2014-THANKSgiving

A Letter To My Pregnant, Child-Less Self…

554 Comments

pregnant

Dear Judgey McKnows-It-All,

Right now, your due date is approaching, and you’re hyper focusing on a lot of insignificant stuff. I wish you knew that none of what you are worrying about matters. What you need to do is go to bed now and sleep until the baby comes. It could be your last chance to sleep for a few uninterrupted hours for the rest of your life.

What’s that you say? You’re not sleeping well because the pregnancy is making you so uncomfortable? Think again my friend. Soon you will be lying awake at 3 am in a pool of baby vomit, but you won’t want to move a muscle for fear of waking your precious little bundle of “sleeps when held.”

While we are on the topic of useless shit (pun intended) that you are obsessing over, it seems as though you are sitting around wondering if you’ll poop on the table during delivery. Guess what? When the time actually comes, you won’t care if fecal matter ends up on the ceiling as long as they get that baby the hell out of you faster than a teenage boy gets off on the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Oh, and that book you’re reading on natural birth? Quit wasting your time with it and pick up a copy of What the Fuck Do I Do with this Baby? because once you’re actually in labor, you’ll tap out at three centimeters and beg for curbside epidural service as you pull into the hospital. Besides, the delivery is only one day, and the baby will be here for a l-i-f-e-t-i-m-e. Your time would be better spent learning something about child rearing rather than practicing breathing techniques that will do nothing for the pain, although, they might come in handy for your first bowel movement post childbirth.

On another note, you seem to have a lot of opinions on parenting right now, but you will quickly realize that you have no idea what you’re doing which reminds me that I should warn you about the bitch that Karma is. For all of the judgments you make now about other people’s parenting techniques, you will be sentenced to a lifetime of mom guilt laden thoughts. So, keep judging your friend who leaves her kids at daycare an extra hour so she can shop or cook by herself. In just a few short months, you will find yourself wishing daycare was open on weekends too. And the woman you saw at the grocery store in the frozen foods aisle whose nipples were pointing in different directions? Nice job criticizing her to your husband. Karma is about to replace your tots with two National Geographic style tube socks each holding a teeny, tiny ping-pong ball.

So, have that extra slice of cheesecake now while you’re still delusional. You think you are all belly, but it’s going straight to your ass. And, by the way, you won’t be one of those lucky women who loses weight from breastfeeding. You will be the mom whose kid shows up everyday for preschool without his folder, mismatching clothes, and maybe even a little bit of food still on his face while you’re wearing a moo moo not fit for your grandmother. Memories of a daily shower will seem as magical as monkeys flying out of your ass and serving you mojitos on the white sands of Maui. Soon, going to the dentist will be the most relaxing thing you have time for. You will see.

After the baby is born, between caring for him, your new found realization of what a dipshit your husband can be, and your post partum hormones, you will be so overwhelmed that you’ll start popping birth control like skittles just to make sure you don’t have a second child. Then, one night over a box of Franzia’s finest, you’ll find yourself just loopy enough to do it again.

There is only one thing that will get you through the stretch marks, the puke stains, and the depression over your saggy post birth vagina – the love that, right now, you are unaware even exists.

So hold onto your mom jeans and try not to wet your pants while you still have some level of bladder control – this ride is just beginning. Stop being a judgmental bitch and start supporting other moms. You’re going to need them once you realize that you don’t have a fucking clue what you’re doing…

Love, Me

Related post: Birth Plan Gone Bad

Comments

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  1. 1

    Chrissy says

    omg!!! I almost died laughing! So very true! I have sat and watched while people made all these judgements on me while I was preggo- with all 3 of my wonderful… oh hell who am I kidding, all of my hellions. I sat back and laughed at my sister when she became pregnant, crying and moaning about how awful pregnancy was. All I said was “Just wait, you think it’s bad now..” The other day he go ahold of the flour… all over her kitchen, living room, and hallway… She sent me a picture, he was making snow angels in it, covered from head to toe. I still cant stop laughing.. paybacks a bitch!

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    • 2

      Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

      hahaha! now that I have kids and have seen the light, I try SO hard not to judge older kids behavior because I now know that I’m just not at that stage yet!

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    • 4

      Jamie says

      Last winter my son went through a stage where everytime I turned around he was dumping something new on the floor. From what I remember we did cooking oil twice, nutmeg, and powder sugar. There may have been more. With the powder sugar I had left him for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom. He was watching T.V. and eating a cookie. He looked very content. I thought he would be fine. I came back and he had dumped one full bag of powder sugar on the floor and just started cutting open the second bag with a pair of scissors. He was only 2 1/2. Oh yeah, our vacuum cleaner bag was full and we didn’t have more.

