Everyone knows that when you have kids, you lose sleep. It’s an accepted truth of parenting and we muddle through the tough phases as best we can hoping that one day, we’ll get a solid night’s sleep. In the meantime, there are ways to cope and while coffee is probably the number one antidote, a sense of humor follows closely behind. Like so many other indignities of parenting, if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry. And that’s why these hilarious tweets from the funny parents of Twitter are such a welcome diversion from the hellscape that is parental sleep deprivation.
1. This is diabolical. And genius.
I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 22, 2015
The only thing worse than a kid who refuses to sleep is a kid who refuses to sleep unless they’re snuggled right up to you with one foot in your ass and a few tiny fingers stabbing you in the eye. Do whatever you have to do to keep them out. Now’s not the time for compassion. 2. Goals
I’m gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I’m still watching them.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015
This is literally the smartest idea of all time ever. Shut up and take my money.
3. Oh, the humanity.
Hang tight, I just need to run upstairs really quick and spend three hours begging my toddler to go to sleep.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) August 18, 2015
You’re at their mercy. And they know it. Drinks, night-light adjustments, more books — their stalling tactics are endless but your patience is not. Just keep repeating: it’s only a phase. Or, drink a lot. Whatever. 4. Hello from the other side…of the bed.
I know you need to sleep, but I’m just going to climb into your bed, stretch out like a starfish, and kick you in the face. -my 2 yo
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) April 27, 2015
How? How is a teeny body able to take up more space than a grown adult? While you try to make the best of the sliver of bed your toddler allows, they sleep peacefully in the lap of luxury. While periodically whacking you in the face with their pudgy little arm, of course.
5. No bribe is too ridiculous.
Bribing my kid to take a nap seemed like a good idea but if I don’t have the cast of Frozen here when she wakes up she’s gonna be so pissed.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 27, 2015
In that moment of desperately needing your child to go to sleep, you’ll try anything. The problem is, you have to answer to it when they wake up. Oh well. Worth it. 6. Totally reasonable.
[therapist’s office] Me: I’m gonna take a nap on this couch Therapist: This session is $200 an hour Me: I have 3 kids at home. It’s worth it
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2015
There’s a couch. There’s no kids around. Name your price. We’ll pay it.
7. Their timing is impeccable.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap. KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented. *living room is on fire*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 8, 2015
Whenever you’re about to shut your eyes is when your children will morph into their most demonic and destructive selves. It’s like they know. How the f*ck do they always know!? 8. Speaking of timing..
Me: *gets baby down for a nap* Neighbor: *revving leaf blower* oh hell yeah, let’s do this!
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 9, 2015
Oh, your kid’s down for a nap? Time for the entire neighborhood to mow their lawns, for the UPS guy to ring the doorbell and the dog next door to launch into a 10-minute barking fit! And you thought you were going to catch up on Jessica Jones. Think. Again.
9. At least wait until it’s light out.
7yo: I am so excited about sleeping in tomorrow. Me: Me too! 7yo: I think I’ll probably sleep until SEVEN! Me: *sobs quietly
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) September 4, 2015
It’s amazing how swiftly your definition of “sleeping in” changes after becoming a parent. Amazing. And very sad. 10. This about sums it up.
I have some problems that keep me from getting good sleep. They call me mom.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) November 24, 2015