Having a girl is hard. I mean, mine isn’t even six yet; she’s years away from puberty, and it’s still hard…
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I have issues with food. I am beginning a diet for the 397th time on Monday. The Monday after Thanksgiving, as I have every year that I can recall. I aspire to again fit into my skinny-ish jeans. Not the skinny jeans that I wore in college or the even skinnier ones I wore the months leading up to my wedding, but the skinny-ish ones I wore after I had Evan. Before that, I was at my smallest weight ever months during the months after Ben was born. His hospital fridge was stocked with Enfmail and Slimfast. I was motivated. I was ready. And I got there, but just couldn’t maintain it. It’s actually the reason I went off of birth control pills; the notion of being able to eat again over-rod my fears of having another child. A year before that, I intentionally got pregnant with Ben to be pregnant during my college roommate’s wedding. Being the knocked up bridesmaid was far preferable to being the heaviest one.
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Lily refuses to wear flowy clothes. She claims they make her look “flat” and by “flat” she means “fat” and it’s tragic and funny all at once. She’s not even six years old for crying out loud.
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When I was about ten, I stole a candy bar from a supermarket. I clumsily shoved it in my pocket while an off duty security guard watched and reported it my parents who were mere feet away. I know they were concerned: What deep-seeded issues did I have? Did I need therapy? Have an eating disorder? What should they do? Nothing, I thought. I just wanted a fucking candy bar.
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Lily has been sneaking food from home. I find wrappers under the bed and smell chocolate on her breath. I see myself in her and it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to be like my parents and limit junk food so rigidly that it becomes an obsession, but I feel like she needs strong boundaries. She’s built like a dancer and probably will never have the issues with weight that I do, but I want to do right by her. I am determining a life-long relationship with food for her, and the responsibility overwhelms me.
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Being a girl is hard.
Having a girl is even harder.
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It is too hard. And I think it’s harder now than it was when we were little. I’m going to send a little hug your way for your feelings about yourself as well, though.
Lovely, lovely, lovely post.
Mwa´s last blog ..Everything looks prettier without cynicism
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{{{{{Jill}}}}} This post was kind of heartbreaking. Do you have any idea WHY she’s spiriting goodies away to her room? Is she allowed to eat in her room? That’s a no-no in my house. Kitchen is the only place I allow the girls to eat. But then again, my girls are both very thin… at least for now. That’s how I was as a child and now I’m the size of a blimp.
Justine :o )
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Scary Mommy Reply:
November 29th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I know. It was SO HARD to write. Not sure what her motivation is, and I don’t want to make a huge deal of it. She’s not allowed to eat in her room, but I’m lax about eating in places other than the kitchen- the playroom, family room etc…
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I totally agree with you! My step-daughters fret over any weight gain – and they are as big as my left leg. But even my boys weigh themselves constantly and I worry. Once I realized all the talk we had in the house about weight, I threw the damn scale away. It has been good for me and good for them.
Great post about a very important topic.
Beth´s last blog ..Them’s fightin’ words
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It’s not just girls. I have a friend whose son is going through this right now at 12 and it’s scary. Almost all the help out there is aimed at girls so there is help, you just have to reach out.
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I get it. I am a recovering anorexic and I worry everyday about my daughter. I do my best to not mention my weight in front of here. To let her seem me eating healthy and balanced meals and to let her know that mommy runs to be healthy, not skinny. It is so hard an I hope I can raise her to lover herself like I wish I could!
Twitter: PBinmyHair
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Food is such a challenging thing in this age of plenty in which we live. Biologically we’re wired to eat whatever’s available, whenever it’s in front of us, since once upon a time in human history that’s what was required to survive. Circumstances have changed (for many of us, anyway), but evolution is slow.
It seems to me there’s a close link between attitudes about food and attitudes about sex. In my view, both are wonderful, pleasurable, satisfying, and absolutely necessary components of being a happy human. But both can so so terribly wrong if abused or approached in an unhealthy way.
Sorry to say I have no useful input on how to approach your daughter. Your head seems to be in the right place about the path you want to set her on, but how to execute that? No clue. I do think the most powerful tool we have with our kids is our own example, but you seem keenly aware of that already.
Good luck.
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I can SO relate. To everything. ((HUGZ!!))
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)´s last blog ..Quotable Sunday – First Day of Advent: Hope
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–>I used to hide junk food in my room as a child only because I didn’t want my older brother and sister to eat it first. Just a thought…
~deb
WebSavyMom´s last blog ..A Favorite Thing – Dancing Naked Lady Glasses
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Hi there, I just stopped over from Vodka Mom’s. She’s right, this is a terrific post.
