I have a really hard time disciplining my children. I’m not talking small punishments, like sitting in the corner or not getting dessert. Those are a piece of cake. I mean, the big stuff. The stuff that comes after numerous warnings, countless chances and never ending tantrums.
The problem? Those punishments always seem to punish me, too. And, frankly (said in my whiniest voice while stomping my feet,) it’s just not fair.
Let’s review the punishments that really get to my children:
• Cancelling play-dates: Not only do I look like a dick to the other parent, but I need to deal with annoying children complaining of nothing to do all afternoon and I have to entertain them.
• Not attending birthday parties: Again, I look like an asshole backing out and I’m already out the gift, plus I have to make lunch.
• Going to bed early: So I need to listen to screaming and crying for hours? That makes for a relaxing night.
• Going to bed without dinner: OK, so I’ve never done it, but I would without a doubt end up stressing all night that they are malnourished or dehydrated and that I am the sole cause.
• Turning around the car mid-trip: Are you kidding? After strapping the kids in, packing everything up, and schlepping somewhere I’m supposed to just turn around? Does anyone actually do this?
• Taking away TV time: The only time that my children are ever peaceful and quiet is during the hour when they watch television. I am not about to give that up.
So, what does that leave me? Time-outs? Pfft. I’d kill for a time out, myself. It doesn’t seem like much of a threat. Time in their toy-filled rooms? Nah…
Perhaps, I should record their meltdowns and subject them to incessant screenings. That’s certainly punishment for me.
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Luckily our kids are really passionate about things they are involved with, so we can take away privileges, like wii time or baseball practice, etc. But, often if we do a time-out on a chair in the kitchen (# of mins same as their age in years), and then talk about things and if I focus on them a little more, then they are super sweet. It’s all about consistency though… Ignoring the tantrums is the hardest but most effective for us when they are young…Goog luck.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Is it a deal, or not? =-.
when i was 17 i saw a boy that i was not supposed to behind her back and she of course caught me. she obviously had no idea what to do in that situation because she put me IN THE CORNER. yes, she was so overwhelmed with blinding anger that she put a 17 year old senior in the corner. something she had not done in about 12 years!!!! LMAO my 15 year old brother walked by me in a look of utter confusion… hahah!!!!
I really have nothing except to chortle outright that his brother is just circling him and egging him on. LOVE IT.
My bag of tricks for older kids:
- I put the TOY in time out instead of the kids fighting over it
- I assign lines. I just found some in a notebook that read, “I will lay quietly during nap time at school and not scream”
- I have tied my kids together until they stop fighting (only once, but it did work)
- I have bagged up every toy in their trashed rooms and actually thrown out the bags instead of giving them back (sob)
- I assign extra chores (or gasp! make them do their sibling’s chore)
.-= Natalie´s last blog ..foto friday: funny baby face =-.
That video is hilarious! I love how your other son is making his presence noticable since he’s not the one in trouble! Recording hissy fits is definitely an ingenious punishment!
Love you little dude who just goes round and round! hee hee
Well, I know he doesn’t want “girl” cheese, so is it “goat” cheese or “grilled” cheese?! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, you need it! Can you send them for a visit somewhere?
He wants GOAT CHEESE?? What the eff is he even whining about?!
LOL! OK, now I feel like a moron. “GRILLED” cheese makes significantly more sense.
I really should have videotaped my DD’s meltdown yesterday. She’s the queen of the pouty lip, trembling chin, tear-filled eyes, and grouchy looks–new and improved lately with eye-rolls that should win her a Tony award. The reason for this little drama? I had the audacity to take away some weird “fighter jet trading card” thing her Grandpa gave her.
Did I mention that she’s not even 2? Her twin brother has one terrible temper, but at least he isn’t a whiner.
Kids are strange and not-always-that wonderful animals.
Dude, I have problems with all forms of punishment with my kids – I can’t say NO! Seriously, it can be such a problem sometimes!
Was JUST thinking this today. I suck at disciplining because it hurts me more than them. Not only because I can’t do fun stuff, but because I really don’t want to be a screaming maniac all day. I’d end up with one hell of a headache and I’d definitely end up drinking too much. If I discipline one thing, then I feel like I have to discipline it all, and who has the time or energy for that? And what a sucky day that would be. So I decided to just focus on laughing with my kids, because if they are laughing, they don’t have a chance to whine or scream or hit or bite or cry.
