Parenting

Giving Birth, The First Time and The Last

by Jessica Cobb
Updated: 
Originally Published: 

First Baby:

Birth plan: Scented candles, Enya playing, no interventions, no drugs. Epidural: No, I don’t want drugs… No, I mean it… Holy hell, THIS is labor?! GIVE ME THE DRUGS! Pushing: I’m not this flexible, stop ramming my knees up to my ears. Have I really been pushing for an hour? Pooping: Oh dear, did I poop? I didn’t poop while I was pushing, did I? I’d be so embarrassed if I pooped in front of all these people. Hospital discharge: Wait, are you really letting me take this baby home?

Second Baby:

Birth plan: Let’s keep our options open. Epidural: Yes, please! Pushing: I’ve got this. Pooping: Hey, I didn’t poop! I think? Hospital discharge: Ready! Can we go now?

Third Baby:

Birth plan: Try not to have a baby in the car. Epidural: What do you mean it’s TOO LATE? Pushing: No pushing necessary; my body is this kid’s first Slip ‘N Slide. Pooping: Yes. I pooped. You know women do it, too, right? Hospital discharge: NO! No! Please, let me stay!!

This article was originally published on

The Parenting Advice You’ll Actually Use (Maybe)
Honest tips, hilarious fails, and solidarity for moms who are doing their best—and definitely winging it.
By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy