What Fathers Really Want For Father’s Day

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, I thought I would go ahead and open up the secret ‘man vault’ and tell every woman what every man really wants for Father’s Day. It’s not an expensive gift and it’s never sold out in stores. It is, however, the most thoughtful gift you could ever get him, and will provide a lifetime of special memories. A gift that is worth more than your mother’s weight in gold and one that he will remember as the best gift he ever received.

What is this incredible gift? A large cup of shut the fuck up.

That’s it, ladies. We want a day free of nagging, chatting, telling of extremely long stories that could have been summarized in two minutes, screaming kids, chores, errands, having to be awake, having to give up the remote control to the TV to whiny kids, trips down memory lane, any and ALL questions, in fact, make that any and ALL communication, peeing inside, eating inside with the family, shaving, blinking and any and everything else that consists of doing anything involving using energy and burning calories.

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If your man likes beer, (I personally don’t drink beer), get him a case and have it on ice in a cooler next to his favorite chair. Keep in mind, you have to do this without talking.

To help you with proper Father’s Day etiquette,  I’m going to show you all the schedule I have posted on the fridge in my house for Father’s Day…

NOON: Wake up

12:00 – 1:00 P.M: Shower, coffee and Redbull

1:00 P.M: Sit down in my favorite chair out by the garage

1:01 P.M: Turn on the radio

1:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

1:31 – 2:00 P.M: Have lunch (box of chocolate chip cookies and a Redbull)

2:00 P.M: Organize tackle box and practice casting across the front yard

2:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

2:31 P.M: Talk a stroll through the yard

2:45: Light yard waste burn pile on fire

2:50: Kill red ants

3:00 – 5:30 P.M: Nap

5:31 P.M: Pee behind fig tree (mixing it up a bit)

6:00 P.M: Eat Dinner outside by myself (hot wings and apple pie)

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6:30 – 9:00 P.M: Play with some tools in the garage. Randomly cut wood and screw it together for no reason.

9:00 – Midnight: Watch whatever I want for a change

* Remember – to execute this perfectly, there has to be complete silence from you.

And that in a nut shell is what I call the perfect Father’s Day. Now feel free to tweak this to fit your Baby Daddy’s personality, wants and needs, but if you do this, you will have one happy and refreshed man to wake up to the next morning.

However, if none of this will work for your individual situation, you can always buy him a nice grill or smoker.

About the writer

Michael Cavender is a stay at home dad who spends his days teetering on the edge of insanity while trying to find the balance between being a father and best friend to his 2 beautiful girls and his rock star 8 year old son. His blog, daddyfishkins, is full of hilarious pictures and stories of how a former tough guy has been totally humbled by his two precocious daughters and too-smart-for-his-own-good son and forced to reevaluate his opinion of stay-at-home parents and women in general. Find him on Facebook and Twitter.

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Jason 5 months ago

How come sex is not on the list?

6:00am BJ before the kids wake up
6:15 – 7:00 pm do literally anything with the wife and kids

7:00 round 2 sexual romp

7:01 bed

Megan 9 months ago

It’s not unreasonable that he wants to do absolutely nothing all day since we all really want that, but it’s extremely disrespectful to tell your spouse to STFU all day.

Jenna Melendez 1 year ago

Wait till his kids are 15 and don’t care to remember it’s father’s day….that should make him real happy. Enjoy fathers day with your children while they actually enjoy being with you. The teen years are rough and you will miss the home made cards that have been replaced by texts.

Mike J 1 year ago

I need my wife to see this but without me sending it to her.

Jody 1 year ago

Wow! I feel sorry for your family. I don’t know about everyone else but my husband uses a toilet just like other civilized people. What mom ever gets an uninterrupted day of peace and quiet!
If this is satire he should have made it clear because it actually just sounds pathetic.

Meg 1 year ago

How about a quick divorce? Because if my husband spoke of me and my family this way that’s what he would be getting for father’s day!

SLOMO 1 year ago

Cancel all that..a BJ will do :)

Theresa Gonzalez 1 year ago

I’m a SAHM and on my husbands days off he gives me a break by feeding, changing diapers, and even cooks us dinner. He deserves a day similar to this and more frequently. Appreciate your husbands ladies.

Jess 1 year ago

I bet all your husbands want to give you a large glass of STFU as well.

