Dead Vagina Walking


I’m not great with dates. I can never remember minutiae like Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday of November or that New Years Day is exactly one week after Christmas. The individuals who know when Harvest Moons and Daylight Saving Time occur must be calendar makers or descendants of Nostradamus. If it weren’t for computerized alerts, I’d never be aware of birthdays, anniversaries, or the days Oprah is giving away gold-coated Maytags and half-sisters. The one date I can always remember – after three pregnancies in as many years – is the one that falls six weeks after delivery: The six week postpartum checkup.

It’s the appointment in which the OB will stare at your nethers under the glare of a strobe light mounted to a hardhat as she asks leading questions to discern how many times you’ve fallen down the stairs in a fit of delirium and how closely you identify with the movie The Omen. As you gently hint at the likelihood of getting a script for Tylenol PM for Infants, your doctor will smile at you, offer congratulations for your bundle of colic, and will utter the one sentence you are – no matter what her speculum says – entirely unprepared to hear:

You can resume sexual activity now.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Your Gone Fishin’ sign was just yanked right off your vagina. Mayan Year 2010 hit your private parts. If this visit follows the birth of your first baby, your husband is likely standing beside the table as this news is delivered. The grin to spread across his face will outstretch the one you saw when he was first handed his newborn child. The smile fades as he witnesses your descent through The Five Stages of Grief, all of which occur in dramatic flair with your knees still touching opposite coastlines.

Denial. “I think you have the wrong file. I just delivered a baby. A human. See, that’s her right there. That was inside of my body until she tore her way through it, like a goddamn Trojan Horse. Are you certain you went to medical school?”

Anger. “Why did you ask me here? I was told by a woman I work with that you were going to give me happy pills at this appointment, not tell me I need to be having sex with… (unsubtle head tilt in partner’s direction). And I would like my underwear back now.”

Bargaining. “Listen, I may have overreacted. Let’s find some middle ground. You pop a couple of those episiotomy stitches down there and I’ll tell all of my friends with yeast infections to come see you. Deal?”

Depression. The utterance of words during the passage through this phase ceases altogether as you consider that the only moments your day permits for a shower and a status update on Facebook have been stolen.

Acceptance. You nod slowly, shifting your eyes from the doctor, to the baby, to your husband, understanding that all are working in chorus to destroy your personal anatomy and your DVR queue.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

You exit the physician’s office, quite possibly still wearing the oversized Maxi pads you absconded with from the hospital, with a slow and wearied gate. Dead Vagina Walking. Your husband, on the other hand, has a buoyancy to his step and is already suggestively whistling something by Marvin Gaye.

This is when the calendar floats into your consciousness again. Whatever day this six week postpartum check falls on – a Tuesday, a Friday, May, December – is the day that will be listed on your tombstone. This is the day you’re going to die. Your friends and family will eulogize your life with somber nods, “She endured too much. Sleeplessness, poor oral hygiene, elasticized waistbands, a diet of fistfuls of cereal. Despite this, her doctor told her she was ready for exercise and sex. It was too much to bear.”

Too much is exactly what it is. A nurse once whispered in my ear, upon walking out the door with my firstborn child, to be wary of the six week post-delivery time as this is the period babies present colic, when postpartum depression rears its vicious head, and – tragically – when the help and casseroles from those around you disappear. The weight of these stressors only compounds when your husband starts in with the bedroom eyes. It’s not that you don’t appreciate those eyes. May God grant Sainthood to the man who can see beyond the facade of sagging skin and stretch marks to the woman he was attracted to once before. It’s not that you don’t love your husband. It has very little to do with him actually. Your body has been hijacked by hormones, your erogenous zones assassinated by nursing, and your ability to lay prone in the dark without falling comatose has been lost. And you’re a bit terrified because your lady innards still feel a lot like Hiroshima must have looked after the A-bomb.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

However, he will start dry humping your leg like an un-neutered Jack Russell Terrier if you continue to cite ‘funky stuff you don’t want to even know about down there’ as your reason for celibacy. He will start to suspect you’re stretching the truth when you say you’re considering a Divine calling to join a Roman convent. Even you understand, with the small portion of brain matter you’ve got left, that reuniting may make you begin to feel more like your old self. You’ve weathered pregnancy and delivery together without any casualties, thus there must be hope for the same outcome in the bedroom. After all, isn’t marriage about compromise and leaps of faith?

But it’s completely fair to say you’re not taking your sweatpants off.

