Damn, That’s an Ugly Baby



I didn’t want to have an ugly baby. Having an ugly baby was definitely not in my Birthing Master Plan. In fact, I was confident that my baby was going to be luminously beautiful–hybrid babies always are.

Doubt the beauty of hybrid babies? Two words for you: Halle Berry. Two more words: Lenny Kravitz. Yeah. That genetic cocktail brewing in my belly? Killer. Genius, even. Would my magnificent creation come out wearing Elie Saab, I wondered?

The first indication that something might be amiss happened after I gave the final push (yelling “Motherfucker!” in my husband’s general direction) and the first word out of the nurse’s mouth was, “Whoa.”

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I waited for it. I waited for, “Look at that beautiful baby girl!” I waited for them to place her stunning little body on my chest so I could admire her.

Instead, the nurse hustled her to the weighing station and hissed at the obstetrician, “I thought you said this baby was term.”

So I’m waiting, spread-eagled.

Then the attending nurse exclaims, “Awww. She’s got a Mongolian spot on her butt……boy, that’s a whopper.”

Hello! Waiting here and where the Hell is my champagne?

Curious, my husband ambles over. And then I hear the sonorous sound of his laughter. “Okay, that puppy needed at least another month in there,” he says.

Give. Me. Alcohol. And while you’re at it, can you fork over my dang kid?

“The Apgar’s good,” the head nurse chirps helpfully.

My mother decides to get in on the action. “What’s this Mongolian thinga–?” Damned if she doesn’t giggle, too. “Ronald,” she calls to my father (who is out of the room, terrorized by the birthing process), “The baby has your belly.”

My father oozes into the room. He doesn’t laugh.

“Is it because she came out so fast?” he whispers.

“Like a West German on the luge,” my husband snorts.

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The OB is still hunkered between my splayed legs, waiting for whatever gunk needs to come out, and suddenly, I’m royally pissed off.

“Give me my champagne and my baby, you morons!” I holler.

So they do.

It’s a good thing I demanded alcohol, because damn, that’s an ugly baby.

But then I look into those big eyes and that little monkey face, and it’s not so bad and…she shits all over my chest.

Welcome to the world, ugly baby. I vow to love you anyway.


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  1. Bevin says

    My son looked just like a mini old man. My friend who was in the room with me said he looked like a wet rat coming out of me. His eyes were black and I looked to make sure 666 wasn’t under all his hair or on his butt.
    He was still awesome. Looked like a little old man until around 5 months. Now he’s a ladies boy at 5 years and I just know I’m going to be in trouble.

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    • Bianca (WellYesYouMay) says

      I too, had little old man babies. In fact, when the family came in to meet my firstborn and were discussing who she looked most like my reply was, “Really? I think she looks like a angry little Chinese man…” I got some crazy looks from my inlaws and the nurses for that quip, but she really did look like an adorable mix of Mr. Miyagi and Yoda. At 2.5 years, she looks like a far more beautiful version of me. She does, however, absolutely love Yoda.

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  2. Ronnie says

    I was hoping for a beautiful baby as well when I had my #1, but expected a little tiny ugly, wrinkly, wet thing! I loved him at first sight anyways! I think that 99% of new born are reallllllly ugly, My 3 included! they get better looking after a few days, once their skin is “ironed-out” :)
    Thank you for that post!

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  3. Andrea says

    My sons were both preemies and they looked like little old men when they were born. I can totally relate to this post although now they’re the most beautiful boys in the world.

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  4. Beth says

    Aww, most newborns are not all that cute! Mine was 3 weeks early and was so scrawny! He also had the most hilarious hairline. A few days at the boob and bottle and he was right chunky. I think little old man babies are adorable!

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  5. Jay says

    I remember having beautiful babies, but when I saw my sister’s first child (a girl) I couldn’t believe how ugly I thought she was! She looked just like her dad. But rest easy! She is 4 now, looks just like her mother and is gorgeous little man slayer. :)

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  6. Rachael says

    All BS aside my baby was and still is beautiful. I went through a lot to get her into this world. Even the nurses oohed and fawned over her. She was 5 weeks premature and weighed 7# 12oz. she was a whopper! I can’t go anywhere without someone telling me how beautiful she is.

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