Everything You Really Need to Know About Pregnancy and Delivery

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pregnant-boy-girl-rex

THE FIRST TRIMESTER:

— You’ll probably develop carpal tunnel syndrome from spending over an hour a day on Google trying to figure out if those niggling pains in your pelvic area that you’ve been feeling for a few days are period cramps, or possibly (OMG!!!) pregnancy symptoms… Then you’ll google “carpal tunnel” and “pregnancy” to see if there’s a correlation.

 Even if you’re TTC, chances are, you’ll be smoking a cigarette or drinking a glass of wine a day or two before you find out you’re pregnant.

— You’ll be secretly thrilled to have an excuse not to suck in your tummy. But until you start looking pregnant, you’ll just look a little bloated.  

— Transvaginal ultrasounds are bionic dildos sheathed in condoms and squirted with a lot of lube. It’s like a sci-fi porno starring your cervix

— There’s an unspoken rivalry between women who puke and women who don’t.

— Unless you wear a big old sign that says “Hi, I’m pregnant!”  people will assume you had a boob job.

— Hormones are no joke, and should be a valid defense if you cut the bitch who took your parking space in front of Krispy Kreme.

— You will hold your breath until you cross the First Trimester finish line.

THE SECOND TRIMESTER:

— You’ll spend at least 20 minutes a day looking at your profile in any full-length reflective surface you can find. You will celebrate when your belly”pops.” But really, you still just look bloated.

— The hormone defense should still hold water when your partner brings the wrong kind of ice cream home from the supermarket.  

— You will have crazy-intense dreams. And not flying-with-unicorns-over-rainbows-in-outerspace-dreams. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In other words, you know how 14 year old boys have to change their sheets every morning? Well, you will too.  

— The first time you think you feel your baby move, it’s probably just gas. 

— At the 20 week ultrasound, all babies look like Voldemort. 

— There comes a time in (almost) every pregnant woman’s life when she fantasizes about her OBGYN or midwife.

— Maternity bras are fugly.

— Bellabands are da bomb.

— There’s (another) unspoken rivalry between women who want to know the sex of their baby, and dumbasses women who don’t.

— Your nipples will change color and may even leak.

— You’ll fart your way through the Second Trimester.

THE THIRD TRIMESTER:

— That shit they make you drink to test for Gestational Diabetes will make you swear off sugar for a day. But if you have a choice between Orange or  Yellow, drink Yellow.

— Sex becomes an elaborate game of naked twister. 

— Cocoa Butter does not prevent stretchmarks. Save your money.

— You aren’t glowing. You’re just really sweaty and oily from the hormones.

— Getting off the couch will become a test in heroics. But it will serve as a training exercise for your marathon walk down the candy aisle at the Supermarket.

— By now, all some of your friends are tired of the belly pics you’re posting on Facebook.

— Around this time, you’re going to start buying a ton of Mozart CDS and wooden toys made by magical elves in Scandanavia. And you will judge the shit out of real parents. You know, those with actual kids that are on the outside who blast Gangsta rap and let their babies play with matches and plastic toys made in China.

— During the final stretch, if your OB/ or midwife checks your cervix during a Braxton Hicks contraction, you will want to kick him or her. But, since your legs are in stirrups, you’ll just look like a moose on iceskates. And then, you’ll probably fart because you’re (still) gassy.

— You may feel like a (gassy) beached whale, but you’re beautiful. Really and truly, you are.

— Your mucous plug looks like your vag hocked a giant loogie.

— If you want to go into labor by your due date, don’t pack an overnight bag, don’t shave your legs, don’t get a pedicure, and for GODSAKE, don’t wear clean underwear.

BIRTH

— You will want to die.

 You will want to kill the Motherfucking piece of shit ratbastard asshole person who “did this to you.

— You will scream and kick and possibly shit yourself. More than once.

— At some point, you will realize that you can do this. And you will.

— Pitocin is not satanic, but it will make you bleed more.

— At some point, you may offer to fuck an anesthesiologist in exchange for a quick epidural. Just because birth is natural and women have been doing this for thousands of years does not mean you have to skip out on pain management. Remember, this is your body.

— If you feel like you need to, well, um, have a long meeting in the bathroom with a newspaper (ahem), then it’s probably time to push.

— The laws of Stockholm Syndrome dictate that you will fall in love with at least one person in the Labor and Delivery room. And that person will not be your partner.

— All the olive oil and perineal massages in the world will not prevent you from tearing. And if you didn’t tear, then I hate you. You probably didn’t get stretch marks, or puke, or want to know the sex of your baby either.

— No words or metaphor can adequately describe the sweet relief you feel once your baby comes corkscrewing out of you.

 

And yes, it’s all worth it. (Especially the um, vivid dreams in the Second Trimester.)

Comments

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  1. 1

    says

    For the diabetes test I got a lime flavor. It wasn’t awful at all (until the sugar high wore off & I swore I was hungover.) I prerended it was a margaritas at a shitty bar.
    I was truly worried because I hate orange & fruit punch. So when I saw that lime flavor I jumped! I was worried because this is my first baby & I thought I’d puke if I had those other flavors!
    First & second trimester for me weren’t bad at all. (Dont hate! Baby is making up for his ease now. I get more nauseau now than ever before!) But the last 3 weeks belly finally came out & my little boy has ninja like movements all the freakin time. His new thing is to position himself so it feels like I have a spike through my ribs. Makes breathing super fun. Only 11 more weeks of not breathing! Yay!

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  2. 5

    Kati says

    Birth via C-section

    1. You will get to the hospital at your scheduled unGodly hour of 5 or 6 a.m. be taken to a birthing room to be poked and prodded for a few hours until your well rested OB/GYN shows up well rested and smiling at 9-ish.

    2. You will be forced to gag down (drink) this stuff that tasted like battery acid to be told that it will shut down your system and after baby you won’t be able to poop for a month..

    3. You will be taken into a cold sterile surgery room so and a anesthesiologist’s assistant will poke and prod your back trying to find where the epideral goes in complaining about your back fat..until finally the competent anesthesiologist shows up to pop it right in…

    4. During surgery you will get nauseaus if you are lucky they will give you anti-naseau medicine in your iv. If you are not they will give a spit basen to vomit bile in because you haven’t eaten in over 18 hours now….

    5. You will not feel pain but you will feel every tug and pull and it is very uncomfortable…then the idiot nurse will tell you YOU CAN’T FEEL THAT and if your arms weren’t strapped to the table you might slap a bitch….

    6. You will still want to throat punch your SO or baby daddy or whatever that may or may not be sitting beside you trying to peek at your innards..

    7. You may not get to hold the baby until after you are sutured up and back from recovery.

    8. If the idiot recovery nurse touches your stomach and tells you to be quiet after you scream out in pain because “you are still numb” take your wobbley leg and kick that bitch in the face then tell her “Nope I didn’t feel a thing”

    9. When you finally get back to your room…you will harass someone anyone to bring you your kid and may even threaten to jump up off the bed to do it yourself (I don’t advise this even if you were capable of number 8 you will end up face down on a dirty hospital floor).

    10. You will look at your baby and forget numbers 1-8 and do it again, again, and again!!!

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    • 15

      Beatrice says

      I had a love/hate relationship with pregnancy. I felt like utter crap from the time I found out I was pregnant at four weeks until a month after DD was born, but don’t you just love feeling little kicks and having a big, beautiful belly?

      I remember that I was so miserable, but only have good memories now that it’s all over with. I’m already wondering when I should have my second and can’t wait to be pregnant again. I actually WANT to give birth again, and I was screaming for 10 hours until my new BFF, Mr. Anaesthesiologist, poked me in the spine. Why do I want to go through that again?!?… Oh yeah, that beautiful little angel sleeping next to me (who screamed for two straight hours last night and pooped on me about an hour ago…).

      As for the cocoa butter not working… I read it was all genetic and had to do with your body, but I lathered that stuff all over my belly everyday and didn’t get any stretch marks (please don’t hate me – I ate SO much my first trimester that my new fat belly was probably already stretched out and I still have a fat belly 3mo PP), besides a little one where my dumbass 18-year-old self decided to get a belly ring that was taken out 10 years ago.

      This article is funny and so true! I almost cut bitches on several occasions. You forgot to add that in your third trimester, you cry over absolutely everything, even things that should elicit absolutely no emotional response. I just sent it to my friend who’s trying to have a baby, so she knows what she’s in for.

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  3. 16

    momofeveryone says

    god i needed this this morning! too freaking funny and most of it is so true! and if you didn’t do a certain number on this list for babies one or two, your doing them for number 3!

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  4. 19

    Sara says

    Ahahahahahaa-
    I am one of those dumbasses who does not want to know the sex of my baby. The only ppl who high-five me on this are those who ALSO did not want to know the sexes of their babies. Everyone else does a face palm when I tell them, or else they say, ‘Oh, you’ll regret it later and change your mind.’ Ha ha- nope!

    I also just had a marathon puke session that started in the kitchen and ended in dry heaves in the bathroom (in which I simultaneously shit and pissed my pants), so gimme a break on the whole ‘not knowing the sex’ thing, k? Even my hubby was unwilling to come into the bathroom to check on his hormonal and gagging beached whale wife groaning in the toilet. Although I could hear him laughing his loving support from the kitchen. Asshole.

    Loved this read! As I am entering my 2nd trimester, I am hoping the stretch mark fairy doesn’t come visit me. But since I already have massive diarrhea (every. damn. day.), the heartburn, the puke sessions, the bloating even though I haven’t gained a pound yet, the headaches, the back pain, and even the insane leg and arm cramps, I think I can get a break on the stretch marks. Or the tearing. Is that too much to ask?

    However, I am looking forward to the crazy awesome dreams. That will mean I am actually getting some sleep…

    :)

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    • 21

      Jessica says

      WARNING: stretch marks can also happen after the baby is born (due to rapid weight loss). I was PISSED when I made it all the way to birth without them only to get them when my body dared to shed a few pounds.

      But it’s still worth it. I even had a 2nd baby. For reals. Good luck!!

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    • 22

      Beatrice says

      I hate to tell you this, but you’ll wish the diarrhea would return when the constipation kicks in and you’re drinking litres of prune juice everyday.

      When the diarrhea returns at the end of pregnancy, that means you’re about to have a baby. For me, unfortunately, the diarrhea lasted up until about an hour before my epidural, so I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes AND diarrhea. Not fun. Not fun at all.

      Sorry for openly discussing diarrhea, but once you have a baby, things you once considered TMI are parts of daily conversation. You also have no issue whipping out your breast in public, considering a group of about a dozen medical students recently watched your vagina get stitched up and you really didn’t care – a boob is NOTHING after that!

      My friends without kids think I’ve gone insane.

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  5. 23

    Heather says

    This is great, except the birth part only applies to those who have vaginal births… which all women assume they will have, until they find out they can’t. So thanks, Kati. Although, lucky me, I had full labor for 24 hours THEN a c-section. The second (scheduled) one was pretty much like you describe except you forgot to mention the moment when the nurse cheerfully tells you it’s time to insert the catheter…

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  6. 25

    Lisa says

    I had both the yellow drink and the orange… I was crying and gagging and had to force myself to finish the yellow within the time limit… next time I got the orange and my only advice is to CHUG IT… the less you taste it, the easier it will be!!!

    And that sensation of the baby’s head in your pelvis? Feels like someone is trying to crack your pelvis in half by shoving a bowling ball up there.

    No matter how much you plan, research and prepare yourself for everything, it will always end up different than you plan!

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  7. 26

    Mrs_O says

    I thought I was crazy. I’m 8 days into my 2 week wait…temps are still high (crossing fingers). I’m waiting with a bottle of sweet red in the fridge & I had coffee this morning.

    Thanks for this.

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  8. 27

    says

    Well, I did not have the pukes, Braxton hicks while carrying my lovely Teresa S. I did have the ride of my life to the hospital water squirting from hell all over the place with every contraction and pealing my soaking wet cloths off me while walking into the emergency room at 12:30 am and locking myself into the bathroom. AND MOST OF ALL I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW MANY TIMES I WAS TRYING TO TELL MY GENTLE OLD MORMAN DOCTOR THAT MY WHOHAA WAS BURNING WITH OUT USING THE PPPPPPSSSYY WORD! AND LA MAZE` MY ASS! Thank God that was my last kid! She finally popped out at 4:20 am. No pictocin for me! One thing I think that every mother remembers all to clearly, each delivery of their children!

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  9. 30

    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says

    My husband nearly fainted during the birth of the first. The only thing which kept him up was me telling him I would strangle him with the umbelical cord if he did indeed faint.

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  10. 32

    says

    I had both of my beautiful girls natural. And all the 'uncomfortable' things that went along with pregnancy was well worth it. I knew It wasn't going to be a walk in the park when I got pregnant, but the birth of your children are blessings that only God can give to you. He picked me to be a mother, and I am thankful everyday for my kids and grandkids.

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