Being a girl is hard. Does it ever get easier? I’m starting the same Monday after Thanksgiving diet as you. Ugh.
I’ll be back again soon.
jj
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Having a daughter scares the crapola out of me. Because I? Have a ridiculously awful body image…and go on a diet almost as often as I open my mouth to consume some chocolate.
I’m trying to teach myself not to bash myself in front of her…but it’s hard.
Good luck. You’ll find your way. We all will. Right?
amber´s last blog ..Can a Mama Get Some Help?
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I agree. When Kendall was younger, we used to shower together in the morning (we have a double shower), and I was very conscious of modeling acceptance of my body (even though I am actually pretty critical of my body.) I felt it important, and I’m glad I modeled acceptance, because she has her sht together in that regard. Conscious parenting makes a difference.
Mrs4444´s last blog ..Sundays in My City
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That is so terribly young. I feel for you.
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Hard to feel for ya when there are so much tears in my eyes… but my heart goes out to you. Honest. :)
San´s last blog ..Fun With My 2yo Boy
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Great post and discussion. Sounds tough. The gals in my family certainly noticed mom’s diets, and took away some emotional eating etc form that… I have a pretty good body image and feel reasonably slender[ish] at size 12. I’m hopeful that I could model good behavior for girls. I think I model healthy self-image for some friends already.
Parental affirmation of beauty and intelligence does go quite a ways, I think –those helped me to be confident, I believe.
Good luck!
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i hear ya. i have 4 daughters – ALL shapes and sizes and even though i’ve lost weight myself in the past, i STILL don’t know if that sent the right message. it’s hard alright.
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God, please don’t tell me this. My daughter is 8 1/2 months. I dread the day she starts worrying about body image. I fear it less than dating, but fear it nonetheless. Both her mother and I have always had body image issues and of course we’re concerned that we’ll impress that on her…though her brother eats like a horse and doesn’t seem to mind one bit.
I just want her to be happy and healthy. As long as I continue to strive for that, I think it’s the best I can do.
Good luck with Lily…I’ll be paying close attention!
Mariano´s last blog ..The Web and You Blog Carnival – November 24, 2009
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I have issues with food and eating, too. I too am on my 2 billionth diet… starting today. Kicking out the carbs, yet again. I’ve had the hardest time losing weight since having kids… and my youngest is almost 2. I’m glad I don’t have girls because I imagine it would be so very difficult to deal with things like what your Lily is saying to you – she’s a child, and perfect, and beautiful, and the fact that she says she thinks she looks ‘flat’ in something must be so hard to hear and to deal with. Good luck…
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Wow – incredibly written, Bean, and certainly hits close to home!
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I want a girl so badly, but at the same time there are issues. I also watch my best friend deal w/these sorts of issues with her 5 year old son, and it’s really hard. (Hugs)
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Maybe she’s just addicted to sugar? We forget sugar is addictive like a drug, it might not have anything to do with body image or eating disorders. Maybe she needs to learn that foods have different effects upon the body, instead.
I used to sneak sugar, and by the time I was a teenager, I was flat out hypoglycemic, fainting if I didn’t have refined sugar a few times a day. Then, I learned my paternal grandmother had diabetes and required daily insulin shots. Shots? Oh, hells no. That was enough for me, it’s been much easier to say no to sugar ever since.
San Diego Farmgirl´s last blog ..Bavarian Bundt
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Ah, perfect. A bundt cake was my most recent post, and here I am saying I turn down sugar! haha But, for the record, I did only have a little bit of this awesome cake. The last of it sat on the counter for days until I finally threw it away. The old Heather would have licked the frosting off the platter as soon as nobody was looking. Maybe sooner than that.
San Diego Farmgirl´s last blog ..Bavarian Bundt
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You were beautiful at my wedding and were always going to be the prettiest no matter what…skinny or with triplets. There was no competition!
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Great post! I too have a daughter who is 8… she started wanting thinner thighs at 6 already because of comments from school. So many of her friends are on ‘diets’ – at age 8!?? THat’s because they hear their mums talk about dieting and weight and see all the ads on billboards with skinny women…
We have to fight back!
