Last week, we sold the changing table that we’ve used for all three nurseries. As the young couple walked out with it, rosy with the excitement that can only come from expecting your first child, my husband pulled aside the stranger-man and passed on to him some wisdom. Childbirth, he whispered, is the grossest thing ever.
The poor guy looked both terrified and intrigued. Jeff didn’t elaborate and certainly wasn’t asked to, but he had no shortage of examples…
1. The Mucus Plug. Aside from my constant vomiting and complaints of constipation, I think I managed to remain as ungross as possible for most of the nine months I was pregnant. Sure, my skin had some issues and I gained ten pounds alone thanks to a massive Nutella craving, but I wasn’t that bad. Once I lost my mucous plug, though? That nasty bloody booger like thing that kept my baby where he or she belonged? All bets were off. It was a sure sign of the grossness to come.
2. The Placenta. Had somebody warned me about delivering the placenta, I would have been tempted to sign up for an unnecessary c-section. When I was done pushing, I thought I was done. But, no. I still had to push something straight from Alien out. The nurse actually asked if I wanted to keep it. KEEP IT???
3. The Shit. Not only does childbirth feel exactly like taking an enormous dump, but you will actually shit during it. Worst of all? You won’t even care.
4. The Episiotomy. If a woman’s body is built for child-rearing, you would think everything would just open up like a beautiful flower to aid in the process. No such luck. You may actually be sliced, from vagina to ass, in order to push that sucker out.
5. Your baby. I mean, your baby!!! Sadly, that beautiful baby you’ve been waiting to meet for nine months looks like something out of a horror movie. Not only is it covered with your insides, but it’s head is likely shaped like a cone. The good news? Your baby will only get better looking. You pray.