Glitter is the Devil (And Other Things Moms of Girls Learn)

Contrary to popular belief, I was ecstatic when my doctor announced in the delivery room that a third little girl would be joining our family. I grew up with two sisters, and couldn’t wait for my three daughters to experience the same excitement and volatility of being trapped in an emotionally unstable, explosively melodramatic, all-female shitshow.

Plus we already had all of the girl stuff, which made things easier because I place an inordinate amount of importance on logistical household efficiencies. Our boy name was Jessica, and Jessica was going to look just precious coming home from the hospital in his little pink gingham Lilly Pulitzer classic shift dress.

But I’m tired of talking about our fake son Jessica. Let me tell you what I know about raising little girls:

1. Be warned – girls can be every bit as gross as boys. When hanging out with my nephews, I am surrounded by a cornucopia of bodily excretions. Farts. Burps. Dropping trou and peeing in the front yard. Poop talk. Boogers flying to and fro. Unidentified matter wiped on my pants. It all seems very organic, normal and expected. Because they are boys. And boys are disgusting.

But there is just something straight up haunting when a little girl with ribbons tied around her pig tails lifts her leg at the dinner table and rips off a seven-second fart like it’s her job. My eldest daughter has even gone so far as to teach herself how to fart on command, once taking it too far. And by too far I mean a change of underwear was involved.

My husband paused his standing ovation long enough to wipe a tear of pride from his eye as she screamed, “Whoopsie!  Guess I gambled and lost!” and ran upstairs.

So sorry if I’m not racing in for a front row seat when my 3-year-old walks penguin-style out of the bathroom with her ruffled bloomers around her ankles and screams, “Hey everybody! Get in here quick and check out my monster turd!”

I just still believe in maintaining a certain level of mystery in our home.

2. Speaking of wardrobe changes, outfitting three little girls every day is like trying to solve the same riddle that has a different answer from minute to minute, all with a clock ticking in your ear.

I have long since abandoned the idea of giving any sort of input on daily clothing selections.  I don’t comment, speak, breathe or make eye contact as they are weighing their options.  My job is to simply make sure everything is covered that needs to be covered and no one smells like urine.

“Listen, sister,”  I’ll say. “YOU picked out this adorable little dress in the store. And I bought it. With money. Because you said you liked it. Now wear it.”

“But it’s so itchy!” She’ll say, poking at the soft, 100% cotton fabric like it’s a vest of thorns.

Once a selection is made I slowly tiptoe down the stairs because I don’t want to upset whatever balance the universe has achieved when they find something they like. And it can be anything.  Really – I don’t care. The cutest little dresses hang lonely in their closet still bearing store tags, but duds like this get worn to the threads:

I waved goodbye to matching bows and ruffled socks long ago.

Of course they usually change again before breakfast, after breakfast, as I am tearfully begging them to put on their shoes and get in the van, after they are in the van, before naps, after naps, before bed and sometimes in the middle of the night if they have a concept they want to test drive for school the next morning.

We are never on time. For anything. Like, ever.

“This shirt raises up when I lift my arms!”

“I guess I just feel more like something in a lighter shade of pink today.”

“I was just kidding when I put on this shirt.”

“But there’s spaghetti sauce all over this dress!”

In their defense on that last one… I am a bit of a slacker when it comes to housework.

*licks mac and cheese off dirty fork and thoughtfully places it back in silverware drawer*

3. Glitter is the devil. Glitter should be treated with the same respect you would give someone standing in your living room with the Ebola virus. It is infectious. If allowed into your home it will multiply exponentially until it defiles every available surface.


It all seems innocent enough. “Oh but this headband is super cute,”  you’ll say, putting it away in the vanity.

Then two days later you catch a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror and realize you’ve just sat through a one-hour PTO meeting with a bedazzled mustache. The more you wipe, the longer and more lush said mustache becomes. Oh look, now you have matching sideburns.

Don’t be a sucker. Any toy, article of clothing or human being who enters your home brandishing glitter should be burned and discarded immediately. The end.         

4. Hair. Prepare yourself to accept failure. Hair is a big deal. It’s super hard to remember to take my Valium in enough time that it kicks in by the post bath de-tangle. And that hour of blood curdling screams is nothing compared to every morning when I have to figure out what to do with it that won’t make them look like rabid wild animals.

