Dear Expectant Mother


Dear Expectant First Time Mother,

You look so sweet, all well-rested and eager! I’ll bet you’ve registered for every fancy gizmo and gadget out there for your soon-to-be arriving little bundle of joy. The baby monitor is all set up and the bottle nipples have been sterilized twice. Your hospital bag sits by the door and you are counting down the days until you sit in your newly purchased glider with a fresh baby in your arms.

You’ve no doubt heard an abundance of advice from every person you’ve crossed paths with since you announced your pregnancy, and the advice has only just began. I suggest you don’t listen to any of it at all. Except the advice I offer, of course. And my advice today is simple: Don’t be a hero. Milk the remainder of your pregnancy and milk your delivery. It’s the end of an era.

The last few weeks of your pregnancy represent the last time in your life when your world revolves around you. People dash to the phone when they see your number on the caller ID. Your husband doesn’t get annoyed if you call him during a business meeting. The food cravings you’ve had your whole life are suddenly acceptable and people will make every effort to meet them. Strangers hold doors for you and give you seats and sympathetic glaces. Enjoy them!

Once you are a mother, nobody takes care of you. Mothers don’t get sick days and mothers don’t get sympathy; we’re too busy taking care of everybody else. This is it. This is the end of your time to wallow and whine and expect anyone to give a shit. And, they will give a shit, because you’re having a baby! Prop your feet up, demand that they be rubbed and ask for a cup of tea. Set a timer, even. Go, baby-daddy, go!

If you plan on getting an epidural (which I highly recommend, unless having your vagina ripped apart is your idea of a good time,) and are lucky enough to experience a pain-free birth, lie. There is simply no reason for your husband to know just how void of agony the whole experience has been. You lose major bargaining points if, in the future, you can’t reference just how horrid delivering his child was. When I roll my eyes at my husband’s complaints over a cold and scream, “BUT I BIRTHED THREE BABIES!!!” he can turn around and retort, but you were in no pain! You had the best drugs of your life! You loved delivering them! And, he’s right. But, goddamnit, he shouldn’t know that.

If you have a natural birth (God love you,) or a C-section, milk that recovery. There is time to be a hero, but this isn’t it. Stay in the hospital until they kick you out; it’s a pleasure cruise compared to what’s waiting for you at home. The next breakfast in bed you dine on will be lovingly prepared by your children and completely inedible. Your husband can fetch you some fresh squeezed orange juice and a muffin. Make him. Watch lots of TV, read a book, talk on the phone. Most of all, just lie back in bed, cuddle your baby and make the world come to you. You deserve it.

Motherhood ain’t easy, so make this brief period of time as enjoyable as you can. You’ll never regret it.

Best of Luck,

Scary Mommy


  1. 3

    Xander's Mommy says

    This is soooo funny and sooo true. I had a C-section and there was no time to milk it. My “monster-in-law, walked in my door the day I got home from the hospital and handed me a pot roast to put in the oven and a box of instant mashed potatoes (blech) for her son since he “might be hungry”. I couldn’t serve boxed mashed potatoes so I wound up making real ones and having to clean up and do dishes for 8 people… So that was my wake up call to motherhood..

    • 4

      MamaBennie says

      Wow, your mother-in-law sucks. Mine offered to come make me food after natural child birth, but I politely declined because she is a horrendous cook. No doubt the food would have been inedible. I also can’t stand her…she makes me feel a bit stabby. In the case I had your MIL, I probably would have stabbed her with the meat fork for the pot roast and been in jail.

      • 5

        Kim Murphy-Kovalick says

        My in-laws showed up at the hospital while I was in labor. We don’t have one of those close and loving relationships like some people. It’s more like the hissing-mean-things-in-your-ear-when-others-aren’t-listening type of relationship. Why, then, bother to come to the hospital when they didn’t stand a snowball’s chance of being admitted to the labor room? My MIL brought soup for my husband. Somebody had to make sure he was fed.

      • 6

        graciewaci says

        ROFL omg that is halarious i love your comment “she offered but i politely declined because she is a horrendous cook” i laughed out loud on that one for sure because my mother-in-law is the same! She gets an “A” for effort, but bleech for food taste.

      • 7

        Candy says

        Just blame stabbing her on PPD. You’ll get happy pills :D
        I wish I had read something like this before my son was born
        Blessed Be

    • 8

      Amanda @ High Impact Mom says

      Ladies, Is this a pre-requisite for mother’s of sons? My mother-in-law is the bane of my existence….I’m just waiting for the time when I can take it out on one of my future son-in-laws. ;-)

      • 9

        Scary Mommy says

        I am setting my future daughter-in-laws up for so much failure the way I dote on my boys. I literally clapped when my youngest woke up this morning. It’s only down-hill from here.

      • 10

        Kimberly Huber says

        I am so afraid that someday I will have a daughter-in-law that talks about me the way I talk about my MIL- but that doesn’t stop me from bitching about her!

    • 11

      Coconuts says

      I had to pop a percocet and get up and cook for my in laws 2 days after a C section. I needed to eat because I was nursing and my husband felt like he could stay at the office because his parents were there to help. The last straw was when my MIL set the ironing board up in my foyer because she likes to “Arn” in the light (spelling intended for the inflection) Let’s just put a car up on blocks and a couch on the porch next time.

