7 Ways To Freak Out An Expectant Mom

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She’s had her family baby shower, her friend baby shower, and her work baby shower. She’s set up the nursery… and rearranged it seven times. She’s been to the birthing class, had the firemen install her car seat, and her hospital bag is ready to go and packed with the necessities like essential oils, candles, a Celine Dion CD, a picture of her on her wedding day, and a baby name book just in case she changes her mind once she sees her little one for the first time. This is the perfect time to completely freak her out with some of the less talked about issues following the birth of her first baby.

1. Tell her how much your body hurts after giving birth to a kid. We all know that the act of child birth is painful. Just watch any Hollywood depiction of bringing a kid into this world and you’ll see all the screaming, sweat, and tears you need to convince you that, yes, having a kid is literally a pain in the bajingo. What we don’t see too often is the new mom struggling to sit down or, heaven forbid, stand up. That area which mere hours before pushed a watermelon through a cheerio is now as sore as the Pillsbury Dough Boy after doing a triathlon. It. Hurts. And that’s just standing up. Sex? Please hold while I laugh…

2. Tell her how much your body has changed. Why not point to the place your boobs used to be? Or explain to her that there was a time not so long ago when your abs were tight and toned and now you can’t wear anything that doesn’t have an empire waist to hide the stretch-marked Play-Doh blob you call a belly.

3. Tell her your baby still isn’t sleeping through the night… and he’s six. Once the new car smell has morphed into blowout diaper scent, new moms begin to wonder when their child will magically sleep through the night. Because once they start doing that at 4 months, you’re set, right? Tell her about teething, night terrors, colds and growth spurts. Give her a kind smile and say, “I’m sure your kid will be a perfect sleeper, though.”

4. If she’s married, tell her that every itty bitty problem she and her partner used to have will now become the size of a killer whale. Sleep deprivation, learning to live with a cranky, colicky, drool monkey, and figuring out what role you each play in the development of your newborn bundle of joy can really screw up a marriage. You suddenly forget how to communicate and, if you weren’t the best at communicating before, it’s an uphill battle.

5. Tell her your daughter was speaking in adult-like sentences at seven months. Or anything else that fills her with concern that her child won’t be able to “keep up.” After all, her kid isn’t even here yet, so of course she should be worried that her child won’t be smart or liked or will be the smelly kid. It’s not like she has anything else to worry about.

6. Tell her the hospital bills never stop coming. My son is 16 months old and we recently received a bill from his birth because the insurance “finally came through.” Awesome. I’ll be waiting for the next bill while getting him ready for high school graduation.  And if the bill from his birth are coming in now, I imagine I’ll still be paying off his well check exams while celebrating his 40th birthday.

7. Tell her what an awesome mom she’s going to be. Okay, this one won’t freak her out. But after everything you just put her through, the least you can do is encourage her a bit, don’t ya think?

Related post: A Letter To My Pregnant, Child-Less Self…

5 Things I Learned From My Working Mom

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Working moms worry about many things: How are they going to fit everything into 24 hours a day? How will they stay sane? And, most importantly, how will their decision to work affect their children?

The truth is that working moms are awesome and no one knows this as well as I do. My mom was the main breadwinner of my family, and always has been. And even though I became a SAHM, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve learned from my mom. Starting with these things…

1. Do what you love. My brother and I are always joking how our parents spoiled us work-wise. Both my father and my mom love their jobs and since this is all that we know, we won’t settle for anything less. I believe that everyone should have something that they love doing. This can be a job, a hobby, a passion, a dream– anything really, and it doesn’t have to be big, either. Because if we have at least one thing we love doing, our lives will be a little bit brighter.

2. Work hard. My mom was not only brilliant at her job, she also worked extremely hard at it, and made sure that everything she did was done well. And she was right, because hard work pays off for everyone. Maybe we want to be good at what we’re doing, or we work hard to support our family. But whatever it is we want to do, we should put lots of thought and effort into it.

3. Take care of your needs. My mom needed a lot of alone time and since I’ve had children, I do, too. It’s one of the reasons I send my children to daycare even though I don’t work. I don’t function very well without down time, and I can fully understand every mother who feels the same way. After all, every parent needs some time to switch off, regroup, and actually finish that cup of coffee. Our needs are just as important as the needs of our children, they’re just easier to ignore.

4. Never judge other mothers. My mother has always been the type who did her own thing and never cared what others thought of her. She just wanted to do her job, and to do it well. But she never judged other mothers whether they decided to stay at home or work. Her point is that everyone just does their best according to their circumstances, personal traits and possibilities, and that judgment never makes sense. I believe it’s a good philosophy to live by.

5. Be a role model for your children. A friend once told me one of the reasons she works is because she has daughters. It’s very important to show girls- and boys- that mothers can work, even if the whole world may tell them that they shouldn’t. I am a SAHM but I sometimes talk about gender roles with my children. Thanks to my mom, I can tell them: “Of course women can work; after all, your grandmother does too!” My mother has always stressed the importance that being independent has for women and I fully agree.

