Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Jacki is a book-obsessed, Capricorn (i.e. stubborn) mom who writes about exploring the magic of her life at The Raven’s Spell. While she struggles to balance work and going back to school, she also walks the often confusing line of blending two families and raising her son in a non-mainstream religion. Somehow, she manages to keep her head above water and finds a way to enjoy it all.
There comes a moment in every first mother’s life when a realization sinks in, the realization that they are a mom. Sometimes that moment sinks in right as their child is born, sometimes it is weeks later, maybe even months. Sometimes that feeling comes and goes, never truly sinking in for years. For me, realizing I was a mom came a day after my son was born.
My son was born early on a Wednesday morning. I will forever remember what day of the week because his arrival meant I missed an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for which I will never forgive him. My brother had been visiting for several days as his spring break happened to fall around my due date. However, with much regret, I said good-bye to my brother still big as a balloon, and soon discovered my future son’s sense of humor. My water broke in the same moments that my brother was boarding his plane.
The labor was pretty straight forward, until my son refused to come out. After pushing for longer than I wanted (okay, I didn’t really want to push for more than 2 minutes, but I held out), it was decided that I would undergo a C-section. It was with this decision that my labor, and the birth of my son, became very hazy.
I do not remember much after being strapped down to the chair and the doctors hoping that I would not feel the incision as the epidural wasn’t really working the way it was supposed to. I do not remember my son being pulled from me. I do remember frantically asking if he was okay and not getting an answer. I do remember screaming, “Does he have all his fingers and toes” like that would mean everything was fine. His father nodded, too choked up to speak. And all went black.
I remember returning to my room and looking at my new born son and saying, “Man, he has a funny head.” And all went black.
Most of that day remains fuzzy, and was so at the time. There were lots of people coming in and out to visit and wish us well. There was me, swelled up to popping, with a child stuck to my boob. There was me wishing I could stand up. Those I remember. Details are gone and therefore any real chance of having life changing realizations about the whooping big transition I had just made.
The next day was better. In fact, I clearly remember standing by the side of my hospital bed with my infant son tucked in my arms, rocking like we so instinctively rock. I cooed, I ssshhh’ed, I bounced. I did everything I could to keep him calm so I could watch my tape of Buffy.
In those 60 minutes, I watched that tape, I held my son in one arm, and I shoveled food into my mouth with my free hand. In those minutes, my grandparents arrived, and I continued all of the above while playing hostess. It was easy enough, although a little frustrating as nothing was really given 100%. But in those 60 minutes, for just a brief moment, I remember looking down into my baby’s face and then all around me. I remember hearing the “Aha”.
In those moments I realized that my skills at multi-tasking had completely quadrupled in a matter of a day. Just one of the many skills that makes a mom, and now I was one.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Awwwwwwwwww. I love baby stories : ) I am so glad you were able to finish watching your Vampire episode!
Glad to see that someone else understands what was truly important that day.
I must know…which episode was it?!
Thank you for having Jacki as your guest writer. I appreciate knowing that there really are other Pagan mothers out there with a “blog”. (a term in which I LOATHE!)
After starting my own recently, I went on a search for other mother’s and father’s that are sharing their life frustrations in an honest not all unicorn farts and fairy rainbows way and letting others know it’s alright to envision a swift throat punch to those that deserve it and most I came across were mainstream or born again Christian. While I have an interest in all religions and respect the beliefs of every individual, it is nice to finally come across a parent with an “alternative spirituality” that I am somewhat able to relate to.
I love Scary Mommy and believe that I fit the profile of one quite well.
When I first entered the blogosphere, I felt very left out. Finding pagan mommy blogs was incredibly difficult and even most of those follow a very different form of paganism than me. I am much more philosophical about my beliefs and not much of a hands-on kind of gal, so all the “let’s make incense” sites did nothing for me (not that they don’t have their place). I complained that I felt very alone, like I didn’t fit anywhere. So a good friend suggested I just stick myself out there because there were likely many who felt the same as myself.
