This Is How You Prepare Yourself For A Colonoscopy

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This Is How You Prepare Yourself For A Colonoscopy

Ocskay Mark / Shutterstock

Kathryn Leehane

8. That magical cleansing juice? It’s nasty.

It’s worse than swallowing, you know. Just chug it. Seriously. I know it tastes like salty, bitter, rancid cough syrup. But let’s be honest, you drank worse stuff in college. Chug it!

9. Set up a command station in the bathroom.

Bring necessary supplies and things to keep yourself occupied and hydrated. Ensure all electronic devices are charged. If you have a padded toilet seat cover, now is the time to install it.

10. Wear elastic waistband pants.

Do not, under any circumstances, wear sweatpants with a drawstring. Trust me on this one. At times, you will have milliseconds to get to the toilet. Every second counts.

11. Don’t wear good underwear, white underwear, or a thong throughout this process.

Also, be prepared to burn the underwear.

12. Refrain from live-tweeting your colon cleanse, but be sure to take selfies and send them to your Poop Club.

Because this is the ultimate in poop. (Dammit. I broke the first rule of Poop Club again.)

13. In between rounds on the toilet, lie down on your bed.

Or walk around the house. That toilet is your ankle bracelet — stay within a safe radius. But for goodness sake, don’t do anything that involves squatting or bending over. Just don’t do it.

14. Take a shower the morning prior to your procedure…

…but be ready to make an emergency exit to the toilet.

15. Be super-polite and friendly to the medical staff.

Even when they blow three veins in your hand before getting the IV in. Remember that they are going to see the inside of your colon.

16. Make awkward jokes with the doctors.

Watch them courtesy laugh and pretend they’ve never heard “that one” before. Then relax, because this is the easiest part of the whole thing.

17. Be sure to let people know how you’re doing afterward.

18. Finally, if you plan it correctly, you can include pictures of your colon in your holiday cards.

colonsanta_greeting

P.S. Dear Husband, this procedure just confirmed why I don’t do butt stuff. Sorry.