You know those parents you hate? Not the ones you really hate, whose kids bully yours or are the cause of hours worth of tears and angst; I mean the ones you kind of hate. The mother who looked at you with scorn after learning your cupcakes came from a box. The ones who pay ten dollars a tooth making your tooth fairy look like a cheapskate. The smug, think they’re perfect and try to rub it in your face every chance they can parents. The ones who deserve to be kind of hated.
You’d never wish harm upon those parents – of course not! – but they do have it coming. And you’re going to passive aggressively give it to them, in the form of seemingly innocent gifts for their offspring.
I present you with a selection of thoughtful gifts which, while kids will love, are also sure to piss those children’s parents off completely. Which makes them absolutely perfect…
Summer’s fad is still going strong, and even if they already have one loom, they can make even bigger and better bracelets with a second. It’s a creative gift both boys and girls will love, but who is going to be picking up rubber band after rubber band after rubber band for the rest of her thankless life? Their mother, that’s who.
And it will drive her batshit fucking CRAZY.
$20.69 on Amazon
What’s worse than rubber bands everywhere? Lego’s of course, especially at 3AM as any parent who has ever stepped full force on one will attest. The secret to picking the most annoying Legos is to get a set aged at least 3 years older than the child it’s intended for. This way, not only will you inflict sure-fire physical pain on the parent, but you’ll also gift the annoyance of having to spend an hour assembling a toy that their child will dissolve into tears over any time it comes apart. As it’s made to do.
Available at Toys”R”Us
Kids of all ages will entertain themselves for hours listening to their voice change completely. Their parents will have to listen, not only to their children’s endless chatter, but to eight other voices of endless chatter, too. Merry Christmas!
$11.67 on Amazon
Gifting a one pound jar of glitter, commonly known as the herpes of the art world, would be a tad too obvious, so mask it in an elaborate art set. Throw in some paper, scissors and glue, knowing that although the paper will soon be recycled, the glitter will live on forever within the carpet fibers and air ducts of the home.
Available at any crafts store
Musical Hand Bells
Gifting another child with a musical instrument is the artistic equivalent of giving a child a live goldfish as a carnival prize: You just don’t do it. That is, unless your intent is to piss the parent off. A lovely bonus with these is the fact that bells are often used to get service, inspiring an endless string of “ding, dong, I need a snack!” and “ding, dong, I’m bored!”
$35.48 on Amazon
Even worse than its sister Play-Doh, Moon Dough never dries out. So, you have the mess of Play-Doh, the annoyance of Play-Doh and the evidence of Play-Doh on your walls, couch and carpet… FOREVER.
$49.99 on Amazon
Build-a-Bear Gift Certificate
Your $25 gift may buy the actual bear, but the parent will be stuck accessorising that bear in pure bear hell. A bear cheerleader! No, a fireman. No, a football star!! A doctor! A dentist! A cowgirl!!! The debate will go on for hours, over every detail right down to the bear’s toes. Best of all, it will almost certainly end in tears unless the parent is prepared to pay a hundred bucks in extras like glasses, roller skates and crutches. So, you’ve either inflicted a tantrum of epic proportions on them in the middle of a an over-crowded shopping mall, or caused them to spend a small fortune just to shut their kid up. Win!
Available on buildabear.com
Be Amazing Gravity Goo
This chemistry kit requires adult supervision, which is bad enough, but it also results in the creation of goo. Goo, the nasty snot like crap that proves just how dirty ones house really is by providing the indisputable evidence of dog hair, dust and God knows what else stuck to the sticky mystery gunk.
$8.99 on Amazon
Remember how absolutely maddening the Rubik’s Cube was? The 360 is even more frustrating, with balls needing to fit within spheres and refusing to stay put as you try to maneuver the others. Meltdown, 100% guaranteed.
$25.74 on Amazon
A Collection of Joke Books
Want to know what’s more annoying than a kid telling stupid jokes, the punch line to which they don’t understand? Nothing, that’s what.
Available in the recycling bins of parents everywhere
Of course, you could always go the annoying as hell battery operated toy route. If you do, just be sure to forget the batteries. Obviously!