Mothers & Daughters


Jeff and I were lazy parents last night. We stuck the kids in our bed, put on a movie and decided they could just fall asleep without teeth brushing, stories and songs.

The two of us sat on the couch together; no computers, no kids. It was nice. We talked.

Jeff told me about how sweet Lily has been with him lately.

The night before, when he tucked her in, the two of them lay side by side in her twin bed and reminisced. He told the story of the night he fell in love with her, in her lilac room in our very first house. She was a few months old and crying in her crib. He went it to console her and she looked up at him, smiled and he melted, as only a father can.

He told her of the time when he’d been away on business and came home and she was so happy to see him that she cried tears of joy as she hugged him close. She teared up and cuddled with him, remembering that feeling. They traded countless stories and laughed and dozed off together.

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She’s been amazing, lately, Jeff said, his voice shaking. Fathers and daughters, I sighed.

He looked at me, expectantly.

She told me she hated me four times today, I contributed.

Mothers and daughters.

About the writer


What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill Smokler’s stay-at-home days with her children, quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Welcome to Scary Mommy!


L.A. Say Inc. 3 years ago

This is very common but she will eventually appreciate you for doing what you do for her…. like when she moves out lol.

Kelly 3 years ago

So thankful for this post…. It’s nice to know I’m not alone :)
My mornings are generably horrible with my 5yr old daughter and I bickering about what she will and will not do (ie: get up, brush her teeth, etc.) but, sure enough if Daddy asks — she can’t move fast enough. I feel like she hates me. Make me want to cry sometimes….

Leslee Albright 3 years ago

I believe my daughter telling me (everyday!) that she hates me must mean I'm doing something right on this parenting gig.

Lynette 3 years ago

My girls will soon be 10 and 12. The younger one still wants to snuggle. The older one came home from the first day of Kindergarten to announce that she was officially too old to hug and kiss her mother… that only babies do that. So, I’ve kind of had a few years to come to terms with the idea that one day she’ll probably murder me in my sleep.

heather 3 years ago

i never had the “i hate you”. but i did catch my dd’s reflection in the window flipping me off a couple times…..

Dawn 3 years ago

I never believed in abortion until my daughter hit those “precious” teenage years. I then believed that you should be able to abort your daughters when they turn 12, only to be returned when they have their first child, and not a moment before! There is hope though-my daughter, who must have told me she hated me every day for about 5 years, is now one of my best friends. She thanked me one day for loving her no matter what, and never giving up on her. Those are the most wonderful words a Mom can hear. She now has two kids of her own and has experienced the “joy” that a
prepubescent child can bring! And if your story doesn’t turn out as beautifully as mine has, relax. There is a time when you will go through menopause, and trust me, that will be your angel’s ultimate payback! You think teenage girls can be mean, bitchy, and crazy? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Yes, paybacks can be a bitch!

My 2 Monkeys 3 years ago

I just found your blog. I love it :) It is nice to know I am not the only hated mom :( My DD started “hating” me at a mere 18m when she started biting. It has slowly progressed to hitting, screaming, and of course the “you are the worst mother ever” and ” I hate you”. Did I mention she is now 5. She is me as a child to a T (I don’t remember it so young) . My dad laughs at me and is like ” pay backs a b**ch”. When you talk to other parents it makes me feel worse. Because they have the the most perfect child. Why is there so much people don’t like to say about parenting or pregnancy for that matter ? Why do they sugar coat it ?

Lori@TheLyonsDin 3 years ago

SOOOO glad it’s not just me. Whew.

RuralRebellion 3 years ago

I already feel like this and our DD is 19 months old. She is obsessed with Daddy, and some days I feel like she hates me already. I’m pretty jealous.

Anna 4 years ago

I have 3 daughters and a son. There’s an age gap between my first two kids and my last two kids. I was an active duty Marine when my first two were a toddler and an infant. I was always a sahm with my last two. My oldest daughter has been trying to kill me since she was in utero and very nearly succeeded in giving me a heart attack several times. I was the kind of mom that homeschooled for several years because we were a military family and moving all the time. When we finally put the girls back in public school their IQ’s dropped 10 points and it was girls gone wild. They both got pregnant at 16, two years apart. I felt like such a failure, even after I found out that their friends were also trying to get pregnant, some sort of pact. Naturally my two were the fertile ones, sigh. My son and youngest daughter are alot smarter than their sisters, honor roll continuously etc. But all THREE of my girls have daddy wrapped around their collective pinkies. He’s put us into debt any number of times because they just had to have something. But he’s always so hard on The Boy (this is how he has always been referred to), who absofrickinglutely idolizes his dad. I have to constantly remind my husband that The Boy is the only one that actually likes him and thinks Dad can do no wrong. The Boy would never dream of treating his dad the way his sisters do, in his mind DAD is a Superhero, of course The Boy just turned 13 and Dad has probably lost his window of opportunity to have a better relationship with The Boy. Men can be so dense. I learned to never trust my girls and my boy is the only one I can trust to do what I expect him to.

zumpie 4 years ago

Wow, it is sooooooo totally different at my house. My daughter and I are incredibly close and except for a couple of few week phases always have been.

