Father’s Day is this weekend and in honor of that momentous occasion, we’re celebrating the men in our lives. That’s right. This week’s tweets are all from the funny dads of Twitter. And boy do they deliver.
Whether it’s sharing their fatherly “wisdom” with their kids or pulling some discipline moves us moms probably never would have considered, dads have that extra special way of doing things. And this weekend is all about them. Here are some of our favorite funny dads on Twitter with some thoughts on being a dad. Funny thoughts, of course.
1. Dad skills so strong.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 11, 2015
Even a grizzly bear is no match for a determined dad who wants to impart some knowledge.
2. Effective as hell.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 13, 2013
They get an “A” for effort, right? Well, no. Because God knows moms don’t. But at least they’re trying?
3. They can fit the whole world in those shorts.
You can tell a dad’s age by the number of pockets on his cargo shorts.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 6, 2016
What is it with dads and cargo shorts? It’s like the moment they become a parent, they feel the need to wear everything they own on their person. Or at least to have the option if they choose. Whatever, dads. You do you.
4. No request is too ridiculous.
Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?
— LJ (@LionJenkins) December 3, 2015
Of course he will. Dads love a challenge.
90% of parenting is just apologizing to people your kid walks into
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 23, 2015
Somebody has to do it. Dads are like, the clean-up guys.
do a golf swing at some point during every conversation so people know you’re a dad
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) December 27, 2014
They practically give you a set of clubs on your way out of the hospital and about 80% of Father’s Day gifts are golf-themed. Play the part. It’s the least you can do.
7. The pinnacle of Dad Jokes.
12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Me: Goodnight, son.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 29, 2014
And later in life, the kid will look back on that joke fondly. Only a dad could get away with such awesomely hilarious cruelty.
8. Teaching life’s lessons the hard way.
Me: Son sometimes you have to learn from your mistakes.
4: Daddy I gave you that candy to hold for me.
M: Yes, and that was a mistake.
— I Was A Fool For Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 29, 2014
Moms might hide in the closet to eat their treasured chocolates, but dads torture in broad daylight. Honestly, us moms could learn a thing or two from their more brazen approach.
9. They can’t be glamoured.
My 3-year-old hugged me out of the blue and said, “I love you, Dad.”
If you need me, I’ll be searching the house for whatever she broke.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2016
Moms will fall for that sweetness and melt into their tiny 3-year-old without a single shred of suspicion. Dads are a bit…different.
10. They don’t ask for much.
“And on the 7th day God made it rain and thy kids’ soccer was canceledeth, and life was super awesome.” – 4:12 from the Book of Sports Dad
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 22, 2016
They don’t need flowers and elaborate brunches and gifts. Just cancel one god damn practice. That would be enough.