Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Insane Works of Sandwich Art - May 19, 2013
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
Jen Havice is a blogger at When Pigs Fly, writer and forty something recovering people pleaser. When she is not commenting on such things as the ridiculous state of pop culture, Jen can be found riding her horses, cleaning her house and helping small businesses make sense out of social media. Jen lives in Minnesota with her husband, cat and two very amusing large dogs.
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“You’ve really got to get yourself one of these,” my friend’s husband said to me while pointing at his five-year-old daughter.
“I’m going to pass.” I looked at him and smiled, trying to be pleasant. While I’m fairly confident he didn’t mean to sound like having a child was as easy as picking up a pack of sea monkeys from Target, the comment left me bristling.
Sensing my uneasiness, he continued, “I just mean that you’d make wonderful parents.”
“I don’t need to have a child. I can borrow yours whenever I want ” I toasted to his good fortune at having free babysitting and then took another swig of my drink.
This topic of conversation has come up more than once and it always seems to be the men who start it with me. Most women wouldn’t be stupid enough to casually drop that kind of line in public on another woman. It would be kind of like me saying to my friend’s husband, “You know, they’re doing great things with hair plugs these days.” I don’t understand why one would tolerate going bald but I’m not going to question another person’s right to let it happen. Well, I’m not going to do it in front of a room full of people at least.
Don’t get me wrong. I like children. Let me be more specific. I like some children. I have two very close friends with kids who I adore. They are sweet and fun and when we’ve all had enough of each other, I can go home without them. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing of my girlfriends.
For as much as my friends love their children with all of their hearts, there are times when I know they wouldn’t mind trading places with me just for a few hours. Generally, this is when the husband is out of town, it’s 8pm in the evening and one of them is struggling to keep it together between the kids fighting over who ate the last cookie and the dog peeing on the floor.
This is when I get a text along the lines of, “Crap, I’ve run out of gin,” followed by, “Just knock me unconscious now.”
I try to be consoling by writing something to the effect of, “This too shall pass,” and “If it makes you feel any better the cat puked on the cream carpet and I’m drinking warm Pinot Grigio.”
I know this doesn’t make her feel any better but I clearly have nothing on her in the one upmanship department and can only hope to get her to crack a smile.
The reality is that there are times when I wouldn’t mind trading a few hours with her. When her little boy whispers a secret in her ear because she is the only person he wants to tell, my heart breaks just a little. I know that I will never have that hug that only a child can give his mother. It is singular and special and an experience that eludes me.
This isn’t to say that I’m unhappy not having children. I’m truly not. It’s just that there are moments when all of us miss something we don’t have. For my friends, it’s those times before children when the ultimate responsibility of raising a person wasn’t on the table. For me, it’s a relationship I’ve never known.
I’m sure this is what my friend’s husband was getting at that day he told me I needed a child. I understand. I know what I’m missing. What he fails to recognize is that it doesn’t mean I want his life.
I enjoy being the pseudo aunt to my friends’ children. I buy great gifts, I enjoy watching animated movies, I never tire of eating pizza, and I always carry gum. Plus, I keep gin in the house in case any of my friends need a martini. Everyone is happy.
In the end, the moments we think we’d like to trade in seem to be made up by all the ones we never would.
{ 95 comments… read them below or add one }
Bravo! I think this perfectly sums up the child vs no child debate in an elegant and respectful way. Surely as mature adults we can all appreciate the various difficulties and joys of each others lives without taking anything away from out own happy existence.
Thank you. It is all about respecting each person’s choices. Oh, and being happy.
Jen recently posted..Ashley Judd Kicks Ass And Takes Names
I used to be you:) For many years, I was the childless woman surrounded by mothers and believe me, they wanted to be me just like I”m sure they want to be you. I used to say I didn’t want children of my own because I spent all of my time working with kids (I’m a child psychologist). But then my biological clock started banging so loudly it couldn’t be ignored and well…here we are:)
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..More on Attachment Parenting
This is one of my pet peeves when it comes to mommies; this “I used to be JUST like you but then my bio clock went off and I became a mommy”.
Do you know what you’re insinuating when you say that? You’re insinuating that being childfree is a phase and eventually…like it or not; we women will get that itch and we’ll have children too.
