Erin Donovan
Latest posts by Erin Donovan (see all)
- The PostPartum Checkup (Dead Vagina Walking) - April 15, 2011
- Husbands & Toys - April 9, 2010
I’m not great with dates. I can never remember minutiae like Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday of November or that New Years Day is exactly one week after Christmas. The individuals who know when Harvest Moons and Daylight Saving Time occur must be calendar makers or descendants of Nostradamus. If it weren’t for computerized alerts, I’d never be aware of birthdays, anniversaries, or the days Oprah is giving away gold-coated Maytags and half-sisters. The one date I can always remember – after three pregnancies in as many years – is the one that falls six weeks after delivery: The six week postpartum checkup.
It’s the appointment in which the OB will stare at your nethers under the glare of a strobe light mounted to a hardhat as she asks leading questions to discern how many times you’ve fallen down the stairs in a fit of delirium and how closely you identify with the movie The Omen. As you gently hint at the likelihood of getting a script for Tylenol PM for Infants, your doctor will smile at you, offer congratulations for your bundle of colic, and will utter the one sentence you are – no matter what her speculum says – entirely unprepared to hear:
You can resume sexual activity now.
Your Gone Fishin’ sign was just yanked right off your vagina. Mayan Year 2010 hit your private parts. If this visit follows the birth of your first baby, your husband is likely standing beside the table as this news is delivered. The grin to spread across his face will outstretch the one you saw when he was first handed his newborn child. The smile fades as he witnesses your descent through The Five Stages of Grief, all of which occur in dramatic flair with your knees still touching opposite coastlines.
Denial. “I think you have the wrong file. I just delivered a baby. A human. See, that’s her right there. That was inside of my body until she tore her way through it, like a goddamn Trojan Horse. Are you certain you went to medical school?”
Anger. “Why did you ask me here? I was told by a woman I work with that you were going to give me happy pills at this appointment, not tell me I need to be having sex with… (unsubtle head tilt in partner’s direction). And I would like my underwear back now.”
Bargaining. “Listen, I may have overreacted. Let’s find some middle ground. You pop a couple of those episiotomy stitches down there and I’ll tell all of my friends with yeast infections to come see you. Deal?”
Depression. The utterance of words during the passage through this phase ceases altogether as you consider that the only moments your day permits for a shower and a status update on Facebook have been stolen.
Acceptance. You nod slowly, shifting your eyes from the doctor, to the baby, to your husband, understanding that all are working in chorus to destroy your personal anatomy and your DVR queue.
You exit the physician’s office, quite possibly still wearing the oversized Maxi pads you absconded with from the hospital, with a slow and wearied gate. Dead Vagina Walking. Your husband, on the other hand, has a buoyancy to his step and is already suggestively whistling something by Marvin Gaye.
This is when the calendar floats into your consciousness again. Whatever day this 6 week postpartum check falls on – a Tuesday, a Friday, May, December – is the day that will be listed on your tombstone. This is the day you’re going to die. Your friends and family will eulogize your life with somber nods, “She endured too much. Sleeplessness, poor oral hygiene, elasticized waistbands, a diet of fistfuls of cereal. Despite this, her doctor told her she was ready for exercise and sex. It was too much to bear.”
Too much is exactly what it is. A nurse once whispered in my ear, upon walking out the door with my firstborn child, to be wary of the six week post-delivery time as this is the period babies present colic, when postpartum depression rears its vicious head, and – tragically – when the help and casseroles from those around you disappear. The weight of these stressors only compounds when your husband starts in with the bedroom eyes. It’s not that you don’t appreciate those eyes. May God grant Sainthood to the man who can see beyond the facade of sagging skin and stretch marks to the woman he was attracted to once before. It’s not that you don’t love your husband. It has very little to do with him actually. Your body has been hijacked by hormones, your erogenous zones assassinated by nursing, and your ability to lay prone in the dark without falling comatose has been lost. And you’re a bit terrified because your lady innards still feel a lot like Hiroshima must have looked after the A-bomb.
However, he will start dry humping your leg like an un-neutered Jack Russell Terrier if you continue to cite ‘funky stuff you don’t want to even know about down there’ as your reason for celibacy. He will start to suspect you’re stretching the truth when you say you’re considering a Divine calling to join a Roman convent. Even you understand, with the small portion of brain matter you’ve got left, that reuniting may make you begin to feel more like your old self. You’ve weathered pregnancy and delivery together without any casualties, thus there must be hope for the same outcome in the bedroom. After all, isn’t marriage about compromise and leaps of faith?
But it’s completely fair to say you’re not taking your sweatpants off.