Related post: New Mom Misery

About the writer

Erin writes the website I'm Gonna Kill Him, a humor place about marriage and husbands and life after family. She is a mother of three and has recently moved to the very bizarre state of Maine. Between her husband, her children, and the weirdness of Mainers, she has a lot of fodder. She also tweets as @gonnnakillhim.


Lauren 2 months ago

I wish I had this problem. After conceiving our son, my husband didn’t touch me for two years.

RoyalBird 2 months ago

Another issue that people have conflicting views on. It takes me a long time to heal after giving birth. I was still bleeding well into two months. In case you can’t do math, that’s about 9 weeks. And despite breastfeeding, I still get my period within the first four months. It takes me two weeks usually just to be able to walk normally again. I have vaginal deliveries too. With two of my babies, I had postpartum hemorrhaging six weeks after the baby was born. Everyone is different. In all honesty, I’ve had good sex, but sex is also something I could live without and it wouldn’t leave a gaping hole in my life. So postponing it after babies as long as possible, until I really feel ready, is fine with me. With my husband, not so much, and we are still working on that aspect of our marriage.

Jean 3 months ago

Hysterical! Even though I am 64, I still remember that visit and being scared to death of having sex again. Of course, there was my husband with flowers and champagne. I guess we survived.

PNW Jenn 3 months ago

My crotch reeked like a grocery store meat counter for a month. At the dog park an overly curious dog shoved her nose in my lady parts, prompting me to tell her horrified owner that I’d just had a baby “and probably smelled really interesting.” Poor woman practically ran for the hills.

I didn’t want anyone near my crotch for any reason. Besides, my sexual appetite was ravenous while I was pregnant. My husband had his chance!

Emma 8 months ago

This made me laugh so much I nearly peed my granny pants. But that’s partly because I am yet to regain full control of my bladder…. That’s for the giggles lady!

Shari Long Romero 8 months ago

I love your website and blogs. I have to say, however, you should seriously consider a certified nurse-midwife:) The humor will still be there, but the understanding and empathy will be exponentially greater! I have shared some of your writings on my Facebook page, and my midwifery peers along with my friends and family have enjoyed them immensely. I have four kids myself and have just celebrated the one year anniversary that marks my official start of menopause. Thanks for great insight and sharing most everyone’s perspective!

Captain Optimist 8 months ago

Just because you CAN have sex again doesn’t mean you have to. This post weirded me out just a bit, like you get pressured to have sex when you don’t want to. I hope that’s not the case. I hope your husband respects you enough to wait until you’re ready.

Getting clearance to have sex at 6 weeks doesn’t mean you’re required to go right home and do it.

Sex, even in marriage, requires consent from both partners. Actual consent, not begrudging acceptance.

Kelly 9 months ago

I loved every second of sex with my hubby; and, we got intimate before six weeks: when my lochia ended. I’m so sorry you felt this way.

Ginger 11 months ago

I was in tears from laughing by the time I finished reading this! Of course I expected it to take years of therapy & Prozac to get over how traumatizing hearing “you can have sex now” at my post-baby check up was. Especially since I had an episiotomy big enough to make the Grand Canyon look like a small ditch. At least virginity pain is a one & done. I was convinced my vagina was getting revenge for labor…. “You know that sex you had to create the baby? Yeah, you’re about to be punished for it. A lot.”

Smith Jennifer 11 months ago

We got pregnant again after my 6 week check up.

Amy Miller 12 months ago

Definitely funny

Dorothy Kusztyb-Kirtley 12 months ago

This is funny

Jenn Cudney-Lopez 12 months ago

I couldn’t (and didn’t) wait passed 4 weeks

Tanya Powers 12 months ago

I never even had this appt and I had sex 3 weeks after I had my c section. Everyone is different and our bodies all respond differently.

Holly Walton 12 months ago

Can’t say I agree with this one at all. I had my daughter naturally, had an episiotomy, AND the doctor had to remove the placenta by hand (they knocked me out, but my husband was there, and he won’t talk about it). I got pretty well obliterated.

I made it to almost 4 weeks until I told my husband “I’d kill for a condom.” He had told me from the get-go that he would wait on me to say when I was ready, and he did. When I said the word, I don’t think he’d ever driven (to the store) so fast in his life.

I got “The Glare” from my doctor at that appointment. But it was worth it. 😉

Brittany McCann 12 months ago


Brittany McCann 12 months ago

Very funny… This was munge and my Hubby’s 4th so he was ready after about a week… I felt almost like a had to beat him off of me with a stick!!! Lol

Emily Therese Glatczak 12 months ago

I skipped those appointment.