I had just mastered the art of the ponytail when one day my so-called “friend” sent me a link to a YouTube channel called Cute Girls Hairstyles.  They have simple little ‘dos any parent could easily bang out in no time:

Screen Shot 2014-09-02 at 7.21.37 PM

Any parent except me, apparently. Unless step #1 was, “Go into the linen closet where we have placed an expert to do it all for you,” this was not going to happen.

And I know this because once I tried to French braid my daughter’s hair. I would have had better luck gluing feathers to my arms and jumping off my roof. Which has crossed my mind more than one time as someone stood before me on the hairstyle stool screaming balls.

It was three minutes of pure hell that ended with her flailing around on her bedroom floor like I had stabbed her in the kidneys and me nursing a case of arthritis. Mid-way through she decided she had enough and took off running down the hall, dragging me behind with my fingers still intertwined in her hair. I had invested too much time and I refused to let go and not finish the job.

And that was a just a simple French braid. There was no way this cascade-flower-knotted-twist extravaganza is happening.  Not now, not while she is conscious. But now, seeing how adorable it was on the other little girls, I know what I have to do.


5. The future of another woman’s inherently fragile body image rests squarely on your shoulders.  No pressure, though. A few days ago my daughter asked me if I thought, “The kids would think she was beautiful and like her” if she wore a certain dress to a birthday party.

Well crap. We’re here already?  I’d already expertly dodged her image-related questions such as, “Mommy, why do you wear makeup?”, “Why do you put that foamy stuff in your hair?”, and “Why do those underwear make you cry (Spanx)?”

I couldn’t think of a single answer to her dress question that wouldn’t turn me into a flaming hypocrite. So I told her the truth.

“Honey, the people who matter in your life don’t like you based on what you look like or what you wear. They like you if you pull all of the weeds out of the flower beds and scrub the baseboards.”  Then, stroking her hair and giving her a big hug I said,  “So let’s go ahead and get you started.”    

6. Boys let them flop around on the outside, girls keep them tucked away deep, deep inside. Then use them as a weapon when the time is right.

I’m talking about emotions.

When angry with one another, my nephews will punch each other in the head and move on.  (Side note – they will also punch each other when happy, sad, or to indicate that dinner is ready.) But girls tend to be a little more imaginative/sadistic.  “Oh, you stole my favorite outfit and wore it to the party?  No big d… I’ll probably just cut your hair off at the ponytail while you sleep.”

A long time ago my sister and I got into a HUGE fight. I’m not sure exactly what started it or why she was mad, but it may have had something to do with the fact that I smeared a huge handful of whipped cream across her face and into her hair for no reason at all while her back was turned. I knew from the moment she spun around she meant business. Even though she was three years younger she had about twenty pounds on me so I high tailed it to my room and locked the door. A half hour without any action, I timidly peeked my head out only to discover she was back in the kitchen like nothing ever happened.

“Let’s just call a truce, okay?”  She yelled over her shoulder.  “I’m tired of fighting.”

Satisfied she had recognized my position as the dominant female, I sat down to enjoy the piece of banana cream pie I had abandoned on the table when she gave chase. The minute I shoved an enormous mouthful into my face I realized something was very, very wrong. That something was that she had dumped an entire container of salt and garlic powder on said slice of pie. After vomiting in the sink for ten minutes, I truly appreciated the power of the female mind.

A punch in the head – unkind.  Mess with another woman’s pie – well that’s just fucked up.

7. They’re so fancy.  No really… inappropriately so. One night after dinner, the girls informed my husband and me that they wanted to put on a “dance show”.  All three excitedly ran upstairs to change into what we presumed was their dance leotards, tutus, tights and tap shoes while my husband and I turned on some top 40 music and settled in on the couch.

What came downstairs was illegal in 34 states.

They had put on every piece of sequined clothing and jewelry they could find, smeared lip gloss from their chins to their nostrils and proceeded to own the song Fancy while strutting around the living room in my stilettos.  There was pouty lips and hair tosses and prancing around and at one point my innocent little baby bent over exposing her Pull-Up, grabbed her ankles and instructed us to “smack her booty”.  My husband and I just stared at her open mouthed, too stunned to even say a word.

