The Fast Forward Button – Scary Mommy

The Fast Forward Button

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I have a confession to make: I fast forwarded through the first two years of my son’s life, and now I find myself filled with regret.

Back when I first brought each of my boys home, I reveled in the snuggle time, the feeding time, the diaper changing, the cooing, the kissing and more.

Then, reality hit me in the face like a big fat spatula and suddenly I was flipping exhausted and desperate to pass the time.

When will this baby sleep? When will my big fat kangaroo pooch go down? When will my boobs feel and look normal again? (Oh never, that’s right!) When will I ever feel somewhat human again? (That’s debatable.) I found myself looking forward to the next stage, rather than relishing the one I was currently in. Oh, it will be so great when this little guy is sleeping for three hours at a clip. Then that happened and it became so great when he only needs to feed twice a night. And so on.

The milestones were the same. It will be so much easier when he can crawl, stand, walk etc. so he can keep up with his big brother. I can’t wait for teething to be over the poor kid is miserable (and not sleeping yet again). I said these things without even realizing that in doing so I was wishing away the precious time.

The days drag on, the nights filled with hourly feedings drag even more, but the years? The years somehow fly by

Now, I feel myself longing for the sensation of lying in bed at night and feeling the life we had created kick inside of me. I wish I could hear the sound of that amazing heart beat through the fetal Doppler or watch in amazement as the ultrasound technician shows us our little baby swimming around. I wish I had memorized everything about the moment the doctor said “It’s a boy” and placed him on my chest for the first time. I wish I had spent more time enjoying the late night feedings instead of doing them one eyed while dreaming about getting back into bed. I wish I could relive the first time he crawled, walked or said “mama.” The first time he reached up for me. I want to do it all again.

The realization of how fast the time goes has allowed me to appreciate the present. I don’t look at what lies ahead, but instead enjoy the road we are on, one day and spill at a time.