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      • 5

        Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

        oh man! I suppose you’re lucky that’s all that happened, and I’m lucky too because my 2 year old likes to do dangerous things when I go to put the baby down for a nap. I have needed the TV many times, but it doesn’t always work….

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        • 6

          Jamie says

          I don’t like to use the T.V., but sometimes it is needed. This particular time he seemed so entranced I thought I had nothing to worry about. It was like he was waiting for me to leave the room. I was very happy he didn’t hurt himself. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to start dragging him to the bathroom with me everytime.

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          • 7

            Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

            I know what you mean! BTW – I’ve suddenly come down with something today and am finding myself wishing tv was acceptable or effective for a 4 month old…… lol

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          • 8

            Shannon says

            My first decided to skip his nap (the one day in 5 years he decided he could do without it and not resort to spin his head 360 degrees while plotting the destruction of all mankind) one winter day. But rather than making noise like most, he just laid quietly for an hour, leading me to think it was safe to take a nap since his baby sister had kept me up all night teething. “Oh, I have a monitor, and they’re both sleeping…”

            Yeah, I woke up to a knocking on the door by a neighbor from our apartment who found my 2 1/2 year old out playing in the snow by himself — he had gotten up, gotten dressed in his snow stuff, unlocked the back door, and slipped outside… 10 ft from our busy parking lot.

            That was 7 years ago, and I don’t think I’ve actually SLEPT since.

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          • 9

            Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

            OH, my GOODNESS – so scary! My 2.5 year old also escaped once when I just had baby #2. He let himself out, but luckily I found him within 2 minutes of going out because I knew the house was too quiet… my heart has never dropped so far!

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          • 10

            Shanan says

            My stepson slipped out of the house during the opening ceremony for Football season when he was 2. He was playing on his toy piano. I went to put some spaghetti noodles in the pot, turned around, and he was gone. I barely had time to say “Where’s Joseph?” when the doorbell rang. Our neighbors from across the street were there, holding Joseph. He had made it through the “baby-safe” door to the garage, the big garage door had been left open, and he bolted straight into the street. Fortunately, our neighbors were out front. They saw him, and they also saw the truck that was barreling around the corner, and one of our neighbors jumped out in the street and stopped him inches before Joseph was hit. That happened in way less time than it took me to write it all out here. They are desiged to try an kill themselves, and our sole purpose until they are about 6 or 7 is to keep them alive!!

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          • 11

            Chrys says

            Six or seven!?!?

            I have a just 14 and a just 13 year old boy. These kids must get stupider as they get older. (Not to be mean, but…common sense has left our house and we are looking for sanity on a highway to he double hockey sticks.) they have intelligence so their standardized tests and grades say. But, seriously, who jumps off the roof???
            Lol
            Do they get their smarts all back at once when they hit adult? Or do they have them hidden under their beds or something?

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          • 12

            Lori says

            Common sense leaves boys at puberty, as my mother so gleefully explained to me when I called in exasperation over my own son. He is now 24 and, on my mother`s schedule, is returning to normal brain function. Good luck!

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          • 13

            LeeAnne says

            It’s actually been proven that the portion of the brain that is “common sense” not only STOPS developing at the onset of puberty, but actually regresses.

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          • 14

            Knea says

            Yes, their common sense returns in their 20’s. I will never forget the first time my son said “mom, you were right”. It was one week after his son was born. ha ha ha

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          • 15

            Cheri says

            My best friend is a 48 yr old man and he keeps telling me that it doesn’t ever end…they just stop letting Mom find out about the crazy things they do…

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          • 17

            Kathy says

            I have three boys under the age of 9, and I can say from LOTS of experience that boys are stupid. They may learn how to read, even becomes doctors, theologians, etc, but they are still just plain old stupid. They will do ANYTHING, things that my estrogen-soaked brain could never conceive on its own. I am constantly dumbfounded by their terrible judgment, and men keep telling me they never really get over their stupidity. They just change focus (slightly) from being stupid about their physical safety and the safety of others to being stupid about girls. I don’t know how boys survive childhood. It is simply and truly amazing to me that none of my children have died yet. A friend tells me that it’s good that boys are stupid because we need men to be able to storm castles, beaches, and other dangerous places. They need to be able to face danger and act anyway. I just wish that they would realize that storming the poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.

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          • 18

            Chrys says

            “poison ivy, the state highway, and the power tools really don’t produce anything positive other than keeping our local ER in business.”

