Damn, That’s an Ugly Baby


I didn’t want to have an ugly baby. Having an ugly baby was definitely not in my Birthing Master Plan. In fact, I was confident that my baby was going to be luminously beautiful–hybrid babies always are.

Doubt the beauty of hybrid babies? Two words for you: Halle Berry. Two more words: Lenny Kravitz. Yeah. That genetic cocktail brewing in my belly? Killer. Genius, even. Would my magnificent creation come out wearing Elie Saab, I wondered?

The first indication that something might be amiss happened after I gave the final push (yelling “Motherfucker!” in my husband’s general direction) and the first word out of the nurse’s mouth was, “Whoa.”

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I waited for it. I waited for, “Look at that beautiful baby girl!” I waited for them to place her stunning little body on my chest so I could admire her.

Instead, the nurse hustled her to the weighing station and hissed at the obstetrician, “I thought you said this baby was term.”

So I’m waiting, spread-eagled.

Then the attending nurse exclaims, “Awww. She’s got a Mongolian spot on her butt……boy, that’s a whopper.”

Hello! Waiting here and where the Hell is my champagne?

Curious, my husband ambles over. And then I hear the sonorous sound of his laughter. “Okay, that puppy needed at least another month in there,” he says.

Give. Me. Alcohol. And while you’re at it, can you fork over my dang kid?

“The Apgar’s good,” the head nurse chirps helpfully.

My mother decides to get in on the action. “What’s this Mongolian thinga–?” Damned if she doesn’t giggle, too. “Ronald,” she calls to my father (who is out of the room, terrorized by the birthing process), “The baby has your belly.”

My father oozes into the room. He doesn’t laugh.

“Is it because she came out so fast?” he whispers.

“Like a West German on the luge,” my husband snorts.

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The OB is still hunkered between my splayed legs, waiting for whatever gunk needs to come out, and suddenly, I’m royally pissed off.

“Give me my champagne and my baby, you morons!” I holler.

So they do.

It’s a good thing I demanded alcohol, because damn, that’s an ugly baby.

But then I look into those big eyes and that little monkey face, and it’s not so bad and…she shits all over my chest.

Welcome to the world, ugly baby. I vow to love you anyway.

About the writer


Dana Talusani is a former teacher and former personal chef. She traded in her suits and her aprons to stay home and wipe little butts. She lives in the Rocky Mountains and serves up snark on her blog, The Kitchen Witch.

From Around the Web


shan 9 months ago

TLC the little couple shows son William Klein is the ugliest little kid on the planet, whats worse they make him invert his hands and make monkey sounds thats a fugly kid…he grows uglier with age but definately looked like a monchi monchi monkey when he was younger.

Bridget 1 year ago

My nephew had the old man look when he was born and now he is good looking! My niece had a small bald spot and dark hair. She also had a 3rd nipple. The bald spot was surgically fixed and both kids are very attractive!

LDon Allen 1 year ago

I laughed out loud at this one. After pushing for almost 2 hours I was just glad the monster was out and will admit my first thought was, “Don’t you put that bloody, goopy mess on me. Clean that thing up first.” She looked pissed for about a week and then got cute.

Penny Kirby Spencer 1 year ago

Once they are washed and bundled, of course they are all beautiful. Jim used to say they looked like a fried running shoe, bless his heart! I can laugh at that now when I say it!!

John Matthews 1 year ago

A Baby that just arrived is not ugly, they just need a little shower and put on their happy face.

Mary Shipman 1 year ago

Lol my babies were and are gorgeous! My last/final baby was born in Oct. This is her a couple hrs old! I think my babies come out absolutely beautiful! & yes…I’m biased 😉

Linda Kendall-Thompson 1 year ago

My daughter was a week overdue when the Dr decided to induce. 36 hrs later, after an emergency c-section, my little girl entered the world. And she was frighteningly ugly. She had a fine pelt that covered her whole body, I could not distinguish if she had eyebrows. After trying to get out for 36 hrs, she had a definite conehead. And she had the largest, red, cresent-shapped, Angel kiss right between her eyes and covering her entire forehead that made her look angrier than heck, too. And underneath that crazy pelt of hair down her spinal column, was a huge Mongolian spot. If I weren’t so exhausted and loopy on drugs, I would have probably been depressed. But I just counciled myself that I have never seen a person, outside of the historical circus freak photos, that looked like this so she would probably grow out of it. Pleased to say within 4 weeks, the fine pelt had fallen out and I could see her eyebrows. By 4 yrs of age her Angel kiss had faded and only made special appearances when she cried. 17yrs later she is very, very, attractive girl. Folks outside the family can’t believe she was ever an ugly baby.

