I am done having babies.
I will (probably) never again feel the familiar wave of nausea roll over me and see the bright blue lines appear on a positive pregnancy test.
I will (most likely) not be found shopping for bottles or pacifiers or infant car seats to be used by my own precious offspring.
And, I’m (pretty) confident that I will never again make a hospital checklist.
So, as a former member of the expectant-mother-club, I consider it my duty to impart my knowledge onto the new breed of yet-to-be mothers. Here’s what I wish I’d taken to the hospital, but wasn’t smart enough to…
1. Shampoo, conditioner and body wash. The first shower you take after you give birth will be the best shower of your life and the hospital products are awful.
2. A roll of good quality toilet paper or wipes. That first pee after giving birth is brutal. Hospital grade toilet paper feels like sandpaper and you don’t need that rubbing against your bruised lady parts. Trust me.
3. Makeup. I know, I know. You just pushed a human being out of your vagina — who cares how you look in pictures with your newborn? You will. For the rest of your life.
4. Cellphone (obviously,) but don’t forget the charger. Between taking pictures, tweeting, Facebooking, calling, texting and e-mailing, you’ll blow through that battery in no time.
5. An extra bag. You’ll be sent home with diapers, wipes, formula, and more. It’s like a new mother’s Halloween! Make sure you can schlep all of your loot or you’ll be kicking yourself the next week at Babies”R”Us. That crap is expensive.
6. Preparation H. It will be your new best friend.
7. Food. You’re going to be starving and hospital food is revolting. Stock your fridge with all the stuff you haven’t been able to eat in nine months.
8. Extra strength maxi pads. The ones at the hospital haven’t changed in a century. Seriously, they practically have belts. A box of extra strength Always will be one of the best investments you make.
9. Maternity yoga pants. It’s total bullshit, but you will leave the hospital looking as pregnant as you went in. You’re also going to be sore and tired and the effort of having to zip or unzip pants is one you’re not going to want to excert.
10. A Blindfold. (For yourself.) Girlfriend, you are going to look like hell; best not to see it.