Hi there..Loved the blog and some of the comments. Although I am a born again Christian, I do not spew the unicorn farts and rainbows (love the image, BTW) of other similar sites. I am honest about how being a mother can be wonderful, and suck as well. I do not own one prairie dress and I struggle with motherhood on a daily basis. If you want, visit my “blog” (I know, I hate that term too, but rant sounds so negative) and maybe you’ll change your mind….I love to hear other points of view, too…I would love to have you visit.
I want to read more stories of baby..
Man, I’ve got a ton of them. And today he started 4th grade, so not much of a baby any longer.
I think it really sunk in only after I went back to work after having 1st kid and baby cried in the bus. I wasn’t annoyed, first thought was: “Ha-haa that’s not mine, I don’t have to do anything about it!”
HA! I remember those moments. Amazing how much more tolerance we have about screaming babies when we are just thankful that the child isn’t ours this time.
I love this story. I haven’t had kids of my own yet, but I am a step-mom and I own my own family health coaching/holistic daycare business, The Lovejoy Center. I sometimes forget I’m even *capable* of having my own, since something inside me still feels like a kid. I’m thrilled to hear of great experiences like this one.
How lovely, it funny how you imagine what this expeience will be like and then within what feels like minutes is over.
This is a wonderful post.
I didn’t feel like a mom until my daughter was about 5 months old, but when it hit I knew it!!
Oh, tell me more. What happened to make it finally sink in?
You know that Bill Cosby routine where he describes childbirth? Then the baby comes out and he says, darling…you just had a lizard. That was me, too. But something clicked inside–and the kid got cuter–and I finally felt like a mom. It didn’t get really good until he was able to return my hug–that’s the best feeling ever.
I get so caught up in the every day go go go and doing what needs to be done that it escapes me that I’m doing this stuff BECAUSE I’m a mom then I will do or say something so small and inconsequential that stops me in my tracks and the realization that I’m a mother hits me all over again. (longest sentence ever? Sheesh!).
Which episode of Buffy was it? ;) Good story.
Lovely ‘moment of realisation’!
Mine came when, after the planned (well last-minute-planned as the hospital lost my notes and almost let me go through a life-threatening (despite my protestations) natural birth) C-section. I was handed the daughter, who had been proving her ‘good set of lungs’ since the moment she and I had been separated. The MOMENT she smelled me/felt my hands/saw my face (I’m, in truth, not sure which sensation caused it) she stopped bawling and started sucking.
I was truly glad someone seemed to know what they were doing!!
Multi-tasking: number one mom skill!
Mine happened the first time my first got a high fever (3months old with a UTI), I had no clue what to do, he was screaming and shaking and I realized I was in charge of solving the situation and making him feel better. Scary!
Oh that first time you have to deal with an emergency is so scary and really does drive home that you are the responsible grown-up now. Thanks for sharing.
I am new to blogosphere and I found your blog quite different, interesting. I will try Raven Spell too.
I think the moment I BECAME a mom was probably after we went home from the hospital. Family came in to see our new bundle right on the heels of her birth so I had to share my baby right away. This one particular moment someone else had been holding her and she fell asleep. This person asked if I wanted her back or to put her in her bassinet. I said bassinet cuz I thought, “oh I don’t need to hold her while she’s sleeping”. A few miniutes later I had this really strong feeling of NEEDING to hold her. So I got up and picked her up out of the bassinet and sat back down with her. Everyone looked at me funny. I said, “I couldn’t do it. I have to hold her.”
I don’t think my “I have to hold him” feeling has gone away yet and he is 9!
Well, I guess you found the edit useful after all. You’re welcome. And you should really give credit to people who take their time to help you–or at least thank them for their time.
I told you that this was a guest post and I would be deleting your unsolicited advice. You are a piece of work.
Yes, but you still USED my advice. See how that works?
Get a freaking hobby. It’s a guest post, not a friggin Masters Degree dissertation. Holy shit. What are you, 6?
It’s so true, realization came you finally hold your baby..The first day,month and year being a mom i didn’t feel scared at all. Everythings
fine and smooth…very nice story.
Becoming a mom is amazing.