What Fathers Really Want For Father’s Day

father-being-lazyImage via Shutterstock

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, I thought I would go ahead and open up the secret ‘man vault’ and tell every woman what every man really wants for Father’s Day. It’s not an expensive gift and it’s never sold out in stores. It is, however, the most thoughtful gift you could ever get him, and will provide a lifetime of special memories. A gift that is worth more than your mother’s weight in gold and one that he will remember as the best gift he ever received.

What is this incredible gift? A large cup of shut the fuck up.

That’s it, ladies. We want a day free of nagging, chatting, telling of extremely long stories that could have been summarized in two minutes, screaming kids, chores, errands, having to be awake, having to give up the remote control to the TV to whiny kids, trips down memory lane, any and ALL questions, in fact, make that any and ALL communication, peeing inside, eating inside with the family, shaving, blinking and any and everything else that consists of doing anything involving using energy and burning calories.

If your man likes beer, (I personally don’t drink beer), get him a case and have it on ice in a cooler next to his favorite chair. Keep in mind, you have to do this without talking.

To help you with proper Father’s Day etiquette,  I’m going to show you all the schedule I have posted on the fridge in my house for Father’s Day…

NOON: Wake up

12:00 – 1:00 P.M: Shower, coffee and Redbull

1:00 P.M: Sit down in my favorite chair out by the garage

1:01 P.M: Turn on the radio

1:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

1:31 – 2:00 P.M: Have lunch (box of chocolate chip cookies and a Redbull)

2:00 P.M: Organize tackle box and practice casting across the front yard

2:30 P.M: Pee behind the bushes

2:31 P.M: Talk a stroll through the yard

2:45: Light yard waste burn pile on fire

2:50: Kill red ants

3:00 – 5:30 P.M: Nap

5:31 P.M: Pee behind fig tree (mixing it up a bit)

6:00 P.M: Eat Dinner outside by myself (hot wings and apple pie)

6:30 – 9:00 P.M: Play with some tools in the garage. Randomly cut wood and screw it together for no reason.

9:00 – Midnight: Watch whatever I want for a change

* Remember – to execute this perfectly, there has to be complete silence from you.

And that in a nut shell is what I call the perfect Father’s Day. Now feel free to tweak this to fit your Baby Daddy’s personality, wants and needs, but if you do this, you will have one happy and refreshed man to wake up to the next morning.

However, if none of this will work for your individual situation, you can always buy him a nice grill or smoker.


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    katie says

    Yeah. When I start getting some consideration and a day like that for mother’s day he can have one for father’s day. Pretty much every day ge gets what he wants.

    Show Replies
    • 3


      When does your wife get a day like that? Frankly, on Mother’s Day, I don’t want to be away from my kids – it’s a day that *I* celebrate being a mother by spending it with my kids without other distractions (like whiny husbands who spent 1/4 of the time that I do with our children and do 16th of the work around the house but moan and groan about how put upon they are and that they never have time for themselves – i.e., get over it, buddy).

      Show Replies
  2. 5

    Lola says

    Never mind…the slobby, beer drinking, lazy Father’s Day cards might be a good choice for you;-)But I guess my husband is too sophisticated to call peeing outside 10 times a day, napping and being alone in silent a Happy Father’s Day.He rather spends it with his family.

    Show Replies
  3. 11

    Suzette says

    Yeah… sure. When I get an entire day of doin absolutely nothing with zero communication then so can he. Until that point he can make due with a card, gift, and specially cooked dinner.

    Show Replies
  4. 19

    Becky says

    I’ll stick to the card, breakfast in bed, and trip to Home Depot where he can buy whatever he wants up to a certain dollar amount. When I get a day of doing nothing and actually get a thank you for all that I do, then maybe, but until then, not gonna happen.

    Show Replies
  5. 20

    Jen West says

    After I talk to my friends with crappy husbands I tell my husband he is back on the pedestal. When I read a story like this, it also puts him back on the pedestal. Because other than the nap and peeing in the yard, he would rather not spend the day like this – drinking alone and tinkering pointlessly with wood and screws. He would like to spend time with the little people that give him the title “Daddy.” ;)

    Show Replies
    • 23

      Nikki says

      Yes! I am floored at how pissy people are getting. He’s a stay at home dad who wants some alone time? Just like moms want sometimes? Is it getting people angry because he said it like this, or because he’s a he?

      Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>