Vanessa Erin Martinez 12 months ago


Jenifer Hernandez 12 months ago

I went alone and told the dr. “Ill just pretend you said ten… possibly twelve weeks. ” she laughed. Me deadpan, “yeah thats right.” Uncomfortable laugh from her and the trainee. If im uncomfortable everyone will be uncomfortable.

Angela Welch Courteau 12 months ago

That happened to me…. Twice… TWICE!!!!!!!

Angela Welch Courteau 12 months ago

And then 3 days after that check up you sex of up and find out you are preggo once again!!!!! Then you look up to the sky and say….wtf!!!! Really!!! Awww come one!!! I JUST …just effin survived this!!!!

Stephanie Werner 12 months ago


Laura Marie Didricksen 12 months ago

I had 5 kids and never failed , while I was expecting was when I want it the most sex. I never stop having sex.

Lori Yemm 12 months ago

Too true . lol

Marissa Peterson 12 months ago

It all should be when YOU are ready. Being medically cleared just means you won’t get infection, not it’ll all be just fine and will be awesome any easy. Love the title though. :)

tiffany 12 months ago

I can totally relate at a little over a year after giving birth to our second. Seriously…what is with men and knowing you can no longer use that as a cop out?

Lesli Metcalf LaDuke 12 months ago

I only waited 5 weeks. I couldnt hold out anymore and it was fine. I had our son all natural and did have some stitches. Glad I healed up so well! I must have been quite lucky!

Leandra D. Turner 12 months ago

I had sex two weeks pp from a c-section with all my babies lol

Tara Duranceau Mayle 12 months ago

Lol. Not true for me. I had a c section and i was the one who felt great and resumed 2 weeks after having her 😉

Sarah Day 12 months ago

This cracked me up! I joked with my OBGYN that I’m more afraid now than the first time ever. He said, “thats because she came out of you.” We got a lot of good laughs!

Kelly Allison 12 months ago

I could have easily put a chastity belt on for a few months after because that episiotomy scarred me for life (mentally and physically). My husband was so understanding and helpful through the entire pregnancy and postpartum that making him wait felt unjust. We started the day of my six week appt once I got approval.

Sarah Elizabeth Bussell 12 months ago

With my first born I didn’t even wanna think about sex.. I now have a 5 week old baby and I can’t wait for my husband to come home from work.. He works in the oilfield and will be home next week… My dr told me I may not feel like doing it for another month or so… I didn’t tell him we actually did 2 days before my appointment!

Anna Hart 12 months ago

This makes me cringe and almost cry in pain to read.

Tara McMahon Bonewitz 12 months ago

Usually these articles/blogs make me giggle a little to myself this one literally made me laugh out loud…more than once! Too funny thanks for the bright spot in my morning!

Renea Rucker Poole 12 months ago

When i had my first child, I thought it all was perfect.My waterbroke the night before my due date and he was born on his due date w/ no drugs. Then 5 weeks after I noticed something wrong with my stomach, I had a gauze left inside me that they don’t remember using :/ I asked to have it removed from a different doctor.. so my 6 weeks check up was horrifying !!

Sarah Jane Owens 12 months ago

Ok. Second post I’ve read this morning and I can’t take it! PRONE means to lie FACE DOWN! SUPINE means to lie on one’s BACK!

    Danielle Bennett 12 months ago

    I feel your pain.

    Rose Marie Bogaard 12 months ago

    After being in the Navy and being prone for rifle quals, I was a little thrown off, myself.

Candace Ortiz 12 months ago

Very well written. A truthful and funny read this morning. Thanks for sharing!

Karen 12 months ago

Let me preface this with, I am not a mother. As such I admit that I have no idea about the experiences of giving birth and the time after. I found this article because a friend that does have children linked it on facebook and the title was amusing. I thought the article was very amusing, I am sure it was meant to be lighthearted, but a small niggle of annoyance on your behalf just won’t go away.

I know that 6 weeks (plus any time before the birth) can be a long time for couples to go without. But the 6 week appointment and the permission the doctor gives you to resume activities shouldn’t create these kind of feelings, even jokingly. Intimacy should ALWAYS be when BOTH partners are up for it – physically and emotionally. A woman’s husband, her partner, should be willing to accept if she is not ready, even if she has the doctors ok, and agree without any sort of emotional (or physical) manipulation. And if they can’t then maybe a long conversation, with or without a therapist or counselor, is in order.

