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1. “Do you know what you should name the baby?” Oh gosh, I knew I was forgetting something. I’ve spent the last nine months carrying her around while my body performed complex chemical reactions some people would call a miracle, turning random nucleic acids into a set of incredibly intricate blueprints to create her, but I’ve given absolutely no thought to a name for my baby. It’s not like I’ve been poring over names online, researching meanings, thinking about famous people in history or worrying over the possible names’ potential to rhyme with obscenities or certain body parts. In fact, that’s why I’m here at the grocery store. I ran out of ideas for names and thought I might find inspiration on the shelves. Thank goodness you came by or I might have named her Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
2. “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” So, my baby sleeps well when riding around in the car. Other suggestions?
3. “Don’t carry the baby everywhere because he/she will get spoiled.” Hi! This is my daughter, she’s the human equivalent of a larva, how do you suggest we move her?
4. “Breast milk is literally liquid gold.” You’re right! Thank you, kind stranger, that doesn’t sound like an overstatement at all. How could “liquid gold” ever be used to embellish anything? I should definitely feed my baby a molten metallic liquid, because that’s what literally means. But seeing as neither my friend nor myself is King Midas, our poor children will have to settle for Similac. Which, alas, is comparable to “liquid gold” only in price.
5. “Does the baby have a jacket? In case it gets cold?” No, this suitcase of a diaper bag I’m carrying is filled to the brim with only my parenting insecurities and tissue paper. Also, you’ll note said jacket-less baby is wearing a sweater and has a blanket covering the lower half of her body. She’s also tucked into a carrier better insulated than a Yeti cooler, and her father and I practically have to use hot mitts to get her out this thing. But thank you, itinerant person, for inquiring about the safety and well-being of my child.
6. “I just let my baby tell me when he/she was hungry.” Great, so you didn’t feed them until they were 18 months old. Smart. A real money saver.
7. “If she’s a girl, she should be wearing a bow.” May I shake your hand? I’d like to thank you, authorized gender expert, for simultaneously criticizing my choice of a neutral (NOT PINK) outfit for my daughter, while also questioning her sex, because as a new parent I sometimes feel overconfident.
8. “That baby sounds hungry.” Hi there! How exactly did you meet my daughter? Do you guys know each other from work? The golf course, maybe? Or perhaps you can interpret all animal sounds without ever previously spending time with said creature. If so, I’d really like to introduce you to my dog. If you could explain what he and the neighbor dog are constantly discussing at 5:30 a.m., I’d be grateful. I think they may just need a mediator and it’s all a big misunderstanding, but how would I know? I’m not an expert like yourself.
9. “When I was a kid our parents locked us out of the house until the sun went down.” Splendid, and look how well you turned out! Giving out advice to random new parents in the grocery store. Her father and I were thinking of letting her turn two before sending her out to make her own fortune. Fingers crossed she ends up as a parenting expert in a small town H-E-B.
10. “That baby is either hungry, tired or wet.” Oh thank you, Great Sage of Hobby Lobby. I bet you’re right. My guess was the recent economic downturn, but I guess that wouldn’t necessarily be age appropriate for a 5-month-old. Please do go on to solve the world’s problems by suggesting every likely possibility. We’re going to wait here and purchase these Easter basket fixins, but before we go to sleep tonight we’ll make sure to flip over to the news and see all that you have accomplished in your quest.
It’s somewhat astounding what people will say to parents. It’s as if the moment you become pregnant a sign, completely invisible to you, is strung around your neck that reads: Help me I’m so lost. I understand that most people just want to help, and they say it takes a village to raise a child, but do we have to treat the parents like they’re the idiots?
Related post: Parents Share Their Best Parenting Advice And You’ll Totally Tear Up
This post previously ran on curisome.com.
“Oh thank you, great Sage of Hobby Lobby”
This article is both relatable and hilarious!
Thanks for reading!