Having a working mother is a gift. Without her, I wouldn’t even know what is possible. I wouldn’t work so hard to pursue my dreams. And of course I want to provide the same inspiration and be a role model to my children as well.

If you are a working mother, please remember that not only will your children take no harm from you having a job, but will very likely to be grateful to have such a hardworking, inspiring mother.

Related post: I Regret Not Working When My Kids Were Little

9 Assholes Your Kid Will End Up Friends With

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Every kid has a friend their parent wishes they didn’t have. Now, now, before you guys get all rageface at me, I know it isn’t NICE to make fun of kids, but if you want nice you probably shouldn’t be reading one of my articles because I’m a Bitchy McBitchface. Plus, I enjoy making fun of stupid kids.

The issue with these kids is that they are not dangerous, or evil, but they are just annoying enough where they make your parental skin crawl and you find yourself slightly discouraging your kid from hanging out with them, making subtle comments like “For fuck’s sake, don’t you have any OTHER friends?” The kid that annoys you is the kid that your own kid will become BFF FOREVER EVER with. Trust me. Sure, maybe these kids have actual mental problems and the reason they behave this way is because there is some deep-seated psychological issues going on but I so don’t care because I’m not a child psychologist and as long as I KNOW these kids aren’t being abused or neglected or their brand new puppy just died in some horrific tragic house fire which also killed their pet iguana and burned all their toys to the ground then I’m just making the assumption they are annoying for no damn good reason. They aren’t technically the spawn of satan, they aren’t putting your kid in actual physical danger, but they are doing something like picking their creepy little noses and rubbing it on your damn walls when they think you aren’t looking.

1. The Kid Who Cries All The Time. This is the kid who when the parent dropped them off at a playdate stood in your doorway for ten minutes kissing their parent goodbye. They looked really sad about coming over to your house to play and eat delicious snacks. This kid had a total meltdown and started sobbing when your kid suggested they stopped playing a board game and went outside to play on the swings instead. This is the same kid who gets dropped off to your kid’s birthday party and ten minutes into it digs a folded up wad of paper out of their shoe to call their mom to come get them.

2. The Bad Idea Kid. This is the kid that talks your kid into doing stuff your own kid would never normally do. Your own kid knows this is a BAD idea, but when they are around this kid you are suddenly NOT HEARING ANY NOISE FROM UPSTAIRS and when you go to check on them they have locked themselves in the bathroom and are giving your poor cat a bath.

3. The Kid Who Wants To Be Your BFF Rather Than Your Kid’s. AKA The “Stalker kid.” This is the kid who comes over and instead of playing with your kid they want to play with you. This happened a few years ago but I once had a kid who would follow me all around my house no matter what I was doing, leaving my son all alone with a pile of a Legos and a pile of Goldfish crackers. I swear to Brit-Brit, this kid folded laundry. WITH ME. And when we were done the kid looked at me and said “What do you want to do next?” Yeah, yeah, it’s cute when a kid likes you but I wanted them to play with MY kid. Had I wanted someone to play with me I would have made my husband stay home from work.

4. The Sancti-Mommy-Or-Daddy In Training. This kid will constantly tell you “This is not how we do things at my house.” Whether it be what you are serving for dinner, what toys your kids have, or what you are watching on TV. Once a kid was over and they walked into MY Bedroom for two seconds to inform me they heard BAD WORDS coming from my TV. I think I was watching Scandal. This same kid told me when I was enjoying a refreshing beverage that ONLY BAD PEOPLE DRINK DIET COKE. No lie.

5. The Randomly Filthy Kid. This kid looked perfectly normal when their parents dropped them off. But within ten minutes of being at your house they will be filthy, your house will be filthy, and the majority of the playdate will be spent either cleaning them up or cleaning up after them. This is the kid who uses their pants and shirt instead of a napkin. This is the kid who wipes their nose on your walls. This is the kid who has to be reminded to take their shoes off after playing outside because their shoes will somehow magically be covered in mud, even though it hasn’t rained in week. This is the kid that never, ever, flushes the toilet after using it. Ever.

6. The 7-Year-Old-Going-On-19. Almost every playdate with this kid involves a makeover or doing manicures or asking if they can watch videos of Katy Perry. You will overhear this kid talk a lot about which boys she thinks are cute in class. She will also tell your own kid that eating candy makes you fat.

7. The Kid Who Is Always Bored. A close relative of the Kid Who Cries All The Time, this kid will be bored within 15 minutes of entering your home, no matter what you are doing. It doesn’t matter how many toys you have, how many video game systems, or if you just took the kids to see a movie, to buy a new toy at Toys R’ Us, followed up by a damn trip to Chuck E. Cheese and you stopped on the way home to get ice cream. This kid is bored. And they will tell you so, constantly. And if they aren’t telling you so, then they will walk around your house with their shoulders slumped sighing a lot like you are running an improv class and their assignment is to “act bored.”

