Most days begin with the best of intentions. We tell ourselves that we won’t be late for school drop off. We won’t yell at our kids to STOP FIGHTING ALREADY! We’ll eat healthy AF meals that are heavy on the green vegetables and low on the simple carbs. Then we realize that broccoli just doesn’t feel like a hug on the inside the way a chocolate chip cookies does.
We parents already make a shit ton of sacrifices. Does the joy of food really need to be one of them? No, I think not. We’ve all got limited fucks left to give, and junk food is fuel for a fuck-empty tank. When your kids’ screaming reaches a decibel level that should only heard by dogs, a crunchy Butterfinger eaten in the bathroom at the other end of the house quiets the noise nicely. When you’ve just survived the shitshow that is bedtime, you deserve to kick back with a little Rocky Road ice cream. And when your five-year-old decides to ask where babies come from, nothing changes the subject faster than shouting out “Pizza! Who wants to go out for pizza!”
Eating is fun and food is good. So let’s enjoy it, shall we?
1. Fridge lights are basically the reason for late night snacking.
Late night munchies were Thomas Edison’s inspiration for the lightbulb, after all. Or at least, that’s what people tell me.
2. No thanks, kale chips.
We all know kale chips taste like burnt leaves and sadness. Why make a shitty day even worse? Just go straight for the Doritos.
3. No, thank you. And by “no thank you” I mean HELL YES!
Life is short. Just eat the damn cake. You know you want to.
4. Tears never tasted so good.
New year resolutions were meant to be broken anyway. Why else would Target bust out the Valentine’s Day candy on January 2?
5. My favorite kind of flower.
Who needs diamonds? Nachos are a girls’ best friend, especially if they’re loaded with onions and topped with guacamole.
Some days our diet includes organic produce, quinoa and soy protein; other days, our diet is comprised entirely of simple carbs and hope. Okay, that’s most days.
7. Fuck salads.
We try to eat healthfully, but some foods are just more fun than others. At the end of a long day, salads taste a lot like bitterness and regret. Fuck ’em. Just go straight for the pasta and wine.
8. Sigh, the sacrifices we make…
It’s a tough job, but someone has to eat the cookies. It might as well be us.