            OMG, OMG… You are sooooo right!! Hahaha

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          • 19

            Lost My Mind says

            Most of them get their smarts (AKA common sense) back by the time they are 30, or have their 2nd kid. I know you feel like they don’t hear a word you say, and they don’t, but somehow their pea sized brains absorb your words and come back at the strangest times. Take comfort in the fact that they will one day shock the #$%^ out of themselves. They will open their mouths, intending to say the words in their heads, but what comes out will be YOUR WORDS!!! My kids are now 32, 30 & 25. We also adopted out grandaughter, who is now 10. We have been her parents since she was 4. About that one child who didn’t quite get all the smarts back, there is hope. I used to tell my friends that 2 out of 3 wasn’t bad, but my odds got better since we have the 10 yr old. Now it’s 3 out of 4, and #4 is getting better. You will survive this.

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          • 20

            Anne says

            When my son was in high school one of the administrators commented to me once that “we should leave them alone to sleep from 14 -17 and then start to educate them when they wake up!” I am now the mother of a 19 year old delight so yes, they improve!

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          • 21

            Kelly says

            My son’s 5th grade teacher (in a gifted and talented program) told me that she dreaded spring every year because these wonderfully intelligent boys would, without fail, lose every bit of common sense roughly around the time they turned 11. He will be 14 this spring and I’m still waiting for the brain cells to creep back in through his ears, which is how I imagine they slipped out to begin with.

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          • 22

            Mary says

            OMG! Teen brain is the worst! My daughter had the most severe case known to mankind. I think it is designed this way so we aren’t sad to see them leave after high school!

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          • 23

            jessie says

            I have to agree that they are made to harm themselves. I think i read or heard somewhere that the first five years you are just trying to keep them alive… i have one more year to go before my youngest is 5.

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          • 24

            Alicia Dupuis says

            Oh, man! I have a friend who says that staying at home with babies and toddlers is really just being on suicide watch. Kiddos just have no idea!

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          • 25

            Rigina S says

            My son escaped when he was about 2. It was very early am and I wasn’t awake yet and didnt realize he was either. He had on his cowboy boots, cowboy hat, gun belt and NOTHING else. When i startled awake because the house felt open, I found him a block down and across the street riding his tricycle. He is grown (21) now and it’s a funny story i tell, but it scared the crap out of me, and I had to install deadbolts that locked up into the top of all the door frames because he became a professional escape artist. I’m surprised he is alive today!

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          • 26

            jenn bowcutt says

            When my son was 3 i was hosting my very first family get together for my fiances family, it was fathers day. We had about 6 people show up and i was busying myself in the kitchen preparing dinner. Levi my son was on the back porch playing with another one of the kids where i could see him through my kitchen window, that and my mother in law was on the back porch as well. I ASSUMED all was well but when i noticed i didnt hear him anymore i instantly panicked. We lived on a golf course at the time that had railroad tracks only two driveways down so the whole area was connected by the course that was right off our back yard. My son just so happened to be OBSESSED with trains. I bolted for them knowing thats where he was and when i got to him some lady had stopped her car cuz she saw him and had him in her arms. He wondered right out of my back yard and when this woman drove by she said she saw him running down the track.He literally took off and was gone in a couple minutes time. I was so sick with the thought of what if a train had come we began house searching to move the very next day. We now own a home with a fully fenced yard and not a railroad track for miles.

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          • 27

            Bonnie Riche' says

            I came home from the store we lived in a cul de sack to find my 2yr old in a pair of panties and some plastic high heels and a purse walking down the street without a care in the world. I got her in the car drove home to find my husband and 3 yr old son sound asleep,she had pulled a chair over and unlocked the deadbolt and went for a stroll….

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          • 28

            Kristi says

            Oh I have a similar story too. My (at the time) 13 month old who wasn’t even walking yet, was in the kitchen playing with an obnoxious toy. I knew he was okay because I heard the toy and could still see him on the floor. I was on the phone with a chatty friend. It was only 30 or 40 seconds when I finally told my friend I “had to go”. I didn’t hear my son’s toy anymore and it was eerily quiet. Just as I ran through the kitchen and turned the corner to the bottom of our steep stairs, my son peered over the edge of the landing from the top of the staircase. I just about died! Two fleeting thoughts occurred, “who the hell put you up there?” & “wow that’s my boy!” but then that dreaded feeling of “what am I going to tell my husband” sank in. LOL Thankfully he wasn’t hurt but I never forget to put the baby gate up now.