Lady Fi´s last blog ..It’s just a number…
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My mother suffered from bulimia for many years. When I was 12 she entered into a rehab program for 3 months. It was a groundbreaking way to treat an eating disorder in 1987. She stopped being actively bulimic, but that tendency to obsess about food and her body has never gone away. Having grown up in that environment, I know that part of the reason I will never, ever really like the way I look is due to the role model I was given. However, I was also given the model of a woman who asked for help and admitted she had a problem. That’s fucking hard to do. When I found out I was having a girl, my first emotion was fear. It is so much harder to be a girl these days. I think the best thing I can do is keep the lines of communication open, especially when it comes to body image. I look at my rolly-polly 6 month old and I wish she could stay oblivious to everything but mommy and staying warm and fed forever.
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I have a love-hate relationship with food, and I’m terrified that I will pass that on to my daughter (if I’m blessed with a daughter). It’s way tougher raising a girl than a boy, we’re held to much higher standards.
Allison´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Ducky’s Adventure
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I hear you babe. That scares me too. I don’t believe in feeding junk food to the girls, but I don’t want to get so obsessive than she starts bingeing as a result. God, that’s a terrifying thought. Giving my daughter an eating disorder because I tried to keep her healthy. It’s hard to find that line, isn’t it?
Elisa´s last blog ..Craving: studded boots
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This terrifies me, too. I have battled weight my whole life (and have years of eating disorders and therapy to show for it). I don’t want my daughter to go through the same.
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It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who is overwhelmed.
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Great post.
Thanks!
Lazy Mom´s last blog ..Proud Procrastinator!
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I can totally relate to your post.
So far, my girls (I have a 6-year old, and a 5-year old) haven’t made any negative remarks about their own bodies, but I have to catch myself from talking about my own (negative) body image in front of them. On the other hand, I do want them to understand that being overweight is not healthy, and that it is easier to eat a healthy, balanced diet now than to struggle with weight their whole lives.
My kids are skinny-minnies, so far. I was skinny as a child too, but now I’m about 15 or 20 pounds over my happy weight. I want my kids to have self-control, but when I back off and try to let them set their own limits, they don’t. Set any limits, I mean. Meanwhile, I’m chewing off my own fist trying to just let it play out, when every inch of my inner being is screaming at me to intervene.
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I have to say I relate and a little too well! I have SIX daughters! I feel like it is my responsibility to teach them to eat “healthy” but I fear if I say too much I will drive them to an eating disorder. My husbands family struggles with obesity and heart problems. I try to focus on the “healthy aspect” and not the”fat/skinny” aspect. Keeping them active is also a way to teach health without talking calories.
Good luck!
Twitter: janaemoss
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Geesh… We must be kindred spirits… I have a 5 yr old who does the same thing… Were our mother’s this scared?
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This is such a raw post. I relate to it all too well. Yet, and I say this in all honesty knowing you in real life, I don’t see where you should to have issues where you are now. Really Jill, you are amazing. I’ll confess I thought you were hip, stylish, smart and so “with it” that I sort of fell like the frump around you. Look back at the pictures from Jeff’s friend’s wedding in the summer.. um GORGE! Yes dear that is YOU and you look amazing. That said though I feel your pain. We all have to find that self-image we are happy with. A lot of that is tied to our body image. Having a 10 year old who IS having a lot of these problems now I feel helpless. I mean I can’t even get my shit straight how the hell am I going to help her? It really is a struggle. People can spout all that psycho-Dr-Phil babble at you all day long. In the end though it comes down to trying to find balance, which I think is a life long struggle. FYI, boys aren’t that much easier! Having a 16 year old son who has girls calling, texting, SHOWING UP AT THE HOUSE all hours of the day and night ain’t a walk in the park babe. HUGS
DiPaola Momma´s last blog ..Give em a piece of your mind!
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My boys are 8 and they started sneaking sugary stuff last year. It’s not an issue of weight because they are fit but still it’s like a form of lying…they didn’t even try to ask for it first! It would make more sense if I had said no first!
Twitter: AprilSells
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Your brutal honesty is so refreshing. You are so right about how hard it is to raise girls!
We have been exposed to 250,000 ads by the time we are 17, and most of them scream, “Thin is beautiful, and beauty is everything.” This tsunami of sickly images (usually models that are concentration-camp thin) makes us drown in a sea called “I don’t measure up.”