Suzanne Hickey Swain 1 year ago

Oh please ladies, lighten up! It’s one thing to give your guy props it’s another to moan about what is clearly an opportunity to just have a good laugh. We’re all different. And if you don’t want a day of silence … Maybe you just don’t like yourself enough to spend the day with your own thoughts? And if you are unhappy because your spouse doesn’t make your Mother’s Day special the way you would like it to be..ah, duh.. That’s your own damn fault. Either you need to demand it or dump him. You are only as disrespected as you allow. Demand better. Mothers generally take the brunt of the workload… No two ways about it, but that doesn’t mean you crap all over all other dads. It means you demand more from the ones who aren’t doing their part… Peeing in the yard.. Hah sure it’s a bit over the top but again the point was to be sarcastic and funny. Father’s Day not being a father? Well I know a crap load of moms who would like a day off from being a mom. The energy you are wasting on this hate Fest is just wasteful. I can say all this because I used to feel the same way. But that’s because I was miserable about the lack of help I was getting parenting and running the house while also working and volunteering. And then one day I finally realized I was wasting the opportunity to enjoy my life and family. Get yourself together ladies, figure out what you want and need to have a happy family life and make it happen. With the internet you have access to all kinds of positive and useful information. Life is too short to let something meant to bring a laugh into your day get your panties in a knot. Sheesh.

Cynthia Burton 1 year ago

I know it’s a joke post, but yes, already bought the beer and roast and he watches sports and whatever he wants constantly:).

Adrianne Ward Burney 1 year ago

As on Mother’s Day, he won’t get his wish, either. Our 4-year-old will see to that!

Brittany Everly 1 year ago

He’s a stay at home dad. He takes care of his kids. ANY parent that does that deserves a break! If this were a post from a SAHM most would whole-hearted lay agree with it…..except maybe the peeing. What’s up with that? Lol.

Ashley 1 year ago

I understand wanting time to yourself, this is totally different. I appreciate my husband so much more now.

Rachel 1 year ago

All you ladies bitching. He is talking to you. It was a joke. Are people so stupid now that they cannot tell a joke from reality. Get over your butthurt and listen to this man. From the sounds of it I bet your husband would love a day where YOU stfu!

Kim 1 year ago

Pretty sure my husband would be happy with beer, candy, three home cooked meals, two hours to play video games (which he never has time to, gets to play) & a family hike somewhere new.

Which we will do next year. This year I had a baby a week ago. So it’s pretty much not going to be his day. Thankfully he doesn’t mind at all (if our roles were reversed I’d mind!). But he’s a better person than I am. So I’m lucky.

Also: sentimental cards from the kids and me. He’ll get that. And beer.

Leah McAllister 1 year ago

Pretty sure I know what all(most) men want for Father’s Day. And it ain’t on that list. 😉

Caitlin Mary LeClair 1 year ago

Everyone took this way too seriously. Chilllllll out this is hilarious lol.

Laurel 1 year ago

Sarcasm people. Sarcasm.

Sarai Johnson 1 year ago

I see nothing wrong with this. Dude wants a day off. Bet most mums want a day off alone and there wouldn’t be someone slating them. Plus a lot of men do a lot around the house, for their kids, etc. Stop stereotyping, and saying this man is an arsehole just because for one day he wants to be on his own is ridiculous.

Cassandra 1 year ago

LOL I love it, but to many negative people on here :( My husband deserves all of the above, he works his ass off for me and his four daughters, he can piss all over the yard if he wants :)

    Kim 1 year ago

    “He can piss all over the yard if he wants” lol. Glad my husband has no yard pissing inclinations. But I agree with you: if he wanted, he’s deserved it.

KEBMAMA 1 year ago

WOW and some of the men here think the women make them all look like A-holes…satire or not, SAHD or not

Carol Thon Geiger 1 year ago

why do men enjoy peeing everywhere. what are they, great danes?

Jessica Fillion 1 year ago

Ohkay, now that I actually read this instead of just the comments (seriously, sometimes the comments are more entertaining and I can usually get the idea of it.) I would have no problem doing anything requested if I were not a single mom. With that said, I give my oldest sons dad exactly what I get for mothers day regardless if he wants it or not. He gets to have his son an extra day to do everything I do 12 out of every 14 days. Before I became a single mom, he got for father’s day (and every day) what I could only dream of. That big cup of STFU. (Might explain the single mom thing, but he still can’t figure it out.) Father’s day and his birthday are my two most favorite holidays next to Christmas. I get the gift, A DAY OFF! He gets to work overtime since he works graves and by court order has to pick him up right after work and return him no earlier or later than 8pm. Its an hour drive back to his house and then he was to be back to work by 10pm.


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