8. The Totally Destructive Kid. This kid breaks stuff. All the time. And throws things. All The Time. I have no clue why, but if you ask them nicely to stop throwing things or play more carefully it doesn’t not work. Rocks from your garden thrown in your driveway? That kid did that. Jumping off the top of the stairs to the lower landing? That’s fun too. Your own kid will always end up with a black eye or busted lip after this kid comes over.

9. The “I Don’t Have To Kid”. Probably the worst kid of all, the I Don’t Have To Kid is the one that drives me the most batshit. This is the kid that will fight you on everything. Help clean up toys after playing? I don’t have to. Stop trying to ride the dog like a pony? I don’t have to. Not use your kid’s bed as a trampoline? I don’t have to. Usually followed by BECAUSE MY MOMMY SAYS I DON’T HAVE TO. So blame the parents on this one. The only upside to this kid is that they are so used to replying to every request that you make with I don’t have to that you can sometimes fuck with them by saying stuff like “Why don’t you come down here and I will get you some ice cream” and before they realize what you have asked them, they reply with, yup, you guessed it.

Related post: 50 Ways Other People’s Kids Suck

Originally published on Mommyish. Read more here

How to Wake a Tween Boy For School

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1. Five minutes prior to going to his room, psych yourself up for the challenge before you.

2. One minute out, take a big swig of your second cup of coffee and find your zen before embarking on the sights and smells that are awaiting.

3. Step on some stray Legos, holding your scream in as to not wake the rest of the neighborhood.

4. Take a deep breath.

5. Slowly open the door and avert your gaze from the floor where half of the clothes you carefully folded yesterday are now in a massive wadded heap.

6. Shake your head in disgust at the waft of what smells like old socks, Axe spray and butt.

7. Be careful to look only at your sweet child’s face as being a tween boy he may be rocking the “Al Bundy hand move”.

8. Reach out and touch his arm, saying, “Honey, it’s time to wake up”- because home is the only place you can refer to him as honey, sweetie or sweetheart anymore.

9. Try to decipher the guttural, cave boy like sounds that he makes.

10. Repeat step eight.

11. Pull the covers off of him.

12. Mutter under your breath that you never thought you would be cursing a child that was sleeping in.

13. Repeat step eight.

14. Warn him that he will not have time to brush his teeth if he does not get up.

15. Remember that he does not care if he brushes his teeth.

16. Tell him to get up and that you do not have time to return to the room.

17. Go back to the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and realize he is still not up.

18. Repeat steps one through nine.

19. Answer his question of why he “has to go” for the 33rd time so far this year.

20. Tell him he will not have time to eat breakfast if he does not get up.

21. Watch him slowly move out of the bed.

22. Smile, knowing you have achieved something great and leave the room.

23. After 15 minutes of no movement from his room, repeat steps one through four.

24. Gag, having forgotten about the stench that would greet you at his door.

25. Find him still sitting on the floor looking into his closet like a pig looking at a wristwatch.

26. Beg. Beg him to just get dressed. You know he will not match, anyway.

27. Cock your head to the side, remembering the darling days of Garanimals and Gymboree.

28. Come back to the reality of dirty socks, wrinkled clothes and half brushed teeth (if you are lucky).

29. Warn him one more time.

30. Leave the room, resigned to the fact you will send him no matter what he comes to breakfast looking like.

31. Get his breakfast ready.

32. Quietly call for him, careful not to wake the younger child who you do not want up yet.

33. Repeat step 32.

34. Repeat step 32.

35. Repeat step 32.

36. Greet him as he has finally come to the kitchen.

37. Ask him five times to sit down while he eats and to please use his fork.

38. Ask him if he might like to change into a shirt that does not look like it had been stored in a sandwich bag.

39. Listen as he tells you about the 8th grade cheerleaders that “keep giving him hugs”.

40. In your head, curse the little hussies and their mothers, too.

41. Get out the broom, thinking he makes as much mess eating as he did when he sat in a booster seat.

42. Remind him he needs to brush his teeth.

43. Put the last of his books in his backpack wondering why in the world he has rocks in there. Literally, rocks.

44. Ask him if he has brushed his teeth.

45. Put the lid on the juice he poured and left on the counter.

46. Wipe up the spill he made.

47. Ask him if he brushed his teeth.

48. Quiz him on the two study guide items he got wrong last night.

49. Tell him you know he did not brush his teeth.

50. Give him a quick lecture on dental hygiene and tell him to go to the door.

51. Tell him three more times to go to the door and what to take with him.

52. Pick up two of the items you told him to take with him and head to the door.

53. Look on the bright side; he still needs you for something.

54. Pat yourself on the back. He is on the porch! He is going! The tween boy has left the building!

Related post: How To Wake A Sleeping Teenager