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          • 29

            Millie says

            When my son was 2 1/2 we were in the middle of a ND winter with 6ft of snow on the ground. I thought it was safe to take a shower. As I was wrapping the towel around my body I hear the front door close. Well I knew it wasn’t his daddy home from work. I never got dry and dressed so fast in my life!!!!!! His idea of being ready to play in 6ft of snow when the temp read -16 was his diaper and snow boots!

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          • 31

            Lisa says

            At least you only had one that slipped out……I had twin 3 year olds that decided to get up in the middle of the night and go visit with the neighbours! That is when the eyehook was put on the inside of the screen door! They were affectionately known as the twins from hell! lol

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          • 33

            louise says

            Baby years are the easy part, i now live with two teenagers. Now i am at the part where i am treated like an A.T.M. banking machine, i see rolled eyes to heaven every time i give an opinion, my fridge is always empty two days after doing a big food shop, i only get to see the back of their heads while they look into the fridge. They enter the house now, not with Hello, their first comment is usually “i m starving”. To get them to study is a nightmare, and i find myself saying things like “when i was your age” you start to feel old when you relize you do not know any of todays music, and when their friends look at you like your an ol one. The baby years, i d have them back in the blink of an eye. GOD help you all when they turn into teens. Good luck.

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          • 34

            Libby says

            Jamie and Shannon, you just made me tear up from laughing so hard. My twins are 6 mths old and I am terrified of what is to come. One just started crawling tonight in fact…time to batten down the hatches!

            Also, Shannon, one thing to be happy about: at least he got all his snowstuff on and didn’t go outside with his pj’s on :)

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          • 35

            Anne says

            When my son was 6 or 7 I had Glandular Fever except we didn’t know it and the fact I had trouble waking up every morning seemed to me to just be excessive tiredness. Well, my boy would rise around 5am and always wanted to eat fairly soon after that. This particular morning there wasn’t any milk and he kept coming to wake me up and ask me to go and get some. I simply couldn’t wake up so he helped himself to some money and walked to the local shop which was a good 20-30 min walk away, bought the milk and walked home again! I woke up before he arrived home and had just started to panic when he arrived home! He is now an adult and still as stubborn and independent! It’s one of those classic childhood stories now but oh my goodness.

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          • 37

            jenn says

            That is hilarious, since mine (2 and 5) still go to the bathroom with me each time, mostly while fighting with each other up the stairs. I suppose that it is good that I have already explained what a period is, why they get it, when they will get it, and to enjoy life now without it. I get no privacy. If I ever do go by myself, the minute I sit down, the younger one starts screaming bloody murder while my older one shushes her. Two is plenty enough for me!

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          • 38

            Amy L says

            My son is three and knows what a period is. Because I had little to no bathroom breaks in those three years. Comes in handy though, I have a tampon-giver if I forget to bring one from under the sink to the toilet HA.

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      • 40

        Amy says

        Omg, you are explaining my son! My worst was a brand new bottle of Vegetable oil then a bag of flour dumped on top……on my 2 month old hard wood floors. He pushed a chair over to the pantry while I was caring for his younger sister. My only reaction at that point was to cry for he had already dumped everything else he could put his hands on for the day. I no longer stop any of my kids from transferring their drinks from one cup to the other needless to say……

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        • 41

          Jamie says

          Yuck, oil and flour had to be awful to clean up. I’ve come close to crying too. It seems like the messes were always right when we were suppose to be heading to bed when I was completely exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was clean them up.

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        • 42

          Cheri says

          Just as horrifying…A Halloween that I was gawd-awful sick and still took my (then) 3 1/2 yr old and 1 1/2 yr old sons out with my husband and I to a friend’s wedding (the boys were the “ring-ghouls”) we left asap and my husband took the older boy and put him to bed and then started playing video games leaving me and younger one sleeping in the chair…I woke up to little hands on my knees and open my eyes to find that he had found the BLACK, GREASE lipstick in my coat pocket and had proceeded to color all over himself and the brand new beige Berber carpeting…

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          • 43

            Ryan says

            Reminds me of the time my wife’s $300 Mary Kay order came. She put the box in our room. Normally it goes up on the top shelf, but I wasn’t home, so she put it in our room, so I could take care of it when I got home. She put the kids down for a nap in their room, and then started doing housework. At some point they snuck from their room to our room and found the box. When my wife went into the room to clean it, she found 2 kids covered in makeup, along with the floor, the walls, the bed, the night stands, the clothes hamper, the clothes in the hamper. We are talking lipsticks, eye liners, fine powders, lotions, every container in the $300 order was empty and spread around the room.

