Conversations At The Pool

Jane! Hey! How have you been all year? It’s been so long since…

“Whoah, Whoah, Whoah! Get back here mister. Sunscreen first.”

Sorry. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. How are the…

“Would you stop moving?! I’ll get the sunscreen in your eyes if you keep moving.”

How are the kids? Did they have a good…

“No! STOP!!!! Back away from the baby pool! Who do you think you are going in there with no floatie on?”

So um yeah, what was I saying? Oh yes, school year. Was it a good one?

“No you can’t have a snack! We just got here.”

That’s great! So happy to hear…

“I don’t care if you are hungry. You just ate lunch, there is no way you could be hungry. Now go swim.”

Sorry again. So happy to hear you guys are doing well. Do you have…wait, wait a minute, one…twooooo…three…Ok got a count of all the kids. Phew! Do you have plans for…

“Stop splashing your brother, please. He obviously doesn’t like it, and no one else wants to hear him cry like that.”

Where were we? Oh, Summer plans! Going anywhere fun?

“No! I said no snack yet! If you ask again you won’t get anything. Swim! Go!”

The beach! Oh how fun! We plan to go…Crap! I forgot suncreen on the baby. Hang on.

“Ohhhh! I know you hate this buddy. Sorry, but you’ll thank me some day. Ok. There you go. Back to your water bucket.”

Yeah, so we plan to go to the beach at the (sniff, sniff, sniff). Holy mother of…ugh!!!! Seriously! He pooped.

“Why couldn’t you have pooped like 10 minutes ago? Ok kids. Everyone out of the pool for a minute. Into the locker room. Because I said so. Do you want a snack later? That’s what I thought. Now march! Okay (deep breath). Let’s try this again. Does anyone have to go to the bathroom before we get back in the water?…No? Ok. Good!”

Ahhh, the beach. Sounds so rela…one, twooo, three…relaxing. Speaking of, do you think we will ever get to…

“OH MY GOD! STOP! Do not EVER squirt the lifeguard again! You go apologize right this minute!”

Do you think we will ever be one of those moms who gets to close her eyes and sunbathe… Oh no! Where is two? I see one and three but not two! Omigod, phew. There he is!

“Get away from the snack bar! You just gave me a heart attack! No. snacks. now. Understood?”

Geez Louise. Do you think we will ever be able to read a magazine? I’m not seeing that happening.

“Oh no! Baby down! (cries and screams) It’s ok. You are okay, little buddy. You just got a little water in your mouth.”

Yeah, I am not seeing sunbathing happening anytime in the near future with these crazy…

“Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Did you really just squirt the lifeguard again? That’s it. You’re in time out. Get in the chair now.”

Gosh my kids are so insane. Why do you seem so…

“Where is two again? Oh no! Omg! Where is he (big sigh), WHY ARE YOU OVER AT THE SNACK BAR AGAIN? Did you not hear me the first two times?”

Why do you seem so calm? Is it just me? Am I the only neur…

“Get back in time out, Sir.”

Neurotic. I am completely neurotic. God I could really go for a…

“Ok. Fine. You can get out of time out now, but you will be right back in that chair if you squirt the life guard again.”

What was I saying? Oh yeah. A drink. Wouldn’t that be…

“In ten minutes, okay? In ten minutes, you can have snack.”

Ugh. Yeah. Maybe I’ll skip the drink and have a shot.

“No. Ice cream is not a snack. A snack is chips or pretzels.”

And to think people think we just lounge by the…

“Because I said so.”

People think that, right? That we just sit by the pool all afternoon and…one… twooo…three…hang out. Jane? Jane?

“Honey did you see where mommy’s friend went? Dammit. Now you guys scared away mommy’s friend! Why can’t you just sit and play with buckets and be good, and not poop and whine and squirt the people who could potentiality save your life one day? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

Oh, but fear not fellow neurotic mommy friends, this can happen in our dreams:


Related post: Talk to You in 30 Years

About the writer

Lindsey is a former elementary school teacher turned stay-at-home-mom to three beautiful boys under the age of 4. Her blog chronicles her sometimes humorous, sometimes serious take on motherhood with small doses of her favorite finds, fashion, family-friendly recipes, home decor and a few crafts (but not many and not the super messy ones). You can find Lindsey at her website, The Motherchic, and also on Facebook and Instagram.