Kelly Alexandra Abrego 1 year ago

Lmao, it takes time for newborn babies to develop their cuteness…

Alysha Ross 1 year ago

bahahaha, now thats a realistic birthing story 😀

Shannon Williams 1 year ago

My daughter was 2lb 7 oz at birth and 23 inches.and look like a alien.when they first let me see her.I said who baby? not mine.Lol.

Melissa Scully 1 year ago

When my son was born I was so messed up from the c-section I kept looking at my son thinking -oh my god … He doesn’t have a bottom lip- what’s wrong with him why hasn’t anyone said anything!?!-

Turns out he was sucking his lip in and I was just drugged up lol – my son was actually pretty darn cute ❤️

Kristie Corson 1 year ago

I was totally prepared for an ugly baby. After all, biospermdonor loser was not exactly nice to look at. But when they handed my best friend (now husband, and best daddy ever) our son we were both shocked by how adorable he was. Even as a newborn. The nurses loved him because he was so agreeable and always pleasant, they kept him at the nurses station instead of the nursery when he wasn’t in our room because he was so chilled and laid back! After my sister in law gave birth to quite possibly the scariest, ugliest baby I’ve ever seen, I had serious fears. (Sadly, he never outgrew the terrible infant photos.. Sure, the cone head and goo went away but it was replaced by giant buck teeth and a homely face…yikes. Poor kid.)

I’m just glad our son turned out to be beautiful and extremely laid back and well behaved. We were very lucky to get such a wonderful kid out of what started out as an awful and abusive situation. And we ended up with full legal custody, thank god.

Most ugly newborns turn out find, I’ve seen quite a few that have to grow into their features!

Marina Ramalho 1 year ago

Too funny!

Karen Marrello 1 year ago

My oldest child was sooo definitely not a cute newborn… think Sloth from the Goonies, complete with smashed and seriously bruised nose and gigantic cone head. I mean gigantic. My thoughts when they held him up in the delivery room? “I went through all this for THAT?!?”

Thank God in 4 or 5 days he was absolutely adorable, save some residual bruising. Lol

Teri Ludwig 1 year ago

I had 4 cute babies, and one hairy, yellow, monkey-baby. I was NOT expecting my second child to look like that. She had the hair thing going on from her shoulders to her butt cheeks, and then the hair on her head fell out and it was such a disturbing look for an infant. She grew out of it, and has gone on to become a stunning young woman. She thinks it’s funny how awkward her baby pictures are.

Joelle Wisler 1 year ago

Yay Dana! Love it. Happy Scary Mommy day!

Emily Rose 1 year ago

My first was overcooked so he was cute, my second looked like a Bulldog for a day or so!

Jamie White 1 year ago

My lil diva looked like a cone head. Thank goodness she got a nice round head now

Boys4J9 1 year ago

My first was a forceps delivery and looked a little alien like while my second son came out perfectly (unlike my labor and delivery). My sister in law quipped that she wished her girls looked this beautiful at birth. I didn’t know what to say because they were ugly babies (smushed noses, discolored skin, swollen eyes) Luckily they are super cute 7 and 4 yr olds.

Michelle Markey 1 year ago

All living newborns are beautiful to me, but it’s true that they don’t look like the ones on TV. Mainly because the actor babies on TV aren’t newborns.

Annette 1 year ago

My oldest was a gorgeous hybrid baby. Big brown eyes, olive skin and perfect shiny hair. The next 2? Holy crap. My middle child liked exactly like my father – in – law and the youngest like a little red tick ready to pop.

