Eating with kids. The picky, whiny bullshit. The constant messes. The tense negotiations for “one more bite”. Whether it’s at home or a restaurant, feeding your kids involves a huge set of potential challenges. Trying to get enough nutrients in them to survive can be incredibly stressful when they fight you at every turn and this topic is rightly fraught with stress and worry. However, it’s also full of moments where looking back, it’s maybe just a little bit funny. That’s what the parents of Twitter focus on in these hilarious parenting tweets about eating with kids. It may not be fun, but it sure can be funny.
1. You’ll do unspeakable things.
I just ate some half-chewed food my son spit onto his plate. Parenting has reduced me to some kind of disgusting bird-man. DON’T LOOK AT ME!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 17, 2015
Before you had kids, the thought of putting another human’s half-chewed food in your mouth was unfathomable yet, here we are. They waste so much freaking food. If it’s not too mangled and slobbery, you know you’ll eat it. You have pretty low standards. This is who you are now. 2. Miraculous how that happens.
Her: Eat your dinner. 5: My mouth hurts. Her: It didn’t hurt when we went for ice cream. 5: Yah, but I wanted that. — Keep Meh & Carry On (@TheAlexNevil) April 10, 2015
Children are totally guileless and just say whatever comes to mind, even if it incriminates them. Such pain for vegetables. But a magical recovery in time for ice cream. Because, of course.
3. It’s a plausible story.
If my 5 year old asks, George Washington died because he wouldn’t eat his broccoli. Back me up on this, I don’t ask for much.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 13, 2015
If this works, not only will we back you up, we will rewrite history and make it so.
4. Speaking of broccoli…
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in. “What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child. — Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 15, 2015
Points for honesty? And creativity. Who ever would’ve thought to describe roasted broccoli that way? Gotta give him a hat tip on this one.
5. A bold move.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked my wife for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 15, 2015
Is there anything more frustrating as a parent? Night after night, you make a wholesome, healthy and delicious dinner only to have it met with total rejection by your littlest family members. And then moments later, come requests for mini muffins and Go-Gurt. Futility, thy name is cooking dinner for kids.
You can lead a toddler to the dinner table, even strap her to a chair, but you can never make her eat. — OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 25, 2015
Despite the sanctimonious assholes claiming “picky eaters are made”, parents know the truth. If your kid is refusing to eat something, there is very little you can do to change their mind. The harder the force, the harder they fight. Best to let go and let wine. For you, not them.
7. Kids are classy.
6yo: I need to fart Me: No, we’re eating 6yo: Ok, I’ll just hold it in with my hand *Farts 6yo: It didn’t work
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 20, 2016
And when they aren’t rejecting everything you cook or spilling milk all over themselves, they’re just being disgusting. Like, unbelievably disgusting.8. The world is their napkin.
Please donate to my GoFundMe to start a line of furniture-shaped napkins for children. — Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) January 16, 2016
You could put a stack of napkins next to them the size of the one you steal from Chipotle to put in your glove box and use as tissues and they’d STILL wipe their fingers on just about anything else around them. It can’t be emphasized enough: kids are fucking gross.
9. The lengths you’ll go are astounding.
“It’s gonna be a great day!” I try to convince myself as I desperately scrape the burnt parts off my kid’s grilled cheese.
— KidsAreDorks (@KidsAreDorks) January 19, 2016
You’ll never feel more alive than when you’re scraping “the icky brown part” off a slightly burnt grilled cheese in a frenzied attempt to make it pass muster with your tiny Gordon Ramsey. What a rush. 10. It always sounds fun at first.
Great Idea: Don’t cook. Take your kids out to dinner. [2 hours later] WORST IDEA EVER: Don’t cook. Take your kids out to dinner. — The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) December 1, 2015
Taking kids to restaurants is a lot like childbirth in that all the horrible and painful moments fade over time and despite your sworn promise the last time your kids were total assholes at The Outback to NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, it starts to sound like a great plan a few weeks later. It’s never a great plan. Trust us.