Am I the only one who is annoyed when people say this? Am I the only one who has decoded this sense of “aww sure! You say that now, but wait…” attitude.
Drives me crazy!
This is exactly why it is so hard for childfree women to just live our lives and not become defensive, people like you who dismiss our life choices with the verbal equivalent of a condescending pat on the head, its like you are telling us that our carefully thought out and strongly held life decisions – which have been made for a variety of reasons that you know nothing about – are a phase that we will grow out of. Your comment indicates a lack of respect, you dont take other peoples choices seriously simply because YOU changed your mind, and you think this means all other women are just as fickle. Comments like yours can be found on EVERY article and blog post about childfreedom. In the future, please feel free to keep them to yourself.
Yay Annabell! You go girl!
I think it is especially unfortunate when some women have made this choice in circumstances where they have made great sacrifices. My sister decided not to have children in order to be with the man she loves (who was incapable of having children) – it needs to be understood that women (and men) make these choices for a variety of reasons – yes, sometimes a person may choose to change their mind, sometimes their mind may be changed for them; but it is still ‘their mind’ that is at the core of it – leave them be.
Well said! This is another topic where people love to bash others for their choices and it pisses me off. Besides, I love having friends like you. My girl friend will bring me wine if my stock is gone and take my 15 month old whirlwind to the park for a few hours. She gets her kid fix and I get my alone time. Winners all around.
Jen @ Ginger Guide recently posted..The Wasteland…I Mean…Backyard
Thank you! I think my two friends who still have young kids appreciate me too. I do love getting my kid fix and when I can give one of them a break. It is good all around.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I couldn’t agree more. We waited 5 years, and before kids I loved hanging out with mommies. It was so fun to just watch babies playing and offer them a little time out. Last night I met new neighbors that informed me no one else on the block would speak with them ‘ because they are in a different stage of life.’ I assured them that was ‘not a thing’ and we would love to being friends regardless of their no-kid status.
I like your attitude Jen!
I’m child-free and I get my kiddie fix from friends or relatives.
I love babies and some kids, but I cannot handle one 24hrs for 18years. I don’t want or need a kid full time but it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy them for short periods.
We can work together, us mommies and Child frees. We don’t have to hate each other.
I love this post for the poignant reminder to just walk our path, without comparing it to others.
And that last line? Stunning.
Galit Breen recently posted..Memories Captured April Linky!
What a nice way of putting it “to just walk our path.” Thank you so much for reading and leaving the wonderful comment.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I respect and applaud people who don’t have kids and don’t bend to the peer pressure to have them. There are so many moments that I would trade with you, and there are equal amounts of them that I wouldn’t trade for the world. It is all about making and living with choices and being happy with the life we choose or is chosen for us.
Kate in Ohio recently posted..Jury Duty and The Cat in the Hat
Yes, it is about being happy with our choices. Once in a blue moon, I do feel a little sad that I don’t have my own child, but then I don’t. Like you said, there are moments we think we want to trade but in the end they are what make our lives whole.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
Your take on the need for people to not presume you would only be happy IF…. is expertly written.
I can remember when I had been dating my then boyfriend at the time, it was, “When are you getting a ring?”
Then once we were married, it was, “When are you getting the baby carriage?”
Now that I’ve got six kids, it’s : “Are you ever going to stop? Enough already!”
Woe to those who do not follow society’s pre-ordained path of what’s supposed to come next.
Well done, Jen!
Anne Kimball recently posted..Adoption Tuesday – Attachment.4
Anne
For some people, it’s never enough. And, then when it is, it’s too much. Thanks so much for the comment.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
This is wonderful! My two best friends are in New York without kids and I am in North Carolina with a husband who travels a ton and 3 kids 5 and under. I wish they lived closer! They adore my kids and kids in general. One is even a principal, but they don’t want little ones. Now I will take you living closer :) You could babysit any ol’ time.
Thanks for reminding me how special those tiny people are and at the same time appreciating all over again that not everyone wants kids.
My younger sister doesn’t, and my mom is always SHOCKED. She wants to travel the world foreever and she goes to some very dangerous places. What would she do with a kid?
