Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Dear Snooki,
Congratulations! You’re a mother!
Can you believe it? A baby came out of you. You! Friggin’ awesome, huh? I can’t wait to hear all about and maybe even see (fingers crossed!) every little detail on MTV! I’m sure you were an absolute champ.
I’m sure you’re, you know, totally overwhelmed with love and joy and first photo right offers to consider, but I thought I’d give you a few pieces of advice. From one mom to another!
I know it’s summer and all, but in case you didn’t realize it, babies are supposed to be pale. Yeah, I know he looks pasty and it’s kind of fugly, but no need to start little Lorenzo on self-tanning cream quite yet. Maybe you’ll even luck out and he’ll have jaundice. How awesome would that be?
He’s also probably lacking some hair, I bet. Don’t worry, though, most babies aren’t born with a ton of it. You’ll have lots of time to perfect that adorable mini-pouf we all can’t wait to see!
Speaking of cosmetics, it must be tempting, but try and hold off on the Drakkar Noir or Cool Water for a bit. He probably smells pretty good on his own right now, so you can wait until he eats solids to run around spritzing him!
Now, you did just have a baby, but something tells me you’ll be up and out in no time! You’re going to be leaking some nasty stuff for a while, though, so don’t forget to wear your undies! It would be so embarrassing to leave remnants of your uterine wall all over New Jersey, right?
Best of luck, Snooki!
P.S. Despite what you may have been told, breastfeeding doesn’t act as birth control. Thought you should know!
XOXO
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Bwahaha
shannon recently posted..Ten Things (I Don’t Hate) About Me
BWAHAHAHA PRICELESS.
MamaBennie recently posted..Song of the day!
FREAKIN’ HILARIOUS!!! All the things I would love to tell her, with much less swearing than I am capable of!
Christina Allred recently posted..The Big Shift
“Remnants of your uterine wall”. Pure awesome, right there! :-)
liz recently posted..When you are jonesing for something new
I told myself I would never read another thing written about Snooki and her pregnancy but I couldn’t resist. Amen to the whole “please don’t leak your uterus all over town” part.
I love this! I need to pick up a magazine!
Chelsea Williams recently posted..Its Not Okay!
Ps — Snooki, right now you and the baby are different colors. That is NORMAL. Please do not worry. I know the incubator looks like a tiny tanning bed, but that is not what it is for so please leave the NICU. Thank you and congratulations.
Meredith recently posted..PS — Just in case you thought I was kidding………
Having never had a baby (yet), I gagged a little at “remnants of your uterine wall”. lol I’d heard that from my friends but oh…I am not looking forward to that!
Lisa Kerr recently posted..Why I Won’t Have Coffee With You
And, try not to blow all of your Jersey Shore earnings on diamond studded binkies. I’m sure you’ll be doing the Jersey Turnpike with baby Lorenzo in tow in no time.
Mommy Unmuted recently posted..10 Ways I Will Save For Preschool
Usually party girls who accidentally get pregnant turn into great mothers.
I’m not worried.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..Belly Woman Bike Envy
Who’s Snooki?
is there not one or 4 of these in every bunch?
I was still hoping it was just a big hoax that she was really pregnant. oy.
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Resting Time
Where does one buy an infant sized open collar fake silk onesie? Don’t forget the gold chains!
Leigh Ann recently posted..It’s just a thing
There’s no need to cross your fingers. I’m sure we will see every minute of her transition into motherhood, knowing how much Snooks loves to be on camera! In fact, a Dish coworker told me that she insisted on filming the whole event for her show, “Snooki and JWOW”! As much as I hate to admit it, I will be tuning in to watch. At least I have the Hopper DVR, so I can satisfy my curiosity to see Mama Snooks and barely put a dent on the tons of recording space available to me. Admit it; you’re going to tune in to watch too! ;)
Best post in the history of ever, hahahaha
Nikki recently posted..Vicious I tell you!
That is pretty terrible.
Hey, she asks for it. Plus, she loves attention, good and bad. Lighten up!
Only you could cover this so well Jill….LOL.
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..Beyond Bologna: Let’s Get Our Act Together! {Healthy School Lunches}
Ha! Oh, Snooki. Good luck is right.
OMG! This is great! I have a feeling her baby will be very well pampered with lots of material items…as for being taken care of….I have a feeling the baby daddy and grandparents will be doing a lot of that. I think Snooki may go back to her partying Jersey Shore ways now that the baby is born. I know she said she wasn’t living in the Jersey Shore house to avoid the hot tub and alcohol. But now that she is no longer pregnant I think she’ll be out drinking and hot tubbing soon enough. But who knows, she could leave all that behind and become a really great mom too. I guess we will all see.
Overly Opinionated Mommy recently posted..Day 1: New Diet
Oh the things dear Snooki will soon be learning…
Who knows, maybe this will change her?
I laughed too.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..Football
I have a feeling that girl is about to get a major wake up call.
