A Confession To My Friend Without Kids

42 Comments
Friend Without Kids Image via Shutterstock

As a child, anyone can be your friend, even the mean ones. At the park, I watched my son go up to two girls and introduce himself as, “The Green Ninja.” They made some rude comment and ran away from him. My son went about his business and later told me they were his friends.

Then, when you enter school, the fun begins. Finding friends in middle school is like playing musical chairs. When the music stopped you jumped into whatever “clique” you could find just so you weren’t the one left standing. Alone. At the lunch table.

And high school was definitely about getting friends, but the kind with the word boy in front.

In college there were friends, but mostly the kind that would leave you at a bar without telling you because they met another friend. Also, the kind with the word boy in front.

You collect all sorts of friends along the way. Some closer than others. And then you get a little older, get married, and have kids. That’s what I did anyway, and along the way I met you.

Over the years, you have become my dear friend, my closest companion, and one of my few friends without kids. And although we share many thing and have a uniquely honest relationship, there is one thing I have never said to you:

I am so happy you don’t have children.

When I was pregnant at the same time as some of my friends, I was so excited. You think you have solidified instant friends forever for your children and yourself, but what you don’t realize is that sometimes children don’t get along. And I have a son who can be kind of wild and thrives in certain environments better than others. Sometimes, I can’t take him certain places because he has difficulty in situations where he goes into sensory overload. The other thing you don’t realize about hanging out with other moms, besides the main topic of conversation being about saggy boobs and organic baby food, is that you don’t really get to see them that much. Play dates are constantly cancelled because the germ-magnets are sick or the mom is sick because we’ve caught what the germ monsters have spread. Seems like these days kids have a more packed schedule than most adults. They have karate or swim lessons. Family comes from out of town to see them. Kids are like mini celebrities and moms are like their agents.

But you, every baby shower and kids birthday party, you are there. Every bad day, you are the one I call. My children adore you. You understand my son like no other. I get to see you more, and I can tell you the ridiculous parenting decisions I have made and you don’t judge.

Basically, I love you because you are like my clear nail polish.

Did you know that clear nail polish is an awesome thing to have with you at all times? It can stop your shoelaces from fraying. If applied just where the thread meets the button, it can keep your buttons from coming off. It can keep your stockings from running, seal an envelope, tighten loose screws, waterproof matches, and fix window screens. You can coat the bottom of a shaving cream can so it won’t rust and create a circle on your tub. Basically, my friend, you are a lifesaver. Having you around just makes things better. You help me clean up my messes. You have a resolution when things don’t go as planned, and you’re always there if I need to chat.

We’ve been on many adventures together, and you have witnessed me go through the scariest of all ventures; having a husband and children at the same time. You have seen me break down, give up, and want to get lost on purpose. Without you, my marriage would be rusty and my children would be the loose screws. And I would probably be the wet match.

What I’m getting at is that you will (or would) make a great mother one day if that’s the path you choose. But between us, I have to tell you that, for now, I’m glad you don’t have kids. How in the world would I raise my husband without you? I mean my children without you.

Related post: The Code Between Childhood Friends

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    lesbomom says

    I have very few childless friends – but the ones I do – they get me – I love them – and they are often the first to offer kind words when I am in serious need of them.

    Show Replies
  2. 5

    says

    I love this and it’s all very true, but I feel like something important has been left out and it makes the author seem kind of selfish. I see a laundry list of what the friend does for her, for her, for her. I see a lot of the “take” in this relationship, but I don’t see any of the “give”. I’m sure there’s lots of it, but this just reads, to me at least, that the author is more interested in what she gets out of the relationship than what she gets to put into it.

    Show Replies
    • 6

      says

      The writer is listing what her friend has done that she is thankful for.
      It wouldn’t make sense for the writer to give her friend a letter about what SHE does for her friend…. That’s what would sound egotistical. “Hi friend, I’m so amazing because I do this and this for you” Yeah, no…
      This is a lovely blog post and I think it’s wonderful she’s thinking about and praising her friend.

      Show Replies
  3. 7

    says

    Sorry, I have childless friends and I have the no desire to ever call them like this woman. The women I know without children are judgemental people. I can’t trek you how many times the main one has said something along the lines of “I’ll never allow that” and I just want to shake her and scream “you’ll be surprised what you’ll allow!” Yeah I had thoughts and expectations of how my kids better damn well behave before I had them, and then, I became a mom. Lol but to any mom that can be good friends with a childless women, good for you. I wish I could find one cause I’m sure it’s nice.

    Show Replies
    • 8

      childless woman says

      I am childless, not through choice, but through dodgy girly bits. Still trying, but running out of time… I am this friend for a couple of my friends, and I feel sad for you that the childless women in your life are such “judgemental people” (as you put it). Perhaps they make thoughtless statements, perhaps they don’t understand, or perhaps you don’t remember what it’s like to be a childless woman. I work hard to maintain my friendships, & care for my friends no matter what. I support their decisions & offer a shoulder to cry on, or someone to bounce things off. As a childless woman entering my late 30s, I’ll bet I get judged by other woman just as much as you do. I’m sad that you’ve dismissed me and all women like me as unable to contribute to, or understand, your world.

      Show Replies
      • 9

        Beth says

        oh she didn’t dismiss you or all childless women…re-read her last line:

        “I wish I could find one cause I’m sure it’s nice”.

        What any mother-childless or not wants is a dear friend who doesn’t compete with or judge her.

        Show Replies
    • 11

      fran says

      Maybe they just don’t like *your* children?

      Seriously – there’s many reasons why women might not have children, or want children. Let’s not presume it’s because they don’t like children.

      Show Replies
  4. 12

    carol says

    i have one of these and i can honestly say she is my rock …….. always there , never judges and is just one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to know through my entire life …. and may we continue to be a part of each others lives through old age

    Show Replies
  5. 16

    Grace says

    It’s a two-way street, I have no children – by choice – but love them to bits. I can “rent” them from you. I can be a 4-year old, play Batman, “cook” mud, and read stories that I haven’t read since I was 4. And no one judges. Well, unless we read the wrong Curious George, that is.

    Then the best part? You get your sanity day, I get my 4-year old day.

    I give him back jacked on sugar, and adrenaline, and you find him cute again.

    Thank you for those moments.

    Show Replies
  6. 18

    says

    My best childless (free) friend was my birth coach (and held a leg) both times so we have no secrets. My kids adore her, she is awesome and she does not pretend to know how everything should be done. The downside is I do not get to see her enough as she has no kids and thus has a life. LOL!

    Show Replies
  7. 20

    Gail says

    What a nice thing to say! I am the only one of my friends who is unmarried (not by choice) and without kids (also not by choice) and sometimes I feel so left out. Yet I love their children and they totally love me because I never treat them like children. My friends with kids of all ages tell me how much they love hanging out with me. So thank you for making me feel validated. :)

    Show Replies
  8. 21

    Danika says

    My best friend is all of that. He’s who I call when shit hits the fan, who would die for my son if he had to, who understands that as a a mom, I’m not who I was in high school. He is my sons godfather, my husband’s best friend, and the most wonderful and understanding person on the planet. He may be a man, but he’s still my clear nail polish and I love him for that. Unconditionally.

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>