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Remember your pre-baby body? The one that could pull all-nighters and sneeze without having to change out your under garments? I remember it too, and I miss it immensely.
While pregnant I took every precaution known to man to try and preserve my pre-baby body. I did pelvic exercises to save my lady parts. I lathered myself up with oil every night to try and prevent stretch marks. I ate extremely healthy (well, minus the ice cream) and exercised religiously to help prevent excessive weight gain. I even wore special bras that claimed to help maintain “perkiness”.
Fortunately my efforts did prevent a few catastrophes, but sadly there were other parts of my body I had to bid farewell. Since both of my boys are apparently decedents of Bigfoot, my petite body took quite a beating. My once beautiful, bragging-rights, rack is now nothing but a couple of enlarged milk bags destined for surgery. Trust me when I say, they won’t even show their face in a pitch-black room until further notice.
Let’s compare to what once was. Shall we?
1. Boobs. Every mom I talk to misses her pre-baby or pregnancy boobs. After babies, they end up too big or shriveled up little raisins. Why can’t we have an in-between? Why must our boobs now resemble deflated tube socks or look like they were set out in the sun for three days straight without sunscreen? Not fair.
2. Nipples. Now referred to as giant flying saucers. If you’re a breastfeeding mom, you’ve lost all feeling, too. Awesome.
3. Bladder. I once was the queen of holding my bladder all day at work. Not because I wanted to, but because I was always so busy. Now my bladder controls me. Go time – means go time. Who knew once you became a mom you would no longer be able to sneeze, laugh, or cough without saying a silent prayer to the bladder control Gods. (This was the second highest complaint I’ve heard from all my mom friends.)
4. Hair. Women with thick hair – beware. I use to have this lovely, thick flowing mane. My hair was my thing. People always complimented me on it. Now, after months of pulling handfuls out in the shower, I have feathered wings. I would fit perfectly back in the 80’s.
5. Butt. For some reason my butt decided to melt into my legs with my last pregnancy. Nothing a few thousand squats at the gym won’t fix, because as a busy mom I have time for that, right?
6. Feet. With the rest of our bodies changing so much you’d think we could catch a break on our feet. Not so much. My feet grew a half size and never returned to their original state. Goodbye to all my old cute heels I spent a fortune on!
7. Brain. Riddle me this: How can I remember my telephone number from when I was five years old, but can’t remember where I put my phone or keys everyday? I also can’t remember what I did yesterday half the time. Having kids makes you lose your mind. Literally.
8. Tummy. Not that I had washboard abs prior to pregnancy, but I definitely didn’t look like I won a burrito eating contest everyday, like I do now.
Was going through all this worth it? Yes. Would we do it all over again for our babies? Yes. These obviously go without saying, but while we’re being honest here – wouldn’t it be nice if we could wear a dress without squeezing into Spanx, and play jump rope with our kids without peeing ourselves? I know the answer, and so do you.
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