2014-THANKSgiving

The 5 Grossest Things About Childbirth

108 Comments

The 5 Grossest Things About Childbirth

Last week, we sold the changing table that we’ve used for all three nurseries. As the young couple walked out with it, rosy with the excitement that can only come from expecting your first child, my husband pulled aside the stranger-man and passed on to him some wisdom. Childbirth, he whispered, is the grossest thing ever.

The poor guy looked both terrified and intrigued. Jeff didn’t elaborate and certainly wasn’t asked to, but he had no shortage of examples…

1. The Mucus Plug. Aside from my constant vomiting and complaints of constipation, I think I managed to remain as ungross as possible for most of the nine months I was pregnant. Sure, my skin had some issues and I gained ten pounds alone thanks to a massive Nutella craving, but I wasn’t that bad. Once I lost my mucous plug, though? That nasty bloody booger like thing that kept my baby where he or she belonged? All bets were off. It was a sure sign of the grossness to come.

2. The Placenta. Had somebody warned me about delivering the placenta, I would have been tempted to sign up for an unnecessary c-section. When I was done pushing, I thought I was done. But, no. I still had to push something straight from Alien out. The nurse actually asked if I wanted to keep it. KEEP IT???

3. The Shit. Not only does childbirth feel exactly like taking an enormous dump, but you will actually shit during it. Worst of all? You won’t even care.

4. The Episiotomy. If a woman’s body is built for child-rearing, you would think everything would just open up like a beautiful flower to aid in the process. No such luck. You may actually be sliced, from vagina to ass, in order to push that sucker out.

5. Your baby. I mean, your baby!!! Sadly, that beautiful baby you’ve been waiting to meet for nine months looks like something out of a horror movie. Not only is it covered with your insides, but it’s head is likely shaped like a cone. The good news? Your baby will only get better looking. You pray.

Comments

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  1. 1

    Kate Korr says

    Giving birth is the nastiest thing possible. With the constant leaking, pooing on the table [oh yeah, that happened to me] and having a woman cleaning me up after I gave birth makes me want to vomit thinking about it. Could you imagine having THAT job? I remember wondering what this random woman was doing just standing in the room while I gave birth but then she swiftly stepped in after my doctor was done stitching me up [again, another wonder of birth] and started cleaning. Um, thank you?

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    • 2

      Scary Mommy says

      No, I CANNOT imagine having that job. The joy of holding a baby during its first moments of life would be far overshadowed by having to wipe shit off of the delivery table. No, thank you!

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  2. 7

    Zoie says

    This society has truly warped our view about birth that someone could write “I love birth stories. And once again I’m so happy I didn’t have to go through any of that. Thank God for csections.” Is this because someone else had to do the clean up?? Wow…just…wow

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  3. 11

    lisa p says

    hahahahah so right you are! I swear to god I thought my second (my son) was walking out of me…..Nope he just decided to look up and wink on his way out. OMG I tore like 3 different places and things will never be the same! I never remembered the after process with my daughter because dear god I had no pain relief even when the episiotomy happened that I swear I blocked it all out. But I do recall the “cleaner” lady that you refer to with my son and the matresses they call pads! Then the pain after the epi wore off and that lovely numbing spray ahhhhh

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  4. 12

    mrs.notouching says

    It’s worth it – I know… just wish I wasn’t eating while reading this.
    P to the S –> love the new layout.
    .-= mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Because… =-.

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  5. 14

    Cranky Sarah says

    I’m sure it wasn’t the last time he got peed on – though hopefully it was the last time by you.

    P.S. No, birthing class doesn’t necessarily tell you how messy gross it will be. I think my sister is still traumatized!
    .-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..My attempt at smokey eyes =-.

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    • 15

      Rachel says

      With my second child, they gave me a saline drip to keep me hydrated. I didn’t have it with my first, so I was completely unprepared, when after I pushed everything out, the nurse started palpating my belly to help the placenta out, and I peed everywhere! I remember apologizing profusely, and she just laughed and said it was ok. And then the baby peed all over everyone too, I choose to believe he was trying to make me feel better.

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  6. 16

    Jennifer says

    I love birth stories. And once again I’m so happy I didn’t have to go through any of that. Thank God for csections.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Memory Lapse =-.

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  7. 17

    Doing the Mom thing says

    Great post! I love the fact that the husband got a little preview of the fun to come! I too lost all modesty when I was in the delivery room, surprising even myself when I allowed not only my husband and mom to get a first-hand view, but my sister, mother-in-law and sister-in-law too. I think both girls are still traumatized, but I came out feeling like a rock star. : )
    .-= Doing the Mom thing´s last blog ..She’s Still My Baby =-.

