Giving Birth, The First Time and The Last



First Baby:
Birth plan: Scented candles, Enya playing, no interventions, no drugs.
Epidural: No, I don’t want drugs…  No, I mean it…  Holy hell, THIS is labor?!  GIVE ME THE DRUGS!
Pushing: I’m not this flexible, stop ramming my knees up to my ears.  Have I really been pushing for an hour?
Pooping: Oh dear, did I poop?  I didn’t poop while I was pushing, did I?  I’d be so embarrassed if I pooped in front of all these people.
Hospital discharge: Wait, are you really letting me take this baby home?

Second Baby:
Birth plan: Let’s keep our options open.
Epidural: Yes, please!
Pushing: I’ve got this.
Pooping: Hey, I didn’t poop! I think?
Hospital discharge: Ready! Can we go now?

Third Baby:
Birth plan: Try not to have a baby in the car.
Epidural: What do you mean it’s TOO LATE?
Pushing: No pushing necessary; my body is this kid’s first Slip ‘N Slide.
Pooping: Yes. I pooped. You know women do it, too, right?
Hospital discharge: NO! No! Please, let me stay!!


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