If you’re cool with a ghostly presence or two, polish up that resume
Do you have nanny experience? Are you in need of a well-paying gig in a quaint Scottish village? Are you basically a hybrid of Mary Poppins and that chick from Ghost Whisperer? Then have we got news for you.
A Scottish family is in search of a live-in nanny for their two kids, ages five and seven. The first several paragraphs of their ad on Childcare.co.uk make the job sound like an absolute dream. Understandably, they deliver the terrifying caveat that the house *might* be haunted alllll the way at the end. Once they’ve got you hooked on all the amenities.
Yikes. Let’s break this down, shall we?
The family sounds so…unthreatening. They refer to their home as a “lovely, spacious, historic property with spectacular views.”
But the question is, will they bury your corpse on-site once the ghosts eat your soul? Because then you’ll have that spectacular view…eternally.
On to the formalities.
You’d have to be pretty god damn exceptional to be willing to spar with spirits and sleep with both eyes open every single night. Bring your religious medallions and rosaries!
Ah. So, overnights. That’s fine, no big deal. You got this.
OK, now they have our full attention.
That’s $55,000 in American dollars and considering your living expenses are taken care of, it’s quite the deal.
Which brings us to the end.
“We have lived in our home for nearly 10 years. We were told it was ‘haunted’ when we bought it, but kept our minds open and decided to buy the house regardless.”
Annnd there it is.
“5 nannies have left the role in the last year, each citing supernatural incidents as the reason, including strange noises, broken glass and furniture moving.”
Oh, so five totally different people who probably never discussed this situation with each other cited the exact same totally fucking disturbing reason for not wanting to be your nanny anymore? That checks out.
“This has obviously been a period of great upheaval for our children. We haven’t personally experienced any supernatural happenings, as they have been reported only while we’ve been out of the house, but we’re happy to pay above the asking rate, and feel it’s important to be as up-front as possible to find the right person.”
OK, so they’re either totally oblivious to the demons who are turning their house into their very own free Airbnb or the spirits are only interested in whoever cares for the children. Sounds like a safe AF employment situation.
But let’s look at it another way — these parents are so desperado for a nanny who doesn’t mind sharing space with spirits that they’re willing to pay “above the asking rate.” If you can get your ghost-fighting skills on point, this could turn into a very lucrative and exhilarating gig. Real-live ghost chases! Again, gather your crosses and spiritual totems. Maybe a few bundles of sage, I don’t know. You’ll probably need to hit up Google.
Highlights? You could enlist help from the netherworld when the kids have tricky homework, especially if it’s history. The hellish helpers are probably from all different time periods. Discipline problems? Just remind the little snowflakes that there are actual fucking monsters in their closets who only come out around the nanny. You will never feel so powerful. Also, you’ll never need to worry about preparing the kids for the harsh realities of the real world because no adult troubles could possibly be as shitty as living out your childhood in an actual haunted house.
If an en-suite bathroom and fat paycheck are worth your mortal soul, hit them up. The ad is still there and probably will be again in three months when another nanny bites the dust.