{ 142 comments… read them below or add one }
Dead Vagina Walking!! OMG! I can totally relate, great post!
Alison recently posted..Gorgeous Quilted Pencil Roll from E by Elaine!
OMG!!!!!!! I was sooooo there with you!!! I don’t even remember when we started having sex after I gave birth but I am positive it was way longer than 6 weeks.
HILARIOUS!
Skinny Mom’s Kitchen recently posted..Menu Planning Does Not Always Go As Planned
I can’t relate because I had an emergency section but it sounds ghastly..
Happy Random Tuesday!
Kristine recently posted..Man Candy Monday!!!!
oh, yes. sex 6 weeks after a baby is scary on so many levels. i was convinced my lady bits would never be the same after i delivered my first. and at 6 weeks wanted nothing to do with sex.
Super funny post. I laughed out loud while feeding my 3 week old second child. in 3 more weeks it might not be quite so funny….
Aww, congrats on the new one. And maybe they’ll have a prosthetic vagina created in the next three weeks…
I thought my blog reader list was complete. As of right now, this blogger will be added. If she were to run for President….every woman would vote for her.
OHN recently posted..Have you ever
I will run on the platform of outlawing post-delivery sex. This may have been just what Hilary needed.
I’m in. What can I do to Help you get to Pennsylvania Ave.?
Ok with my first one I was single so it wasn’t even a concern. With my second umm yeah.. well let’s just say I was ready before 6 weeks. And the same with the 3rd. Of course let me also add that I have an amazing husband who quite possibly loved the children more then I. It was nothing for him to draw me a hot bath or shower while walking a colicky newborn. His absolute devotion and help with the baby made him sexier then ever in my eyes. Even when he was changing one diaper and lil man proceeded to poop in the wet wipe being used to clean him up.
Angel recently posted..Thanks for the Memories Sunday
‘Dead vagina walking’ I am rolling around on the office laughing my head and I don’t care if the coworkers think I am crazy.
Do you now how I got rid of beggin bedroom eyes? I asked him: ‘do you think you will be able to stop picturing the baby comming out’. His face turned the same ashen gray as it was in the delivery room, at once!
Brilliant! Sure I wasn’t ready after 6 weeks, more like3 to 4 months I remember…
Love it!! Wish I thought of that one!!
Fabulous and oh so true.
I was grateful my OB had me wait 10 weeks after that creep show called birth. He took one look at that double episiotomy, slowly shook his head and granted me a slight reprieve…not long enough though.
Thanks for a hearty laugh this morning.
Vinobaby recently posted..The Soul of Spring
Hahaha…great post! It was so long ago for me that there’s no way I can remember the details but I’m quite sure that there was some police tape with a gigantic DO NOT ENTER written around my nether regions for quite some time.
Of course, I was pregnant within six months so apparently, NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH.
I didn’t think it was ossicle to get pregnant that fast without trying. In a word.
EMBARRASSING!!! Oh well…great post…and funny too!!
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..Overheard at the MacDonalds … take one
Yeah, I’ll confess….we jumped the 6 week gun. Or tried to. Fortunately, the Little Man had some infant-sonar and knew Exactly when to start crying unconsolably. Each and Every time.
I think I had to be dragged out of my OB’s office with my nails scratching into the floor – “What do you mean? I’m still broken! That’s it?” After my 2nd, it was even worse as stitching had come out and they said “Oh, that happens when we use that thread. Don’t worry about it.” It’s cool – just searing pain around my vagina.
It’s when I realized men truly are the root of all evil.
Thank for this – a great for the start of the day!
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Are the Other Moms still out to get me
That men are the root of all evil must be the truest thing I ever heard anyone say. Imagine all the pain we women have had to endure so that THEY can reproduce themselves. While sitting in front of the telly. Drinking beer. Watching football. NEVER giving birth! Fuckers.
“Dead Vagina Walking” had me dying. So hilarious.
Oh…Erin. When you think she can’t get any funnier…she pulls this one out of her sleeve.
I always feel so guilty reading her posts, b/c they’re free.
I should pay to read her.
She is so good.
Thanks for hosting, ScaryMommy!!
People…you’re crazy if you don’t follow Erin.
Seriously. Crazy.
Alexandra recently posted..Who Is Theta Moms Featured Blogger Today
Before we leave the maternity hospital in the UK we are given a little paper bag which contains 4 condoms!! Bearing in mind we usually only stay in the hospital for 24/48 hours. WTF do they think we are going to do the day we leave?