Brittany recently posted..How to Save Money Buying on eBay
I LOVE this line: “In the end, the moments we think we’d like to trade in seem to be made up by all the ones we never would.” You really hit the nail on the head. I think that we all suffer from “grass is greener” syndrome every now and then but, as they say, if everyone sat in a circle and threw their problems in the middle, you would gladly take your own back out. Great post.
Christie recently posted..Simple prayer. Profound meditation.
Christie
I know I’ve had to really let the “grass is always greener” thing go. You can end up letting it apply to just about everything in life. I love that visual about throwing everyone’s problems in the middle. You’re right. I’m sure we’d all probably take our own back.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
It’s hard to go against the grain, and there are some people that are convinced you just don’t know…and they need to brainwash you.
My sister is 42, and has never felt the need for children. It’s not that she doesn’t want children, she just really likes her life the way it is.
And I get that.
Not everyone feels the same calling for a certain type of life.
Alexandra recently posted..True Tales of Suburban Living
We all make of life what we want to make of it. Nobody should compare one to another as each life is unique, just as it should be. Love this post, specifically how you talk about knowing that there are things we all miss but if we just learn to notice them and let them go, we’ll notice all of the things we love about how we’re living.
Tricia recently posted..Nestled
Tricia
I think it’s okay to acknowledge that there are things we are missing out on. No person’s life is perfect or just right. The challenge is letting them go and moving on. Thanks so much for commenting!
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
So well said! My sister and law and my best friend have both made the choice that having children is not the right decision FOR THEM. But I can’t tell you how many times we go to family gatherings, etc. where the entire topic of conversation turns to criticism of their choice. For some reason most people fail to understand that a woman can still be a WHOLE person (full of awesomeness) without children. Both of these women have such a profound positive impact on the lives of my three kiddos. They are the best aunts imaginable (and yes- they always have gum!) Thanks for sharing your heart! I always love hearing this perspective put so eloquently.
Megan {{Millions of Miles}} recently posted..Down On The Farm
Megan
Thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate it. It’s so nice to hear something like this when it truly is a tough decision.
Megan,
you just described my life.
It doesn’t matter if there are juicier topics to discuss; the topic of convo always turns to ME and MY CHOICE to not have children. It has gotten to the point where I avoid family gatherings!!
Its sad because I love my family but I’m sick of their criticism about this!
*sigh*
I needed to vent!
Love this Jen! You nailed it! As a mother of two, I can fully empathize with both paths.
Mary recently posted .. http://noahvailpublishing.com/spring-cleaning-frenzy/
Mary
Thanks so much for commenting!
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
This is perfect in that it captures not only our sometimes fleeting feeling of wishing we had what we don’t, but also that men say dumb, inappropriate shit far more often than women. Ha. But seriously, I feel this way more often than I’d like to admit when looking at either single friends or friends without children. The ability to get up and go, and do so without naptime being a factor, the ability to watch mindless tv without it being taken to mindless extreme when someone requests to watch Spongebob instead. It’s all relative. The feelings pass. Just b/c you don’t have children doesn’t mean you’re pining for them. And just because I am bogged down with a husband and three kids doesn’t mean I’d trade for someone else’s life. It just means sometimes I just…sometimes.
Arnebya recently posted..Wordful Wednesday: Every Year, Y’all
Arnebya
What a wonderful comment! Thank you so much. Yes, watching mindless television when one wants is a pleasure. I just get nudged by the dogs to be let out. This is much easier to deal with than changing a diaper.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
Jen, love your writing – the last line here is perfect. Well done.
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..Hey Shawty
It’s all about personal choice. If you’re happy with your life choices that’s all that matters.I wouldn’t want people questioning why I have children and it’s certainly not my place to question why people don’t. I bet you make a great “auntie” lady! : )
Kudos to you, Jen, for your poignant and honest take on the controversial subject of having children vs. not having children. I appreciate your sentiments – this was a beautiful post! I sure wish you were my “aunt”!
Marie
Marie
I do make a good auntie for both the two and four legged children out there.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I respect completely your decision. When people understand that they do not want to have children and stick with that path rather than bow to the pressure of they think they “should” do, it’s a much better world. I have some very close friends who don’t have or want children, but damned if they don’t pick out the best gifts for my son. :-)
Kristin Shaw recently posted..No. Yes. Sometimes. Never.
