5 Accurate Do Not Disturb Signs

do-not-disturb-mom

Sometimes, I just want to pee alone. Not all the time, but sometimes. Most of the time would be nice but really, 1 out of every 99 times would do. And I know I shouldn’t be ungrateful because, dude, you’re so lucky to have kids who love you so much that they want to share even the most intimate moments with you and someday it will all be gone and you’ll be in a nursing home alone, and NO ONE will want to watch you pee then!

But still, as ungrateful as it seems, it would be lovely to, every once in a while, be able to wipe my butt without an audience.

Now I know people who don’t have kids can’t understand why I don’t just lock the door and tell the kids to leave me alone. I assume it’s because they’ve never tried relieving themselves while someone bangs on the door angrily yelling “YOU LET ME IN MOMMY! LET ME IN RIGHT NOWWWWWWW!” If they had, they would know it is actually the most un-relieving way ever to relieve oneself and would find that they would also prefer having a toddler stuffing toilet paper through their legs while trying not to urinate on their hand to that toddler breaking down the bathroom door.

There are other times I’d like to be alone as well. Sometimes I’d like to lay quietly in my bed without being jumped on or having softballs lobbed at my head because someone has decided it’s the perfect time and location for an impromptu ball game/wrestling match.

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Just sometimes.

But it appears that no amount of begging, bargaining, yelling or sneaking around will gain me those few precious moments of privacy that every mom desires, so I’ve decided it’s time to get creative. “What might they respond to?” I asked myself and myself said “Threats”. And I said, “Self, you’re right. But you can’t tell the internet that, so let’s go with something more practical like ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs. Yes, let’s design some good ol’ ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs that will effectively let your children know that right now is not the moment to be messing with mommy.”

And so, I present to you five “Do Not Disturb Mom” signs that I have begun hanging around the house whenever I want to be alone…

doorhanger1

Technically, this is probably threatening. But also, technically, they probably like the idea of joining the circus, so that makes it no longer a threat.  It’s just a friendly offer.

doorhanger2

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Direct and to the point.

doorhanger3

Play up their biggest fears.

doorhanger5

Answer their questions, so they don’t have to ask.

doorhanger4

Should none of those work, it’s time to scare the shit out of them.

About the writer

Eve is a very tall woman trapped in a short woman’s body. She is a writer, illustrator, and all around awkward person. She lives with her husband and THREE sons in a very small house somewhere close by. She is probably your neighbor. Don’t call the authorities. That’s probably not her screaming at her children to stop leaving the freaking bag of marshmallows open in the cabinet because that just makes them stale. In fact, Eve only ever speaks to her children in a quiet, even tone and never yells. She couldn’t even speak loudly and angrily if she tried. Not that she has. Bottom line, leave the police out of this, please.  You can find more of Eve's writings, illustrations, and weekly comic strip at thatsmyapple.com or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Erika Perdue 2 years ago

Haha yessss!

Carol Lawson Kingston 2 years ago

So far today I have been interrupted in the shower and on the potty by the cat, kid and husband

Sasha Kane 2 years ago

Ha! My daughter is old enough now that she understands “I need privacy!” Now it’s the dog that thinks it is perfect time to get a chest or belly rub!

Amy Holt 2 years ago

I tell them I’m gonna sell them to the gypsy’s. Works fairly well.

Amanda Stone 2 years ago

Was hoping I could print those off from a pdf. Brilliant!

Carolyn Magris 2 years ago

I Need a sign ! Lol

Lori Worachek 2 years ago

I was literally brainstorming on this yesterday! I want to go potty alone for the love of God!

Manuela Lanfranconi 2 years ago

as soon as they can read!!! CIRCUS!!!

Jackie Smith-Barber 2 years ago

Remember those days well

Tonya Lowe 2 years ago

Awesome! These will be hung today!!! Thanks!

Ana Rebelo Daley 2 years ago

I could have used those this morning.

Melissa Bechthold Hoehn 2 years ago

I like the way Eve thinks!

Shelley 2 years ago

I can totally relate & signs would be great. Now I just have to teach my little ones how to read, so that they will not become the next great thing to color or rip.

Teresa Patton 2 years ago

ha ha, these are cute. Glad my are grown up enough to not do this any, oh wait, my daughter still does, and my son did once the other day. I just looked at him, he like “what?” lol

Maria Swift 2 years ago

Thank you! I think I’ll use these!

Debbie Newton 2 years ago

I need some of these for the front door after this baby is born.

Sarah Flagler 2 years ago

I want these!

Lydia Lee 2 years ago

My favorite is a door sign I found at Old Navy, it simply reads: “Family Tip No. 12 – Never wake sleeping mom.” I pretty much live by it and it hangs prominently in my room as a truth my family is learning. I would have loved to see the other 11 tips.

Fatuma Salim 2 years ago

Bol I know right!

Florin N Panlilio 2 years ago

Love it! I’m not alone!!!

Alicia 2 years ago

#2 should be the family motto!

Amy Stewart 2 years ago

Sitting in the bathroom reading this when D2 walks in and says “wipe mommy?” and when i say no thank you stomps off angrily. Lol

Bonnie Klein 2 years ago

These will not work at my house. My boys will just want to see the monster and the snakes and I’ve already used the circus threat – they do in fact think it would be cool to travel with the circus…

Leslie Barrett Hall 2 years ago

The best part about this was the About The Author…

Ashley Fuchs 2 years ago

#2 and #4 are my favs. I say them, like, every 5 minutes. Loudly. I need to walk around wearing a sandwich board bearing those wise words…

Thici Curbelo 2 years ago

Lmao!!!!!!!

Brooke Johnson 2 years ago

Ha ha My favorite part is not being able to tell the internet you threaten your children.

Jackie Jones 2 years ago

One day I was there sitting on the toilet, my 3 year old busts through the door with a chocolate pudding in one hand & a spoon in the other saying “Can you please open this for me ,mommy?” I just sat there looking at her for 10 straight seconds,,she was standing right in front of me. I didn’t know what to say..I was just in disbelief, Finally, I said “Sure will.” I happily tore the foil lid off the chocolate pudding, licked the excess pudding off, threw it in the canister next to me. She said “Thank you,mommy”. I said “you’re welcome.” She walked out, closed the door behind her and I just sat there as if I never were disturbed!

Karen Stump Woody 2 years ago

I always tell my kids if they bother me while I’m in the bathroom the answer will be “no”. It doesn’t help. Lol!

Emily McGrath Barnes 2 years ago

Hahaha! LOVE IT! More than anything I want a shower by myself. No kids, no husband, no one to ask a question, flush a potty, or fight while I soak.

Sandi Diamond Fox 2 years ago

So funny!!!! And true!

Samantha Newman 2 years ago

OMG … this is so funny and true!!

Dawn Pelej 2 years ago

This. Is. Awesome.

My son actually broke the lock on our main bathroom door when he was two because I attempted to pee alone.

Angi Pagel Webb 2 years ago

I love this! I need to print them!!

Shay Nielsen Vail 2 years ago

Those are cute

Devon Ramsey Thompson 2 years ago

My toddler is potty training, so not only do I have an audience, I also get a congratulatory dance for every successful potty trip, haha! I would give my right arm for potty privacy, but the current dancing (and potty training success) kind of makes up for it.

Mary Schneider 2 years ago

ROFL I’m going to print these off and use them on my office door for my teenagers.

Adrian Luker Camp 2 years ago

I love this!

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