Okay, no baby ever wanted to live in my uterus or slide down my vagina. But fertility treatments don’t exactly leave you “in the mood either” so I hear you. You killed me with Dead Vagina Walking. One more reason why outsourcing the birth of your children is the higher road…LOL
Dead Vagina Walking. That is sheer brilliance, Erin!
liz recently posted..My Li&8217l Painter
LOL! Loved this! Erin always makes laugh.
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..My daughters don’t want me to tell you this…
This might be my favorite Erin post of all.
This is amazingly hilarious!!! WOW, seriously I couldn’t stop laughing! “Dead vigina walking!!” LOL
Eve @BeautifulSpitUp recently posted..One Year Ago Today- I Gave Birth
this post was fantastic!
And I always got 8 weeks because I had sections. Surgery takes longer to heal (or at least that is what I told my husband).
Jen recently posted..When the Going Gets Tough- the Tough head to Outer Space
Do you think anyone at work would be offended if I put a “Dead Vagina Walking” sign??? That’s the funniest thing EVER!!!
FUNKY STUFF INDEED! LOL.
When does that stop by the way? It’s been 2 years. HAHA.
Loved it, Erin :)
Wanna know my secret? I didn’t let my husband come to the follow up check ups. No Way. I was able to make it a good 9 weeks with the first one. keep ‘em clueless, I say. Because I like that “gone fishin’” sign. Except mine says “gone to target”
MommaKiss recently posted..The tale of the Ape
Yeah, the whistling of Marvin Gaye works on me every time. But then again, I am a cartoon.
Great post, glad I stopped by =]
The Animated Woman recently posted..The ULTIMATE in MAN Stripper Footwear
Erin, you are unbelievable. That’s the sound of Erin’s vagina on the chain gang, and I LOVE IT.
Ann’s Rants recently posted..The Middle School Columnist asks you questions!
HILARIOUS!!!! And oh God so so true. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking back to that appointment. I wanted my doc to give me a script saying no sex for the first year; I even offered him my first born. No dice. Bastard. Male conspiracy!
totally loving this post!!
Devan @ Accustomed Chaos recently posted..I Wear My Sunglasses At Night … and Indoors
Okay, hilarious, as always! Also? Thought I was the only one making off w/ the hospital maxi pads. I figured after the $3500 c-section bill they stuck me with, it was my revenge.
StephanieinSuburbia recently posted..Make a U-Turn When Possible
Fabulous post! I refused to have sex at 6 weeks. And when I did give in, I regretted it. Those doctors don’t know shit.
Adryon recently posted..The Kitchen’s Meal Plan- Food Blogger Edition
I think I peed in my pants a little. And not just cause I’ve had three kids and I pee when I sneeze, cause it was hilarious! Loved it!
Susan M recently posted..The End
Perfection. Note to new mothers: do not bring your husband to the six week checkup. He does not need to know you have the go ahead. You have the right to make something up. You are welcome.
This was so hilarious. I made the mistake of writing a post on this the day of my six week visit. Not smart. I couldn’t really see the humor in my dead vagina walking at that point.
Fabulous!
Brittany {Mommy Words} recently posted..Mommy Words- What’s Your Word
Nice to know that you’re straight up advocating dishonesty in your relationship. Good going, Brittany. /smh
I didn’t experience this at 6 weeks.. I experienced this at 4 since I had a c-section. My husband is a huge fan of “surprise sex.” In which he walks up to you and says “Surprise! We’re having sex!”
Yea because folding baby clothes was getting me hot and bothered.
Breann recently posted..5-30 am
LOL. “Dead vagina walking” = awesome. I am almost 8 months pregnant now so the 6-wk postpartum checkup is in my near future. I remember the same feeling of WTF when they said I was good to go with my first…Yeah, that just shows how much they know.
Great piece!
Justine recently posted..The boxes and the geek
As a dad, don’t forget our 5-stages when we hear the news that we won’t be getting any for 6 weeks:
Denial – 6…weeks??? No…that can’t be right…
Anger – WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?!?! IS IT TOO LATE TO SCHEDULE A C-SECTION?!?!
Bargaining – ok, come on. How about 3 weeks in? By that point, even entry might be enough for me…
Depression – *SOB* my balls are going to be so big and blue…WAAAAHHHHH!!! I’m going to need to wear a bra to keep those big boys supported.
Acceptance – you know what?! I’m ok with this. Both of my hands are still good and functional.
Pop recently posted..Celebrating Six Years of Mostly Marital Bliss
Wow, these days a good laugh and not feeling like I am alone in the postpartum universe is all I need to keep going in the day!
