If there’s one thing kids know how to do (and do well) it’s whine and cry. They come into this world shrieking and all that changes over the years are the reasons and the pitch. Your child whining is like nails on a chalkboard and their cries can be enough to set your teeth on edge. And after a while, they know it.
Whether it’s serving their breakfast on the “wrong” color plate (blasphemous), not letting them press the buttons on the elevator (how dare you!) or making them wear socks (surely there is no God!) kids have whining and crying on lock. Thankfully, the funny parents of Twitter have an endless supply of hilarious tweets about it so we can laugh. While our kids whine and cry.
1. Kids, please explain this.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old who wanted the red spoon.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 22, 2016
The colors of the plates and cups and utensils matter so intensely to a child. I would ask why, but I threw a days-long fit when I couldn’t get the rose gold iPhone. So I’ll just shut up now, kids. Or maybe move over and make some room on the floor for Auntie Val to tantrum with you.
6 (whines): I wanna watch tv
M: Won’t answer if you whine
6 (pouts): I wanna watch tv
M: No pouting
6: I wanna watch tv
M: Much better. No.
— Ye Of Little Meh (@TheAlexNevil) September 8, 2015
Make the whining stop and still manage to have the upper hand? Parenting stealth at its finest.
[two of my four kids burst into tears]
Random lady walking by: Why are you crying, girls?
Me: It’s cute that you think there’s a reason.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2016
Reasons? They don’t need reasons. Hell, they don’t even need to be upset! I’ve seen toddlers go from happy happy joy joy to sobbing like the world is about to end in the blink of an eye. They’re super stable.
4. Just put them on, for the love of God.
Did you ever think crying about socks would be a thing?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2015
Wrong color. Wrong style. They have a wet spot. There’s a lumpy thing near the toes. Bet you had no idea how controversial socks could be until you had kids.
5. It is immutable fact.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) June 1, 2016
An experienced parent can even predict the exact timing and cadence of the laughing and the crying. After a while, you just know.
6. How dare you.
My son is crying outside my house because I’m forcing him to ride his bike.
Welcome to parenting in 2016.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 24, 2016
You made him go outside? And put down his iPad? And actually move? Gross. There has to be an app for that.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) June 1, 2016
It’s definitely frowned upon to try to make your kid shop around for a new mom. But after enough whining? Never say never, that’s all I’m saying.
8. And sometimes, it’s totally your fault.
“When I’m big I’ll be a taxi driver” “Well, by then robots will drive cars” Now he’s sad and hates robots, and that’s why I’m a crappy dad
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 5, 2013
Next time, let them ask Siri. She can be the villain who crushes all their hopes and dreams.
9. Someone start a GoFundMe.
The syrup on my 4 year old’s pancake is too sticky. Pray for him.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 28, 2016
The syrup is too sticky and the water is probably too wet. Honestly, can parents get anything right?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 5, 2015
There is absolutely no differentiation. Either you’re spending the night in the emergency room or finding them a Shopkins sticker where Sneaky Sally’s face isn’t torn off. It’s anyone’s guess.
11. No flexibility whatsoever.
“I don’t want to sleep, or eat, or be held. I just want to cry-scream while I clutch your legs.”
-Toddlers. All the fucking toddlers.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) April 28, 2016
You have to give them props for their tenacity? I guess?
12. The worst brand of whining of all.
5yo is sitting amid an absurd collection of toys, whining that he has nothing to play with.
Give me a flamethrower so I can make him right.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 3, 2016
There’s something beyond satisfying about that mental picture.