7 Things to Love About Caillou

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CaillouFor those of you not yet familiar with the mind-numbing Sprout television show Caillou, quit bragging, you lucky a-holes. My daughter can barely put a sentence together, but she can screech “MORE CAILLOU!” at volume 60 in three different languages.

Even though this Canadian toddler is the epitome of aggravation with his whiny voice, obnoxious giggle, and incessant pouting, I think we as parents are failing to acknowledge the power that is Caillou. On the surface, the show appears to glorify a spoiled brat and his Ginger sister, but peel back the layers, dear readers, and uncover the invaluable life lessons within…

 

1. Drugs Are Bad. Constant snacking and a lesson in tie-dying? Someone’s been taking hits from the bong and it’s Caillou’s Grandma. This pothead Granny illustrates the negative influence of drugs through her overzealous narration (CAILLOU WAS FEELING VERY FRUSTRATED! WEEEEE!!!!) and by allowing wild birds to peck at her in the park. Just say no, kids.

_cgmaki2. Accessorizing the Home. Caillou’s house is an acid trip gone wrong (and, I think, to blame for his childhood baldness). With a daily dosage of Caillou, kids are sure to opt for home décor that is both aesthetically pleasing and soothing to the soul. Accessorizing rule of thumb: when in doubt, choose earth tones over a-rainbow-took-a-shit-in-the-playroom tones.

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3. Stay in School. Poor Ms. Martin. If she wanted to be a real teacher, she should have taken college a little more seriously. Now she’s stuck working as a glorified babysitter, taking Caillou and crew on nature walks to find pine cones and raccoon crap. She deserves it for wearing overalls after 1985.

 

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4. The Dangers of Child Luring. With creepy neighbor Mr. Hinkle as Exhibit A, young children will learn to recognize the signs of child luring and pedophilia. “No, Mr. Hinkle, we do not want to visit your ‘sister’s farm’ and ‘milk some cows.’” Perv.

5. Affordable Health Care. Mommy rarely loses her shit on her demon spawn; in fact, she’s usually humming to herself or peacefully reading on the couch while her kids play in the street. Caillou teaches children the direct correlation between accessibility to Prozac and successful parenting.

6. Equality. Caillou’s pals hail from wide-ranging backgrounds which acclimates his young audience to different races and religions. And nothin’ screams genuine ethnic diversity like a black kid playing the tuba or a red-headed Jew. I got 99 problems, but Mazel Tov, son.

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7. The Importance of Personal Hygiene. Daddy needs a haircut. Caillou needs a wig. Mommy needs to get off of her frumpy ass and make the iron her friend. And Grandpa needs a new diaper; he soiled himself three episodes ago, but Grandma has been too stoned to notice. After witnessing this hot mess of characters, children will be begging to brush their teeth.

_Cgpa

If the aforementioned lessons aren’t enough, let us not forget the most beneficial side effect of Caillou: Kids in a TV coma for 25 minutes.

Can’t beat that.

Comments

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  1. 1

    Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog says

    I’ve never heard any child whine like Caillou! Even his cat/puppet/animated pet wants to get away from him. Yet, somehow kids are fascinated by him…I’m working on getting my kids into some quality tv like SNL and the Carrie Diaries…

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  2. 12

    Erika Boettcher says

    OMG…this is hysterical!! From a mom who suffered through years of Caillou, and a son who even carried a Caillou doll around for a time (he is now 11) I thought I was the only one who just didn’t get this show!?!? The light at the end of the tunnel is they eventually move on to more annoying things…Pokemon, Club Penguin, Minecraft…

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  3. 15

    Hannah says

    Oh my gosh this is fantastic!! I can not stand Caillou, my daughter just LOVES him. He whines and whines and whines, and I don’t see how his parents are so calm. But Prozac has to be the only way haha. He’s AWFUL!

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  4. 16

    Monica says

    So funny! From the facebook post I thought this would talk about how kids learn about the fire station and some other bs that a friend has told me. Thank god I don’t nanny anymore, and I have the power to say Caillou isn’t allowed in our house. If I do have to suffer through it ever again atleast I have your lessons to keep me laughing through it.

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  5. 20

    Suzy says

    I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t mind Caillou. It’s not as cool as Yo Gabba Gabba, but it’s worlds better than the jumping idiots on Fresh Beat Band. And I dread the day that my kid wants to watch garbage like I Carly or anything teen-like on Disney. This is why we have Japanese anime like Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro. And of course my 3 year old daughter also knows the name of every Star Wars bounty hunter. It’s all about steering your kid towards decent programming lol!

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