It’s summer vacation and every parent knows what that means — welcome to hell.
OK, to be fair, there’s some fun to be had and plenty of benefits. Nicer weather, no homework, no schedules, lots of easy hot dog dinners. But there’s also way more chances for sibling brawls, plenty of dawn wake-ups for no reason and all the whining for snacks and drinks that a little person can muster. Summer is a dream for kids, but can be a nightmare for parents. Luckily, we have the funny moms and dads of Twitter to make us laugh through those sunscreen-streaked tears.
1. LOL forever.
Thinking it'll be easier once school's out for summer is like a pregnant woman thinking things will be easier once the baby is born.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) June 15, 2017
You sweet, innocent dear. Come here. We’ll pour you a wine and tell you the truth.
2. Speaking of wine.
If you're wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2016
Maybe do a quick sweep of the entire house and make sure any recorders and whistles are confiscated. Then plan to ditch the harmonica in the dark of the night. This isn’t the time for messing around.
3. Well la dee da.
Oh, you're sending your kid to a STEM-based camp? That's cool, I'll be spending the summer teaching mine to remember to close drawers.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 24, 2017
Some moms planned ahead and did all they could to enrich their children this summer. Others are just trying to survive. I’m sure you can guess what camp I fall into. Camp. See what I did there?
4. Survival mode on fleek.
2 weeks into summer break and I'm living in my bedroom like it's an army bunker.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) June 14, 2017
Blankets? Check. Phone? Check. Box of Pop-Tarts? Check. Box of wine? Check check. You’re officially ready to stay in your Mom Bunker all summer.
School year: Kids get up it's time for school.
But mom we're so tired!
Summer: 6am: What are we doing today? We are wide awake!!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 28, 2017
Isn’t it funny how they’re suddenly tiny dairy farmers once summer vacation hits? Off to check Amazon for blackout curtains.
6. Time literally stops.
I hate when I've been at home with my kids for 2 months for summer break and it's actually only been 2 weeks.
— Ash (@adult_mom) June 12, 2017
When they’re up at dawn and awake past 9:00 pm because the fucking sun won’t go down it’s easy to feel like you’re on a never-ending odyssey. Better bring wine.
7. *screams internally*
SON: MOMMA TODAY'S THE 1ST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION
SON: HOW ARE U GONNA MAKE IT SPECIAL AND FUN FOR ME
ME: *rubs temples slowly*
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 26, 2017
Oh, you don’t enjoy being an unpaid cruise director who fields nothing but whines and complaints all day? Too bad.
8. He’s not wrong.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can't you?
Me: You're lower to the ground
7: But you're used to doing things that aren't fun
How's your summer going?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 23, 2017
Bet you can’t wait to match wits with your grade schooler all summer. September, please come quickly.
9. Pretty much.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2016
Sunscreen is the single biggest point of contention between me and my kids all summer long. And we’re only a few days in. Each bottle of sunscreen should come with a mini bottle of vodka attached because, oh my god.
10. Groundhog’s Day for moms.
My life now consists of pretending to "watch this" in the pool during the day and washing wet towels at night.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 14, 2017
You’re going to have that Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” look in your eye by summer’s end, but at least your kid will have perfected her shallow end handstands.
11. Nailed it.
My kids have been on summer break for a full day and they've only played with one rusty nail so I'm calling it a success.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 26, 2017
You’ve got to tally your wins where you can. No tetanus boosters needed all summer definitely qualifies.
12. Play like a champion.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I'm hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 12, 2016
It’s all about low expectations. Someone’s kid will bring glory to their family one day, but we’ll settle for everything coming home from YMCA day camp. Except the water bottles. Those disappear into the abyss.
13. Time for more wine.
-Kids on the 4th day of summer break
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 2, 2017
The fourth day is actually pretty good. I got my first “now what” at 10:00 am on Day 1.
It isn't really summer break until everything in your house is summer broken.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) June 23, 2017
Nothing is sacred now. Nothing at all.
Kid's summer schedule:
Fight next to my body in the fetal position
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 21, 2017
If you need us, we’ll be in the fetal position until September.