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        • 44

          susan says

          I had a routine. I got my son up, fed him, put him in the playpen so I could get dressed for work. Then I would change him, dress him and leave for day care. I put him in the play pen. I got dressed for work. I came back to find that he had smeared poop over every square inch he could reach – inside and outside of the playpen and himself from head to toe. Did I mention that it was one of the mesh sided play pens?
          I cried. I called into work. I changed him. I put the playpen in the shower because I couldn’t afford to buy another one and because I was afraid that the garbage men would not take it away if I tried to throw it away….

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        • 46

          N.L. says

          This is kind of like a game show. I think I can top yours, lol.
          My son was a nightmare, but to look at him, big eyes long curly hair, he was beautiful. But to live with him was another story. My favorite was when he was 2 yrs old he dumped a large box of Tide and proceeded to open Coke cans and pour the Coke on the Tide, luckily it was in the basement by the drain near the washer, but it still hours to get rid of the sticky hideous looking foam. We had to move everything higher than 5 ft. in a room or else he would try to take it apart. Our cushions were never on the furniture because he thought it was fun to push them off with his head and then leave to create havoc somewhere else. When he was quiet we knew there was going to be a problem. Or if if you heard a “uh oooh” you’d better run. He constantly threw his socks, bottles and other objects in the trash, yes he figured out how to open a child-proof lock. And my family could never figure out why we were always late to family functions. Until they had to watch him for a week, all they did was apoligize for being so bitchy about us being late.

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      • 47

        zoe says

        can i ask what your 2 1/2 was doing with access to scissors?? I may not be mum of the year but i make sure that stuff that can cause my child harm (ie scissors, knives, razorblades etc…) are completely out of reach.

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        • 49

          Rigina S says

          You just jinxed yourself with the “scissors” comment. Don’t be the parent who says “I ALWAYS keep the scissors, (knives, medicine, dog treats, razorblades, etc..) out of reach. Children have an amazing uncanny ability to climb, scale, gather stools, pots, whatever to get to what you think is in a SAFE place!!! Just wait. When my son was 3ish he got the scissors from on top of the refridgerator (???) and cut the cord to a plugged in fan and melted the scissor blades..I found them in the floor later that evening and about had a heart attack. He was fine and I guess the rubber handles saved him from being electrocuted! Just wait,,something metal will meet something electric by the time they are 10!!!

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          • 50

            Sara says

            I have to agree Rigina :) I was a great Mom (even in my own mind LOL!)…but both my kids cut their (or some other childs) hair and visa versa! or cut something else they weren’t supposed to! I kept my scissors on top of the refridgerator. Seems to me, everything I’ve ever tried to keep something away from my children, it always seem to find them somehow. Thats why our jobs are to keep the children safe…because they ALWAYS found unsafe things to do or play with.
            Both of my kids made it to adulthood…but I have no idea how they did it! WOW! It’s a miracle! LOL!

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          • 51

            Mary says

            Don’t judge about the scissors! My little guy could probably figure out how to make his own pair of scissors out of a bobby pin and a piece of lint! I hope these skills serve him well in the future, if he lives that long.

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        • 52

          sarah says

          Are you not letting your child learn to cut with scissors? I think you are crazy to NOT be giving your child scissors. Their preschool teacher would be happy if they had more children start school with scissor skills. See, the mommy judgement works both ways… Most parents have a story about one of their children cutting their hair, or their siblings hair. It’s normal.

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      • 54

        angie says

        My step daughter and my son are 6 months apart. I figured they were playing upstairs in one of their rooms when they were about 3 while I was folding laundry until I heard NOTHING. So I go upstairs and find them in the bathroom covered in Vaseline. They were covered and the bathroom was covered. I mean – vanity, shower door, window, doorknob, EVERYTHING! Nothing like cleaning up Vaseline. I haven’t had it in my house since.

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      • 55

        Tabytha says

        I remember that time! My son told my daughter (who is only 16 months younger) that he wanted her to look like a boy…. so a quick potty trip for mom to come back and find them under the table cutting off ALL her hair!!!! and let’s not forget a dozen eggs that made their way to the floor!

