Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website…

109 Comments

It goes without saying that I, along with my contributors, love our children with all of our hearts.

We beam with pride over their accomplishments and weep with grief over their heartbreaks. We want nothing more in life than for them to be happy, and are changed women because of them.

There are thousands of websites where you can read beautiful and poignant posts about that love day after day after day. Occasionally, you can even find them here. But more often that not? We need to vent about the other stuff. The not so beautiful parts of motherhood.

Calling another mother selfish, questioning her love and devotion for her children or referring to her post as garbage might be acceptable on other sites, but it’s not here.

Congratulations for wanting to spend the entire summer with your children. That is wonderful for you, but that doesn’t mean we all should be giddy about the prospect of three months with ours.

There isn’t one way to mother. Very little in life is one size fits all, black and white. We all, whether you admit it or not, have moments we aren’t proud of, and the last thing we need to is be judged for them.

Not here.

Comments

  1. 1

    Ilikebeerandbabies.com says

    As my father in law always says: that is why they make cars in different colors. Same applies to motherhood. Be nice or be quiet. Like us moms need one more reason to doubt ourselves.

      • 4

        tanstaafl2 says

        Useless trivia tidbit #1 Henry Ford is (in)famous for saying, “You can have a car in any color you want – as long as it’s black”

        Useless trivia tidbit #2 One of the biggest non-Ford carmakers got it’s start specifically to sell cars to consumers who DID want a car in a color other than black.

  2. 5

    Ariana says

    Judgy, mean spirited bullcrap like that has no room on a website meant to make us laugh, think, and find support.

  3. 6

    Michelle Villemaire says

    The only reason I’m not complaining about spending summer with my kids is because A CAMP DAY IS LONGER THAN A SCHOOL DAY! Woo-hoo!!!

  4. 9

    Roe says

    THANK YOU!! Completely agree and have thought this many times as I read the mean-spirited, judgey comments some leave here. So glad you said this…again.

  5. 10

    Helen says

    We really need a <3 button on the blog page: we <3 you Jill Smokler for tellin' like it REALLY is!

  6. 12

    Heather says

    WTH??? It’s not judgy to unfriend chipper moms that love spring break but it is so judgmental and insuting to you when someone says, “hey I’m glad it’s summer.” Personally I have a kindergartener that was in school with in walking distance in a mostly rainy climate for all of 2.5 hours a day so yeah I’m glad we get to stay in our jammies til whenever now. And I’m not looking forward to next year because I’ll have a preschooler across town the same time I have a first grader and we all have to get up at 7!!! And the next year after that I’ll have one getting out at 2:30 and one getting out at 3:30 my whole life is walking back and forth to the damn school. So yea for summer break!!!

    • 13

      Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy says

      Yeah, see that’s the sarcastic part. I’m pretty sure she’s not REALLY ending friendships because of their excitement. But I hear you about the sleeping in – THAT I can relate to!

    • 14

      Jen says

      OH MY GOD NOT 7AM!!!!!!! a lot of people, with or without children, have starts earlier than that! I would be grateful for a 7am wake up for sure. and at least you’re getting exercise walking :)

      • 15

        Julie Bowen says

        I definately agree @Jen. My son’s internal clock is set to 6am and then it’s go, go, GO! If left to myself, I’d definately sleep later than that. We can be positive or negative about it, tired or not, and realize it’s a blessing to have a healthy child that can get up and go to school (or bounce tirelessly around the house and yard, hour after hour after hour), that we have the opportunity to send them to school, or care for them at home. Those aren’t choices everyone gets.

      • 17

        Heather says

        God blessed me with a 4 and 5 year old that WILL sleep til 9, I’d like the opportunity to enjoy it. Yea for summer is all i’m saying. lol

    • 18

      Aimee says

      I agree with the person who said, “7 is early?” Here in Northern New England, MANY people are already at work by 7am. (I’m not one of them – I get to work closer to 8:30 – and I’m definitely NOT a morning person, but 7am isn’t THAT early. Even in the depths of winter, the sun is pretty much up by that hour ;-)

      If one of the kids is at a school within walking distance, the school board believes that child is capable of walking that without a parent. If there are intersections, there might even be crossing guards. Chances are you can kiss your little munchkin goodbye and send him/her off to school on their own. He/she might even enjoy the freedom/responsibility!

      • 19

        Sandy says

        School Boards don’t always have much sense. My kids are in middle school, and walking distance is 1.5 miles. There are crossing guards around the school for one block.The administration reminds parents that kids should never walk to school alone (safety is key as there have been incidents of drivers trying to entice kids into their cars). It never occurs to them that those quaint yellow buses used to solve this problem. This would be irritating even in the most temperate of climes, but we live in the rugged midwest, and 1.5 miles in snow and ice is absurd.

  7. 22

    Suzanne says

    Hey, I’ve been looking forward to the fall and having one in kindergarden and one in preschool since March (when I signed up the little one :)

    • 23

      Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) says

      Me too! First time I will have them both in preschool at the same time. 3 glorious hours a day for 3 days each week!

      • 24

        Marie says

        Wait til they’re all in school ALL day!! Its marvelous!! There’s a tradition my friend started. The first day of school is called “hallelujah” day. And mothers go out to breakfast to celebrate. Those mothers whose last child started school that day for the full day is honored as a true “hallelujah sister”!!!

        • 25

          Kerri says

          my full-time grandson goes to scool in fall of 2014. I am already counting down the days to freedom!

        • 26

          Helen says

          oh yes mam, I’ve missed dd NOT being in daycare a portion of the day and cannot wait for kindergarten to start.

          FTR, neither can she. Mommy is boring!