Thank you Erin! Forever your follower! <3
Jessica recently posted..Poopin for Pears
Damn that’s hilarious! LOVED it.
Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac recently posted..A B See I told you so
that may be the funniest thing I have ever read!!! :) My husband on the other hand never wanted to look at the nether regions again. He was as terrified of what happened as I was. :)
So awesome. I told my husband is was a 6 year wait time after baby. Thank god I still have more then 4 years to go.
tracy recently posted..Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake…
What in the actual fuck? Is your husband just a paycheck for you because you obviously don’t actually love him.
What the fuck kind of frigid bitch says “Thank god I don’t have to have sex with the man I married for four more years!” ?
I sincerely hope my husband would leave me promptly the moment I became crazy enough to suggest that we shouldn’t have sex for 6 years. Frankly, I’d hope he’d have me checked into a hospital if I told him I didn’t want it for 6 DAYS. Something would have to be severely wrong with my health or my mind.
Wow, this post gave me a good laugh this morning. Thanks!!
Erin, you are slaying me this fabulous post. OMG! This has got to be one of the most brilliant posts of all time and I’m sending this to my sister, right now. Her baby (4th one) is four weeks old. I know, she’s counting down the days with a mixture of dread and nausea. Dead Vagina Walking. The universal hymn of all new mothers. Utter brilliance.
joann mannix recently posted..Might As Well Face It Youre Addicted To Twitter
Shoot, does this mean that I should be having sex with my husband again?
–Kim, mother of Abby (10) and Ian (12)
Oh my gosh… I can’t stop laughing at this! Hilarious!
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I don’t know whether to laugh or cry with this one…or just cry ’cause I’m laughing so hard. Almost makes me want to share my own postpartum check up horror story. Almost.
But ladies, seriously, even if the doc proclaims you ready to have sex at that check up, if you don’t feel ready for it then don’t do it! He can whistle Marvin Gaye till the cows come home but if I’m still not ready, he can forget about getting laid!
Four words: So glad I’m single.
AMAZING!!!
I was just breast feeding while reading this and laughed so hard at “Dead vagina walking” that my baby yanked away while maintaining suction. Then I was simultaneously laughing at this post and crying about my poor, painful nipple. This post is just perfect! The trauma of the 6 week appointment is still fresh in my mind. I also loved the appointment with the pediatrician when he asked what I was doing for birth control. I think he thought I was joking when I told him I had made a commitment to abstinence.
Christi recently posted..Beware… The Warriors Are Watching You
Just crossed my legs, and remembered those evil words myself.
Not winning mom of the year recently posted..Im a Duggar!
I adore this post. I relate on every.single.level.
God help us, one and all.
http://www.6degreeslove.com
Jesika recently posted..10 Things My Family Cant Live Without
Ditto what Wendi said. This is why I love you. Sex and exercise should begin at 3 months post-partum. Our poor vaginas.
Seriously – a fabulous post.
Brilliant. Just Brilliant.
Amy of “famed” pregnant chicken recently posted..Mother Fucking Baby Weight
Yep. I’m with Wendi and Tarj. Your best post ever. Crisp and funny and right to the heart of what we all dread.
You nailed it, girl.
gigi recently posted..A Chick Blogger’s Dictionary
I delivered four children naturally in the last 7 years. This is all to real for me. Yes, the 6 week postpartum visit is terrifying. But not nearly as terrifying as the first poop!
I delivered my last child two weeks ago. Im going to have a tubal ligation in May. My husband is terrified to touch me until those tubes are tied, burned and never functioning again. Finially, I think I have won the “lets hurry up and do-it” battle.
First of all, obviously hilarious. But don’t get me started on men and their adolescent attitude towards sex. I have a 1 and 3 yo tugging at me all day long, I am physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day. I need to be left alone awhile. Or I need someone to talk – vent – to. Not to gawk at and grope me the minute the kids are in bed sleeping. Sorry, just feeling a little bitter today. But the post did make me laugh. Thank you!
I watched one of those call in sex dr. shows once(Dr. Sue?) where the guy called in after his wife didn’t want to have sex and it had been 5 months or so since the baby was born. He wanted to know if there was anything wrong, if he should be worried. The dr. said she would expect 9 months to be more the norm and he should just give her time.
I told that to my husband who replied, “what about 15 months like us?”