“What the hell?”  He murmured under his breath.  “Did you teach them how to dance like that?”

“God no!”  I said.

It was not the first time I’d lied to my husband.  I totally taught them how to do that.  In my defense, though, it wasn’t on purpose; I had no idea they ever watched me cook dinner.  I was probably going to have to dial it back a tad.

8. It is really, really fun.  

Girl stuff 2

Because – well – doing girly stuff is awesome. Nails. Facials. Dance recitals. Dresses. Princesses. Building fairy houses. Bring it.

And you may be thinking, “Well, boys can do all that stuff too.”  And you’re exactly right. In fact, I highly encourage everyone to stage a stuffed animal wedding complete with ’80s-themed rehearsal dinner in their playroom immediately. We all come to the reception dressed in our best old prom dress, retired recital tutu, or just butt naked with a big blue wig and drink Ginger Ale out of my Great-Grandma’s depression teacups.

I know the day will come soon enough that they’d rather drink anti-freeze than be seen in public with me. If my calculations are accurate that will be happening by about first grade. Instead of enchanted evenings I’ll get eye rolls, instead of play weddings I’ll get “whatever, Mom” in my face when I make the tyrannic request to please sift the hair out of the shower. Soon they’ll be too busy with their friends and boys other things and in their minds I’ll be relegated to my rightful role of cook, maid, or chauffeur.

A chauffeur with a very good memory who happens to be an excellent storyteller. Especially stories involving pretty young women who used to have an above-average aptitude for sharting their pants at the dinner table.

Because, well, I’m a girl too, after all.

Related post: Your Penis Won’t Fall Off And Other Things Boys Should Know

About the writer


Hannah Mayer is a nationally award-winning blogger, humor columnist and exponentially blessed wife and mother of three. She would trade everything for twelve uninterrupted hours in a room with Jon Hamm and two Ambien. You can find her on FacebookTwitter or at her blog, sKIDmarks

From Around the Web


Amanda Mercer 5 months ago

As a preschool art teacher, I promise never to send home any glitter unless it is in a completely sealed snow globe or calming jar with the lid very tightly super glued on.

Jill 7 months ago

Oh Lord, I still have tears streaming down my face from laughing! I have one of each, and who do you think taught my son the fine art of inappropriate bodily functions in public places? Of course, his big sister! The hair thing, too, is a not so distant memory as I recall the same thing; being dragged down my hallway with my fingers still intertwined in my daughter’s hair while she screamed bloody murder! At 14 she made the decision to cut it short, much to my chagrin, and probably because I scarred her for life while trying to fix her hair like in the “cute hair styles for little girls” videos. She keeps it short to this day! LOL! Thank you so much, Miss Hannah, for your wonderfully hilarious (and true to life) article.

dancewear for kids 7 months ago

This website really has all the information and facts I needed concerning this subject and
didn’t know who to ask.

Kerry Sophie Alice 7 months ago

I love glitter!!!

Samantha Sharpe-Bradbury 7 months ago

Glitter and PlayDoh!!!!!!!! Aaaaahhhhhhh

Stephy Lewis 7 months ago

HAHAHAHA. yes. and yet, I still love glitter

Becky Avery 7 months ago

Hahahaha the farting is my daughter to a tee!

Lindsey Parke 7 months ago

This is SO FUNNY! Love my little lady to the moon and back. Thank you for making me laugh tonight

Rebekah Minard Slocum 7 months ago

I’ve only got two girls, but this is pretty much the story of their childhood! I’m dying laughing, remembering…

Dana Adams Dee 7 months ago

I love every second with my girls! I would have 100 more if I could. I love my son just as much to.

Courtney Grubbs 7 months ago

I LOVE glitter:)

Laurie Braslins 7 months ago

my girl isn’t into glitter, dolls, princesses and tea parties.

Meghan Brown 7 months ago

Never so glad I have boys.

Kay Mahoney 7 months ago

I only had 1 girl, 3 boys, but she did all of these 3 times over just to make up for it! Especially choosing the clothes! I was out of it when she was 18 months old!

Kayla Marie 7 months ago

One of the best writers yet. Thanks for the laughs!

Debbie Freeman 7 months ago

The hair!!!

