaha!!
Don’t let any of the negative people make you stop doing anything you want. You can’t please all the people all the time.
I enjoyed the letter except for the foul language, surely someone with that amount of talent doesn`t have to lean on the shock factor of foul language.
Wow, motherhood sounds awesome. I’m so jealous I don’t have a kid!
It is all true…. My dentist went to lunch after he finished with me so they let me take a hour nap. Bess them! When I finally fit into my pre preg jeans my daughter procedided to projectile vomit on them all I could do was sit and laugh!
I’m not a mother yet but this made me laugh out loud and also made me a little fearful for when i do have kids. I am 23 now and the story of when I was three gets told all the time, I ran away into some woods where homeless men were known to camp out while my older brothers were supposed to be watching me. I was supposedly looking for our dog. I ended up standing in a busy parking lot in a shopping center, a woman picked me up and held me until my mother, after a search party was made, found me. Oh goodness I hope karma does not come back for me.
This is the most refreshing thing I have laughed over in a long time. Thank you for sharing your honesty! I have 4 beautifully frustrating children. My oldest will be 20 this year. I remember being pregnant the first time and just knowing that I knew everything…I didn’t…still don’t…never will. Karma is a bitch. I learned my lesson and how to be humble and when to shut the hell up with my unwanted advice. One thing I will share is that my mother was right. She told me “this is the easy part” everytime I called her crying over baby vomit or sleepless nights. I can still hear her laughing when I called to tell her she was right and that I was so sorry for all the grief I caused her as a teenager. That call came after the first night my precious son decided marijuana was his new best friend. Ahhh… teenagers. Anyway, best of luck to you and please keep writing and sharing because you are very good at it!
I could not possibly have laughed harder. All true. Love your honesty. :)
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me recently posted..Potentially Useful Skills: A Follow-Up
Send this ASAP to Kim Kardashian. That would be reality.
Breathing really does help with labor. A doula really really helps!!! I got to 8 cm with no epidural before they performed a c-section and I don’t remember it being agony. This time I am trying for a VBAC and no epidural again.
Luckily I never worried about pooping during delivery. I guess I don’t have a lot of modesty.
I don’t have children yet but my best friend is pregnant and reading this letter and the many comments below it just gave me a night full of laughter. I have wondered what some of my mother friends were doing with their children but after reading this I will certainly no longer guess or worry about what they do. I look forward to my own stories of wild and crazy children.
This is my first time pay a visit at here and i am truly impressed to read everthing at
single place.
lloyd irvin recently posted..lloyd irvin
Love the story! I have no children and am happy I made the decision not too. You’re a girl after my own heart with your story-telling style.
Oh that was me, every last word. I only have one little angel though-_- How the hell did my mom do it with 6!?! Yup I was NEVER going to put my child in front of the television (so that i can finish cooking dinner without him chucking his Legos in my soup) , oh and i was NEVER EVER going to allow him to scream bloody murder (just because) in the checkout line while everyone looked at me in disbelief as i firmly clamped my hand over his mouth until i finished paying (with my awesome one handed mom skills) and calmly left the store.
Thanks, this goes in the folder I keep for all the reasons I never want kids.
Thanks for this, {from a sometimes bitter battle scared mother of 4}
Too funny and oh so true!!
Now write one about how rude and judgemental
the youth of the western world are to the elderly.
I had a horrid cold one day and took a Benadryl. Fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to my daughter with no hair. She had cut it all off, and I mean off. It was, of course, school picture day. We called her Spike for months.
This makes me never want kids…
LOL! This made my day instantly! You are so right about thinking you know everything about parenting before you have your baby! I thought that after reading hundreds of books and talking to my mother and grandmother that I was so well educated in the line of parenting, that I could do it with my eyes closed! Boy, was I wrong. Especially being a young mother at the age of 18. My boyfriend and I have been in the constant battle of keeping our daughter in bed at night and keeping things that shouldn’t be in her mouth, out of her mouth! Our little girl just started walking and is getting into literally everything she can possibly reach! She also finds enjoyment in terrorizing my poor cat. Fortunately, my cat tolerates her fur and tail pulling! And after reading some of the comments about their children spilling things on the floor…Boy I have a fun story. My daughter, Talia, and I were on our way to my Aunt’s house to visit the farm and see all the horses. The minute Talia set foot on her property she got all excited and started into a fit of giggles and smiles. We entered the barn where all the horses were at and she just glowed. I set her down so she could walk around (all the stall doors were closed so she couldn’t get in with the horses). I turn my back for one second and I hear an “ooops”. I turn around and find Talia covered in water with oats and hay… She managed to tip over a bucket of water that used to be in one of the horses stalls, so it had left over oats and hay in it. She was soaked and smelled, but she was giggling about the whole thing! After that I had her give her Aunt a big ole’ smelly hug!
Thanks for the laughs (I just read it again months later). I am sending this to my pregnant friends.
The honesty is SO refreshing. The second any one of starts to think we’re a “super mom”, you know they’ve “missed the boat.” Parenting is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world, whether you’re a stay at home or “working” parent (in quotations because all parents are constantly working, outside the home or not). I’ve done both, and I must stay working full time and making time for kids is the juggling act of the century (hugs to all parents doing it now!). If parenting is easy, then you’re not doing it right!