Kristin
Too funny! I have more time to think about what to buy for my friends’ kids and probably a little more expendable income too.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
For many years this is what I thought I wanted too but somewhere along the line I realized that I would regret it. So I now have my one perfect darling girl (well, most of the time) and she gives that hug that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the whole entire world. That being said, she is the only one I want that hug from so there will not be any more. It’s funny how you get criticized for that too. “Oh, she’ll be so lonely growing up.” (What? Is she such a loser that she won’t have any friends?) “Oh, you’ll be so bored playing all of those silly little games that little girls make up that she’ll make you play.” (What? Do I really have anything else so super important to do?) “Two children are ideal.” (Says who?) So no matter what you do you’re going to get those naysayers telling you what they think you should do so yes, take your path and just enjoy it!
Melissa
That is so interesting. I have even labored over that issue as well. What if I do have a child but only want one? The questioning never ends. It’s all about making the best decisions for you and then being happy with them.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I loved this post. We all are making the best choices for our own life and we really should support that. I have two children of my own but am really good friends with a woman who has chosen to not have children. She’s loves my kids and loves to spoil mine with adventures while I get a uninterrupted hours to clean my house or share a quiet dinner with my husband. When they return home, I have kids who are happy and tired because they got to spend time with their “auntie”. I’m so grateful for her it’s unimaginable.
Kate
It really gives me a wonderful feeling getting these fabulous responses like this. It’s so nice to know that there is appreciation on both sides of the spectrum. Like I said, some free babysitting is never a bad thing. And, I get free hugs from the kids when I need them. Plus a few from very grateful friends.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I have some happily married friends who don’t plan to have kids and I totally get it. I definitely asked, early on in their marriage, if they thought kids were in the cards. I don’t know why. I just HAD to KNOW. But past that…it’s really none of my business. We all do what’s right for us in our circumstances, yes?
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..The Entirely True Adventures of a SAHM on Spring Break
I love this. Although, I do have to suggest that if you unexpectedly become a mother, your perspective may completely change. I love my 4 boys. Never wanted a kid in my life. I mean really, who enjoys cleaning poop, late ER visits, back talking, loss of identity, and fatigue? Furthermore, what woman in her right mind would dive into motherhood with the knowledge that she will be judged by other “super moms” for every move she makes? Most of all, who is truly ready for the responsibility of raising a decent human being who will eventually leave his thumbprint in the world? If you fail-you fail epically.
That being said, I have to adamantly reveal that other people’s kids are always harder, more frustrating, and trying.
The bond of motherhood (in most cases) is supernatural. The “aha!” moments from your kids are priceless…adjectives in our language are inept to describe.
I would never argue that it is wrong to choose to not have kids. Women are beautiful in all aspects of life..not just motherhood. I just believe, from reading this entry, that Marie is extremely intellectual and empathetic-she would make a great mom. And if the situation arose to where she became a mother, I believe her perspective would change and she would accomplish her responsibilities with flying colors as well as find fulfillment in it.
You go girl-do what you want and be who you want. You’ll be great at anything you do.
Lauren
Thank you for your wonderful comment. I like to think that if I became a mother I would do just fine. If my animals are any representation, I’m pretty good at care taking.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
Beautifully written, Jen. I grew up in a small, extremely conservative town where speaking the word “childfree” was right up there with uttering the word “gay.” To be one or both meant that you were an abomination.
I’m so lucky to live in a more accepting city where being “different” is tolerated. My better half and I are in our mid-40s, and people have stopped making comments about us having children. It just took so many years to finally get to this place, and some of it was a struggle.
The decision to become a parent is probably the biggest one that most people will ever make in their lives. No woman or man should be criticized or questioned about such a very personal issue, be they childed or childfree.
I love having kids. I wish I could have more. BUT, I do have moments, some longer than others where I can’t understand what was wrong with me when I chose this life. I long for the days when a mess I cleaned would stay clean or that I would have the freedom to do and say what I want, watch the tv I want whenever I pleased, and ate something without having to share it. I don’t think that there is any other way to put it. We all think, even for a moment, that the grass must be greener on the other side. I think you said it very well. AND, let me just say, we love our kidless friends sometimes. They always have the best booze, their house never smells like vomit, and they never hesitate to take over bedtime duty when they come to visit!