Jennifer Inlow-Saunders 7 months ago

I love this!!! If you have daughters just take a minute it’s cute!

Heather Nail Roy 7 months ago

Laughed all the way to the end….

Serena Alexandria Marie 7 months ago

Glitter is a pleasant surprise.

Katy Jackson 7 months ago

This happened yesterday after I walked away for 5 minutes to put laundry in at the house I nanny. Ugh! I didn’t even know there was glitter with the markers. Spring no break…

Jennifer Hamlin Lamott 7 months ago

Glitter = Christmas Herpes

Aprils Diamond 7 months ago

I love glitter everywhere, enjoy your little girls now while you can, when they grow up, boys are the easier ones to handle lmao

Courtney Lynn Richie 7 months ago

But I love glitter ✨

Sophia Lee-Spencer 7 months ago

I cried, pure and simple

Dawn 7 months ago

Glitter was not only allowed in my house but was required. The wonderful world of competitive cheerleading. She is coaching now and hasn’t wore glitter in over two years, I STILL find red and silver glitter in EVERY room of my house.

Kathi Barfield-Brewer 7 months ago

Yes, girls can be gross. My 3 yr old decided to use her toothbrush to clean stuff in the bathroom and then put it in her mouth. Yuk!!!

Jenni Dinis 7 months ago


Melysa Oldham 7 months ago

Momma of a seven year old little girl, with another on the way in August. ALL of this is true, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Also, I love glitter.

Cori Kinsey Garrod 7 months ago

I’m the oldest of 3 girls, and this took me back! Andrea Kinsey Bennett Val Kinsey Lewis Paul N Susan Kinsey

Susan Vega 7 months ago

I don’t understand what the big deal is about glitter, so what if we glitter a bit for a while,

Tara Lynn 7 months ago

Not ashamed to admit I pissed a little while laughing.

Katie Tookie-Tookie 7 months ago

I may have accidentally #7 a few times.

Jo Tweit 7 months ago

Mom of 2 girls, and yes. Lol!

Laura Breski 7 months ago

I can definitely relate to just about everything on this list. And I’m sure anything I’m missing will pop up in the next few years as my 4, 2, and 7 month old girls get older. I can handle the glitter but the crazy emotions, hair, and clothing issues already make me crazy. I love em but I dread the teen years!!!!

Stephanie Watson 7 months ago

I love it. I’m afraid I’m going to wake the kids I’m laughing so hard!

Stephanie Somogyi Miller 7 months ago


Amy Free 7 months ago

The glitter part cracked me up! Caleb always has it stuck to his clothes lol

Courtney Goodmurphy 7 months ago

By far my favourite article on your page. I have read it to everyone I know who has daughters and I still die laughing when I read it!

Michael Doherty Stephanie Lyman 7 months ago

Oh, how those are all so very, very true! And I’ve got two girls and one boy. So dang funny!!

Tabitha Covarrubias 7 months ago

I could seriously be best friends with this woman. Im literally laughing to tears. This is so true!

Tasha Jackson 7 months ago

I have three girls and have yet to learn to French braid. I know what’s on my shopping list now! Chloroform

Mary Stiegler Rosecrans 7 months ago

Love this!!!!

Jenny Blevins Rogers 7 months ago

H I L A R I O U S!! I am crying laughing!

Kathy Young 7 months ago

That is excellent!!!

Patty Guiney Joyce 7 months ago

Got glitter?

Heather Gochoel 7 months ago

Glitter is the herpes of the craft would. Too easily spread and impossible to get rid of.

Kelli Kenniston Molenkamp 7 months ago

As I was reading this my six year old came up behind me and saw the picture of the three little girls in their outfits and said “wow they look fantastic”

Aly Lopez 7 months ago

I LOVE GLITTER!! Said no dad ever! lol

Rebecca Saner 7 months ago

I have two boys and one girl. She is our youngest and I always say “she is just the right amount of sparkle our family needed”!! This article was great! I laughed so hard I cried.

Ashely Jameson-Carel 7 months ago

This!! So perfect!!

Aleta McPeak 7 months ago

Omg! This is so true !!!!

Z 7 months ago

Girls can be totally gross – I have two of them – but boys are another kettle of fish entirely (I have one). It’s a different league of “smelly” and “disgusting”. Trust me.


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