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    • 56

      Amanda says

      I am 4 1/2 months pregnant and eternally grateful I found you! Not only are you of the wiser, you’re frickn’ hysterical. I haven’t belly laughed this hard in a long time, not just at this post, but pretty much ALL of them-
      Keep it coming!
      Amanda

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    • 57

      kam says

      Ah, I went to the toilet for like three minutes. It was one of those emergency, “I gotta go NOW” situations. My kids were 2 and 3. I came back and into the kitchen. I had wondered why they didn’t follow me…and they were so…quiet…
      Peanut butter from counter to counter, floor to ceiling.
      My then 3 year old saw my face and said “Uh oh…Mommy’s going to kick a butt.”
      A perceptive child, even then.

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      • 58

        Lindsey says

        I had one of those gotta go momnts when my son was almost 2.5, his grandmother had gotten him 2 puppies for his birthday. I used to keep a sprayer bottle with floor cleaner that was deluded greatly with water in it on the counter behind the water faucet, behind it! Way up there. So i go to the bathroom, less than a minute later the puppies come screaming into the bathroom jumping all over me (while I’m on the toilet) soaking wet, smelling of flowers…… My son had done scaled the counter top by using the doors and draws, grabbed the sprayer from behind the faucet, climbed down, took off the sprayer and dumped it on the dogs….. I asked him why he done it, his response (while holding the bottle) ” I no do it” really? Seriously?!?

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    • 60

      Katie says

      This was a funny (and insightful) read during pregnancy — but now that my daughter is 5 months old I appreciate it so much more. Did most of you moms with 2+ little ones swear that you would stop at 1? I’m scared now!!

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  2. 62

    Kristin says

    My sisters are both pregnant with their first right now, my older sisters favorite thing to say when you ask her to do ANYTHING is to say she is busy…growing a baby. I *might* have told her to learn how to fucking multitask because this is the easiest pregnancy she will ever have.

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      • 64

        Bren says

        Jules, did anyone warn you that 2 is exactly double what one is? I thought, oh one more, how hard can it be? It. is. exactly. double. the. work. Ha. Consider yourself informed. And good luck with baby #2 – it is twice the smiles, also.
        P.S. Kristen: I can’t wait for my sister to have a baby if she ever falls into that trap. I will sit in the corner and sip my wine and try not to laugh out loud. I may burst into flames just thinking about that.

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        • 65

          tracy says

          When I was pregnant with my first, my (male) friend said, “You’re not a parent until you have two. And two is not just double the work, it is exponential.” I don’t know much about exponents, but he was right!

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          • 66

            Jenn says

            The ONE thing I say when people tell me they’re pregnant–side note, when men say “WE’RE pregnant!” harf harf– is that I will never ever give them parenting advice unless they explicitly ask me. I tell them, this is YOUR baby, growing inside YOU. You already know more about this child (especially their sleep habits) than I will ever know. Go with your instinct, and tell all those so-called helpful friends that you will take their sage wisdom “under advisement”. I also mention that yes, their vagina will tighten up and it won’t be like feeding a tic tac to a whale when you’re getting busy. Because, you know, that fucking terrified me, and no one said anything.

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          • 67

            Mel says

            bahahahah “Tic tac to a whale”! I couldn’t wrap my head around how I was supposed to force a human out of there and then in 6 short weeks have it not be like a hot dog down a hallway after being “cleared for intimacy”!

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  3. 70

    Sarah says

    Oh YES. I feel a lot of guilt over the Judgy McJudgerson I once was towards other moms. Thought I was All That when my 8-month old was perfect and gave advice to everyone freely about ‘how kids are’ and how to parent. I hang my head in shame. Getting my kids out the door at all is a feat — and yes, they probably have food on their faces, mismatches clothes, missing items. I try not to judge any mom now (except maybe Octomom because, I mean, REALLY).

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  4. 73

    Jeni Kramer says

    Had I only known…
    I would have been savoring those last few days instead of speed-waddling around the mall, stuffying my bloated face with spicy food, and (gah!) trying to have sex when I posess the agility of a manatee on Xanax, in an attempt to induce labor. I mean, good god, we went to a MOVIE in a THEATER the day before my due date! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to a movie? Seriously, do you? Because I can’t remember.

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  5. 79

    Kate@ zMOMbie.com says

    The dentist part is so true! I find it so relaxing now. Although, I was never warned about increased likelihood of cavities when pregnant…as if things aren’t rough enough!

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  6. 81

    Soni says

    Laughing my ass off – so thanks for that! I tried hard not to be a judgmental non-mom, but I can remember being irritated when I’d call my sister and my nephews would be hollering in the background, or asking her for something and I’d be all “shut those chickens up!!”. Karma is a bitch – I still can’t have a phone conversation without interruption and my kids are teenagers!! Well done.