I so know where you are coming from. I always said I didn’t want kids and I had a wonderful niece and 2 amazing nephews that were at my house A LOT- it was enough. Then, one day I drank A beer and was sick for 3 days and my sister convinced me to take a pregnancy test (which I assured her would be negative because I didn’t want kids and took precautions against having them) and loudly said “F*CK!” when “Pregnant” appeared on the stick (I also believe that is the text I sent to my sister that day). I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world and she means more to me than anything or anyone, there are some moments when I wish to be back child free. I do know in my heart if given the opportunity I would never go back though.
I have a close uni friend who doesn’t have or want kids – when my oldest (now 15) was little and she lived round the corner she would babysit overnight and they’d boogie to Blondie and give mum and dad some sanity for 5 mins!Now we live in Canada and she came to visit,my youngest (7) didn’t remember her like my son did,but by the time she left,my youngest bawled at the airport as she didn’t want Aunty Julia to go-my kids adore her,I love the fact that she thinks I’m a “cool” mum (glad someone does) and we both get and appreciate the pros and cons of each other’s life – if everyone was the same life sure as hell would be boring!
Great post, Jen.
Life is full of tradeoffs.
I love living here in the Boonies.
I loved living in the city.
I can’t figure out a way to have the best of both worlds.
We make our choices, (although sometimes our choices are forced on us) but we all must live with the unsettling knowledge that our choices have shut down certain opportunities to us.
Eh.
C’est la vie.
Susan in the Boonies recently posted..An Orphan Mentality
I have one amazing son, but for some reason a lot of people I know keep telling me he needs a sibling. They tell me how much he is missing, the wonderful bond of siblings, how much they love theirs. I have a sister and a brother, and while I love them very much, I do notnfeel some strong mystic bond with them. Besides, my son is almost 13 and is a wonderful kid. He is witty and fun to be around. He is smart and inquisitive. Besides, I’m past the stroller toting, car seat, botttles and diapers and I am not going back! My kid is amazing just the way he is. No sibling needed.
It’s about respecting people’s choices. I can’t imagine NOT having kids. You can’t imagine having them. It’s fine! And every kid needs an “auntie” to come around and hang out for a bit. It’s all good.
This is so well written. I also hate the “you’ll change your mind” folks. How would someone with children react if I told them that one day they’d change their minds and sell their kids on the side of the road?
Anne recently posted..Christina Aguilera Stole My Shoes
LMAO!!!!
I swear I’m gonna steal that line the next time someone says I’ll change my mind!
I have to say, being a mother of three, that there has never been a moment that I wished or longed for my life before kids. Honestly. And while I have a husband who has deployed regularly for months on end for the past couple years, he is so great about making sure I have my “girl time”. I have friends who have chosen not to have children, and what I respect most about that, is that they know themselves well enough to know that it would not be the right choice for them. I am also in awe of families with so many kids. I would just love to be a fly on their wall and see how their house runs compared to mine!
Jen….BRAVA!
Excellent post! I’m sooooo proud of you, girl!
“I enjoy being the pseudo aunt to my friends’ children. I buy great gifts, I enjoy watching animated movies, I never tire of eating pizza, and I always carry gum. Plus, I keep gin in the house in case any of my friends need a martini. Everyone is happy.”
Same here. As you know, I adore children. But I honestly know that I make a much better Uncle Ronnie than a Daddy Ronnie.
I have a very good friend in Florida who is married, and everyone keeps asking she and her husband when they’re finally going to have children. And her answer is….”My dogs and cats are my children.”
Not everyone who is married is meant to have children. And I respect those couples who know it.
“In the end, the moments we think we’d like to trade in seem to be made up by all the ones we never would.”
Amen!
Again, faaaaaabulous post, Jen….X
Ron recently posted..Ta-Ta….A New Vent!
Sing it sister! Every single thing you said mirrors my thoughts about having kids. It made me very happy to read this post. Thank you!
Beautifully written article. My two best friends are child free and I love them dearly. My siblings also don’t have kids. We just talk about different stuff and it’s good to get out of mommy mode with them.
Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love has a newish book out called Commitment and in it she talked about how valued the Aunties are across cultures worldwide. Aunties, meaning older, childless women. I hope we are heading in that direction again.
Amy at Best Baby Strollers recently posted..Joovy Scooter Video is Live!
Brilliantly done Jen, you perfectly captured the situation many of us encounter, and add the poignancy not often discussed. I never cease to be amazed at the things people who feel the need to think for you, and then share those thoughts publicly.
Jill picked a good one having you post!
tp
The Preppy Princess recently posted..Whit Stillman’s “Preppie Style Guide”
Susan
Thanks so much for leaving a comment. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
I admire people who make the decisions they know are right for them. Not everyone wants the same things. And having a kid is no way to find out if you MIGHT want to be a mom. You go girl! And now I know who to text next time I need a vicarious martini.
Andie @ multiplemama recently posted..Victory for Victims
Andie
I’m always available to make a good martini! Vicarious or otherwise.
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
Jen,
Your right on—poignant and funny. Really well said! I admire your honesty. Any time you feel the desire to have a teenage fix, you know who to call…;)
Heh! Some of us “super aunties” love being around tweens and teens! I really identity with what these kids are going through, because gosh, it’s such a difficult time. My godkids are so fascinating now that they’ve reached this age. I love taking my goddaughter shopping, to movies that her parents cringe at seeing (“Twilight!”) and talking with her about b-o-y-s.
Deep dark secret: I sometimes harbor fantasies of adopting a tween or a teen. :)
I completely agree. Live & let live. We all have a different path to happiness (and that’s okay!). It’s not like suggesting a new restaurant to try. It isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of family and friends who chose not to have children and I’ve never questioned it, because I get it. I honor and respect their choices, just as they honor and respect my choice to become a mother. Well put, Jen!
So true. Having children isn’t an experiment. No one was ever truly honest with me about kids taking EVERYTHING from you and your marriage. I “gave it a whirl” and ended up with identical twins. Lesson learned.
Really enjoyed this article. Shared it with my sister who is contemplating whether or not she will have children. She pointed out one line… “I know what I’m missing” and said that she really doesn’t feel like she does. She has friends with kids but certainly doesn’t consider those experiences to qualify her for knowing all the things that she would be missing if she chooses not to have them. This is part of her conundrum.
When I was single, I wanted nothing more than to have a baby. Now I have 3 and would give anything to have some child free time sometimes.
These kinds of choices are so personal, and it really isn’t right for people to push someone one way or another, or to make you feel bad for the choice you make.
Mercy recently posted..Outing Ideas
This is so incredibly perfectly put. Also we are almost neighbors. What time does your bar open?
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..How to Not Spend $1000 on Prom
Tracy
As I’ve said on more than one occasion, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
LOVELY. I am so tired of the pressure on every person to become a parent…especially on women. It’s a personal choice (or should be), and it is not for everyone. And, yes, I’d trade with you for sure now and then…for a few hours, anyway. ;)
Aimee recently posted..Aimee Reads: Catching Up…and a Giveaway!
I love this. Very well put!
I kept thinking of myself while reading it (narcissistic, much?) because you beautifully wrote many of the same emotions I’m currently struggling with over our decision to stop at one child. It’s funny; many of the things you alluded to people saying to you, I keep hearing as well. “Every child needs a sibling.” “She’ll resent you.” etc., etc. Thanks, people. Are you going to pay for an additional child’s ballet, swim, piano, soccer, schooling and now, apparently, $1,000 proms?
Every person and every couple has to make the decision that works best for THEM, not some arbitrary societal rule about what they “should” do. Bravo for looking at the issue from all sides, then coming to a decision that is based on your gut.
Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..The Waiting Game
I am sick of people thinking that EVERYONE needs to be a parent you know what? It isn’t for everyone. I think that if you don’t want them you shouldn’t have them. Case closed. It should be easy. Instead people criticize other people’s choices. Sheesh.
For the record, I didn’t want kids either. It was a surprise. I am happy I am a parent but two is good for me.
The Domestic Goddess recently posted..Autism is…Joy in Small Things
I have friends that do not have children. There are days I envy them, but the one couple that my boyfriend envies the most, because of all the money they have to spend on themselves, are unable to have children and I think their envy of us is more than our envy of them.