I am a licensed mental health counselor and am writing a book about the underlying issues behind body image/food problems. These issues are much more about our hearts and our stories than calories and fat grams. Also, research shows that dieting does not work as a long-term solution. In other words, people who diet almost always gain back all of the weight, plus MORE. We get on the sick cycle of dieting, which always leads to bingeing and makes the problem worse. This is because we feel so deprived. I have recently posted an article on my blog called “Real Causes of Food Addiction.” I would love to hear your thoughts as I help people to fight the body image bandit. It’s mostly about our hearts and not our hips or what comes across our lips. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks, Cherrie http://www.cherriemac.wordpress.com
Fannies: Reflections on Cookie Dough, Life, and Your Derriere
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Okay, I read your pet peeves about how to comment so I think I’m doing this right. No plugs, no nauseating politeness, no giveaways (works for me as I have nothing to give away). Here goes…
You are so right about having girls and how hard it is. I have three, now grown (they write my blog with me, in fact, so I guess they grew up somewhat unscathed.) But, two are skinny and one is not (no fault of her own, she actually has a hormonal imbalance but that is a topic for thousands of other blog posts.) so it was exceedingly hard to deal with body image as they all grew up. I know of very few girls who make it through elementary or middle school without thinking they are fat and that’s the best case scenario. Worst case, of course, anorexia/bulimia and we know way to many of those. Continue to tell your daughter she’s neither fat or flat and more times than you can count, tell her she’s gorgeous inside and out and then tell her the inside is all that matters and then accept the fact that none of that helps but, somehow she’ll end up okay.
Debby Carroll´s last blog ..Does the World Need Another Blog?
Twitter: raisingama
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Mmmm. Yes, the wonder of raising girls. Three of my four do, in fact, own vaginas. My oldest girl is 7 and I have being statements from her for about a year now along the lines of “I’m not eating that. It makes you fat and I HATE fat!” What? Come again?? I’m completely lost. How can a person who now is almost 8 yrs old and weighs 49 lbs know or care a thing about fat? I read a disturbing comment from a fourth grade girl last night that said “It’s not really cool to eat lunch. We just sit around at the table and talk instead.” Gaaa!!! Hearing these things makes me shake in my boots. Not just because of potential for eating disorders, but the implications of an attitude like this encompass so much more. Sigh. Our work is just beginning.
Johanna´s last blog ..Italian Fish Dinner – Dollar Store Style: Broiled Rockfish with Sundried Tomato Pesto, Served with Angel Hair Pasta in a Baby Clam Sauce
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I cried as I read this…..it is hard having a girl, and mine is only 2! I am very lucky that, although I am heavy, and have been most of my life, I have no body-image issues….probably because my mother never did. I truly wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and say “SOMEBODY’S FABULOUS”! And reallllllllllly believe it! I am trying to get people to refrain from calling themselves fat around my daughter so that she doesn’t think it’s a bad thing to be NORMAL.
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You know.. I have two children of myself. And being over weight has been an issue my entire life as well.. sometimes what we preceave to be true for ourselves, is not what is true for our children. And, perhaps actions is a reflection of your actions, not what she is feeling.
Meaning… don’t beat yourself up. But just don’t make comments about being fat, or your hips, or shakes or any of that with her. In stead take a positive steps like lets go play together.. bake together to teach her to sew, and reminds her that there are much more important things in life then what she wears.
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Megan´s last blog ..My Favorite…For Today
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THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I prayed so hard for a boy when I found out I was pregnant. For so many reason. One being the weight issues I have dealt with my whole life. I am horrified to think that my daughter might have to deal with these same feelings. I am a freak about her having very much sugar. She is 16 months old and has never had a piece of candy and has hardly had any kind of cookies. But I am also afraid that once she does have them she will go nuts over them. People totally didn’t get my fears of having a girl….it’s so good to see that I’m not the only one that has them!
Megan´s last blog ..My Favorite…For Today
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Hi there,
You’re right – having a girl IS hard – and wonderful. And hard. Mine is 15.
If you haven’t already discovered American Girl’s books (of course you’re aware of the dolls by now, but the books are only $10!) you might find them fabulous for navigating the tough territory of girls. They have a calm and practical approach that girls seem to respond to – especially when they are not listening to their moms. This happens frequently – especially around 8 years old.
Their Smart Girl’s Series is especially helpful – I’ve written two of the most recent books: A Smart Girl’s Guide to the Internet and A Smart Girl’s Guide to Style. I wish I had loads to give out, but I don’t. If you happen to discover them in the store or at your local library, I think you’ll like them. And if you do, I’d love it if you could jot down a review. : )
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I am so sorry that you are experiencing this already! I am a high school art teacher and it *breaks my heart* that the anxiety over body image (and worrying about being sexy for boys too!) has oozed like slime all the way down into 1st grade…
I have spent 20 years watching perfectly wonderful, attractive, smart, talented girls endlessly obsess over their weight, developing all sorts of eating disorders, and living with an enormous amount of emotional and physical pain. My experiences with this very issue have led me to become an illustrator/author whose work is dedicated to showing a variety of body types in a positive light.