I have tried all sorts of punishments. My favorite when the girls were small, we had a timer, you had till I set the timer in the hallway to get to your room ( I usually set the timer for 20-30 minutes depending on the fightin) I scared my girls once because I grabbed the timer and ALL 3 of us headed to our rooms. I set the timer in the hall and shut MY bedroom door! I needed the time-out. When I came out 20 minutes later I had 2 girls wide-eyed and silent.
Now they are teens with driving permits. Needless to say they dont get to drive. Another good one is to send the kids out to pull weeds in the flower gardens or yard. I have given them a rake and told them to de-thatch the yard (either front or back but not both)
My boys are 8 and 10 and what works for all of us is sitting them in the other room with no TV, radio, computer, or books. I usually use the one minute per year guideline. They live with their father, so I try not to use the “I’ll tell your father” threat. It tends to undermine me as a parent, and seems to me like punishing them twice when I’ve already handled the problem.
Patti recently posted..That’s Me
-Yes punishing your child may seem like a punishment to you as well, but welcome to the self sacrificing choice you made when created a life
-Disciplining a child does not equal fun for parent
-Discipline is about teaching the child an effective life lesson
-I think that teaching your child consequences for their actions and behaviors outweighs what your friends think of you
Yep, gonna have to try this on my 11 year old son. I think that my two younger ones would get a kick out of the attention and ham it up, but it might just work on a tantrum throwing 11 year old!! Hehehehehe!!
Angie recently posted..Not Me Monday
First of all, I love the fact that after clicking the thumbs up icon, it now says: Kali Capps likes Punishing Children. That’s awesome.
Second, can I just say that this video brought me so much relief I cannot even put it into words. My son is almost 4 and when he does the whiny thing and the “mommy” on endless loop mode I am caught between laughing and crying. I am just glad I’m not alone. Thanks, Jill.
Kali Capps recently posted..Hot Diggity Dog
First off, I just want to come clean and say I’ve been lurking your blog and have thoroughly enjoyed reading all your posts and comments of all your readers. I am a mom of three myself (boy 8yrs, girl 7yrs and another boy 5yrs) and I certainly know how things can get out of hand with the quickness if not “handled”.
Heres my take.
Never feel bad about disciplining.- I totally believe children thrive in structure. They may not neccessarily out right say that, but they ARE less “confussed” as to what is expected of them if you set limits and boundaries.
Setting Limits and Boundaries: How do you “discipline” if you don’t have a clear and concise limits and boundaries? I believe these two mentioned above go hand in hand with being able to “discipline” our children without any confussion for our kids. (and quite honestly parents too)
How would they know if it’s “really” wrong to hit your brother after he wrestled you to the floor and farted in your face? (true example.)
In this senario,(IMO) rough housing/playing rough has to be addressed as unacceptable behavior. (Limit)
And set “House Rules” (Boundaries)
If “House Rules” are broken there are consequences (Discipline/Disciplinary Action)
I have a 3 strike rule in my house. I only give my kids 3 strikes/warning. On third, I enforce and follow through with their consequence. Sound harsh? It is as harsh as you make it. But whatever you set your ‘Consequence’ as, it HAS to be do-able by you and you should not feel bad about following through with it. (Remember the kid(s) had 3 chances/wanings!!! Its fair!!!)
My reliable ‘Go To Consequence’ is “Would you like to go to the bathroom?” (not to confuse with “would you like to go/try potty?”)
I came up with this idea of “going to the bathroom” with my first born, while my second was still an infant. (They are 12mos and 2weeks apart, birthdays in the same month, 2 wks apart)
I bowed never to reprimand my children in front of ANYONE. That’s family members, friends, strangers not ANYONE. (Its humiliating for both parties involved especially in public.)
