This Pregnancy Vs That Pregnancy

57 Comments

second pregnancy

1. The Learning Curve
First Pregnancy: You read every book known to man about pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, environmental toxins, diet and exercise, etc.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You read People magazine in the spare three minutes you get to yourself each day. Hey, you have to find out what Brad and Angelina are up to somehow. Been there. Read that. Whatever.

2. Extracurricular Activities
First Pregnancy: You practice prenatal yoga and water aerobics and take every childbirth and child-rearing class that is offered.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You don’t have time to think, let alone take a class with a bunch of first-time moms who want to talk about what labor is going to be like. It is going to suck. Then it will be over. The end.

3. Nursery Preparedness
First Pregnancy: Everything in your nursery is washed, organized, perfectly matched and ready for baby by the time you hit 25 weeks.
Subsequent Pregnancies: Baby? Oh, crap. I am having another one of those? In a panic, you start doing last-minute preparations for the baby around 39 weeks.

4. Your Diet
First Pregnancy: You make sure that you eat a perfect, balanced diet so the baby will have every advantage from day one.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You eat spare chicken nuggets off your toddler’s plate while cleaning up after dinner and getting ready for bedtime.

5. Your Social Life
First Pregnancy: You still go out with friends and stay out a little later than you want just so they don’t think that having a baby is going to change you.
Subsequent Pregnancies: Short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler’s abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves. You’re pregnant.

6. Diagnosing Mystery Ailments
First Pregnancy: If any little thing just doesn’t feel right, you call your OBGYN.
Subsequent Pregnancies: If anything short of a limb falling off happens, you say it will be fine and keep on moving.

7. Talking/Thinking About Baby
First Pregnancy: You think and talk about your pregnancy 24-hours a day. It is the only thing you can think about.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You think about your pregnancy twice the entire time: Once when the stick shows two lines instead of one, and again when your water breaks and it is time to head to the hospital.

8. Weight Gain
First Pregnancy: You worry about proper weight gain and what you are going to look like after the baby comes.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You supersize everything and get dessert after. Fuck it. You’re going to get stretch marks either way. Why not live a little?

9. Fetal Movements
First Pregnancy: Feeling your baby kick will make you stop what you are doing no matter how important it seemed. This is the miracle of life, people!
Subsequent Pregnancies: When your baby kicks, it is still great and all, but if you were on your way to get a donut, you aren’t stopping to embrace it. It will happen again after the donut. Babies like donuts.

10.  Expectations
First Pregnancy: You think that your baby will be the second coming of Christ.
Subsequent Pregnancies: You know there is a good chance that your baby will be an asshole that will cry for hours on end for no reason and vomit in your hair right after you finally got a spare minute to wash it.

Comments

  1. 1

    Kat says

    Number five nearly made me spit out my tea with laughter. How true! I have to admit, though, that I found myself nodding at all of them. I have a friend who is pregnant for the first time right now and keep wondering if I was that obsessed (yeah, probably was).

  2. 4

    MarySunshine says

    #’s 3, 8, and 9 were me. But most definitely # 3! We were so, “Shit! We need to get this kid’s room together! Gah!”

    Babies love ice cream, too. LOL

  3. 5

    Ginger says

    I am baking my third little bundle in less than 5 years. I couldn’t help snoring with glee at this. I was a little worried my co-workers with their first pregnancies were going to think I’m a heartless jerk for not being as excited as they. The I realized I’m making yet another human. What the heck do I care what they think? Haha! Thank you.

  4. 7

    Ninja Mom says

    Winning line: “Subsequent Pregnancies: Short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler’s abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves. You’re pregnant.”

    Great bit!

  5. 9

    Mama Melch says

    Omg #5!! A 1st timer friend has been asking me about 100 questions a day. I humor her, but am a little freaked now knowing that I was probably exactly the same the first time.

  6. 11

    Natalie M. says

    I am SO glad I was the first in my circle of friends to have a baby. That meant when they all got pregnant, I could just sit back while they attended childbirth classes & read What To Expect like it was 50 Shades of Grey and think to myself, “You fools! You know nothing of this! NOTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

  7. 12

    Natasha says

    Hahahaha! I’ve heard each pregnancy after the first is just a breeze. There are definitely less worries. I only have one, but I know this exactly how it would be for me too if I ever have more. Great post!

  8. 13

    Amanda R says

    Oddly, this made me want to get pregnant again. I’ve got twins & I’ve been thinking I was finished, but those hormones can be a tricksy bitch.

  9. 14

    Tracy in Suburbia says

    this is hilarious and COMPLETELY dead on. You forgot how with number one you boil EVERYTHING. With number two, if it drops on the floor. you gob on it, wipe it on your shirt, and then stick it back in the baby’s mouth.

  10. 15

    Liz says

    I am going through pregnancy number 2 right now and was actually feeling really guilty about not treating this kiddo the same as my first. THANK YOU for letting me know I am a normal scary mommy. Seriously I feel 100 times better.

  11. 17

    Jenny says

    It’s so funny that this is true, that we do this, because I can’t think of much else in life where I’ve been all, “Hey, no worries, I got this” after just one go. I guess after the first pregnancy/baby, it’s the resignation that gets you. I think it’s also that during the 1st pregnancy, most veteran moms are nice enough to just smile and tell you how lovely you look and how exciting it’s going to be. The 2nd pregnancy, when they see you with another kid in tow, they start giving you the knowing look of sucks-don’t-it camaraderie.

  12. 18

    Mary says

    These were too funny. Most of them extremely accurate. I did do a lot of obsessing with my second daughter than with my first. With my first, most of my worries ended once I hit 12 weeks. Then we lost our second baby at 16 weeks. So paranoia was my theme the next time.
    But it’s amazing how that toddler distracts you! With our first, we were decorating her room in neutral decorations (didn’t know the gender). The next one moved into a beige room that was finally painted and decorated about the time of her first birthday.
    Plus I want to know how often those Gerard Butler tickets are offered so I can stand in line.

  13. 19

    Stephanie says

    “It will happen again after the donut. Babies love donuts.” HA!!! This is hilarious and true. Sorry, first-time moms!

  14. 21

    Mandy @ MoneyMasterMom says

    First Pregnancy: You know to the day how far long you are. Wishing your due date would be here already

    Subsequent Pregnancies: You have no clue how far long you are, and give people dirty looks when they ask because it’s a reminder that your due date is getting closer :)

  15. 22

    Erika says

    I’m on my 4th pregnancy (4th boy) right now. Guess what I had for dinner last night: gingerman cookies and vanilla ice cream (kids were not around to witness this btw). #4 all the way! I usually am better than that but with only 6 weeks left I’m really in the screw it and enjoy myself stage. At some point, I should probably pull out all the hand-me-down baby clothes and sort out all the ones that are too puke stained to keep…

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