The hubby? Not so much. They tend to fight a lot (though it’s been better lately)–and my daughter will frequently announce that she “isn’t a Daddy’s girl, but is a Mommy’s girl”. Of course my cause is helped by the fact that I’m the fun one AND that my daughter and I are really, really similar personality-wise..but there you have it.

Poor dad is just on the outisde looking in..

Undercovermoms 5 years ago

Again, why are these children venting on Mom? Is Mom venting on them? Takes two to tango. SOMEDAY, when you need support, and your kids run off to the beach or mall w/ friends, you will regret LACK of honesty and communication YOU built in family ethics from early childhood.

Moms can fix immediately w/ sincerity. Sarcasm is not sincerity. Name calling is not communication or family support. Venting is toxic.

    Jessica Brown 5 years ago

    Wow, who the hell are you, undercovermoms? Who peed in your cheerios, lady? Do you even have kids? If you do, they’re prolly young, or all boys, because this is a girl thing. Are you honestly going to tell me your children have never mouthed off at you? And if they have, are you going to tell me it’s only because you did something wrong? Because that’s what you’re saying here about someone else. You’re judging her without knowing her from Eve. You’re making these suppositions and insinuating things about a woman who you don’t know AT ALL. Sure, she writes about things and is frequently sarcastic, but that doesn’t sum up her entire parenting repertoire. My guess is, she’s a great mom, and is a lot less sarcastic in person and around her kids than online, where you can be whoever and whatever you like, without regrets.

    My mom was funny, sarcastic, sweet, loving, and at times, yeah, she got angry. Sometimes she’d blow up, when I was being particularly frustrating, or when life was being frustrating. Wow, she needed to have gone to Undercovermoms U for Moms, huh? She was a bad mom, huh? I do know this (and I knew it then, too, in the selfish awareness of a pre-teen and teenager), that when I vented on HER, it was not because of her parenting–it was because I was a jerky teenager!

    Seriously, lady, get off your high horse. Your post was way out of line. Saying that she hasn’t been honest and formed communication in her family? You don’t know her, and you can’t judge her. Piss off, you troll. And no, venting isn’t toxic–it keeps you from exploding. I’m venting on her behalf here. You sound like you need to get laid and relax, you’re too perfect for life. Real life, that is.

donna 5 years ago

i have 2 daughters 2 sons 1 grandchild all living at home which i love i know im crazy but my daughters are old enough now that were good friends too they had moments of the i hate you not too much haha ive always been very close with all my kids now i have the light of my life my grandson so to all you young moms it will turn around i use to say to them when they said i hate u but i love u which drove them crazy haha im 47 and lovin my family friends and life try to laugh everyday

    Undercovermoms 5 years ago

    Enjoy. Sounds GREAT. 2nd Chapter.

beanstalk 5 years ago

im soo sad right now i have just spent the afternoon screaming at my 4yr odls she is such a wonderful little girl but when she goes my goodness its hard, i got so stressed i walked out of her room and kicked a wall now my toe is broken. i am writing this as she watches tv oblivious and i have tears streaming down my face and an icepack on my foot. i want to be all supernanny but with washing cooking a 1yearold and everything else its so hard. i feel that if anyone heard me they would call social services. i dont think im a bad person but sometimes i wish they had an off button

    Undercovermoms 5 years ago

    Give yourself a hug. Hope your toe feels better. Everyone needs a break ! Lay down, take a break, read a magazine.

    Jessica Brown 5 years ago

    Well, consider this the universe telling you not to kick things again. It only damages things…including toes. Perhaps punch a pillow? Scream into it? Done both and they both help LOL. And yeah, my hubby is always telling me, why didn’t we pay extra for the kid models with the mute and pause buttons, as well as the common sense upgrade? Shaking my head, wish it was that easy! Take it easy on yourself, putting yourself under too harsh of expectations will only lead to more pressure and more problems. Do something for yourself, and try to relax. Read a book, take a bath (once the kids are in bed?), eat some chocolate. You can only be good to someone else when you’re good to yourself, or else there’s no foundation.