So I mean business when I say “would you like to go to the Bathroom” (quite literally) So what do I do with this child in the bathroom? I ask, state what she/he did, the reason we are now in the confines of this bathroom, how I hate to have to have this conversation here, how I feel when she/he… (ie: thows a trantrum) All with real feelings as if I am talking to a very upset adult. (I’ve cried many times with my first…)
I chose the bathroom because it is everywhere. Malls, friend’s house, my house, parks… etc
It is semi-private, away from direct eyes of others
I started this when my first born was 2 yrs old. And my second watched ’till she was 2 years old. By the time my first turned 3 yrs old, he was able to stand just outside of the bathroom door while his younger sister gets a “talk”. All the while, his “hands are behind his back(so not to touch anything) and bubbles in his mouth(so not to talk to any strangers)” against the door of the stall. I am able to see his feet so I know he is safe and the “talk” is never no more than a minute at that age. The ‘talk’ gets longer as the kids get older, as I now ask more cause and effect questions.
*The Golden Rule is follow through with your ‘Disciplinary Action’*
You’ve mentioned:
• Cancelling play-dates: You won’t look like a dick to the other parents if you explain as to why you are cancelling. And yes, you DO need to deal with your children complaining of nothing to do all afternoon. I would interrupt your children’s complaint by saying
“I know. I certainly am bored out of my mind. I wish I can be at that play date/party. It IS too bad that Joe’s behavior has made us all stay at home. Joe, it is now your responsibility, NOT MINE to entertain yourself and your siblings. You took that privilege AWAY FROM ME to entertain YOU and your siblings by behaving the way you did. Not only did you take that privilege away from me, but you have made yourself and your siblings be missed at Sarah’s palydate/party. They invited you because you are …(fill in the blank with all positive things you can think of about your child) … but you have disapointed all of us by displaying such unacceptable behavior. I think you would feel better if you would occupy your time writing her a very nice apology card for not being able to attend, since you have “nothing to do all afternoon.” You may give it to her when you see her next time”.
• Going to bed early: I have never done this. It WOULD be a torture to just lay in a dark room.
• Going to bed without dinner: I’ve never done this one either it sounds cruel!!! For kids and the parent(s)
• Turning around the car mid-trip: I have definately done this. I was mad I had to do it since that’s what I said I was gonna do. After several U-turns, my kids and I are so very happy that we don’t have to resort to this anymore. I still on occassion have to remind the kids of the few U-turn trips we took, but we haven’t had to make a U-turn trip in a very long time
• Taking away TV time: The TV times are a privilege you ‘earn’ in my house. I usually took a whole bunch of flour, water and food coloring and make a home made play dough. Cut big plastic garbage bag flat and place it on the dining table and let them create whatever. Did the same with crayons and plain ol paper. And I don’t have to stand-by. No, it doesn’t keep them occupied for hours like TV, but it gives them something to do. And you get all the Kudos for all their little projects!!!
I have never tried time-outs. other than when they start to complain about the food on their plate. I do tell them not to eat, but they are to sit at the table minding their manners till everyone is done eating. If they continue t\ to whine and misbehave, on the third warning, guess where I send them off to with their food till everyone is done? Yup, you guessed it. The dreaded BATHROOM!!! till everyone at the table is done.
Kids are incredibly intellegent, affectionate little people who love us unconditionally. They look to us for guidence and rewards. And rightfully so. We ARE their parents after all…
I have a difficult time dishing out punishment for my little but I have age to blame, besides I have an 18 year old so I was able to punish him enough. My littlest one is five and her mouth is OHMYGODPLEASEHELPMEBABYJESUSNOTBEATHERTODAY, but I mean I love her.
I…cannot…believe that this thread has gone on so long and only ONE person (thanks Alexistlesa!) has even mentioned the dreaded “S” word.
“Experts” tell you that spanking will harm your kid’s tender little psyches. When my kids are willingly disobedient, and I am in a cool headed frame of mind, I spank them on their tender little psyches. It is immediate, effective, and can be done anywhere. Afterwards, we talk, and I tell my son that I love him, and he tells me he loves me back.
I have never had to deal with temper tantrums because I have NEVER tolerated one. My kids know that the tantrum is just as much a disobedience as the initial act.
And they are not shy and cowering kids, waiting for the next backhand.
They are smart, fun loving, and talkative.
