The Funniest Parents Of Twitter On The Reality Of Sex After Kids – Scary Mommy

The Funniest Parents Of Twitter On The Reality Of Sex After Kids

It’s one of the most joked about parenting tropes. And sadly, that’s because it’s true. Your once fulfilling sex life won’t stop entirely once you have kids (fingers crossed!) but it definitely changes. If only temporarily.

That’s because even the most dedicated-to-the-deed couples will have slumps after becoming parents. When you never sleep, have a person all over your boobs all day and are constantly coming into contact with someone else’s poop, it can be hard to get in the mood. And that’s where the funny parents of Twitter swoop in to make you laugh about the sad situation that is sex after kids.

1. That one time tho…dayum.

It removes all doubt of your bedroom prowess. At least that one time.

2. There are many levels of pleasure.

Parenting means that eating the chocolate cereal in peace is akin to an earth-shaking orgasm.

3. ‘Yonce, you’re our only hope.

Maybe we aren’t always Drunk in Love, guys. Sometimes, we just want to be left the hell alone.

4. The ultimate Hail, Mary.

Hurry up and score with all kinds of noise and distraction but like, no pressure!

5. Sexy AF.

It’s all about setting the mood. And making sure a little digger doesn’t go up your ass.

6. Don’t you dare.

And nothing helps bring the mood back like saying, “You better plan on folding that all over again,” through gritted teeth. It gets no hotter.

7. Knives go business side DOWN.

He’ll never admit it, but he loves this brand of guidance.

8. Those socks tho.

And if it’s real love, he pats her thigh saying, “No, baby…leave the socks on.”

9. Yeah, no.

All those batteries? They power our Fisher Price baby casino’s worth of noisy light-up toys. Sigh.

10. Does that count?

Sometimes, parents are like ships in the night when it comes to sex. Or like slimy strangers at a super busy water park. Gag.

11. There’s nothing hotter, tbh.

Mmmm…yes, honey. Tell me again how we won’t have to use a highway rest stop bathroom because of your forethought and planning. 

12. It’s just good sense.

I mean, if not now, you’ll forget and it will sit in the washer until morning. No mom would blame you.

13. Kinky.

By the time you get to “Valances: Aren’t These Nice?” He should be ready to roll.

14. Ew.

Sorry. There’s just no coming back from that. RIP, sex.