Gigi recently posted..Right from the top of my head…..really
I blogged about this a while ago! Can’t wait to see what happens…And I also wish her the best, because after all, there’s a baby involved….but it’s bound to be interesting!
hilljean recently posted..Make Me A Morning Person!
Andddd I just peed myself thanks to post baby [lack of] bladder control. I was having quite a bad day, and I needed this laugh. Thanks :-)
Kelly recently posted..5 Things I Never Worried About Before Kids
I kinda want to warn Snooki about diaper blowouts and baby boys peeing on their mothers – but I’m guessing someone else is taking care of the icky side of things, yes?
Alison recently posted..Best Photo Bomb Ever By A Toddler
Hilarious! So wrong but so funny! :)
Michelle recently posted..Mama: The Human Kleenex
Perfect. And yet, so wrong at the same time. Poor Lorenzo. :)
Don’t forget to wear your undies. Buhahahaha! It’s a shame that’s probably a legitimate reminder for her. Poor kid. He will be greasy and well-dressed, though.
Stephanie recently posted..Things That Need to Stop…Now
Hilarious!!
Myndee recently posted..We interrupt regularly scheduled posting….
Oy vey! Good one!
Just Jennifer recently posted..Whenever I see your smiling face
Jill, you crack me up!
Lynn Kellan recently posted..Proof the deer in my yard need braces
You know she pushed a doll around in a stroller for mommy “practice.” Yeah, that sounds about right on so many levels. . .
Denise Malloy recently posted..Scarred For Life
Ooh I love me some snarky on Monday morning. :)
Deb recently posted..Life Illustrated:bath time for mom
I’m just hoping she doesn’t forget it somewhere along her GTL route.
Rebeccah recently posted..A Whiny Post – Also One I Kind of Posted Already But Not Really. Sort Of.
well Jill, that was just the giggle I’m going to keep with me all week long, I can’t stop smirking. (Plus I’ll be at the NJ shore the next week and half, so Maybe I’ll get to see some of that!)
Drakkar…classic ;)
Kir recently posted..100 Word Song: Troth: Mystery Man
That poor child. That poor, poor child. That’s all the thought I’m capable of processing on this topic. :(
Kristen Mae recently posted..Cabinet Slammers and Screamers
Is that really a case of Coors Light in that stroller? Really?
Jennifer recently posted..Back to School {Being a Mom}
Buahaha! You always have the BEST advice. Truth.
Veronica @ Germlisch recently posted..A breath of life
Pregnant Snooki pushing a case of Coors Light in a stroller may be the most amazing image, ever.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Get Old.com – Worst Idea, Ever.
That was hateful. I am not impressed.
Love this! Hope she reads it. :)
anna see recently posted..Monday Musings: Changes
Bwahahaha!! I think I just pissed my pants!
Snooki already said that she refuses to breastfeed because it’s like “being a cow being milked”. She also said that if she is hung over, she won’t go anywhere near the baby – thank god. She will let grandma look after him. Well, at least your head isn’t completely screwed on backwards Snooki, just most of the way.
Fern DeVilliers recently posted..In Need Of A Nudge
You’re too funny! Someone needs to send her a bedazzled Baby Bjorn so she doesn’t drop him when she’s drinking.
What a hateful post. Kind of goes against the whole supportive, ‘parenting doesn’t have to be perfect’ vibe of this website, no?
Romy,
I agree. A blatant violation of the CoC, someone should tell a “community manager” to delete this as it is unsupportive to a new mother.
As a long time member of the MB’s and a financial contributor I deleted my account. I know I made the right choice after reading this post. You are bitter and mean. Just because you could not sell any books does not give you the right to diss other Moms who are more “famous” than you. Isn’t that what your site is all about?? Giving support with NO judgement?????? I even went to your book signing and supported you when hardly anyone else did. Snooki is famous for a reason, just like you are not. Hypocracy at it’s finest you are Jill. Goodbye.
Thanks for my morning laugh. This was awesome!
Carolyn recently posted..Make Your Own Wrap Bracelets
The sad part – people would snatch up those uterine remnants and try to sell them on eBay. Let’s hope she wears underwear AND does apply herself as a mom. :)
Crystal Ponti recently posted..5 Things We Wish Our Kids Didn’t Do
I am still in a slight state of shock at the publicity she’s getting.
I don’t know why though. Because really, I just thank God this isn’t Kim Kardashian.
Just thinking about HER having a baby makes me dizzy.
Carrie recently posted..I might not have kids but I’ll embarrass them anyway. And others as well. But I can take it, too.
My eyes were tearing up with laughter. Hilarious! So true. So scary and sad she is reproducing….thanks for making light of it.
Clearly Kristal recently posted..No Bus Rides Here
“Remnants of your uterine wall all over New Jersey” beyond funny! I will be visiting there soon, I will be on the look-out!
Lucille Williams recently posted..Why Are We Afraid To Show People Who We Really Are?