Dear Expectant Mother

124 Comments

Dear Expectant First Time Mother,

You look so sweet, all well-rested and eager! I’ll bet you’ve registered for every fancy gizmo and gadget out there for your soon-to-be arriving little bundle of joy. The baby monitor is all set up and the bottle nipples have been sterilized twice. Your hospital bag sits by the door and you are counting down the days until you sit in your newly purchased glider with a fresh baby in your arms.

You’ve no doubt heard an abundance of advice from every person you’ve crossed paths with since you announced your pregnancy, and the advice has only just began. I suggest you don’t listen to any of it at all. Except the advice I offer, of course. And my advice today is simple: Don’t be a hero. Milk the remainder of your pregnancy and milk your delivery. It’s the end of an era.

The last few weeks of your pregnancy represent the last time in your life when your world revolves around you. People dash to the phone when they see your number on the caller ID. Your husband doesn’t get annoyed if you call him during a business meeting. The food cravings you’ve had your whole life are suddenly acceptable and people will make every effort to meet them. Strangers hold doors for you and give you seats and sympathetic glaces. Enjoy them!

Once you are a mother, nobody takes care of you. Mothers don’t get sick days and mothers don’t get sympathy; we’re too busy taking care of everybody else. This is it. This is the end of your time to wallow and whine and expect anyone to give a shit. And, they will give a shit, because you’re having a baby! Prop your feet up, demand that they be rubbed and ask for a cup of tea. Set a timer, even. Go, baby-daddy, go!

If you plan on getting an epidural (which I highly recommend, unless having your vagina ripped apart is your idea of a good time,) and are lucky enough to experience a pain-free birth, lie. There is simply no reason for your husband to know just how void of agony the whole experience has been. You lose major bargaining points if, in the future, you can’t reference just how horrid delivering his child was. When I roll my eyes at my husband’s complaints over a cold and scream, “BUT I BIRTHED THREE BABIES!!!” he can turn around and retort, but you were in no pain! You had the best drugs of your life! You loved delivering them! And, he’s right. But, goddamnit, he shouldn’t know that.

If you have a natural birth (God love you,) or a C-section, milk that recovery. There is time to be a hero, but this isn’t it. Stay in the hospital until they kick you out; it’s a pleasure cruise compared to what’s waiting for you at home. The next breakfast in bed you dine on will be lovingly prepared by your children and completely inedible. Your husband can fetch you some fresh squeezed orange juice and a muffin. Make him. Watch lots of TV, read a book, talk on the phone. Most of all, just lie back in bed, cuddle your baby and make the world come to you. You deserve it.

Motherhood ain’t easy, so make this brief period of time as enjoyable as you can. You’ll never regret it.

Best of Luck,

Scary Mommy

Comments

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  1. 3

    Xander's Mommy says

    This is soooo funny and sooo true. I had a C-section and there was no time to milk it. My “monster-in-law, walked in my door the day I got home from the hospital and handed me a pot roast to put in the oven and a box of instant mashed potatoes (blech) for her son since he “might be hungry”. I couldn’t serve boxed mashed potatoes so I wound up making real ones and having to clean up and do dishes for 8 people… So that was my wake up call to motherhood..

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    • 4

      MamaBennie says

      Wow, your mother-in-law sucks. Mine offered to come make me food after natural child birth, but I politely declined because she is a horrendous cook. No doubt the food would have been inedible. I also can’t stand her…she makes me feel a bit stabby. In the case I had your MIL, I probably would have stabbed her with the meat fork for the pot roast and been in jail.

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      • 5

        Kim Murphy-Kovalick says

        My in-laws showed up at the hospital while I was in labor. We don’t have one of those close and loving relationships like some people. It’s more like the hissing-mean-things-in-your-ear-when-others-aren’t-listening type of relationship. Why, then, bother to come to the hospital when they didn’t stand a snowball’s chance of being admitted to the labor room? My MIL brought soup for my husband. Somebody had to make sure he was fed.
        Kim

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      • 6

        graciewaci says

        ROFL omg that is halarious i love your comment “she offered but i politely declined because she is a horrendous cook” i laughed out loud on that one for sure because my mother-in-law is the same! She gets an “A” for effort, but bleech for food taste.

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    • 8

      Amanda @ High Impact Mom says

      Ladies, Is this a pre-requisite for mother’s of sons? My mother-in-law is the bane of my existence….I’m just waiting for the time when I can take it out on one of my future son-in-laws. ;-)

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      • 9

        Scary Mommy says

        I am setting my future daughter-in-laws up for so much failure the way I dote on my boys. I literally clapped when my youngest woke up this morning. It’s only down-hill from here.

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      • 10

        Kimberly Huber says

        I am so afraid that someday I will have a daughter-in-law that talks about me the way I talk about my MIL- but that doesn’t stop me from bitching about her!

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      • 11

        says

        Thank you Jayme again you captured the beuaty of my precious grandson Aden and my beautiful daughter. You did the same with my granddaughter Aza and my other grandson Elijah and their mother also my daughter. You have such a great talent. I am a very proud Gramma Thank you.

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      • 12

        says

        Jayme- I always knew Emily’s fmaliy was beautiful inside and out, but these picture make that even more apparent. Beautiful especially the way you could capture moments with the boys, when anyone else who has tried to take their picture knows that can be difficult!! Amazing, simply amazing!!

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    • 13

      Coconuts says

      I had to pop a percocet and get up and cook for my in laws 2 days after a C section. I needed to eat because I was nursing and my husband felt like he could stay at the office because his parents were there to help. The last straw was when my MIL set the ironing board up in my foyer because she likes to “Arn” in the light (spelling intended for the inflection) Let’s just put a car up on blocks and a couch on the porch next time.

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      • 15

        says

        Oh I remember those feelnigs so well! I cried a number of times that week leading up to my induction, including the morning of. I felt like I was mourning a very sweet and simple time in my life with just my little guy. And I had no idea how to give of myself so completely to two little people. I have to say though, as soon as Sadie was born all those feelnigs disappeared. In the first few months she basically just slept all the time and I was amazed at all the time I was still able to have with just Max. And now almost a year later they truly are the best of friends. They bring a kind of joy and laughter into each other’s lives that neither Ben nor I could ever fill. It is amazing and I’m so in love with having TWO! Good luck

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  2. 19

    LZ says

    I stayed 3 days with each of the girls (yay night births!) and never quite got the, “I want to go home now’ mentality. Especially with #2. I thought of begging for a 4th night.

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      • 21

        says

        Absolutely Stunning!! She really is a beaufitul baby. We are so happy for you both and may little Daniella bring so much joy and laughter into your lives.Can’t wait to see her again!!With lots of love,Rafiekies

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      • 22

        says

        Hey very nice blog!! Guy .. Excellent .. Superb .. I’ll bookmark your web site and take the feeds adlndioialty?I’m happy to search out a lot of useful information right here in the post, we want develop extra strategies in this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

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  3. 23

    From Belgium says

    I have very fond memories of my blissfull ignorance during my first pregnancy. Best time of my life actually…
    Although the rememberance of the nearly fainting husband at my first (natural) and second (epudiral) delivery are always good to put the smile back on my face…

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  4. 25

    Moomser says

    I wish I had read this before my first baby! Although I would just like to really stress the point that none of this will happen after the first pregnancy… First pregnancies are magical! After that… no one gives a sh*t anymore.

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