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    • 82

      Donna says

      My son and daughter are grown now, each with a son and a daughter themselves. God Bless them and their spouses, I still remember how hard it was to have two kids 20 months apart. I remember the phone thing especially b/c it seemed like when I was on the phone it was *the only time* they desperately wanted to speak to me. “Mom, mom, mom, MOM, mom, MOM, MMMOOOMMM!”

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  7. 83

    Kiran@Masalachica.com says

    I swear to God, I would go back and bitch slap the old me who ever thought I could judge a mom. I used to tell my mommy friends condescending things like

    – “hey, make sure you workout! It will make you feel better! Oh, you don’t have time? Well wake up at 5 AM – before the kids do!”

    When i saw kids acting up, I would just look at my husband and smile, knowing how lucky we would be with the angels we brought into the world. That we would just BE better parents.

    And then my daughter came. Who I might as well have named Damien. And then my son came. And I should have just kept it easy and named his Damien 2.

    Love this post!

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    • 84

      Shannon says

      Oh, see I stick to the “make sure you work out.” thing. BECAUSE THE GYM HAS CHILDCARE FOR WHILE YOU SHOWER!!! I don’t have to wash my hair at 2 am, and I get time to condition it, too!

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        • 86

          Shannon says

          YES! Find one your kids like the child care area, and you will still hate working out but LOVE the gym. Make sure you check the child care policies before you sign up, though — we had one that would page us to come do diaper changes because they weren’t allowed to. Doesn’t sound like a big deal until you have two in diapers and you’re getting pulled out of a pool to run out and change your baby!

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        • 88

          Alicia Dupuis says

          Yes!! Seriously, that’s what my Y membership is for. I get to shower (for an hour) and then I take a nap on their couch (for another hour). It’s seriously worth every dime.

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        • 90

          Shannon says

          Search for gyms in your area and start calling around. The bigger the gym, the more likely they have childcare and that they take infants. The YMCA often does:)

          I have gone and worked out for 30 minutes and then spent 90 in the locker room so I could shower, blow dry my hair smooth, do my make-up…

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          • 91

            meghan says

            An uninterupted shower is the best part of the gym! I have been known to stay as long in the locker room as I did in the gym….best $40 per month one can spend :)

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    • 92

      Chrys says

      Pfft!!!

      My first pregnancy, I was all about how names were so important and can speak to a babies personality and such metaphysical babble and I’m not saying its not true. Buuuuttt, I wanted a balanced kid so I named after a demon and an angel. Yeah, I named him Damien micheal. (Spelling changed to protect mr not so innocent.) I was 18. My advice? Name your kid John. Lol

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  8. 94

    Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

    haha, yes, I love when people tell me that the reason I don’t work out is because I haven’t made it a priority. I’m like, yea, you’re right, it’s not a priority – I’m just trying not to let the house catch on fire!

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  9. 95

    J.M. says

    I laughed so hard the entire time I read this. I was the first to have a baby out of all my friends and the family members in my “age group”. I now have 4 kids. So when another parent says something to me about what I am doing or how they are acting I get frustrated. All my friends and some family are starting to catch up, finally. I have one friend who is on her very first baby, only about 14 wks into pregnancy and I swear she complains everyday. I want to bitch her out, instead I hold my tongue and just laugh, because I know she just doesnt have any idea whats to come.

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    • 96

      Mich_Bich says

      I was also the first out of my friends and the youngest.. So, of course I had no clue what I was doing.. I was young and dumb according to them.. And bx they all have nieces and nephews they all just knew everything. Yeah freakin right. Now two more of them have kids and guess who gets to say I told you so!!! I SOOOOO needed this right after I spawned my demon.. I love her to pieces, but what I wouldn’t give to have a couple do-overs!!!

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      • 97

        Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

        My sister is a “parenting” expert by degree, but doesn’t have kids yet. I’m just happy that she’s been open minded enough to realize that real life is different than life inside a research study…

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        • 98

          Bella says

          I am 35 and had my daughter at 22, son at 26. The first of my friends to have a child was about 4 years ago and it is so funny, now that mine are older and I can actually do things again, watching them run around after their kids. 10 years ago it was always: ring ring “Hey lets go out tonight; come to the beach, meet you there in 20mins; lets get a coffee….” Only now do they understand just HOW MUCH preparation it takes to do something when you have children. I would need at least a week notice to find a babysitter and at least 2 hours to get the kids fed, sunscreened, dressed, packed for the beach etc but they just never got it. KARMA.