I may get sued some day, but hopefully it won’t be from people on this thread who are apparently here to celebrate the joys of doing mothering the quick, efficient, and stressless way.
Instead of punishments would it not be easier to set up rewards, like if theyve been really good they get to do something they like
that way they get rewarded and have an incentive to be good.
i know that worked for me!!
All in all it just has to be consistant
(i love answer 76 btw)
Hi all. First time here, and let me tell you all of the other comments are very comforting to know I am not the only one ready to put myself in a month long time out.
I found a rather large pocket knife/swiss army knife thing hidden by my 11 yr old inside two boxes and a drawer today (I was cleaning out the trash in the drawers). I asked him what it was and why he had it. He then looked straight at me replied pocket knife, and told me he knew he was not supposed to have it. He said he picked up outside and snuck it into his room. Now my 11 yr old and his 10 yr old brother have a very hate/hate relationship. They fight like nothing I have ever seen, a real hate/hate relationship. I punisherd him by taking away all screen time (DS, Wii, Computer, TV), and he is confined to his room for the next two weeks. I feel as though I am being too harsh, but then again, I have to instill in him that it is not okay to bring a weapon into the house and hide it. Any comments or ideas to make this a little easier (on me at least?)
Hi Melissa, I SO read you! The very same happened here, more or less. Except for, my son is 9 – and he was 8 when he found the pocket knife and brought it home! Yep. So…..scarry, and it made me so mad as well. He found it outside in the complex where we live, brought it to his room – but he wasn’t so smart to hide it well, so he just left it there somewhere. There are so many things (read: dangers!) that come with it! We don’t know whose stuff it was, so we don’t know what it had been used to (God knows what those blades have touched, right?), he could get seriously hurt, or he could hurt someone ELSE badly (what’s worse, btw?), oh did I mention he has a baby sister and he could REALLY hurt HER? I mean, I love my son to death and I trust his judgement of what’s right and wrong (to a certain extent, of course, but on this specific matter I am sure he KNOWS he’s not supposed to do “this or that”), but heck, these kids these days… We never know. Could be one of his friends messing with it, could REALLY just be anything at all! So… I gave him a hard time (said a bunch, don’t remember what now), took the pocket knife away and I’m not sure I grounded him back then, because I seriously believe he didn’t have a CLUE what he was doing or going to do with it, but I seriously have to work on this “found ot and brought it home” thing. He does that with EVERYTHING he finds on the ground outside. You name it. The other day I had to try to find the owner of a mobile phone, haha. At least he broguht it and said “mom, try to call someone and see if they lost THIS”.
Oh man….. I don’t know. BOYS. :P
Bruna recently posted..Qik – Mobile video by Bruna Cirelli Aanestad
PS: do NOT blame yourself for anything here – you SURE DID the right thing!!!!! :) *group hug!*
Bruna recently posted..Qik – Mobile video by Bruna Cirelli Aanestad
Thanks Bruna! My husband came home and talked with him. I was hoping he would scare him silly, but that didn’t happen :( I am just not sure that he even can understand the danger. He just looks at me and says “Whatever” when we talk to him about how dangerous it was. I don’t know if he doesn’t understand or just doesn’t care (which is even scarier).
I know what you mean! It’s the exactly same thing here. I don’t know whether he doesn’t care or doesn’t understand, but I sometimes choose to give him some credit and believe that he’s just too naive, or smth. But I keep both eyes open, you know? I go with my gut feeling and……..hope it’ll be all good.
OH MOTHERHOOD! :P
Bruna recently posted..Qik – Mobile video by Bruna Cirelli Aanestad
I can wield a wooden spoon like a Samuari Warrior. I even carry a purse big enough to fit one inside. It’s fiarly effective from across a store.
The punishment definately has to fit the child. For my older one, if she breaks something throwing a fit or won’t participate in a dance class she begged to take, I make her take money out of her bank and pay for it. She has no idea I slip it back in when she is not home.
Last night my 4 year old told me that I am not in charge of her room and she can stay up as long as she wants. I informed her that I am a Mom. I am in charge of her entire universe. Then I turned out the light and said good night. I bet story time is a little more appreciated tonight.
Wow. Maybe you people should try treating your kids like human beings instead. Jesus christ.
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