Even without having children my husband and I have gone stretches of up to a 1-3 months without sex because due to time restraints and stress (me:full time job, full time school, 4.0 gpa, him: 40-50 hours working in IT and independent studying for his next certification). I have had to tell him that I love him but I am not in a mental/energy place to want or enjoy sex and can we cuddle and watch netflix instead because that’s what I needed to not fall apart. And, similarly, there have been times he has told me he is not up for it- given, they happen a lot less often. So I have practiced what I preach, so to say.

I know that this reaction of mine is extreme. And in many cases the women might have anything against resuming activities other then sheer tiredness, in that case, they should do as they feel is right. But the underlying tone of the post just put my guard up.

Beth Laf 12 months ago

Relax ladies this is a humor site. As a mom of 7 I can say I have had every single one of these reactions on that checkup

Hannah Pemberton 12 months ago

I find this really offensive. Men are not mindless nymphos who will hump your leg. This makes sex sound like a chore and torture; maybe he just craves connecting to his wife!

Sandra Kreiner 12 months ago

I’m pregnant with baby number 3 right now, my fiancé and I are getting married 6 weeks after this baby is due, I’m hoping I get the clearance from my doctor for our wedding night lol if not tho, I’m sure he’ll understand….

Laurie Griffis 12 months ago

Today is my 6 week check up and this is right on

Wendy Stone 12 months ago

Lmao!! This is funny! I had my 2nd child (9 mos ago) and I don’t think we resumed for 12-16 weeks! It was rare & painful… This is coming from me… A person with healthy, sexual appetite. Was I upset that there was pain? Yes!! I waited 12-16 weeks because there was just TOOmuch pain. I gave my ob/gyn the death stare at 6 weeks because she confirmed “still swollen but you’ll be ok to resume”! Uh… No.

My first child?… I was ready to go before the end of week 2…

Irene Canela Ruiz 12 months ago


Jean Cochran Kelosky 12 months ago

Am I the only one whose husband said he didn’t care what the doctor thought, he cared what I wanted? He didn’t pressure me at all.

Heidi Libetti-O’Connor 12 months ago


Bridgette Rixman 12 months ago

Well said….my OB a female…I’m sure she wrote a Dr excuse for herself…at least for 12 weeks!!!! I was completely appalled when she declared me “Fit for Duty”….I’m in physical therapy 8 hours a week, my pelvic bone is off track cause my cervix is stuck in between and my uterus is falling out….oh yeah, go in ahead and resume the very act that put you in this position…LOL

Stacie Tobey 12 months ago


Kylie Hart 12 months ago

All these women saying they had sex a few days-a few weeks after (before 6 weeks)…how!?!? Did you not bleed afterward!? Because I’m pretty sure with both my kids it was like the heaviest, weirdest smelling period of my life and there’s no way I was letting/he would be willing to get all up in my business while that was happening!

Amanda Ewer Boughner 12 months ago

Too funny!

Chardelle Renee Jackson 12 months ago

Am I the only one who was pressuring HIM not to wait the 6 whole weeks? I couldn’t wait to have sex again. And postpartum dryness isn’t anything a little lube won’t fix!

Tina Whyte 12 months ago

Call me crazy but I didn’t go in for this 6 week check up after my 2nd child… I had no tearing or ripping during his birth. Everything felt normal to me and the child’s father so we carried on! I dunno if I’ll go to a postpartum check up after this delivery either. Unless there is tearing or a complication….

Gwen Debler 12 months ago

Idk I was looking forward to the A-OK as much as my hubby, isn’t that normal?!

Linda Jayne Spray 12 months ago

I didn’t know they checked your bits! I can’t figure out if this is because I had all c-sections, or more likely they don’t do it in England.

Sophia Rosina Luna 12 months ago

Although hubby and I had a great time exploring other ways to feel sexually close, I must say that we waited only 3 weeks and even that was hard for me. When it finally happened it was amazing from all the waiting though lol!!!

Laurie Braslins 12 months ago

I’m a csection mom with a family doctor. we know my cervix is defective so they never look :)

Megan Richardson 12 months ago

Hilarious writer.

Jana Kline Fligor 12 months ago


Heather C Lind 12 months ago

I am soooo happy I had 2 c-sections!

Momma Artist 12 months ago

I did not expect to feel so horny after giving birth! I think I read it has something to do with breastfeeding releasing the same hormones as foreplay/sex. We were lucky to get a few moments, maybe once a week where we could *do something*, but only something for my husband. There was absolutely NO way anyone was touching me anywhere near my nether regions – it was so strange though, I would be super horny (and it was torture). After the 6 week “okay” I was still very scared and we had to take it super slow & gentile. After each time I needed a good week to recover and feel ready to have sex again – but still enjoyed it each time and was able to orgasm.

