Passive Aggressive Gifts For Kids of Parents You Hate

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You know those parents you hate? Not the ones you really hate, whose kids bully yours or are the cause of hours worth of tears and angst; I mean the ones you kind of hate. The mother who looked at you with scorn after learning your cupcakes came from a box. The ones who pay ten dollars a tooth making your tooth fairy look like a cheapskate. The smug, think they’re perfect and try to rub it in your face every chance they can parents. The ones who deserve to be kind of hated.

You’d never wish harm upon those parents – of course not! – but they do have it coming. And you’re going to passive aggressively give it to them, in the form of seemingly innocent gifts for their offspring.

I present you with a selection of thoughtful gifts which, while kids will love, are also sure to piss those children’s parents off completely. Which makes them absolutely perfect…

rainbow loom

Rainbow Loom

Summer’s fad is still going strong, and even if they already have one loom, they can make even bigger and better bracelets with a second. It’s a creative gift both boys and girls will love, but who is going to be picking up rubber band after rubber band after rubber band for the rest of her thankless life? Their mother, that’s who.
And it will drive her batshit fucking CRAZY.
$20.69 on Amazon

 

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Lego’s
What’s worse than rubber bands everywhere? Lego’s of course, especially at 3AM as any parent who has ever stepped full force on one will attest. The secret to picking the most annoying Legos is to get a set aged at least 3 years older than the child it’s intended for. This way, not only will you inflict sure-fire physical pain on the parent, but you’ll also gift the annoyance of having to spend an hour assembling a toy that their child will dissolve into tears over any time it comes apart. As it’s made to do.
Available at Toys”R”Us

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Multi-Voice-Changer-1-e1322852525434

Voice Changer
Kids of all ages will entertain themselves for hours listening to their voice change completely. Their parents will have to listen, not only to their children’s endless chatter, but to eight other voices of endless chatter, too. Merry Christmas!
$11.67 on Amazon

 

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glitter_flakes

 

Glitter 
Gifting a one pound jar of glitter, commonly known as the herpes of the art world, would be a tad too obvious, so mask it in an elaborate art set. Throw in some paper, scissors and glue, knowing that although the paper will soon be recycled, the glitter will live on forever within the carpet fibers and air ducts of the home.
Available at any crafts store

 

bells

Musical Hand Bells
Gifting another child with a musical instrument is the artistic equivalent of giving a child a live goldfish as a carnival prize: You just don’t do it. That is, unless your intent is to piss the parent off. A lovely bonus with these is the fact that bells are often used to get service, inspiring an endless string of “ding, dong, I need a snack!” and “ding, dong, I’m bored!”
$35.48 on Amazon

 

moon dough

Moon Dough
Even worse than its sister Play-Doh, Moon Dough never dries out. So, you have the mess of Play-Doh, the annoyance of Play-Doh and the evidence of Play-Doh on your walls, couch and carpet… FOREVER.
$49.99 on Amazon

 

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Build-a-Bear Gift Certificate
Your $25 gift may buy the actual bear, but the parent will be stuck accessorising that bear in pure bear hell. A bear cheerleader! No, a fireman. No, a football star!! A doctor! A dentist! A cowgirl!!! The debate will go on for hours, over every detail right down to the bear’s toes. Best of all, it will almost certainly end in tears unless the parent is prepared to pay a hundred bucks in extras like glasses, roller skates and crutches. So, you’ve either inflicted a tantrum of epic proportions on them in the middle of a an over-crowded shopping mall, or caused them to spend a small fortune just to shut their kid up. Win!
Available on buildabear.com

 

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Be Amazing Gravity Goo
This chemistry kit requires adult supervision, which is bad enough, but it also results in the creation of goo. Goo, the nasty snot like crap that proves just how dirty ones house really is by providing the indisputable evidence of dog hair, dust and God knows what else stuck to the sticky mystery gunk.
$8.99 on Amazon 

Rubiks_360

Rubik’s 360
Remember how absolutely maddening the Rubik’s Cube was? The 360 is even more frustrating, with balls needing to fit within spheres and refusing to stay put as you try to maneuver the others. Meltdown, 100% guaranteed.
$25.74 on Amazon

joke-book

 A Collection of  Joke Books 

Want to know what’s more annoying than a kid telling stupid jokes, the punch line to which they don’t understand? Nothing, that’s what.
Available in the recycling bins of parents everywhere

 

Of course, you could always go the annoying as hell battery operated toy route. If you do, just be sure to forget the batteries. Obviously!

Comments

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    • 2

      Laura says

      We got some of that moon dough stuff when my kids were little. Pulled it out for the first time a few weeks ago, drove my husband crazy! he tried to trash it, but it was rescued by my 13 year old niece, to continue the torture in another house.