Stacy Grooms 1 year ago

Totally grew into her face :)

Lisa 1 year ago

We call our DD ‘Alien baby’ whenever we see her newborn (like right out of me) photos. She was still cute to me but did have that old man look to her for a little bit hehe

Michelle Walker 1 year ago

Mine was pretty cute

Ashley Quattrochi 1 year ago

You shoud do the ugly baby contest again!!!

Lindsey Pottinger 1 year ago


Sherri Klippenstein Laliberte 1 year ago

My 3 c-section babies were gorgeous.

Gina 1 year ago

My girl was two weeks late and got stuck an hour into me pushing. She was peeling everywhere and her head was shaped like a pro bicycle helmet. She plumped up pretty quick though so she at least looked like a baby instead of a giant featherless bird lol.

Shelby Shelby 1 year ago

Newborns are never pretty!
After a few hours or days, maybe, but fresh out – no way!

Sara O’Brien Farmer 1 year ago

My daughter really was beautiful from the moment of birth. We only have maybe 2 pics where she has that weird newborn look. We thought my son was beautiful (and he really was), but when we looked back at his pics later, they were a little different than we remembered. He was a bit rough around the edges at first. :)

Wilma Rodriguez-Linton 1 year ago

My poor girl was the ugliest bag of bones I’d ever seen and it took her a couple months to get over that. She’s spankin’ spectacular now at the time I couldn’t bring myself to even take pictures of her. Poor thing.

Mari Wood 1 year ago

My first son, I never even sent out the hospital pictures with the birth announcements, he looked liked Mr Magoo, he had to grow into his nose. Of course he did and he was the cutest thing ever.

Mandy Engelbrecht 1 year ago

thank heavens for an emergency c-section so he was perfect by the time I woke up lol…

erin 1 year ago

When my ds8 was born early and severely undersized for gestation he looked like Montgomery Burns off the Simpsons… Receding hairline beak like nose and full of wrinkly loose skin…. I cried he was so ugly… I laugh now but I kept him covered head to toe with only his face peaking out for at least 3 months…

Victoria Gilles France 1 year ago

My first was so gorgeous when she was born. Having an extra two weeks helps them look cuter. When I first saw my second I thought he was awful looking. He was two weeks early with chicken legs and gray skin. His neck was all wrinkly and thin like a tortoise. Then he fattened up and now is very cute. But it shocked the hell out of me!

Christa Cecilia Parra 1 year ago

Newborns look like baby aliens

Kimberly Webb 1 year ago

I have never thought that because it just isn’t true. My 3 kiddos are all gorgeous NOW, but when they were born they were not cute at all. My oldest son looked like a lizard, the middlest looked like a plucked chicken with bug eyes and the youngest looked like a mashed jack o lantern. ^_^

Hailee Storm 1 year ago

I thought my mouse was cute as heck too when she was born!!

Siwsan Gimprich 1 year ago

When we had our first, I wandered down to the nursery window and front and center was this 15 lb creature with great tufts of black bristles in a Mohawk of sorts. My husband and I agreed that his parents probably had snuck out of the hospital in the middle of the night. We would have!

Bonnie Flesher 1 year ago

Too funny!! I laughed and snorted!

Cristy Fix 1 year ago

Hahaha! My second was all bloated, squished, and bruised. By the second day my best friend called him ET! I loved him anyway even then, and now he’s beautiful. But….wow!

Alysia King 1 year ago

I once had an ugly newborn 14 years ago on may 5th. She is pretty young lady now…

Amanda Gadoury 1 year ago

My first born looked like the alien baby Will Smith delivered in Men in Black … the baby squid. Yep. I was excited because I love that movie lol

JuAune C Thompson 1 year ago

My oldest was as cone head mush monster. Hes gorgeous now.

Tracy Reali 1 year ago


Yana Duffy 1 year ago

My daughter was beautiful. Perfect even. She was 8 lb 15.5 oz so she had no wrinkles.. They were all filled out. My mom said.. Wow. She’s cuter than all 5 of my kids ever were. I couldn’t even believe I could make something that adorable. But boy was she hairy! Her back and shoulders mostly. LOL. She had a patch of dark hair right above her butt crack and between her shoulders. Her back was all fuzzy and her her newborn pictures with her back and butt in the air are hilarious. I can’t even hang them up. My dad is Armenian. So we joke that it was her Armenian blood.