:)
not that we NEVER had sex in that time…just that it was mostly “pity sex”
Brook @ To Be Dancing recently posted..The Handbook
You know, that sounds really pathetic and lame. Sorry but it is. “pity sex?” for your own husband? I bet you’d threaten to rip his balls off if he ever slept with another girl. God forbid the guy is actually happy in life.
no wonder guys cheat. Girls like you drive them to it. seriously.
jane
obviously you can tell how jealous I am or am not by my comment above. and given the context here I think it’s possible I might be forgiven a little exaggeration. but given the fact that I had just had a baby and was exhausted for a long time afterward (as happens) my husband understood that I was less focused on him just then.
whether or not my husband is happy or not does not all come down to his penis. since he is a grown man, he is able to honor his commitment to me even through a “dry spell.”
If a man is unhappy in his relationship, he should leave the relationship. I can’t drive him to break his vow of commitment. He has to decide to do that all on his own. If it’s so bad, get out. Don’t lie, sneak, and cheat.
Agreed Brook, I haven’t been able to have “sexy time” with my husband for a long time because I have chronic health issues and am very sick, but he understands because he’s been sick too and love, honor & commitment do not stop just because two married people can’t have SEX for a certain amount of time. It’s not like we don’t want to, it’s that our bodies are either hurting or we’re exhausted, etc. and sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, whether you’re a man or a woman!
I’m going right home with flowers to apologize to my wife. But before I do, I’m going to ask a good friend to whack me in the testicles with a whiffle ball bat once for each of my three children, ages 5, 4 and 2.
After our first child I high fived the doctor leaving the 6 week check up. That did not go over well.
The Irish Guy recently posted..Man vs Chimney- A Love Story
LOL Bless you! (Not about the high five part, about the flowers part! ;)
Stacey recently posted..Stacey’s Mayhem Management Tip 8
Thanks Stacey. The longer I’m married the more I wonder why a normal human like my wife would have ever consented to marry a dumb animal like me. But flowers, shiny things and chocolate cake help her tolerate me, so I keep them on high rotation.
Yay, the link is working.
Had to come back to say, and to read this genius again, had to tell you words of advice from my female gyno–upon witnessing the horrified look in my eyes whe she yanked my “kitchen’s closed” sign off:
“just grab a bottle of wine, honey, and bite the bullet.”
I did just that.
Alexandra recently posted..Who Is Theta Moms Featured Blogger Today
This post is genius. If my husband only knew I experienced these five stages of grief after the births of both my children, his Marvin Gaye whistling would be silenced forever.
So sad. So true. Dead Vagina Walking.
Bwahahahahaha!
See… this is what should be told to us who are currently childless and dying to have children… I think you made it easier for me to wait another year, haha. :)
Oh my god, I so feel you. My youngest is almost nine months old and most of the time I still feel like… there is no way I’m suitable for sexual activity. Not until they can take care of themselves. haha.
Amanda recently posted..A Very Chocolate Giveaway!
Right on Sista!
You totally nailed it for me, I had 2 c sections and although my va gi gi may not have delivered them I felt just as repulsed by sex at 6 weeks.
Exhaustion, lack of eating and yup the elasticized waist pants did it for me.
Ha! Amen sister – thanks for telling it like it is. Frickin’ hilarious and oh so true…
I may have delayed the appointment 2 weeks after baby #4 – just sayin… it was that or a flying leap with the sweatpants ON….
Perfect!!
This is when sister wives would come in handy. Extra vaginas to hunker down in. You always make me laugh. Loved this.
Bravo! OMG, I laughed out loud. Glad to know everyone feels this way and it’s just not me! :)
Jessica recently posted..Thank You Walt Disney
Just when I thought Erin couldn’t make me laugh any harder!! Hysterical post! One thing though..when in the hell did you bring your husband to the 6 week appt? Ladies, you are being warned: DO NOT BRING HIM!!!!!
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..Our Current State of Affairs
“Dead Vagina Walking”, now that is hilariously sadly true!
Thankfully my hubby didn’t even bring up sex until I did and that was a long time after that 6wk postpartum check. He wouldn’t have been able to get close if he tried, I was having a love affair with my warm water squeeze bottle!
Veronica recently posted..What’s Hazardous for your Health Giveaway
Dead Vagina Walking – so brilliant and hilarious! 6 weeks post 1st one was okay for me, it was 6 weeks post 2nd one that was major DVW. Let’s just say he had to grin and bear it a lot longer than 6 weeks!
Anne recently posted..Support Blogging Success BBC Part 1
Such a great post! I think almost every woman can relate.
Thanks for sharing!
BRILLIANT to the MAX! Loved this entire post and SOOOOO remember those days!!!
hilarious! “Dead Vagina Walking” ~OMG, so true!!! I was having a tough day…until I read this. I needed a good laugh ~thank you.
MOMmetime recently posted..This Moment sisterhood!