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  1. 5

    metoo says

    Teehee I already got my shopping done….a pink Barbie guitar for my darling niece for who I just love LOVE her parents…it plays randomly “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world”…..so friggin fantastic imo. HOHOHO

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  2. 7

    says

    This list literally made me cringe through the entire thing. Thank you for starting with the only one by which I'm subjected to torture (the Rainbow Loom), it made this article the most painful thing I've read all week. Also, thank you for all the new ideas!

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  3. 9

    Kelly says

    The game Doggy Doo
    Finger Paint
    Easy Bake Oven
    Orbeez
    Firetrucks/ambulances/police cars w/ working sirens
    Learn-to-crochet kit

    I’ve been a mother for 15yrs. Plenty of shitty gifts received and given. Better to give than receive!!!

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  4. 11

    Stephanie says

    Word of caution when gifting these much hated gifts…they can come back to bite you in the ass later. I gave someone Moon Dough for their kids b-day and the next year they gave us….POLLY-FING-POCKETS. Satan’s tiny version of Barbie’s but so much worse. They are sooooooo tiny that my 5 year old cannot get the clothing on without tears and gnashing of teeth so I end up having to “play with them”. They also have so many damn pieces that are the size of a baby’s toenail that you need tweezers to play with them. We only have a little starter set and it is slowly being thrown away “accidentally” or vacuumed up with glee when she is not looking.

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    • 12

      Mom22Tweens says

      OMG! I remember when my girls were into those hideous things. If they weren’t shrieking over the impossibility of putting on those microscopic clothes, they were bawling because they lost that “special” shoe or pinhead sized handbag!

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    • 13

      Chantelle says

      Oh god, polly pockets!!! My SIL found an enourmous tub of those damn things that she had acquired over the years and graciously passed them along to my daughter. I SERIOUSLY HATE THOSE DAMN THINGS! Hahaha

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  5. 15

    Kate says

    My brother gave my kids that voice changer thing last Christmas. The first words out of my mouth were “Did I do something to make him hate me???” Most annoying toy ever.

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    • 16

      kati says

      Yeah, my MIL got my boys one of the voice changers this summer. 2 days later, it mysteriously disappeared-I’m hoping they don’t find it before I have a chance to regift it or sell it on craigslist

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    • 18

      Carrie says

      Oh god noooooo! :( My husband found one of those on clearance at Walmart and bought it for our 2nd daughter’s 1st birthday. It came with eight. Wanna know how many I have now? One. ONE. There was also the kitchen my parents bought 2 yr old DD for Christmas, it came with 50 pieces and now I have no clue where they’ve gone. I’m pretty sure they’ve disappeared into toy hell.

      Anything with a multitude of pieces is a sure way to piss people off.

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  6. 19

    Sima says

    THIS is why I love Scary Mommy. I would only change the handbells to “any musical or noisy toy.”

    I’m ok with Legos now that I view them as a career development toy; my son has recently announced that his perfect job would be “Lego Engineer.”

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  7. 21

    says

    It's probably weird but I really want some of this stuff. The only ones I wouldn't want for my kids are the build a bear gift card, moon dough, and the goo. I'm a freak I know. I actually like noisy toys and I'm still infatuated with glitter, always loved it. I just got my kids fine glitter, which is worse than regular glitter.

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  8. 22

    Caroline Horne says

    I don’t have children and don’t dare to, my siblings have waaaaaay to much to get back at me for. Drums, pianos, fingerpaints, chemistry sets, sea monkeys… the list is long and unforgivable :-)

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    • 23

      Brit says

      You sound like my youngest sister, lol. Myself and the middle sister each have a kid(7 and 5 years old currently) and so she takes pleasure in buying crazy noisy things for any occasion she can. Or she’ll take one of them over night, take them to the dollar store and let them buy $20 worth of cheap crappy toys that break right away so then the kids get upset. We keep reminding her that someday it’ll be her turn and then we’re getting her back. :-)

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  9. 24

    Pam Palmer says

    A product always around the house and children love it,right before it's time for the ex to get visitation hype that child up!my son loved brown sugar and peanut butter is healthy bake cookies extra's for the ex "chocolate flavored laxative batch" for the road.Good thing I'm a nice person

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  10. 25

    Pam Palmer says

    Heather I encouraged my parents to buy the drums,harmonicas,guitars w/amps,I still dream of getting drums before my hands and arms won't allow it so I guess that makes us both freaks LOL

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  11. 27

    Debbie says

    As a grandmother i like to give them the ones that make a lot of noise. It is my pay back. They always look at me and say, “Mom realllly.” And of course I do give them the batteries to make sure it is going to make the noise.
    The voice changer, never heard of that one. Being the grand parent hey this is a good idea. Love it
    Thanks Jill.
    Debbie

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