Kristy Paukstis Stroup 12 months ago

No, not at all.

Sarah Owen Glazier 12 months ago

My OB also commented that I didn’t scar. I was like “Oh that’s good because I was worried about PRETTY”.

Lisa Allen 12 months ago

Bahahahaha… that’s to funny

Vanessa Muro 12 months ago

Lol. How true

Melanie Hendrickson 12 months ago

It took me about 4 months before I allowed my husband to touch me. And another 2 until we had sex again.

Gillian Nicole 12 months ago

I needed 6 months … Ugh

Kim Houter 12 months ago

I have the best Hubbie he waits until i’m ready :) Now counting 10 months, but still laying next to me every evening :) with the first we waited a year because i had 26 stitches :0

Sharon Dickerhoff-Graevell 12 months ago


Susan Bauer Kutterer 12 months ago

Lmao. Ok. Been 26 yrs since my last delivery but can still relate.

Kerry Bowers 12 months ago


Heidi Sells Bettler 12 months ago

Good laugh

Claire Culshaw 12 months ago

Laughed sooo much at this…

Rosie Pandie 12 months ago

This applies to women who had c sections, too!

Carol Ann Flythe 12 months ago

I had an episiotomy and my junk hurt for 5 weeks. I told hubby I wanted to try it but I needed him to go slow. It wasn’t the best but wasn’t painful like I thought it’d be. I’m just amazed he still found me desirable after watching my son come out of me

Chrissy Stavig Just 12 months ago

Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!

Chanda S Healton 12 months ago

We couldn’t wait, but I had a very well behaved baby via C-section. I think we barely made it two weeks. Because I had such a hard time getting pregnant (took us 16 years to finally make it happen) we were hoping for a second right away. Didn’t happen. She is an only child 3 years later and most likely staying that way. Nothing to fear and it can be a good stress reliever. I must say those first few weeks torturing ourselves waiting were pretty good, maybe the best it had ever been. Now 6 weeks is nothing, sometimes we go 12 weeks in between

Oz mumma 12 months ago

I’ve had four babies and down here in Australia we generally see our gp at the 6 week check, I’ve not had an exam at a 6week checkup EVER, and I had already resumed bedroom gymnastics about 2weeks after each… Having said that I didn’t require stitches after birth so maybe I’m just lucky?

Randi Trivitt Grant 12 months ago

Scary accurate

Sara Montonati 12 months ago

Ha! Love this.

Courtney Gautier 12 months ago

My vag got cut from hole to hole. 6 weeks was the LEAST I needed to heal. As far as my hubby’s feelings? Don’t give a shit- I’m the one who pushed 9.5 lbs out of my vagina. Guess who can wait for sex? THAT GUY.

Kerstie 12 months ago

I guess having a c-section makes it different for me plus I was only 19 when I had my son. My husband and I were both ready at 6 weeks but we also had sex the day I went into labor so I guess I’m an odd ball. I’m guess natural child birth makes you not want to have sex anymore. I’m happy I had a c section specially since my son was over 10 pounds.

Erin SpicyVendetta Picou 12 months ago

Bless yalls hearts that had vagi delivery.

Courtney Gautier 12 months ago

I say- continue to wear the maxi pads- I’ve yet to meet a man who can handle that.

Pooja Rathore 12 months ago

Amazing post!

Jennifer Joyce Offenbach 12 months ago

The longest I waited after 4 kids was 2 weeks. I was really excited to have my body back and to have non pregnant sex. Very liberating.

Jennifer Joyce Offenbach 12 months ago

England you can have at it when ever you feel ready. They like you to have had a go by your six week check so that they can identify any potential problems.

Tami 12 months ago

My oldest is 17, and I’m still waiting for any sexual desire to come back. We’ve had 2 more kids, but in my mind it was more of a baby-making chore than anything else. I know that sounds terrible… It is what it is.

Sarah Bittorf 12 months ago

Lmao too funny

Emma Jayne Goodman 12 months ago

Really ? I had sex two days after my son was born wasn’t a big issue to me.

Clare Spencer 12 months ago

You all crack me up

Ross Monica Busker-Johnson 12 months ago

OMGoodness!!! Love it!!!

Gina Roberge 12 months ago

Sex was a breeze at 6 weeks. 2.5 years later I don’t have the energy for it.


Enjoying this? Then like us on Facebook

Introducing Discover & SAVE: --
NEW Scary Mommy Holiday Program.
Tap to learn more. Click here to learn more.