Happy New Year, parents! It’s that exciting time where some of us set aside the junk food and bad habits and get serious about losing those holiday pounds. Only it’s extra hard. Because we’re parents.
Any exercise we try to do will be thwarted by tiny people begging for attention. If we attempt to eat healthy, we’ll be faced with unfinished plates of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. We’re fucking exhausted just from existing, but now we’re expected to hit the gym five days a week? Moms and dads are automatically set up to fail and no one understands that truth like the funny parents of Twitter.
I get most of my workouts by forgetting stuff upstairs when I’m trying to leave the house.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 16, 2015
I don’t know about you guys, but the older I get, the more this happens. At this rate, I should be a size two by age 40.
2. *chomps Doritos*
*makes daughter wear my Fitbit during her soccer game while I sit on the sideline eating snacks*
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 1, 2016
They literally never stop moving and will think it’s a pretty bracelet, so this is basically a genius plan.
3. Why didn’t we think of this?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) September 24, 2016
That stupid ball. Sitting in the corner of the living room taunting you with how many core exercises you’re not doing. Might as well have a little fun. At your kid’s expense, of course.
4. Shut up, it’s heavy.
Fitness level: Gets winded carrying the laundry basket up the stairs.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 16, 2016
Oh, you don’t get winded carrying a shitload of laundry upstairs? Well aren’t you Jillian Michaels.
5. Eye roll.
Her: I’m excited to have some me-time now that kid is going to school. Gonna join a gym.
Me: [surrounded by junk food&books] Gym. Totally.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) August 11, 2016
If you get a chunk of “me time” and go to the gym instead of eating an entire tray of brownies and bingeing on books I’m not sure we’re compatible as friends.
6. So helpful.
When your kids think they’re working out with you. pic.twitter.com/4F5Lz3Mu46
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 28, 2016
Having an audience of tiny people pinching your back fat and asking you questions is fun while you’re sweating like a beast. Not.
7. Stealthy AF.
My exercise regimen mainly consists of army-crawling out of my kid’s room at night after he falls asleep.
— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) January 11, 2017
This absolutely counts as a workout. The stress alone burns calories.
8. Wrap it up.
My son loves telling me long stories when he’s naked. He’s like those old guys in the gym locker room except stronger & a lot less wrinkly.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 21, 2015
The only thing more excruciating than a naked septuagenarian telling you about their stretching routine is your naked kid telling you about Pokemon.
9. Diets are hard.
I’m so embarrassed. I just dropped my Nalgene water bottle at the gym and Dinty Moore beef stew spilled everywhere.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 29, 2014
You’ve gotta get in those carbs though, amirite?
An exercise video for parents where all the lunges are just you going around the house picking up Capri Sun straw wrappers.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 10, 2016
Just squeeze the gluts as you bend and this is actually a solid workout because kids leave those fucking wrappers everywhere.
11. Putting on socks is hard, though.
*Taking health risk assessment*
HOW OFTEN DO YOU WORK OUT?
*remembers being winded putting socks on in the morning*
— keith (@tchrquotes) October 1, 2015
Even in my best shape, socks were still the worst, so this totally counts as cardio.
Working out at home is basically like the gym except my coach is 4 and likes to whip me with his blanket and beg for snacks while I workout
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) October 19, 2016
And you thought that hardcore dude-bro trainer at the YMCA was tough on you. Meet preschoolers.
13. Is it 1000? Please say it’s 1000.
How many calories do I burn sitting in the gym lobby eating a vending machine cinnamon roll? Bearing in mind I have cute workout clothes on
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 12, 2016
The cute workout clothes definitely up the burn. It’s science.
I’m on the Mom Diet. It’s where I eat partly chewed food, forage for morsels that fell on the floor, and drink beverages with backwash.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 19, 2016
When all you get are the scraps, you’re bound to drop a few pounds. Grin and bear it through the chunks of backwash.
15. Check it off the list.
Motherhood: Where sucking in your gut and tightening your abs while you walk up the stairs counts as your workout for the day.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) May 18, 2016
Bonus points if you swing your arms a little while sucking it in.
16. My kind of workout.
Decided I’m going to go out for a walk to get a little exercise, right after I binge eat these chips and finish this Netflix series.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 11, 2017
Every little bit helps. Consume 3000 calories, burn 300. Math.
17. Sounds about right.
One whole week of working out and the only thing I lost was my FitBit.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 5, 2015
Pretty sure my FitBit’s been under one of the seats in my car since last February. Sigh.
18. They never give up.
I got a serious workout by doing 1,000 reps of putting my toddler back in his bed.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) October 21, 2015
Throw in a few sit-ups and this is a legitimate power workout. Cardio, strength and core. So complete.
19. Shut it, kid.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 12, 2016
They don’t know your struggles. They don’t know that trying to win the prize for your office FitBit step contest is literally the only exciting thing in your life right now.
20. An actual obstacle course.
If by “personal trainer” you mean “endless minefields of toys I must leap over to navigate my house always” then, yes. I have one of those.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 6, 2016
Good luck out there, parents!