I told a friend the other day, whose soon to be wife has some genetic markers for yucky stuff, that a woman choosing NOT to have a child has a much different affect than life telling a woman she CAN’T have a child. The latter is much harder to accept.
If your situation is a choice NOT to procreate, then enjoy your two-seater convertible for years to come. I hope to buy one in another 5 years. Assuming these parasites don’t go to ivy league schools.
Sweety Darlin recently posted..Choose your Clothes WISELY!
Haha, parasites. I have always called mine Appendages much to everyone’s dismay.
Mama Bird recently posted..Ideal Mother or Honest Mother?
Another blog I read and LOVE is Life with a Parasite. I can’t possibly take credit for it. I usually call mine “short people” like the Randy Newman song.
However I have always referred to my children as urchins, delinquents, or any other random thought that came to my mind. Most people are shocked at the way we speak to each other, but those that know us know we would shout at the devil together at the drop of a hat!
Sweety Darlin recently posted..Sex, Drugs, and Parenting! WTF!
How about spawn? I definitely haven SPAWN today.
Thanks for the recommendation. About to check that out the parasite blog.
I referenced Randy Newman the other day. As in, I was disappointed my multiple pregnancy didn’t have that as its soundtrack. Right, because everything else in my life had?!
Mama Bird recently posted..Ideal Mother or Honest Mother?
I can’t keep up replying to all the comments. I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has written something in response to my post. The comments are all so thoughtful and kind. You are a pretty wonderful group of ladies!
Jen recently posted..Confessions Of A Non-Mommy
Love your writing and your take on this topic. In my mind, it is nothing short of miraculous to be comfortable in our own skin and accepting of our own choices. I love the idea of celebrating our lives exactly as they are today. And I’m right there with you on the recovering people-pleasing path! Thanks!
Mary recently posted..If You’re Happy & You Know It …
I re-read that last line, over and over.
Beautifully put
Casey Fogle recently posted..Tuesday’s Ten: WANT To-Do
I needed to read this today. Because lately I *have* been missing my old, child-free life. Or not really missing it, per se, but just remembering it. Nostalgically. Especially after playing single mom to my 2YO daughter during a week-long beach vacation that my husband had to miss due to work, and that could only be considered a “vacation” in the sense that I was away from my home in coastal resort setting (after 12 hours in the car with said 2YO). But it was a mere shadow of the vacations I used to know – the ones where I relaxed by the ocean all day with nary a care in the world nor a schedule to keep.
And so I’ve been feeling nostalgic. Put out. Maybe even a little bit resentful.
And then I read this post, and this line in particular really hit me like a punch to the gut: “I know that I will never have that hug that only a child can give his mother.”
There was a time when I questioned whether or not I wanted kids. But now that I have one, I can’t imagine not experiencing the joy that she gives me… even amid the frustrations.
So, thank you for a healthy dose of perspective. And for a beautiful post. I applaud you for having the personal insight to make the best decision for you and then have the conviction to stand behind it – even in the face of others’ doubts and skepticism and well-meaning but thoroughly inappropriate comments.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..It’s In Our Blood
I hesitated to have kids. I don’t like dealing with snot, drool, poop, puke… any of those things that kids are carriers of. But once I had them I realized I could handle it. I still don’t like any of that stuff, but that hug or the “i love you mommy” that comes with it is so worth it for me.
When I think of my child-free life, it’s out of focus, like I’m seeing it from such a distance that I can’t make out anything more than a blurry image. Which is good because if I had to remember all of the times I slept in, left to go anywhere on a whim, planned a late night dinner with friends, didn’t have to carry a diaperbag or plan a just-in-case outfit (in case there happened to be a mishap with food, vomit, or any bodily function) for any event dressier than hanging out at home in sweats, I might be less than thrilled with my current situation as a mom of 3. However, because I don’t have a clear memory of all of that stuff (the kids have probably been lobotomizing me while I sleep; they’re little, but tricky), I’m peachy.
Still, like Arnebya wrote, “just because I am bogged down with a husband and three kids doesn’t mean I’d trade for someone else’s life. It just means sometimes I just…sometimes.”
