Is there a more tired complaint than that of a traveler who bemoans the existence of children on planes? I’m wracking my brain to think of one, but I cannot. Dare I say it? Kids are not the most annoying travelers on airplanes. Not even close.
I’m always confused by the person who feels like their plane ticket has bought them a brief passage to serenity. Hello? Who are you? You didn’t buy a ticket to Sandals All-Inclusive Resort For Adults In The Sky. You’re essentially traveling on public transportation. And public transportation is undoubtedly annoying. But small children aren’t the only ones who make it so.
I traveled extensively before I had kids, and quite a bit since they’ve been born. Sans kids is definitely my preferred method of travel, but not because they are such horrible companions. Traveling with small children is stressful because other people make it so. Because if there’s so much as a peep out of your child, you’re treated to passive-aggressive sighs, eye-rolls, and even verbal complaints. For some reason, people on planes feel entitled to loudly bemoan the existence of children — and it’s fucking annoying.
The NY Post ran an article this week called, The 8 Worst Types Of Kids On A Flight. I’d like to see their list, and raise with one of my own. Let’s call it, “The 8 Worst Types Of Adults On A Flight.” There’s at least one of these on every flight, but there’s no extensive debates published about whether these assholes should be allowed to fly in mixed company.
1. Mr. Oblivious “I’m going to recline into your lap. Yes, I can feel your hot breath on the top of my head, but I don’t care.”
2. Mrs. Bad Dietary Choices “Yes, egg salad stinks but I’m going to pretend that I don’t notice. This is literally the only thing I was craving today.”
3. Drunk Young Professionals “We are going to drink Jack and Cokes (which we’ll loudly refer to as ‘JC’s’ when we order) and repeatedly high-five each other across the aisle and over the backs of the chairs whilst referring to each other as ‘Broheim.'”
4. Manspreader “I need a window, both armrests, and my leg will be touching yours for the entire flight.”
5. Crazy Volume Dude “I have to listen to my headphones at this volume. What did you say?”
6. Chatty Flier “I’m a nervous flier so you must talk to me for three hours straight to keep my mind off it. Also, nerves make me fart.”
7. Mr. Annoyed By Kids “I’m going to repeatedly complain about the baby on this plane for the entire flight, and effectively be 1000 times more annoying than the baby itself.”
8. Epic Complainer “I’m pissed that the flight attendant served the row in back of us first. And it’s freezing in here and I want to talk about it. I want to watch TV but I’m not paying for headphones. I’d like to talk to you about how greedy airlines have become for the next few hours.”
Like I said, children are not the most annoying people on a plane.