Maine is a bizzare state? Really? Have you ever been here?
Love the post about the 6 week checkup though. Hate that visit- glad my two 6 week checkups are the only ones I will be having.
Denise D recently posted..Breast- Breast- Breast! And more embarassing moments as a parent!
After my first baby, I was a clueless git who took a friend’s advice to have sex BEFORE the six wk checkup. OH MY WORD!!! let’s just say I’ve learnt my lesson for round 2.
Leisl recently posted..Dear Mommy- Notes from a Toddler
After my first, my husband didn’t come to the postpartum appointment. But came home for lunch, walked in the door an dropped trou. Luckily, I was in the mood.
My mother didn’t fare as well….my brother is 11 months younger than me. They tied her tubes immediately after my brother was born. He’s 40 now. She’s still recovering.
My hubby still walks around saying, “Didn’t the doc say we could have sex??”.
“Nope, not yet sweetie.” ( Big grin)
My daughter is 4 months old.
The robot mommy recently posted..trm log 3-27-11 10pm Texts I send my husband…
Dead vaginia walking: Best. Line.Ever.
lifeintheboomerlane recently posted..What’s in a name
Buahahahahaha!!!! For baby number one I was so ready to reassure hubby sex would not take a backseat that we were sooooo there on the first day of six weeks.
Baby number two and three, we partook fairly quickly too…probably right at the six week mark.
Baby number four…three years ago, I told hubby the Dr. said we had to wait another week or two after I had my postpartum checkup. hahahahhahaha Amazing what a few (um…23 years) of having babies can change. ;) Do I feel guilty? Oh no. That was the most relaxing, memorable (<–outside of our gorgeous little one) two weeks of my after-pregancy.
Excellent post. I'm still smiling.
Oh my gosh this was an excellent post! I remember that visit after my first. Hubby with me – check. Baby with us – check. The smile on his face when we could resume “activity” – check, check.
One other thing to be wary of after that 6 week visit. You’re extra fertile. If you’re not extra careful you’ll have Catholic Twins. Mine are 13 1/2 months apart. You can do the math :)
Ivette Muller recently posted..The BEST Planner for Direct Sales Consultants
Same boat, Sister. 13 months on my first two. Because my doctor MADE me have sex before I could even remember what protection meant. Ha.
OMG! The hilarious think is I asked my wonderful OB/GYN (and yes, I really do love her) about protection and she said, quote, “Since you’ve had challenges in the past and your age, I don’t recommend going back on the pill. It would be best if you could wait at least 6 months until you get pregnant again, but if it happens sooner we’ll just deal with it.”
Seriously, I don’t remember her telling me I would be extra fertile.
When we showed up 6 months after my first daughter was born, she came in the room with a big smile on her face. Yes, she was “THAT” excited for us.
Ivette Muller recently posted..The BEST Planner for Direct Sales Consultants
I can relate to everything in this post, especially the stages of grief.
I think I’m still experiencing them 11 months later.
Ahem.
Leighann recently posted..Kindergarden Kisses
Ugh, I remember that day, month, year…It was ages before I was interested again. I love the term, ‘resume’, like you can pick up speed again after going through a construction zone. Your vagina didn’t have road work done, it had a person pass through, big diff. Sadly, I had a c-section so I couldn’t use my stretched, over-worked vag as an excuse.
Theresa recently posted..I Got a New Girl Now…
I laughed my way all the way through this. Then I thought about my old coworker who claimed she was never able to wait the full 6 weeks after any of her THREE pregnancies. I still think she was lying… just sayin’.
Ally recently posted..A Bad Day Turns AWESOME
And how far apart were her 3 kids? :)
Ivette Muller recently posted..The BEST Planner for Direct Sales Consultants
LIAR.
Hysterical! And so true and wise! You got another vote for president should you choose to run.
Kid Id recently posted..How to Curse Without Really Cursing
I never let my ex-husband come to a 6 weeker. When I returned I told him the doctor said it wasn’t time and I’d have to wait another 6 weeks for the next checkup.
Granted, he did end up cheating and we divorced, but my vagina is in pristine condition due to extra healing time, I’m sure of it. I like The Man much better, anyhow.
Domestic Spaz recently posted..The golden bed time hour at the Spaz house now with fancy artwork!
Haha, one of the only benefits of having my husband leave for deployment 9 days after our daughter was born!
Katy recently posted..I rock- size 00 or not
Oh, the 6 week checkup. Hubs was so excited he was even telling my parents that they needed to come babysit so he could take me to a hotel to get it on! I’ve had 2 c-sections, and I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t ready to have sex 6 weeks after them.