IMHO, one of the most powerful things a mom can do for little girls is to limit her media exposure, and provide ways for her to shine that have nothing to do with clothes, hair, etc. Praise skills and talents and activities and accomplishments , instead of appearance! Give her a solid belief in all the wonderful things she can do and be, and hopefully she will sail through the body image hell of middle school/high school…
elizabeth´s last blog ..*blush*
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As someone who just recently left her teenage years behind, and has no kids of yet, I feel as though any comment I leave here may not be as valid as many of those posted by mothers. I am a Psych major though, and have done ALOT of research into the OTHER eating disorders out there. I’m not going to spout obesity stats (I think we’re all quite aware they’re on the rise), but the “bible” (DSM-IV-TR) by which all eating disorders in the US and Canada are diagnosed includes another category: Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified. That is the blanket term for all compulsive eating disorders, including binge eating disorder. Now, seeing as how your daughter is only 6, I sort of doubt she is suffering from an eating disorder of any kind, buuuuuuttttt, “disordered” eating patterns tend to run in families (and your pointing out your attempt to diet again leads me to think that maybe it runs in your family as well)…and, anyways, I’d like to share the story of how MY Mom halted the vicious circle of compulsive eating in our family.
My parents divorced when I was 4 years old. After the custody agreement, I lived with my father and *evil* stepmother, and I became a really heavy-set child (hadn’t been before – but between the ages of 5 and 14, I was always the biggest girl in the class). I snuck candy and *bad* carbs every chance I had. I wasn’t active (my Dad emphasized academics more than anything else), and our diet (ethnic) was definitely high in carbs all around. Two years after having moved in with my mother (at 15 years old), I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now (8 years later). She definitely noticed my sugar addiction (which is something I have yet to kick ;) and handed me a book: When Food Is Love by Geneen Roth. It talks about the emotional ties everyone has to food and eating. I remember talking to her about the book, about growing up without her, and also about her family (Binge Eating Disorder runs in my family – everyone on her side of the family is overweight to obese). Then, we discussed her life, and how she put on alot of weight after the divorce, and the therapy she went through, and the activities that she did to lose it.
Lastly, we talked about choices. My mother has convinced me that life is just a series of interrelated choices, and that healthy patterns can be started and kept up with maintenance (through healthy choices).
Since then, I’ve been active fairly regularly, I’ve gone to therapy (to readjust the way I think and feel towards my parents and those close to me), and in regards to food…well. I will probably always have a sweet tooth, but I have learned that quantity isn’t necessary for quality, and I’ve learned not to feel guilty for eating what I want to. That is, in fact, Geneen Roth’s message…once we stop applying judgments of guilt to eating foods society considers bad for us, and we learn to eat based on our body (when we are hungry) and not our emotions…we loosen the tie food has on us, and we are able to free ourselves from some HUGE negative factors related to body image.
Anywho, back to you and your 6 year old. I’d have to say that at 6, scary as hearing that she is “flat” may be, I think it is up to you, as a Mom, to take responsibility for your own attitude towards food, your body image, and physical activity. Finding out that your kid is sneaking junk food IS scary, but why is she doing it?
[Does she feel like she isn't "allowed" to have sweets (well, probably, she isn't...as any good Mom would do, I'm sure you've limited her intake). Try giving her as much of her favourite candy as she wants for a few weeks. I know, this sounds crazy - but she will actually want it less by the end of it, because she will know it is always there, and having it won't be contingent on anything...of course, in the beginning, she will probably be climbing the walls 24/7, but the outcome is definitely worth it. My Mom let my brother and I eat nothing but junk food for three whole days straight once, and while it didn't cure my sweet tooth for good, it sure did temper it.]
Going back to my prior point. How you act towards yourself (your body), towards food (what you eat and what your kids eat) and physical activity (as a family or separately) is going to affect your 6 year old alot more right now, than any peer at school. And, it will continue to affect her for the rest of her life. This is probably a big heads-up that you need to change the way you look at things.
It might also be a good idea to talk with her about any traumatic experiences she may have lived through (this is the only blog post of yours I’ve read, so I’m not sure if you and your family have or not). 6 years old is not too young to start dealing with it, and the younger you start, the better, because once you become old and set in your ways…bad habits are hard to break ;)
Good luck :D
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