Meg Michelle 1 year ago

My little man was so swollen when he was born he was not cute at all lol I thought he was beautiful at the time but looking back at photos now im like damn he was kind of ugly the first week LOL (c-section 10 lbs 1 oz baby)

Sara Nelson 1 year ago

My oldest was vacuum assisted out so she had a major cone head and it wasn’t even even. It was off to the side because she was also born “sunny side up” not to mention the huge hickey/bruise left by the suction cup. She looked like a giant leech just fed off of her head. And she had tons of dark hair. But she’s a beautiful 12 year old now. :) my two boys both looked like fat angry old men (receding hair lines and all). Now they are handsome and oh so charming at 9 and 3 :)

Sara Jensen Langley 1 year ago

My girls were both gorgeous…my oldest looked like a perfect porcelain doll, my second was the oddball…at least 2 lbs bigger than the other two, tons n tons of looong black curls, she looked Samoan, but so pretty….my son however, he took some time to grow into himself, but after a few weeks he turned out to be quite a little stud!”I’m not gonna lie….I got some good lookin offspring! :)

candace ortiz 1 year ago

I remember assuming I’d have an ugly baby because so many are in the beginning. My brother looked like a balding, ape-like Elvis Presley, but by 6 months he was cuter than any baby models.
When my son was born I was shocked at how gorgeous he was. I thought it must just be me, “I’m his mom, I just have mom goggles”, I thought. But my sister leaned in and said “Oh thank God! I was terrified that I would have to lie to you and tell you your baby is cute when it really wasn’t but holy crap that’s a beautiful baby!”
Other ones in the nursery were not as fortunate.
Now I’m pregnant with #2 and hoping he’s just as gorgeous as big brother, but I’m not delusional to think I’ll luck out twice lol
They all get cute eventually anyways :)

Susan McBride 1 year ago

My little ducking… now swan lol

Leslie Sansom 1 year ago

No. No newborn is beautiful. Childbirth is not beautiful. A clean newborn in his mothers arms is beautiful, but a bloody, gooey, covered in yuck baby, is yucky. I love it when I see a pic of a newborn and someone comments, “oh she has your nose”,….because, no she doesn’t,…they all look the same! Maybe in a few days or weeks things will start to change, but fresh out of the birth canal,…they all look alike.

Ronnie Bruens 1 year ago

HELL NO!!!! I’ve seen 1 new born that was good looking– and it was not even my child!!!! My 3 were ugly when 1st born, ok after a few days, and good looking babies after a few weeks. to me, that is. they might still have been ugly to someone else! :)

Kate Wustman 1 year ago

My oldest really was beautiful. As the doctor was pulling him out she said “wow, he’s actually cute!”

Helen Russo 1 year ago

ALL newborns are simultaneously the ugliest and most beautiful thing on the planet…I look back at my dd’s newborn photos, and realize she really wasn’t a very pretty thing, but to me? Abso-freaking-lutely without a doubt the MOST beautiful miracle on the planet!

Victoria M. 1 year ago

My daughter came out with narrow little eyes, huge swollen lips, and covered in hair. I just kept looking at her thinking nooo, she’s supposed to be pretty! Gdi, she’s ugly. Then later in my room, I watched a documentary on snow monkeys and I’ll be damned if the babies didn’t look exactly like my newborn. 2mo old now and she’s cute as a button. Except for these ears that stick straight out from her head.

Claudia Ramirez 1 year ago

When my daughter was born my family called her Gizmo because they said she looked like a gremlin :) now she’s 5 and she’s called the ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan.

Christine Marie Short 1 year ago

Lmfao yessss

Vanessa Serrano 1 year ago

Both my babies were ugly cone headed weirdos. But they grew up to be really cute.

Jennifer Melin Ollanketo 1 year ago

No, not cute when they first come out – all mushed, discolored – I have never seen a good “newborn” picture taken at the hospital – give them a few days to get some color, fill out, let their bodies readjust.

