Fall has arrived, and that means the holidays are soon upon us. (I know, I’m sorry.) But, at least I have a few ways to respond when your in-laws make those little self-esteem eroding comments that are just so adorbs (I learned that word from my kid’s 20 something gymnastics teacher last week).
1. So, you don’t cook much? No! I never cook. I usually feed the kids cereal. But don’t worry, it’s Froot Loops, and I read how pink colored food has beta carotene. Or was that orange? Either way.
2. Did you get the baby’s cough looked at? What, at the doctor? Didn’t we tell you? We use a homeopath now. At least I think that’s what the card says. They do a lot of stuff with incense. And fire.
3. Hmm, new couch? Thanks for noticing! Your hard working son got a bonus and wanted to put it toward the kids’ college fund, but I was like, I would rather spend it on jewelry for myself. So I did, but then you know what, I never even ended up wearing that tennis bracelet. Que sera. Oh, and we spent the rest of it on the couch.
4. Did you get our granddaughter evaluated for the gifted program? I don’t actually think she’s that smart, to tell you the truth. I did sign her up for some dance classes so she has a shot at working the pole if community college doesn’t pan out.
5. Are you still working full time? No! We won the lottery. We’re keeping it hush hush though, so every day I pretend to go to work and just sit in Starbucks reading US Weekly while our kids call the daycare lady “Mommy.” I also do Sudoku.
6. They need jackets in this weather. Not if they’re going to be prepared for moving to Halifax. Didn’t I tell you?
7. You look tired. Thanks! That’s the look I was going for. Well, actually, it was “tired and dumpy” so the night is still young if you want to mention my weight gain. Hint hint.
8. Is my son getting to relax at all? I don’t really think so, to be honest. Between the trees I demand he chop into firewood, and the coal I make him push around in a wheelbarrow, he doesn’t really have time. Oh, and I have him give me pedicures too.
9. You should make the kids listen. Oh my God, you’re right. I was just wondering the other day, should I make the kids listen? And I was waffling about it, because, really, it’s so adorable when they yell and scream and defy me. But now that you phrased it that way, I am totally on board. God, sometimes something just clicks.
10. When did your parents last visit? Never. We only hang out with you guys because we like you more. Don’t tell them though. They don’t even know about Halifax.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Dares You To Use These.