Damn, That’s an Ugly Baby



I didn’t want to have an ugly baby. Having an ugly baby was definitely not in my Birthing Master Plan. In fact, I was confident that my baby was going to be luminously beautiful–hybrid babies always are.

Doubt the beauty of hybrid babies? Two words for you: Halle Berry. Two more words: Lenny Kravitz. Yeah. That genetic cocktail brewing in my belly? Killer. Genius, even. Would my magnificent creation come out wearing Elie Saab, I wondered?

The first indication that something might be amiss happened after I gave the final push (yelling “Motherfucker!” in my husband’s general direction) and the first word out of the nurse’s mouth was, “Whoa.”

I waited for it. I waited for, “Look at that beautiful baby girl!” I waited for them to place her stunning little body on my chest so I could admire her.

Instead, the nurse hustled her to the weighing station and hissed at the obstetrician, “I thought you said this baby was term.”

So I’m waiting, spread-eagled.

Then the attending nurse exclaims, “Awww. She’s got a Mongolian spot on her butt……boy, that’s a whopper.”

Hello! Waiting here and where the Hell is my champagne?

Curious, my husband ambles over. And then I hear the sonorous sound of his laughter. “Okay, that puppy needed at least another month in there,” he says.

Give. Me. Alcohol. And while you’re at it, can you fork over my dang kid?

“The Apgar’s good,” the head nurse chirps helpfully.

My mother decides to get in on the action. “What’s this Mongolian thinga–?” Damned if she doesn’t giggle, too. “Ronald,” she calls to my father (who is out of the room, terrorized by the birthing process), “The baby has your belly.”

My father oozes into the room. He doesn’t laugh.

“Is it because she came out so fast?” he whispers.

“Like a West German on the luge,” my husband snorts.

The OB is still hunkered between my splayed legs, waiting for whatever gunk needs to come out, and suddenly, I’m royally pissed off.

“Give me my champagne and my baby, you morons!” I holler.

So they do.

It’s a good thing I demanded alcohol, because damn, that’s an ugly baby.

But then I look into those big eyes and that little monkey face, and it’s not so bad and…she shits all over my chest.

Welcome to the world, ugly baby. I vow to love you anyway.


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  1. 1

    Bevin says

    My son looked just like a mini old man. My friend who was in the room with me said he looked like a wet rat coming out of me. His eyes were black and I looked to make sure 666 wasn’t under all his hair or on his butt.
    He was still awesome. Looked like a little old man until around 5 months. Now he’s a ladies boy at 5 years and I just know I’m going to be in trouble.

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    • 2

      Bianca (WellYesYouMay) says

      I too, had little old man babies. In fact, when the family came in to meet my firstborn and were discussing who she looked most like my reply was, “Really? I think she looks like a angry little Chinese man…” I got some crazy looks from my inlaws and the nurses for that quip, but she really did look like an adorable mix of Mr. Miyagi and Yoda. At 2.5 years, she looks like a far more beautiful version of me. She does, however, absolutely love Yoda.

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  2. 4

    Ronnie says

    I was hoping for a beautiful baby as well when I had my #1, but expected a little tiny ugly, wrinkly, wet thing! I loved him at first sight anyways! I think that 99% of new born are reallllllly ugly, My 3 included! they get better looking after a few days, once their skin is “ironed-out” :)
    Thank you for that post!

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  3. 5

    Andrea says

    My sons were both preemies and they looked like little old men when they were born. I can totally relate to this post although now they’re the most beautiful boys in the world.

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  4. 6

    Beth says

    Aww, most newborns are not all that cute! Mine was 3 weeks early and was so scrawny! He also had the most hilarious hairline. A few days at the boob and bottle and he was right chunky. I think little old man babies are adorable!

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  5. 9

    Jay says

    I remember having beautiful babies, but when I saw my sister’s first child (a girl) I couldn’t believe how ugly I thought she was! She looked just like her dad. But rest easy! She is 4 now, looks just like her mother and is gorgeous little man slayer. :)

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  6. 17

    Rachael says

    All BS aside my baby was and still is beautiful. I went through a lot to get her into this world. Even the nurses oohed and fawned over her. She was 5 weeks premature and weighed 7# 12oz. she was a whopper! I can’t go anywhere without someone telling me how beautiful she is.

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  7. 19

    Ronica says

    That was great! I was terrified my babies would be ugly, even more so that they’d be ugly and no one would tell me! My first baby was preemie, big and red. I didn’t know it at the time, but she wasn’t the cutest newborn. I know it now, looking back on photos. She wasn’t an UGLY baby, but she wasn’t completely adorable.
    My second, however, was absolutely precious from the moment she came out. She looked like a little porcelain doll, and I know it’s true because I still think that looking back on photos.

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  8. 22

    Tabitha says

    My so looked like Yoda when he was born…so ugly, but so darn cute! My daughter was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, not saying that cause I am her Mom, if she was ugly I would admit it, but she was born beautiful and still is 3 years later.

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  9. 23

    Andie says

    My second born was an ugly newborn (of course, all newborn are ugly anyway). We called him “Benjamin Button” because that is EXACTLY who he looked like…and then after a few months or so he developed into Mac from “Mac & Me”. Now? He is a gorgeous, dimply-faced, curly-haired, three-year-old model! Who knew he would turn out to be that cute?!! They all come into their own, but it is a little scary looking at your newborn for the first time after they’ve been stuck in a canal for a bit. Wowza!

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    • 28

      Thekitchwitch says


      Get the heck outta here! My second-born was channeling the Darth-man, too! She stayed that way for five years until we got her gi-normous adenoids taken out!

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  10. 33

    dawn says

    OMG- I so remember this!! Oh wait this wasn’t me- but I do remember saying- Oh my God- will that go away..I have guests coming this weekend, when my precious baby was born with what can only be described as the CONEHEAD from the 80s SNL skits!! Glad other mommas have this ‘weird’ non movie perfect birth moment!! LOVE this post!!! and love our perfect little babies!!

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