JD Katsonis 1 year ago

My daughter looked like a toucan.

Katie Brockman 1 year ago

I birthed a old man but now hes beautiful :)

Valerie Owens 1 year ago

“It’s a good thing I had my alcohol because damn, that’s an ugly baby.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lisa Kiddey 1 year ago

My youngest looked like Mel Brooks when he was born, hahahahaha!

Nicki Wiley 1 year ago


Cheryl Tania Beck 1 year ago

Giggling while reading this. My son was a pretty boy. I just freaked out on the conehead part. LOL. His sister was born via c-section so she was round.

Shawnda Gerold 1 year ago

My daughter was a gorgeous baby so I thought for sure my son would be too but nope he came out looking like Mr. Magoo with Will Smith ears. He has gotten cuter though.

Vicky Lynn 1 year ago

My first daughter came out looking like Tinkerbell. Big blue eyes, tuft of curly blond hair, rosey cheeks. My second daughter, born 14 months later…looked like a middle aged man with a drinking problem.

Karen 1 year ago

My eldest (a boy) looked like a splotchy Popeye but his head was nice and round so I was happy. My youngest (a girl) looked like Walter Matthau in his later years! They both had back hair and only Mohawks on their heads. They were scrawny but then became super fat triple-chin babies! Normal to skinny now.

Danielle Head Kabernik 1 year ago

Hahaha my son was so ugly…cone head and dark hair all over him, even on his forehead! He looked like a hairy version of my mother in law with no teeth!! I didn’t tell anyone I thought he was ugly, then found out later that my husband secretly thought he was ugly too! Thankfully his head rounded nicely and all that hair ended up shedding off; now at 3 years old, people stop me to tell me how cute or handsome he is…whew, thank God lol

Lisa Norris 1 year ago

My now 13 yr old daughters hospital photos made her look like my old horrid MIL. To this day they are at the bottom of a box in the deepest darkest part on my home. Needless to say she turned into a adorable baby and a beautiful young woman.

Vanessa 1 year ago

My first went from this impossibly beautiful baby to a wrinkly old man in two days. He looks like a doll in the pics we have from the hospital, then we get home and “look, its Benjamin Button.” Still adorable though.

Katie Anderson 1 year ago

mine looked like a old man just like my dad and his nose was bigger than my belly lol! but after few weeks he turned to most cute baby, thank God! lol

Tracy Cavallari 1 year ago

2 of my 3 were typically homely, but my second born was just about the prettiest newborn ever. The whole time we were in the hospital, random people (doctors, nurses, families of other patients) kept coming in asking to see this gorgeous baby they’d heard about. The kicker? There was a set of identical triplets born on the ward the same day…..but everyone wanted to see MY baby!

Neva Kayaani 1 year ago

Lol! Thanks for sharing.

Melissa Joyce 1 year ago

My son looked like a little mobster. He did eventually get cuter.

Liz Marie 1 year ago

My babies were adorable, and both are beautiful children, thank goodness they didnt come out like the parents! Lmao

Michelle Oakleaf 1 year ago

My son was always adorable! Guess I’m just lucky 😉

Carissa 1 year ago

Although very cone headed (because he was playing peek-a-boo) my baby was chunky like the ones you see on tv so he wasn’t so ugly. Of course he had a slight old man look with no hair but the cubby cheeks made him a squishy cute baby from birth.

Connie Plaskett 1 year ago

It’s not of looks but the feeling inside that is beautiful

Angel O’Farrell 1 year ago

My son was nice and full and had nice skin, beautiful! Even the nurses were complimenting on how beautiful he was! My daughter on the other hand….she was skinny and red and weird looking, looked like an ugly monkey lol. Now she is 4yrs old and shes a beautiful blonde haired blue eyed beauty :)

Jen Parker 1 year ago

Lmao my biggest fear was that I would have an ugly baby. I got the oppposite- people still ask if my little boy is a girl. He will be all decked out in blue, and people have said, “What a cute girl!”. Ha ha, God. You showed me!

Steph Lane 1 year ago

I thought my son was absolutely gorgeous when he was born. Except for the big cone head.


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