Marzipan 5 years ago

Keep the kids talking. Be a good listener. Especially daughters w/ new boyfriends, and fantasies about new guy being like “Daddy”. Waaa… No no no.

Doesn’t work like that. He ain’t your Daddy, darlin’.
Daddy is unique. Take it slow!

Kathleen Coleman 5 years ago

Loved your post. My daughter and I talk just about everyday because she can’t walk to class at college and just contemplate life. But I’ll take it … at least she calls and shares way more about college life than a parent should hear. I swear somethings in my head I’m listening and saying “LaLaLaLaLa I can’t hear you!”

Kim 5 years ago

Ain’t that the truth. I have one 19, 20, and 21. They are all at the I hate my parents stage.

Stasha 5 years ago

Loved this post. I was always grandpa’s girl.
My son loves me. Right after TV, toys, chocolate, dog, horse and math. Don’t worry, he is still on top of my list.

Marzipan 5 years ago

Undercover Moms encourage all Moms to teach equality and good communication to children.

Moms and Dads are equal, sisters and brothers are equal. Quality time is equal. Love is equal and unlimited. Respect is equal. No name calling. Speak from the heart. Share your feelings w/o blaming. Learning to manage negative emotions is equal.
Support is equal. Play no favorites to divide.

Dads miss important bonding time w/ children daily.
Whatever precious moments they get, should be given unconditionally by the entire family. A loved Dad is a happy Dad.

    Imperfect Mom 5 years ago

    “I do believe, I do believe, I do believe.”

      Marzipan 5 years ago

      Super Moms have feelings too. Nothing like a Mom forum!

Imperfect mom 5 years ago

Scary mommy you are the best! My husband thinks I’m nuts right now cause I was laughing so hard looking at my ipad! The good news is your husband will be singing a different tune when she’s a teen. The bad news is she’ll still be yelling Mom I hate you along with, you’re ruining my life, everyone else is doing it, yada yada yada.

    Marzipan 5 years ago

    Yelling? Berating her Mother? Yikes. Time to teach boundaries. Suggest ground rules for weekly Mother-Daughter “kitchen table” chats, sharing grievances BY LIST. Include tea and cookies, as needed :)

    These healthy habits will last a lifetime to her credit and success!

      Imperfect Mom 5 years ago

      OMG where’s your sense of humor? Are you living in Oz?

        Jessica Brown 5 years ago

        For real, some of these uptight wenches need a reality check. And a sense of humor. I’m best friends with my daughter (who is also going through an extremely bratty pre-teen phase…), and we always talk stuff out…after the screaming and slamming doors phase has passed and we’re ready to talk again. Everyone has to vent now and then, and the hating thing will pass, if you’ve been a good mom. Likely you have, every kid says that kind of stuff at some point in time.

          Undercovermoms 5 years ago

          Uptight? Don’t think so.. talking is great. Yelling is not the solution. It is a symptom of too much pressure.

          With friends, school, work. Hard on people. Went thru it plenty. Regret it today.

          Daughter,sons, the whole nine yards, Ladies. Enjoy them when they are young and depend on you for support every day. Best days of your life.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          So here, ladies, we have the probably only specimen of this breed: the woman who doesn’t ever and hasn’t ever yelled about anything. Sorry, friend, but yelling IS therapeutic sometimes. It’s a form of therapy recommended for people who need to be able to express themselves but are repressed. Don’t believe me? Look it up. And as far as talking, of course it’s best, but can you honestly say that a teenager is always rational and willing to talk, rather than to yell? And can you say you’ve never been under pressure (not a dirty word, it’s a real life we’re talking about here, not some theoretical utopia) and yelled before–and that it didn’t feel good for a moment? Now, if you yell and are mean and nasty, that’s one thing. But sometimes, just getting things out of your system IS HEALTHY. Repression is not. It’s like lancing a boil or other infection: the nastiness HAS to come out, or it will poison what is inside.

          Undercovermoms 5 years ago

          I yelled PLENTY because I was stressed, and over-worked.
          There is a time and a place for Moms to get heard and support. It is w/ other Moms. You are growing too.

          Too complicated for kids.
          And they love you DEARLY. Your world is ONE. It is a beautiful time to be a young family. Once in a lifetime. Very precious. Very tiring.