Leigh Ann recently posted..March for Babies 2011
Hilarious! How about them not really telling you how it will feel when you do it again for the first time and almost a year after that! Not fair that there isn’t full disclosure! I make sure to warn all my first time mommy friends to hit a certain aisle at the drugstore first and the liquor store!
hilarious, I waited 4 months and still wasnt too happy about it!
Love love LOVE this, Erin! “…when the help and casseroles disappear…” Ha ha ha ha ha!! You’re the best. And we’re all hoping for the follow-up post. Wink.
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Oh my gosh! I need to make my husband read that. Right now we are in the 5 weeks before delivery, I’m too large and cumbersome to have much fun with, phase. Good times. I do NOT look forward to that postpartum visit. A woman definitely did not plan it, or she would have made it the three month postpartum visit!
My citation never came in the mail so I did not go to the doctor until 4 months postpartum with my second. No way did I let my husband know that any human being would deem me ready for sex! (I got out of it with the first because I had PPD. Which meant I wasn’t in the mood to stand up, let alone have sex.)
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Erin – you are the best! Totally hilarious.
I adore you and your Dead Vagina Walking. This is post-partum gold.
I have some words to describe what that first reclamation of marital rights feels like. For me, if I may be so bold, I was sure the doctor had super glued the paper tube from a toilet paper roll inside my lady chute. I considered suing.
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Is that not what a tubal ligation is? Ha.
It’s not pretty. And I’m glad you are so bold.
I was sitting in grad school tonight, on break, reading this post and laughing so loud and so hard, I’m sure my classmates thought I was having a nervous breakdown. My husband was conveniently out of town at my 6 week visit so my mom went with me where I got the green light. I thought I had another 6 weeks of winter and could make up a story? Bitch told him over the phone that night. You are hilarious!
I shouldn’t have read this at my desk. I was laughing so hard my co-workers think I’m nuts, and since they are all male, I can not share this with them. Probably one of my favorite posts of all time.
FANTASTIC post!!!! Nodding and laughing all the way through. I think you could tweak a bit and change title to “An Open Letter to the 6-week post-partum check-up” and make it all letter-esque and submit to McSweeney’s open letter column. Seriously!
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Thanks, Nina! They’re the Gold Standard on funny. I’m scared to even dare…
This post single handedly reinforces my choice to have another c-section with this baby. With my son I pushed for 4 hours and he was stuck, so I tore AND still ended up with a cesearan. I actually thought the recovery from the c-section was easier. Dead Vagina Walking…priceless.
Dead Vagina Walking!!!! LMAO!!!! Hilarious and excellent post! I had a c-section 6 years ago and can’t even remember when we first had sex after the twins were born, but I don’t remember being scared because my lady bits hadn’t been ripped apart.
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Girl shut up im crying i cant breathe about to wake the baby laughing
Oh, Erin, this was hilarious! Again! I remember that 6-week check-up both times and how scared I was about having my man near my nether regions again. Ahhh!!! I remember seeing mothers swishing around everywhere and wondering how they ever, ever healed.
I wish I could meet G. Will he be with you when you swing by in the van on the way to BlogHer?
AND this is why my husband was BARRED from the 6 wk exam. Little white lies are okay when it comes to sex after a baby! I milked another wk or so. :)
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Oh, hell, that was hilarious. Brilliantly written.
Thanks so much for that. I needed a laugh.
OMGOSH! Hysterical!
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This was TOO PERFECT for words. I won’t even try.
WOW : )
Seeing as how I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my 3rd, your post sure hit home!!! Thanks for the laugh (AND the reminder! I may make my 6 week appointment for more like 8 weeks, LOL.)
That was, quite simply, amazing. Wow. I laughed and laughed and it is SO true. Well done.
I am with Nina on that …
I need to send this masterpiece around the blogosphere – genius.
And btw first one, c-section … too miserable for sex.
Second one was handed to me as a cute little bundle in yellow … and still no sex. Since seriously, they still need feeding all night long no matter where they come from.
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Evidently I am weird. I did not know there was such a thing as a 6 week post-partum check-up. Or possibly I went to one, but it did not involve taking my underwear off. And I didn’t wait to be told it was OK to have sex, although hubby sure did ask didn’t I want to wait longer!
But before anyone feels put out that my post-partum period was so easy, I should warn it was only just recompenses for the crippling, debilitating 9 months from hell that preceded it. Seriously, I had pregnancy symptoms most people I knew had never heard of.
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Wow, this horrid, bitchy, and sad blog post convinced me that I never want to reproduce. And women wonder why their seemingly faithful husbands cheat on them.
