Hemorrhoids Are A Nightmare, And A Common Side Effect Of Pregnancy Because Life Isn't Fair

Hemorrhoids Are A Nightmare, And A Common Side Effect Of Pregnancy Because Life Isn’t Fair

andriano_cz / Getty Images

I realize many of us get squeamish and/or ultra-embarrassed to talk about our backdoors. But the truth is, we all have them, we all poop, and we all need to keep them healthy, clean, and in working order. What goes in must come out, and it is not supposed to be painful. Dropping the kids off at the pool is supposed to be smooth and gentle, not feel like you are being turned inside out.

And if you’ve had a child, or seven, you probably know all too well the fuckery known as hemorrhoids. Yes, you know, when the lining of your asshole starts to seep out and you don’t know if you need to go to the doctor, go get some Tucks, or hide under a rock for the rest of your life because this is too horrendous to discuss and shitting is excruciating. Those anal speed bumps are a pain in the ass, literally.

Take it from a woman who didn’t drop deuce for 10 days because I popped a ‘roid during childbirth, had no idea what was happening to my body, and suffered in more ways than I am willing to say out loud. It was a tragedy.

They aren’t exclusive to ladies either; yes, pushing out kids and the crazy stunts we did in college may make ours flare up a bit more, but men can get an anus clit too. I mean, I know having their insides protruding out of their ass isn’t as fun as walking around with a real clitoris, but you get the analogy.

And if you’ve ever had the pleasure of something spilling out of your balloon knot and experienced the pain, itching, and burning that can make you want to sit in a tub full of warm water forever and apply a tube Preparation H every hour, you are not alone.

In fact, board-certified gastroenterologist Will Bulsiewicz, MD, told Scary Mommy that 50% of the population will have a flare-up before age 50. Fifty percent, folks.

But did you know everyone has hemorrhoids? Bulsiewicz says it’s part of our anatomy. You have three to be exact: one on your left side and two on your right. “So if you lie on your left hip, there are hemorrhoids at 2, 6, and 10 o’clock,” he says. Ahem, now that we’ve got that squared away and you know everyone has butt blossoms in the exact same place, we can stop feeling so ashamed and put these bitches back in their place.

The most common reason for these fuckers to show their ugly faces is a change in bowel habits. Constipation and diarrhea can bring them on as well as “bearing down and straining.” Bulsiewicz says, “This can cause hemorrhoids to fill up with blood and get worse. Mothers and expectant moms will understand how labor, and even just pregnancy brings them out.”

He’s correct. Pregnancy does have the tendency to bring them out. Lucky us.

As far as keeping your chocolate starfish healthy, Bulsiewicz recommends fiber and lots of water every day — not just when you feel the fire starting in your crack. And if you are having symptoms such as blood in your stool, itching, pain, and severe discomfort, that over-the-counter jams and jellies can’t contain, get your ass to a doctor. No one needs to walk around with burning butt candy flapping out of their turd cutter.

Jokes aside, you don’t need to suffer in silence. Bulsiewicz reports that hemorrhoid treatment has improved profoundly over the years and treatment is easy and effective. So do yourself a solid and eliminate the extreme discomfort these tailgaters cause. We all have enough pains in the ass to worry about in our lives. We might as well get rid of some of them.