          Undercovermoms 5 years ago

          My Mother NEVER yelled. She had a lifetime of migraines. She died of brain cancer. I yelled. Not my style. Made me miserable. Ok? So, there are many shades of gray. Keep talking and sharing here. Real feelings. Before you explode. Take the pressure off g r a d u a l l y. Moms understand. Moms care. No offense intended.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          LOL that’s one reason to yell every now and then, to not explode. I don’t pretend to know everything. Why do you? Honestly, you sound like a parody of a psychologist, like the shrink from that movie, “First Wives Club”, talking about “grow from love” and such…Regarding offense, if you didn’t mean offense, why were you offensive initially, before anyone replied to you? Seriously, did you go back and re-read your original comment? It sounded so very condescending and condemning, it made the hackles rise on the back of my neck. I sincerely hope you didn’t intend it that way.

          And I am very sorry to hear about your mom…that sucks. Glad you went through your yelling period and came out the other side a better person. God, it’s not like I’m saying that’s the only thing to do, to yell. Like I’m some primal scream therapist or something. It’s not always optimal, but it’s there as am emergency pressure-release valve, as long as it’s not done in a hostile and mean way. Sometimes the teapot needs to scream a bit, let off some steam. It’s healthy. Now, a good massage or a yoga session or a nice conversation, that’s even healthier, but it’s not always possible. When my little girl is just going off for no reason (hormones…), I let her yell. She has never said she hates me and I pray she doesn’t, it would just crush me. I’m waiting, though, because I know how hateful teens can be in the grips of a raging snit. But when she yells at me, I will yell back, then we end up laughing about it later. The point is, you judged the author, and I despise that. You’re talking about shades of grey, yet you were so very black and white with what you said, and so apparently unflinching in your assessment of her failure as a parent. It bothered me as immensely unfair, and I don’t stand for injustice.

        Undercovermoms 5 years ago

        Unless a Mom “vents” you throw insults. This is NOT your game.
        You are venting because …you are not in control at all times of your kids. THIS is reality. This is called “a forum” for diverse ideas.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          Undercovermoms, I “threw insults” because you threw them first, and you are the one who began the whole thing by trolling. Go back and read your original comment, with its all caps vehemence (which I mirrored) and judgmental crap. You act like you know her personally and have observed her family and judged it, finding it lacking. You don’t know her. That’s my point, that you have no right to judge her. I’m not saying unless someone vents they’re wrong. I’m saying you’re wrong for saying venting is wrong, because it isn’t! If this is about diverse ideas, you don’t condemn someone else’s and basically call them a bad parent. Offer your own opinion for yourself, not judgmental statements like: “SOMEDAY, when you need support, and your kids run off to the beach or mall w/ friends, you will regret LACK of honesty and communication YOU built in family ethics from early childhood.” That, undercovermoms, is just plain being mean and condemning when you know nothing.

          And yes, it is “my game” because I know people like you who are self-righteous and are completely out of touch with reality, and seem to derive great comfort from being mean to others by acting so very self-important and condescending. I don’t personally know the woman who wrote the piece, but I do know, from the tone and timbre of your reply, that you are someone who I’d rather not have as a friend, someone who would offer syrupy platitudes in the way of advice and rolled eyes instead of a helping hand.

          Undercovermoms 5 years ago

          Do you have teenagers? They will always run off to the beach and chill w/ kids rather than listen to a “venting” Mother. I have a lifetime of reality. The kids grow up, Mom is stuck in a rut of “venting”. I’m not judging or calling Moms “trolls” or uptight wenches. Get a 2nd opinion from a professional or a teacher.
          Don;t listen to experience. Pay $250 an hour to hear a Psychologist say “you are yelling and name calling in your home everyday, and you want ME to fix this in one hour”.
          Whatever works.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          Who the hell do you think you are, woman? Where did I ever say I yell in my home every day? And believe it or not, I’m not the one always doing the venting. Kids vent, too, and it’s not because I vent at them. Obviously not: you stated yourself that your mom NEVER yelled…yet you yelled. Hum. And my friend, I don’t need your platitudes about teachers and psychologists…I am one. Have been both–a teacher and a family counselor. Sometimes there’s a time to hand the people the Nerf bats; sometimes they need to do a trust exercise together; sometimes, they need to yell and get their feelings out. Don’t condescend to me. Re-read your original comment and tell me you weren’t needlessly cruel and judgmental. I know what I am talking about.

          Yup, kids do grow up. And when mine have done so, we’ll still be tight. Because we’re honest and real with each other, not repressed and uptight. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we yell, we have a lot of fun, we have deep discussions and irreverent tickle-fests. And I won’t ever, ever tell another mom that “SOMEDAY, when you need support, and your kids run off to the beach or mall w/ friends, you will regret LACK of honesty and communication YOU built in family ethics from early childhood”. WTF? I don’t know her, I don’t know you, and I’m in no position to say that she “fostered a lack of honesty and communication…in family ethics” based on a damn blog post. Those are your words, undercovermoms. Note mine. Who needs to learn here? A troll is someone who just comes in and says something mean when they shouldn’t. And an uptight wench is someone who takes themselves way too seriously.