I shared this post on facebook and started a good discussion with some of my friends (some with kids, some without, some who’ve adopted because of fertility issues and some who tried “forever” and now have one of their own) about it which got me to wondering a few things. These are personal questions so don’t answer if you don’t feel like it but can I ask did you decide to not have kids from the get go or was there some difficulty getting pregnant that led to that conclusion? If you just decided that kids weren’t for you…why and how did you decide that? Just curious and wanted a little more from your perspective since not many people share about this topic. Thanks!
I stopped by to read your guest post. I loved it, especially your last line:
“In the end, the moments we think we’d like to trade in seem to be made up by all the ones we never would.”
Great piece Jen.
Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted..An Exclusive Interview with The Bloggess
Having 2 grown children myself, I have experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are definitely a couple of years I would have appreciated a lobotomy, but for the most part it is amazing to see the people I made. And to top it all off, there are grandchildren!
Thanks for being that special “Mommy’s Crazy Friend”, or as we say in the South “Aunt”. And for being the crazy friend/sister to their moms!
People always think that they need to give you advice, “You should have a kid.”, “You should give birth naturally.”, “You should nurse. Formula is bad!” When it comes to parenting, everyone thinks that they have figured it out better than everyone else. Just ignore it and be happy with the life you want! Oh, and by the way, being bald is not that bad!!
Cassie recently posted..Turning Two = Lots of Smiles!
Pseudo aunts are awesome – my kids have a few of those, and they make our life richer! Thanks for this eloquent observation on human behavior.
CC Jen recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Afternoon at the Creek
Very well written! It’s soooo important to respect other people’s choices in life, and not to assume that one-size-fits-all. Plus, there are always those folks out there who CAN’T have kids and you’re just rubbing salt in the wound by reminding them of what they don’t have.
At this point, a warm pinot grigio sounds might fine!
There is also peer pressure towards mommies of only children to have more kids. Why do people assume that no one wants just one? Duh, I got it right the first time! (joking) It really does piss me off that people feel free to criticize my choice of having only one. I can’t afford more, and honestly, neither can my marriage. I certainly don’t need some a-hole I barely know (or worse, know very well) being all judgey mcjudgerson about it to my face, thank you very much. People need to tend to their own lives and stay the f**k out of my biz, yo.
I loved this post. It’s so easy to feel like the grass is greener and maybe for both the childless and the childfull (is that even a word) it’s best just to accept the wonderful parts and let the rest go!
Johanna recently posted..Pretty Silly
Wonderful, Jen.
Everyone loves what you guys are usually up too. Such clever work and reporting! Keep up the great works guys I’ve you guys to blogroll.
Christy recently posted..Saving money mind set
This is great. The best post I’ve read on this subject. I loved the last line, “In the end, the moments we think we’d like to trade in seem to be made up by all the ones we never would.” Perfect.
dollimama recently posted..Our AWESOME family photos
Loved this post! Full disclosure – I have a toddler son now, but hubby and I waited 10+ years before deciding to bite the bullet. We were prodded, harassed, nudged (gently and not-so-gently) in that time, as we were the oddballs who didn’t rush to get pregnant. And you know what? I LOVED my life. No kids, no pets (at the time), no responsibility. Drop everything and go. Basically, I let my husband be the deciding factor on kids v. no kids because I could see myself being truly happy either way. And I was. And I am!
That experience taught me a valuable lesson that continue to serve me today: my choices are not right for everyone, but they are right for my family. Trust me to make the right decisions for my family, and I will grant you the same courtesy.
If you could only skip the having children part and go directly to the having grandchildren part!!
I am a first-time visitor to your blog from Cleveland. I follow Jen’s blog and was interested to click-through, read her post and check out your site.
My thoughts…if you’re happy, that’s all that matters. I always knew that I wanted to be a father. But I know folks who are perfectly happy without children. And if that’s the case, I’m happy for them.
Great site! Congrats on your continued success.
The Constant Complainer recently posted..Avery
As an infertile woman, who has lost potential mates to the issue; I guess the “when are you getting married/having kids” questions affect me more than they should. I’m 39 and although I get pangs of sadness on some days (especially mother’s day) I’m settled in knowing I’m past the point where I would want to own the responsibility of raising a child. However it doesn’t stop the looks of astonishment (especially from older ladies) when I mention my childless status.