  8. 27

    Jennifer says

    Sometimes the truth hurts! Being a mom isn’t always a beautiful, amazing experience!! Especially when those pretty little babies turn into smelly, hairy, teenage boys!! Would I change it? Never! That is why I love this blog.. I can relate to so much! Do I have beautiful moments? Yes I do.. even now with almost grown men.. They join me for dinner, play a song they think I would like on the guitar, share funny videos on youtube.. But they forget to flush, don’t rinse their dishes, invite friends over at 2 am.. Have minor runs-ins with the law.. Drive me nuts most times, but hey.. no one ever said this job was glamorous! Keep doing what you do here! It makes me feel normal!!

  9. 28

    Amy says

    Thank you for this website. I was getting to the point where I started to question myself as a mother because I didn’t want to be with my children 24-7 while it seemed like other moms loved playing Chutes and Ladders 145 times in a row or became depressed when their children went off to school. We adopted our two children. I carry around guilt and feel like I am a horrible mom because we wanted children so badly, and here I am wishing I could just be away from them from time to time and wondering why I feel like I’m going insane. It is nice to read about others who struggle with the same things I do.

    • 30

      Margaret says

      I hear ya. This website provides me with so much reassurance that I’m a normal mom (and a decent one at that). When asked “how’s it going” about two months after having my first baby all I could reply was “I couldn’t love him more, and I can’t wait to get away from him. I am so conflicted…” It is so hard to find that balance between giving all of ourselves to our kids, and saving enough for ourselves to maintain sanity. So glad this website exists!!!

    • 31

      Helen says

      Amy, you are SO not alone. I was 46 when mine was born after (thankfully) only 2 rounds of IVF, so I get the guilt about not wanting to be around them 24/7/365. No you’re not horrible, no you’re not alone. Maybe we should start our own blog on just this subject?

  10. 32

    Karen says

    Hyperbole: Exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

    Ease up on the mom who admits it’s hard and tries to find the humor in the situation. Hell, I refer to summers here as my time in captivity.

  11. 33

    Charlene White says

    Go, Scary Mommies!!! This place has saved my a$$ more than once in having a safe-nonjudgemental place to rant about problems, and BOY do I have a LOT of them!!! So, sista from another mista…take your judging self and don’t let the cyberdoor hit ya where the good Lord split ya! Loves and hugs!

  12. 34

    Southern Angel says

    You tell em. I am so sick of the momma’s who act as if they never need a break to be an adult.. ummm if you have more than one child I can promise that didn’t happen while the other ones were in the room.. at least not watching and awake.. Seriously. Motherhood is hard enough we should not be stabbing each other to make ourselves feel better about the job we do.

  13. 35

    Casandera says

    I LOVE this page!! I totally relate to everything said on here. So that’s why I “liked” the page!! If you don’t like what’s said here than wth are you still doing here? It’s simple just dislike and move on and let the rest of us enjoy!!

    • 36

      Sara says

      I couldn’t agree more! Since having my kids all my “friends” disappeared because they didn’t have kids yet..all I really have is my mom…the mom who raised me and yelled at me and got annoyed by me and suddenly is a different person now that she’s a grandma! If I didn’t have this site to come to and vent sometimes I might just lose my mind!

  14. 37

    Danielle says

    As I sit here nursing my one week old baby and listen to my 5 year old and 13 year old argue about the kindle I think crap, 2 and 1/2 months???? There are so many positives and negatives to summer break. Good luck to all parents as they muddle through summer trying to figure it all out!

  15. 38

    Keline says

    I totally agree. I have a 2yr old son, a 4mo old daughter, and expecting my 3rd in January. We never sleep in, I’m lucky to get their naps to overlap by 30min, and I’m still in the ‘all I want to do is sleep’ phase of pregnancy. I send my son to daycare when I can afford it, but my daughter is colicky so not even the grandparents will keep her. I’m having all my kids close together so they’ll all start school within 2yrs of each other & I can finally have some damn peace!

    I love my kids & wouldn’t change my life for anything, but maybe we’d all be more equipped to deal with stuff like this if we were all supportive of each other. You make your own organic baby food? Great. You don’t give your child processed foods? Wonderful. But if my kid only wants hot dogs & chicken nuggets for lunch AND dinner? Damnit, at least he’s eating.

  16. 39

    Andi says

    I feel so guilty because I do not have the temperament to raise young children. I have a “persistent” personality, which is a nice way of saying “stubborn”. I HATE to be interrupted, I like to finish what I start, and transitions are hard for me. This is the worst temperament to have in dealing with young children. I LOVE my children, but being at home with them when they are young is so so so difficult and I need places to vent or I will go insane. My eight year old is a dream now because he can occupy himself and I can tell him “I can help you in ten minutes when I finish with [fill in the blank]“. My 4 year old? No way. I get depressed at home with her because I can’t stand the constant interruptions and demands. I am a better parent to older kids, and I will enjoy my kids more when they are older. Dealing with youngsters is so difficult for me. To all you moms who LOVE being at home with your young kids and don’t go crazy: good for you! You have a different temperament from me. I am happy for you. But don’t judge me because I need to vent about being with my young ones. I teach college students. I am great with older kids. But I am hanging on by my fingernails, barely making it, until both my kids are older and I can have a more normal life that doesn’t make me crazy and depressed. ScaryMommies out there, you are helping me stay sane during these difficult times. I love you!

      • 41

        Beth Armstrong Leahy says

        Hang in….it’s the same for a ton of us. I went on Prozac when my kids were little and it made a world of difference. I still take it and they are 23 and 27, married and moved away. :)

  17. 43

    Sara says

    YOU ARE MY HERO! It is good to know that I am never alone! Those nay sayers can go live in their “perfect” (perhaps delusional) world and I will stay right here in reality reading Scary Mommy ;)

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