I’m horrified! That’s enough to convince me to never have children. I can’t imagine not loving sex and having it at least a couple of times a day. Nothing is worth sacrificing my love life over. I can’t understand how you managed to make the same mistake twice more after you finally got your body back from the first time around.
Ever heard of COMMUNICATION with your husband? You’re terrible at that. Ladies, men don’t take subtle hints very well. You need to discuss with them frankly, openly and point blank about what is going on with your body, AND WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO.
You may have read every single pregnancy book in the world, you may have joined all the mommy forums and discussed the before and after, but don’t assume that he did. Don’t assume that just because you made him read a book or two that he didn’t skim just enough to offer you a few key points from each chapter to make it look like he thoroughly read it.
Jesus christ, it’s like I’m reading comments from a room of 15 year old girls who expect their husbands to just psychically understand. Your husband is not Miss Cleo. Did no one ever tell you how men communicate?
Just found this through a glorious child free community, and had to say it made me throw up in my mouth. You are idiots and liars who think it’s ” liek so hilarious” to mislead your husbands rather than communicate With them (which bodes so well for your marriage) *OR* your husbands are every ounce the rapists and forced impregnating fetishists that you portray them as…. Either way, you breeders make me fucking sick. I’m off to my elective hysterectomy, I wish you all had done the same. Maybe you wouldn’t be shipping bullshit for the patriarchy making jokes about your fucking ruined vaginas.
Enjoy the hotdog/hallway sex! I’m off to go enjoy my money, do whatever the fuck I want without checking if the baby sitter is free, and revel in my glorious sex life.
But enjoy that colicky brat. Hey, since the doc won’t prescribe meds irresponsibly, you should try just giving it rum until it shuts up. At least it’s better than those urges you have to stab it to death that you think are soooo funny.
Fuck all of you. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Greaaaat. Now all of them will think all childfree people think this way, furthering the bingos, assumptions and smugness when we say we don’t want kids. Good job!!!!!1
Hint – We don’t.
I know, seriously. I’m childfree and I support mothers. The above poster is a nasty piece of work who doesn’t represent us all.
You sound crazy, but you do have some valid points… All of us were quick in wanting the sex to have the babies… Yes, we are all insecure b/c our caginas have changed (yes, you can’t deny it). We are looser/slicker, etc. but, who cares, it was our choice!
Why are all of you laughing? You make it sound like the emotional and psychological trauma of pregnancy and birth don’t matter. These things should be discussed during your 6 week checkup. Husbands should be told that they have no right to expect sex to resume at some predetermined time set by anyone other than the women herself. Only after you are completely ready in every sense of the word should sex even be an option. Doctors should be on a women’s side to declare and defend that, not encourage men’s stupid “sex is everything” attitude. Anything less than full support of women’s rights borders on malpractice.
You’re aware that many, if not most, women enjoy sex as much or more than men, right? Sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship, and the couples who stop having sex once the children come along are the ones who wind up divorcing.
That said, there is no reason whatsoever that sex has to involve a vagina. I see no reason why a couple can’t be intimate and sexual in other ways long before a six week checkup.
I haven’t laughed this hard since Bridget Jones’ Diary debuted :)
This is nuts. :) I had an episiotomy with my first, and only waited 4 weeks. Didnt tear at all with my second, and waited 2 weeks. And I’m pretty sure there was other stuff ;) ;) that happened before those 4/2 week marks. I dunno, man…I hurt after having a baby, OBVIOUSLY. But not enough to lie to my husband, and def not enough to WANT to wait for months and months!
My husband didn’t want sex for 6 months post baby. Seeing the vagina stretched out no longer left him with sexual arousal for it… So, if your hubby still wants to have sex with your now looser vagina and with those bloody images ingrained be HAPPY– he might be faking the excitement, too!
I’m child free, not by choice… that long rant above nearly made me throw up…
As to bashing the women who aren’t straight up with their husbands about this, they’re obviously nervous for a reason, because they’ve been raised to believe men are like this, or maybe he really is… not all men are itching to have sex that soon, though many probably are… Just like not all women want to wait six weeks or longer to start again. Key point: everyone is different!
I agree that the core thing here is communication. If he can’t handle that you can’t deal with it right now, well… Don’t know what to say.
I’m more than confident my guy will be understanding if I don’t feel up to it by that point our even beyond. One if the many reasons I love him.
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I’d like to thank you for the efforts you have put in writing this site. I’m hoping to check out the same
high-grade blog posts by you later on as well. In truth, your creative
writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own website now ;)
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