Let’s face it. This mommy shit isn’t easy. Yes, it’s wonderful and you wouldn’t trade it for the world, but does it ever get easier? Two years from now, will you finally be able to relax? Does motherhood ever get easier? Let’s take a look at this from the beginning, shall we?
Newborns: Hard. Fragile and easily pissed off, they are kind of like little caterpillars that wiggle around and fart a lot. They poop, scream, cry, have stomach pains, spit up, and eat all the time. It’s a 24-hour festival of fuss and liquid. The main goal is to keep them healthy, clean, and dry.
Infants: Exhausting. Similar to newborns, but their poops get bigger and they become mobile. In other words, they can now get hurt. Teething is a bitch and a lot of babies want to be held all the flipping time. You learn to do many things one-handed, even laundry. Showers? Forget about it. You’ll have your own scent and you will get used to it. For you, sleep only happens if you are lucky enough to get a concussion. Good luck with that.
Toddlers: Backbreaking. They run, fall, bite, bump their heads, and skin their knees. They are basically on a mission of self-destruction. They are like teeny-tiny drunks that you can’t get to walk in a straight line. They will run right into on-coming traffic without flinching, so you have to watch them EVERY SINGLE SECOND! Plus, potty training begins! They throw food, they throw fits, and they throw punches. You better know how to duck.
Threes: Tough. They may or may not use the potty, but they can certainly use their sassy mouths. The boys find their wieners (aka their BFF’s) and they never let them go…for the rest of their lives. The girls still can’t quite figure out what the hell they’ve got going on down there, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t curious. Nap times may become a battle. It’s you against the kid, you better come prepared for combat.
Fours: Challenging. This is when it’s supposed to get easier, right? Maybe a little, but that itty bitty volcano that’s been increasingly active for the last four years can erupt at any moment. They will discover their imaginations, their personalities and will also develop a fear of monsters, the dark, and any noise whatsoever. Welcome to feeling like you have a four year-old growing out of your leg. Oh, and if you’ve got boys, then butt, diarrhea, balls, wiener, stinky, poop and fart are all words that are just normal vocabulary. If you have girls, they may start getting serious about fashion choices, thus making your mornings a living hell!
Kindergarten-Elementary School: Difficult. Yes, they will go to school and catch every single strain of illness that has ever existed on the face of this planet even though they’ve already had like 200 vaccines at this point, but that’s not even the hardest part. So many activities, sports, and just stop with all the effing birthday parties already! And…you will worry. Will they have friends? Will they be on grade level? What if they fall behind? What if no one plays with them at recess and it crushes their spirit? Oh enough already! Can’t we please go back to the time when we could protect them from all of this crap?
Middle School: You’re screwed. They have to find their place in the treacherous social cliffs of adolescence. You will constantly worry about grades and safety. Will they make the team? What if someone offers them drugs? What if they have self-esteem issues? Oh the puberty! Oh the hormones! Oh the sex education! Periods and acne and everything that’s awful. Make it stop! Make! It! Stop!
High School: Now you’re really screwed. They can drive. Will they keep their grades up? They want to date. Where will they be when they say they are at their friend’s house? Will they actually be there, or will they have glow sticks in their mouths and be doing ecstasy and having relations? Or was that our generation? Who cares! What the hell are they doing out there? Oh good gracious.
College: They’re gone, but why haven’t they called? They must be studying…or at a kegger. What if they joined a commune of hippies? They never answer their cell phones. You paid over thirty grand for them to be out alone, unarmed and unsafe. What if the Greek crowd rejects them? What if they accept them? What if they become Indie or Emo? What the eff does that even mean? Well now you’ve done it. Drop your classes kids. You’re coming home to mother!
Adulthood: Freedom! Hold on there little mama, you’re still not done. It’s not the day-to-day blood, sweat and tears kind of labor, but there are engagements, broken engagements, and warrants out for your arrest after the engagements are broken. Are they really happy? What if they rob a liquor store? Now there’s a real wedding. Were you a good enough mom to them all those years? Oh crap, they had kids. They are not raising their kids right. Now this process starts all over again.
So it can be reasonably concluded that the answer is NO. It never really gets “easier.” It just becomes a different kind of difficult. You may end up a medicated, nervous ball of stress and anxiety, but that’s okay. Don’t worry mom, you totally got this. All the hard work is going to be worth it. So, just enjoy whatever time you’re in now, because change is just around the corner…and you know it ain’t gonna be easy.
Related post: 5 Big Fat Lies About Parenthood