“Kids say the darnedest things” is a saying for a very good reason. Because they do. Well, if “darnedest” also covers embarrassing, terrifying, hilarious and totally outlandish, that is.
Mostly, the stuff kids say is funny and entertaining and in a way, it’s a pay-off for all the other indignities they force us parents to endure. For the low, low price of never sleeping again and having no disposable income, at least your kids will provide you with many laughs because of the never-ending stream of ridiculous shit they say. And of course, the funny parents of Twitter are letting everyone else in on the fun by tweeting their kids’ greatest hits. And for that, we are grateful.
1. Points for honesty?
4: What did I earn for being good today?
Me: My love and affection.
4: [cries] I don’t want that!
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 1, 2016
A recurring theme with “shit kids say” is that there’s absolutely no filter whatsoever. They say exactly what they’re thinking. Even if it stabs you directly in the heart.
2. Inquiring minds want to know.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) January 23, 2016
Plenty of adults have probably wondered why vodka can’t come out, so why not juice?
My 4yo has never said “great” non-sarcastically. Pretty sure he just thinks it’s a negative word.
I’m a great dad.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 20, 2015
Probably the worst part about things kids say is hearing ourselves in their tiny, innocent, possibility-filled voices. And having it be something far less than wonderful.
4. No filter. Literally. None.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) June 3, 2016
Know how you have those flashes of the most horrifically humiliating thing that could possibly happen to you? Have kids. It will all come true.
5. Once in awhile, they blurt out pure wisdom.
5: I’ma marry Noah.
5: He’s handsome and I like his shirt.
Me: Looks aren’t everything.
5: He likes to clean too.
Me: Lock that in.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) January 26, 2016
Sometimes, your kids will figure out shit you didn’t realize until halfway through your 30s. It’s these moments where you’ll feel most confident that you’re doing this whole parenting thing right.
6. And then, they turn our own jokes on us.
My 11 year old son wrote this joke: ‘When is it the right time to tell your mother she was adopted?’
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) June 16, 2016
Thanks, buddy. Thanks a whole lot.
7. They grow up so fast.
6: Daddy, I’m mad at you.
Me: What for?
6: I’m not telling you.
She’s already a woman.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) March 3, 2016
They pick up more from listening to us than we think. And that’s rarely a good thing.
8. Your greatest wish turns into your worst nightmare.
When your kid is a baby: “I can’t wait til they learn to talk!”
When your kid is 2+: “OMG ENOUGH, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.”
— Ramblin’ Mama (@ramblinma) June 1, 2016
Once they learn to talk, you’ll wonder why you ever wished with all your might that they’d stop babbling and say real words.
9. Can we elect this one president?
Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework. They are the worst of all the inventors.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 15, 2016
Us parents are thinking certain things all along. It’s especially funny when our kids climb aboard our train.
10. It sounds pretty horrific, to be honest.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) March 19, 2013
One great thing about kids is how literally they take every single thing they hear.
“I wish there was a Martin Luther King, Jr. cereal.”
-my culturally sensitive 6 y/o son
— I Was A Fool For Meh (@TheAlexNevil) January 18, 2016
12. Well then.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
And then there are those moments where you wonder if you should maybe be sleeping with your bedroom door locked.
13. Try to hide your laughter.
7yo(to 10yo brother): You’re just a little BITCH!
Me: Whoa, hey! Sit down! Do you even know what that means?
7yo: No. But I know he is one!
— keith (@tchrquotes) August 28, 2015
Sometimes, it’s hard to conceal your joy when one of your offspring spouts out such a well-placed curse word you wonder if he might be the second coming of George Carlin. You’ve gotta be proud.
14. Sometimes, they have no chill.
4yo: What happens if your phone goes in the potty?
4yo: Never mind.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) September 2, 2015
There aren’t many things funnier than a naive and innocent child incriminating himself.
15. Mind. Blown.
The Girl: Why would someone dress like a hamster?
Me:…. Do you mean hipster?
Girl: What’s the difference?
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) September 24, 2015
And now I’m just picturing a guy in a fedora with a Trader Joe’s reusuable shopping bag running on a hamster wheel while frantically adjusting his skinny jeans.
Happy Weekend, Parents!