  2. 15

    LZ says

    I stayed 3 days with each of the girls (yay night births!) and never quite got the, “I want to go home now’ mentality. Especially with #2. I thought of begging for a 4th night.

    • 16

      Scary Mommy says

      I was so anxious to go home with Lily. With the others, they had to kick me out. I knew what was waiting once I got there!

  3. 17

    From Belgium says

    I have very fond memories of my blissfull ignorance during my first pregnancy. Best time of my life actually…
    Although the rememberance of the nearly fainting husband at my first (natural) and second (epudiral) delivery are always good to put the smile back on my face…

  4. 19

    Moomser says

    I wish I had read this before my first baby! Although I would just like to really stress the point that none of this will happen after the first pregnancy… First pregnancies are magical! After that… no one gives a sh*t anymore.

    • 20

      Scary Mommy says

      Oh, absolutely. And it’s just so tragic that by the time you learn this stuff, it’s meaningless. Such a cruel part of life.

  5. 22

    Jessica says

    This is SO the truth, you just put into words why I miss being pregnant but ONLY have fond memories of my first pregnancy.

  6. 23

    Janetanthea says

    Yes, that first pregnancy was sweet (except for the constant vomiting that I was too scared to take anything for!). I agree with your humorous perspective on pregnancy cravings!

    • 24

      Scary Mommy says

      Right? I crave things every day of my life and don’t give into them. That’s my favorite part of pregnancy. And, also the reason I gained 60 pounds each time.

      • 27

        Lessons in Life and Light says

        (Having issues being able to properly work my computer today, lol. Sorry if I’m duplicate commenting!)

        What I basically said was that I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Jill that I’m with Brooke on this one. The whole hospital “tour” scares the freakin’ bujeezus out of me. And keep that fucking needle away from my spine!

        That said, the good thing here is that we’re all fully capable of making our own decisions here. There’s no “right” way–just what’s right for YOU.

    • 30

      Lessons in Life and Light says

      I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Jill, but I’m with Brooke on this one, lol. The whole hospital “tour” scares the freakin’ bujeezus out of me. And keep that fucking needle away from my spine!

      However, the wonderful thing here is that we are all fully capable of making choices that are best for each of us. There’s no right way–just the right way for YOU :)

      • 32

        GG says

        I love it…. whenever I mention that I MIGHT want an elective c-section I get jumped on by the mommy brigade with their judgy looks. As long as the baby gets out safe and sound, what do they care!!!!!

        • 33

          BabyBumpBeyond Heather says

          GG- Thanks! Working in the “baby industry”, I have to listen to a LOT of stuff about “unnecessary c-sections” and how women need to be empowered to do it all natural and with a doula or midwife and doctors are evil etc.
          To me, being able to make a choice- whatever it is, natural/epidural/c-section etc, IS empowering!

          I’ve worked very hard at not blowing up at these “professionals” when they talk about how terrible c-sections are and when I read article titles like “surviving a c-section”.

          I think that it’s a woman’s body and she should be able to choose. Everyone who is against c-sections gets stuck on the recovery time- I was totally pain free and back to “normal” within a week, a friend of mine took 6 months to heal from her vaginal birth.
          To clarify- I’m not against vaginal births in general, it’s just not for me.

  7. 35

    tracy says

    All true! And don’t forget to NAP NOW. once that beautiful baby comes sleep is a thing of the past. All that “Nap when the baby naps” never happens.

    Next post on advice for first time moms of toddlers, please! Share your sage hindsight on that topic and I’ll be most greatful! ;)

  8. 37

    Amanda @ High Impact Mom says

    Oh hell…who are we kidding?! You are SO right! Enjoy it ladies!! This is the last time you’ll be the center of attention until you’re laying on your deathbed…and that’s only because those kids you birthed and then selflessly raised want to know what they’re getting in your will!

    Nicely done my dear!

  9. 38

    Lindsay says

    And don’t forget that you will no longer exist after the baby is born. People will forget you are even in the room. And you are officially known as “so-and-so’s mother.”

  10. 40

    Alicia says

    Wow! I am a first time mommy to be, due in July! Thank you for writing this letter. Seriously. I plan on printing a copy and keeping it with me at all times. What other REAL advice do you have? Write a part 2. No one talks about this. I don’t understand.
    Seriously though, write another part! I loved it!

    • 43

      Coconuts says

      Go in bald. I mean it. Take it all off. Don’t listen to the lies from anyone saying “most Dr.s don’t make you shave.” If you end up having an unplanned C Section you are going to get a nurse with a Bic razor and some KY Jelly. It itches like hell when it grows back. You are much better off doing it yourself.

      • 44

        2byC says

        Whoa…hold on a moment, they still shave down there…? I had two sections and I kept all my pubies, thank you very much. Didn’t realize they still did that. Man, I’m grateful to my OBGN…maybe I should send her flowers (4 years later)….that I didn’t have to go through leaky boobs, hemmherroids and an itchy mound.

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