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  8. 19

    Shawntel says

    You are soooo right. It is the grossest thing ever. It was extra nice of your husband to warn stranger-man. I mean that with all sincerity. Maybe if more men knew how gross it was and were prepared for it, less men would pass out!
    .-= Shawntel´s last blog ..New Feature Over At "Tales from the Trail" =-.

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  9. 20

    Brittany at Mommy Words says

    Absolutely worth it Jill. I am a little jealous of that couple! The first time especially was gross, yes, but absolutely amazing to see that little baby! With Violet I asked to see the placenta because I didn’t see it before – it is so gross but the way it works is SO cool. I guess by the third I was ready to have the doctor show me how the nasty thing works.

    If you want to be even more grossed out by placentas though – google a Lotus Birth. Holy Crap!

    You made some beautiful babies!

    p.s. Love the new look! Did you upgrade your Thesis?
    .-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Run to the Sun…and Enjoy the Rain =-.

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  10. 22

    amber says

    You’ll find this hard to believe, but because I had a c-section, I didn’t get to experience any of that particular grossness, and it makes me sad. Maybe I’ll be luckier if and when there’s a next time…and then I’ll wonder why the hell I couldn’t just stick with surgery.
    .-= amber´s last blog ..The Life of a Goddess (minus all the perks). =-.

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    • 23

      Luschka says

      I know a few women who’ve had VBAC, and they, without fail, say it’s the best thing they’ve ever done! I totally get what you’re saying though – after 48 hours of labour, I’m really scared that 2nd time will be like 2 hours or something, giving me no time to ‘experience’ the build up and ‘pleasure’ of birth. But I’m a way off from number 2 yet…
      .-= Luschka´s last blog ..Herbs for use in Childbirth =-.

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  11. 27

    Robin says

    OMG. True words!!! This is all SO fresh to me since Benjamin (great name, btw!) is only 3 and half months now.
    Lest we forget the hemorrhoids. (Good lord, the freakin’ HEMORRHOIDS!) Why didn’t anyone tell me I’d feel like I’d have boulders coming out of my butt for an entire month? (TMI, sorry!)
    .-= Robin´s last blog ..Monday’s Muse: Under Cover =-.

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  12. 29

    Lexa says

    As someone who really looked forward to that gross, nasty ookieness but got scammed into a c-section (then forced into 3 more totally against my will & through the grace of b/c failures :-D) I think even the grossest parts are still pretty much ok. Not ok-hearing the nurses who’ve just done your swab count say “Damn, this one sure wasa hell of a bleeder” because they think you’re too out of it to hear. At least you didn’t take your placenta home & fry it up for a meal or plant it in the yeard. Yeah, that really happens. Thanks for keeping it real :-)

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    • 30

      Chris says

      When I had a c-section w/my oldest son, I remember hearing the nurses saying, “wow, this was a hairy one” speaking of my pubic hair. Ahhh, thank you ladies. As if I wasn’t feeling exposed and vulnerable already.

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  13. 31

    Mama Kat says

    Awwwww!!! What a sweetheart. So worth the agony. I totally remember throwing all modesty out the window when I went into labor for the first time. It was very humbling.
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Free Tilicum =-.

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  14. 32

    thepsychobabble says

    Giving birth is gross. Completely.
    The nurse, with MissQ (our first) pretty much forced the husband to support one of my legs. Even though he did not want to watch. She was all, “Get over here and support your wife.” attitude-y about it. I? Was all, “Um, *I* don’t plan on watching, why should he have to?”
    And I did refuse the mirror. But he had to watch.
    With the second one, he was less terrified of seeing the kid come out, but still not *excited*. And again, I refused the mirror.

    Yet oddly enough, someone else giving birth doesn’t phase me. I wonder if it’s that I don’t want to think about MY body being all twisted and stretched. Crap. Now I feel the urge to navel gaze.
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Easing My Way In =-.

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    • 33

      Scary Mommy says

      Ha! My husband was the same way. He actually had the nerve to complain that his arm was sore from holding my leg for 15 minutes. The room of all women hospital staff shot him the look of death. :)

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  15. 35

    nancy says

    I love that Jeff can make birth sound more horrid than any woman can…
    he’s quite a guy!
    that soon-to-be dad should be thankful!
    some of the rest of us got a more graphic version :)
    I still say it’s one of the most amazing experiences ever

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  16. 36

    Sarah says

    This is fucking hysterical and because it is so damn real..and honest..

    “…the entire contents of my bladder were emptied. All over my husband. Honestly, it was oddly liberating.”
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..This is my life: My boys, My heart =-.

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