          Undercovermoms 5 years ago

          Again, we disagree and you are presuming caps are vehemence. I cap for emphasis. Are you having another tantrum, Scary Mommy? ASK before you judge. “Gee, I don;t understand your comment. Do you mean ____ or ______.”
          Adult Conversation 101.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          And by the way, I’m not “scary mommy.” That’s the blog owner, the one who you were insulting by saying she is fostering a lack of honesty and communication in her home.

          As far as all caps, perhaps you should brush up on your web etiquette. All caps is called yelling, and it indicates vehemence…and vehemence is an emphatic statement. Grammar 101. You’re the one who began the whole thing by being…well, by being uptight and a bit trollish. No reference to your appearance, but your comment was extremely negative, judgmental and not necessary. Sorry, but if the shoe fits, wear it.

          Jessica Brown 5 years ago

          And I just noticed…did I misunderstand you, or did you say your life is too complicated for kids?? Are you seriously saying that you’re giving parenting advice and aren’t even a parent? I hope I misunderstood that, because taking advice on parenting from someone who is childless is like taking advice on being a lesbian from a gay man. Completely irrelevant, except what they read from books and observe with a completely foreign and a bit of a jaded eye. SMH.

grace 5 years ago

Love this :)

Donna May 5 years ago

When my daughter was 5 we were in J C Penneys, and I wouldn’t buy her $50 sparkly pink tennis shoes…. she threw herself down on the floor and wailed “I hate you, I hate you”. Her father walked away and pretended he didn’t know who we were! LOL or else I’d scream!!

Donnamay 5 years ago


Meanest Mom on the Block 5 years ago

HILARIOUS. I just forwarded this to my Facebook friends… and might have to post this on my blog, too. So feelin’ you. My daughter’s wails for daddy persist all day long. And I just tell her, “Daddy’s at work. And no one can hear your cries. It’s just you and me, sweet cheeks.”

liz 5 years ago

In our house, Daughter #2 does NOT like Daddy. Mommy needs to do everything for her, or holy Hell breaks loose.

Tonight was just one example. I needed to go in and put her to bed because she was irate and screaming that Mommy needed to do it.

The girl’s got some serious Daddy issues.

    Undercovermoms 5 years ago

    Kinda cute.

Sher 5 years ago

That’s so cute! We have one girl who will turn three next week. She is also definitely a daddy’s girl. Sometimes when she wants something from her dad, she will say pretty please in a way that daddy can’t deny her. I wonder what he will do if she’s old enough to ask for a car! :)

Btw YOU HAVE A GREAT BLOG!!! I love your honesty, I guess I only tend to write about the good coz im too conscious to write about the bad and the scary. I’m kinda new in blogosphere, but I’m happy to read blogs like yours that give me inspiration!

Randi 5 years ago

The other night my 12 yr old daughter made some sassy remark to me, and out of the corner of my eye I seen her Dad’s jaw drop. I look over at him and snap “Yea, all the friggin time!”. He told me later he couldn’t belive it, and that he secretly didn’t believe me when I told him that she was such a smartie pants.

Nicole@MTDLBlog 5 years ago

That last line made me laugh. out. loud. So true! But I hear, that when they’re adults, we’re their best friends. I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t raised by my mother, but I’m looking forward to the day when that’s true. We’ll see. :-)

Ellen-TCMom 5 years ago

My 4 1/2 year old takes the pictures of my husband off the piano and goes into a corner and looks at them sadly sometimes when he is at work. She tells me she hurts she misses him so much. But she is still young enough to tell me I am the luckiest mom in the world ( because I have her and her 2 sisters…. and I do agree) The father daughter bond is very special mine was with my dad and I am so glad it is with my husband and my girls too.

    Undercovermoms 5 years ago

    Bravo! Plenty of love to go around.

Alissa 5 years ago

Ain’t that the truth?!?!

Oh the things I said to my mother growing up…

Vicki 5 years ago

This post is why I’m glad I have a son and I’m hOping he’ll turn out gay.

    Imperfect Mom 5 years ago

    Awesome comment!

Brittany at Mommy Words 5 years ago

Oh my goodness the kids go crazy for Ross all the time and I am like dirt to all but VIolet…and even she melts for Ross. Jeff and other dads are so lucky to not be the constant bad guys. Sophia has not told me she hates me yet but I think my heart will break. Hugs. She loves you babe.


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