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        • 99

          Heather G-K says

          Real life is worlds of difference apart from actual and physical life experience. I was and am a dually licensed NY state teacher (unemployed , SAHM at present), and presently chose to raise my only child (medical reasons – a healthy yet 38 year juvenile onset Dianbetes Mellitus Insulin Dependemnt Diabetc/IDDM since age 3). I used to be part ofte ignoramnt but bookwise knowledgeable crowd who didn;t have children, Being a parent from birth on is a lesson that nothing can replace, and that nothing teaches better…. It’s a lesson that is ongoing and that I value all aspects of, including the “hardship” type areas /harder areas of. My life is richer, FAR RICHER for the experience of being a mom. I wouldn’t trade this for anything! Chrsitopher is my greatest treasure and he IS where my HEART is….

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  10. 101

    tracey says

    Judging others in general is just something I try reallllly hard not to do anymore. Whether it be a mom of 20 years or a first time mom to be. I don’t know what they’re dealing with and I can’t spend the time to judge. I have my own issues to deal with!

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    • 102

      Kelly @ In the Mom Light says

      Agreed Tracey. I have been judged a lot in my life, which has presented challenges at different times. Although it sucked at the time, it has allowed me the awareness to be more in tune when I start doing the same thing to people.

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  11. 103

    Kristen Mae says

    Karma is a BITCH, especially when it comes to child-rearing!! I used to be VERY irritated with people who ‘couldn’t control’ their kids. Now I have a little boy with a very frustrating case of ADHD. (As if ADHD is ever NOT frustrating.)

    Okay, God. I got it. Don’t judge. Loud and clear. Thanks a ton.

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    • 104

      Shannon says

      Oh yeah… my oldest has ADD and I remember wondering what people were doing wrong that their kids wouldn’t listen. Um. Yeah. Now I have to actively make sure that my kid is tuned into me or he literally does not hear me! I also remember talking about how parents needed to accept a kid’s limits and not expect more than the kid could deliver in school — “some kids are just stupid!” (Yep, I’m heinous…) — and now I have an incredibly bright child who can’t learn the way most children do, because he can’t memorize.

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      • 105

        Tammy says

        It will all turn out well. ADD or ADHD, give them the love and support and they will find their way. Before the label, kids grew up and found their way. My ADHD daughter is doing amazingly well at 26 years, I’m so proud of her. P.S. It wasn’t easy for me OR HER!

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    • 106

      Michelle says

      My kids have actually been surprisingly well-behaved, not too much drama, until their teenage years.
      My friend’s teenager had been acting out and I would say to myself, “thank goodness my kids aren’t that way, if they ever talked to me that way, I’d…wait, they would never talk like that.” Haha the joke is on me, they just weren’t at that stage yet, i would take the terrible twos over this anyday.

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  12. 107

    Ali says

    HOLY FREAKIN CRAP KELLY!!!!! I don’t know you, but I love you. I almost peed my pants laughing! You are a flippin literary genius. I just want to be your friend after reading this.

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  13. 109

    Lorraine says

    Wow! Our baby is about to be one on Sunday and I’ve been thinking about all the stuff I wanted to do the first year and didn’t realize I won’t have time to do until our beautiful, strong willed girl is away at college.
    I wish I would have known how crazy it would be, but you are right, I never, EVER in my wildest dreams could imagine feeling love like this.
    Our daughter has never used the nursery we so lovingly spent over a thousand dollars on, she sleeps between us.
    This was perfect!
    Thanks for sharing.

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  14. 112

    Brandy says

    This had me laughing out loud. I used to judge mothers whose children were acting wild in public. Not my kids! Then I gave birth to a monkey that has just escaped from the zoo. My 2 year old will stay right by me, but no, my TEN YEAR OLD is the one who needs the baby leash. Thanks for showing the REAL picture of motherhood!

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  15. 113

    Mich_Bich says

    This was LOL funny.. I unfortunately had a great pregnancy but bad news from twelve weeks until thrity eight weeks.. So, uncertain of having a “normal” child or one with developmental delays kept me high stress the whole time pretty much. I gave birth via c-section much to my dismay after close-mindedly only wanting everything natural and picturing the perfect six hours of labor and three pushes later.. YEAH RIGHT!!! Three and a half days of being induced, fifteen hours of labor, an epidural at five cm later.. at 11:52 pm two weeks late.. Our monster arrived into this crazy world!! Wouldn’t trade her for a second, but holy cow.. NOTHING prepares you for the first year.. We’re on month sixteen and it gets a bit easier with time, but I can’t wait to NEVER do it again!!!

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