BM is like liquid gold. It’s rare, difficult to produce, valuable and comes at a dear cost.
The “sleep when the baby sleeps” is rich. I’d have not slept until she was in 5th grade I think! I would put her in a safe place (swing, then crib, then later child proofed gated nursery) and go to bed myself. Just because she didn’t want to sleep didn’t mean I was going to stay up forever. Now she is 11 and can sleep from 9:30p-6am with no problem but no way was I going to wait that long to sleep through the night. Ha ha ha.
I think people can’t help saying “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. I think it just tumbles from their mouths before they can stop it Turrets style.
I always took it to mean, especially those first few weeks, when the baby is getting up every 2-3 hours, to let yourself take naps too. The dishes, laundry, vacuuming can wait a while longer. I know that’s what I did when my kids were babies. Especially on the rare occasion that both were napping at the same time (16 months apart) and I was exhausted.
I agree, Alicia. That’s actually the one good piece of advice on this list. A lot of new moms won’t nap when their infant is sleeping because of everything else that needs to be done. I think it’s OK to tell a new mom “Hey, take care of yourself… everything else can wait.”
Liza,
Your writing style and humor are just wonderful! I laughed so hard, esp. at #7: “May I shake your hand? I’d like to thank you, authorized gender expert [. . . ]” Hahaha!
I too keep my girl in neutral colors if possible, have been known to dress her in “boy’s” clothes and shoes (which are warmer in the winter or more practical), and I never put one of those ridiculously tacky bow/hair-band contraptions on her as a baby. Yet on the days she happened to be wearing mostly pink, there would still always be someone asking if she was a boy or a girl. What the … ?
Thanks love!
And don’t let any amount of grocery store skepticism keep you from dressing your girl comfortably. #WeWearGray
i SERIOUSLY hate those stupid bows, they do not look comfortable for the poor baby at all, so whose benefit are they for??
My youngest is MtF trans. She fooled those experts good!
Yup – would take my baby daughter out in a pink dress, and people would still call her a boy. She was bald until she was two and hated headbands, which I think threw people off. That, or they just weren’t using their eyeballs and common sense…
Oh, Liza, you really aced it! Beautifully satirical and right on target! I agree that some of these comment just”tumble out”; they are clichés that people feel obligated to share with young parents. I will definitely think twice about saying them ever again and will think of you three each time I do.
Thank you MJ! I’m glad you liked it <3
I always loved “the baby’s crying because he needs something” NO KIDDING! Loved this article, very funny.
Pam
You can always spot a Texan through an H-E-B reference!
These are truth. The BM thing too. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out … One of 10 million mommy guilt inducers I’ve met the last several months.
Too funny and too true!
When my daughter was only a few months old I was having a hellish trip to the grocery store with her and my two yearold son. This elderly man came up to us and coo’d over the kids, even while my boy had cleared the isle with his tantrm and TOOK my baby girls soother OUT of her mouth and told me the “these things will make her a suck. Nwo and later in life.” He tossed the soother in my cart, handed my boy a dollar and left.
Did you beat him to death with a package of diaper wipes? If not, congratulations on your restraint!
Spot on. Let’s not forget, though, the best of the best: “Treasure this time.” This little gem is never spoken unless you’re about to cry, rip your hair out, swear off all children including your own. Baby vomit? Treasure it! Tantrum in the middle of a store? Treasure it! Something precious to you is ruined? Treasure it!
I love my kids. I know time with them is short. Spare the guilt trip over struggling with the hard parts!
I wish I’d treasured it more. At least when my teenage son was a baby, I had an excuse for being tired, cranky, and less than put together. lol. Looking back, I can treasure it so much, but at the time, BLAH! lol
Bwahahaha! I love it, Kraft Mac and cheese is the best baby name ever so much better than say Apple. I adore this, sharing!
They can run their mouth any way they like as long as they don’t touch my stomach while I am pregnant or touch the baby (after they are born.) I just tune them out!