Most of us are reasonable. We aren’t wanting or expecting worship (full disclosure, I’m wanting and expecting at least a little worship) but a day without wiping asses or cutting someone else’s food or hauling the diaper bag would be really nice. Hopefully, that’s the kind of day we get.
But realistically? Things will disappoint us and shit will go wrong. That’s why it’s a relief that the funny parents of Twitter can keep us laughing through the strife. Our husbands and kids might make us roll our eyes, but these hilarious tweets about Mother’s Day can turn those frowns upside down. So can mimosas.
1. Gonna go with before 9 am.
Now taking bets on what time this Sunday I first utter the words, “Mother’s Day, my ass.”
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 8, 2015
We don’t get a whole day. Let’s just work through our rage about it now.
2. This is an honest assessment.
When you have little ones, it’s not really Mother’s Day…it’s more like Mother’s 22 minutes to an hour, tops.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) May 2, 2016
Once the husband and kids are over the novelty of serving Mommy breakfast and giving her some lovely flowers, things will quickly return to business as usual. 22 minutes might be a generous estimate, to be honest.
3. Low standards are key.
A peaceful poop.
My mother’s day wish.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) May 11, 2014
A poop without having to simultaneously refasten the hands on your daughter’s Monster High doll or referee a fight happening outside the bathroom door would be amazing. Truly.
4. Mostly worth it. Mostly.
You too can be the proud recipient of a new popsicle stick frame every May for the low low price of total vagina destruction.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) May 4, 2016
Oh, you made me something out of wood and glue? I had bladder prolapse because of you! A fair trade, no doubt.
5. It’s probably smart.
Mother’s Day is coming up. You guys find your hiding places yet?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 28, 2015
Because this day is so fraught with emotion and expectation, any smart spouse will make himself scarce. But if he’s really smart, he’ll take the kids with him.
6. And no court would convict you.
Me: …and then he said, “Why would I get you something for Mother’s Day? You’re not MY mother.”
Judge: You’re free to go.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 9, 2015
My husband pulled this once when our daughter was a baby. Once.
7. Because it’s inevitable.
For every butt wiped, a glass of wine shall be consumed.
~Mother’s Day Commandment
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 10, 2015
It’s going to happen. Might as well turn it into a drinking game.
8. Hashtag: humblebrag.
Mother’s Day is a great day to relax and make sure you prove how much your kids love you on social media
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) May 4, 2016
Because if we don’t tell Facebook our “kids” got us a spa gift certificate and a dozen roses, does it even count?
9. We’re gracious like that.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 10, 2015
All diva-like whining aside, we are grateful for their efforts. However loud they may be.
10. The final insult.
Mother’s Day to-do list:
1. Make reservations for own brunch
2. Buy own present
3. Prepare for Mother’s Day glory to be usurped by MiL
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 2, 2016
In case your husband and kids didn’t make you feel under-appreciated enough.
11. Bottoms up.
Mother’s Day is my favorite drinking holiday.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 9, 2015
Happy Mother’s Day!