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When a woman is expecting a baby, many changes can happen under her nose.

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Jane Lyras 2 years ago

Perfect….change pretzels to goldfish and it’s dead on!

Kimberly Lee 2 years ago

More like…”Conversations At [insert public location]”

Cindy Bryant 2 years ago

Phone calls are like that. The last pool party thing I went to was ” wow , look at you , swimming with the boy. You are such a good mommy! I won’t get in ! ”
And they kept talking with the other moms. I was one of three moms that got in the water ! Sorry my rule is , my kid in the water I’m in the water. Unless it’s less than a foot deep ! Lol.

Amanda Sanchez 2 years ago

My life…

Jeannie Alexander 2 years ago

Ha ha!!!
So true!

‘Art’ ‘Stacie’ Caylor 2 years ago

Yes, along with, “you CAN swim without your goggles!” LOL

Tammy Schenck Gnagy 2 years ago

Sounds like she just should have let her kid have a snack

Marie Plueger 2 years ago

God I just giggled my @$$ off…thank god I’m not the only one!

Michelle Nilsson-Hrin 2 years ago

Seriously. It’s like you were listening to me.

Mer Zipain 2 years ago

I didn’t even read it all because I will get to live it here in about 3 hours.

Dawn Zurzolo 2 years ago

This. Was. Hilarious!

Chrissy Lawlis 2 years ago

Love it!! Even visits to the parks go this way for me. And I always worry I come across unfocused and rude to the other person I’m trying to relate to lol Oh well.

Jen Selaya Painter 2 years ago

This is why I have 1 kid..ONE!

Kendra Wojan Thorson 2 years ago

That’s hilarious!

MM 2 years ago

Just before I went on mat leave with my 2nd, one of the guys at work said he wished he could ‘just take a year off’!

Valerie Ray 2 years ago

Sounds about right!!!

Janice Cook 2 years ago

I get so excited for play dates and catching up and then the reality is like this and I don’t know why I am always surprised

Linda Kendall-Thompson 2 years ago

Dang. I don’t recall having to do this. Of course, I didn’t speak to many mothers while I was a SAHM. The joy of being an introvert.

Kimberly Triemstra Quirk 2 years ago

Was someone recording my conversation? Lol

Katy Ake 2 years ago

Yeah pretty much. Except my kids are 8,9,&6 now so it isn’t quite that convo anymore.

Suki Day Wellen 2 years ago

Exactly!!! Also why I roll my eyes when my husband says, ‘I don’t understand why you’re so grouchy – you got to hang out at the pool all day’!

    Kami Fox-Varela 2 years ago

    My husband: ” I wish I got to spend time at the pool with the kids.”

    My husband after spending two hours alone with the kids at the pool: “What took so long!?” A list of unfortunate events followed.

Kim Petrozzello Buckworth 2 years ago

thats hysterical…us mommys r great lol

Elizabeth Grattan 2 years ago

This is what margaritas are for.

Samantha Justice 2 years ago


Gabriella Vagnoli 2 years ago

yep very familiar

Bianca van der Steen 2 years ago

my phone conversations usually go like this 😀

GG 2 years ago

And when you get back to work, more exhausted than before, colleagues are all saying “Did you have a nice relaxing break?”

KezUnprepared 2 years ago

I was once accused of snubbing a fellow mother because our conversations went like this at the local library or the swimming pool. She unfriended me on Facebook and launched a big written assault on me for being so horrible and snobby and basically a mean girl, just because I couldn’t carry on a full conversation. You’d think she would have understood, being a parent too, but nope. This is just the way life goes and I don’t take it personally if it happens to me either!


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